


Down a different path

by Marium



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alexandria Safe Zone, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Light BDSM, M/M, Minor Character Deaths, Power Imbalance, Rick as one of Negan's right hands, Rick on the fence of morality, Rick's group becomes part of the Saviors, The Sanctuary, other communities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-10-09 07:55:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 94,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10407414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marium/pseuds/Marium
Summary: Instead of reaching Alexandria, Rick finds himself arriving at the gates of the Sanctuary with a desperate need for help. Circumstances force him to work with them to help his own people, and afterwards he finds himself as part of a community unlike any he's ever seen and slowly growing on the most fascinating man he's ever met.For his part, Negan is simply delighted with his new little soldier and is dying to see just how much he can do with him.





	1. Promised land

 

Rick ran through the forest as fast as he could. His lungs burned from the lack of oxygen and there was a stinging pain in his calves, which threatened to fail if he tried to take another step. Regardless of it, he ignored his body’s suffering and kept going at the risk of it giving in and falling face-first into the ground. **  
**

He was nearing the edge of the woods. The trees were more and more scattered as he went, and once he left them behind him, he found himself in a place that looked like what used to be an industrial zone. As he feared, the second he unconsciously slowed down his pace a little bit to inspect it, his legs didn’t hold him up any longer and he lost his balance, having to use his hands to stop his face from connecting directly to the ground, that was now asphalt instead of earth.

His efforts to try to make himself stand resulted in him finding out that his limbs ached too much to properly respond. He closed his eyes and gulped in large amounts of air, figuring that if he was going to stop for a second, he might as well use it to actually gather strength.

Half a minute later, although he was still very much not in condition to keep going, he did manage to drag himself to the wall of a nearby building and sit up against it. It allowed him to inspect the zone better, and if a walker came, the wall would offer a narrower area of approach for it, he thought as he put both hands on his gun, fingers on the trigger in case it was needed.

The area was surrounded by huge buildings, and as usual, all of them looked like they were abandoned. There were a few office buildings and some empty plots, but what drew Rick’s attention the most was what looked like a huge factory in the distance. From where he was sitting he could tell that it was at the very least as big as the prison had been, and he had the impression that the closer he got the bigger it’d look. He knew that he’d probably install himself there, provided the chance, and one of the details he could make from his position was that there seemed to be a fence around it.

Added up to the fact that he saw no walkers around, and had seen none for a while, that meant a lot.

Rick’s first instinct when faced with the chance of an encounter with another group was growl, show his teeth and attempt to avoid it. Once that washed off, though, he remembered why he had been running. He needed help. _They_ needed him to find help.

Those two minutes of reflection were more than enough lost time; in fact they were far too much. With some effort, supporting himself on the wall, Rick managed to make himself stand and headed to the factory, hoping his hunch wasn’t wrong, and most of all, the he wasn’t right in the worst way.

Once stopped, trying to run proved to be useless, so he had to stick to walking as fast as his still aching legs allowed him. Within ten minutes, he was close enough to make out the first clear detail, which happened to make him stop and double-take to make sure he was seeing right; there was indeed a fence around the building, and sticking to it were plenty of walkers, growling and reaching out.

Huh. So that was where all of them were.

After a second of staring in disbelief and feeling his stomach turn, Rick shook his head and continued. It was clearly a defense system, since those corpses hadn’t gotten themselves there, and it looked like an effective one, too. That meant that there was a population on the other side. He was proven right when he got even closer and saw trucks and other vehicles, not rusty but recently used, and most importantly, heard human voices. Human voices whose owners he could now see.

They hadn’t spotted him yet. A quick look around told him that there was only one place of the fence not covered by walkers - the gate. He took another moment to himself, forcing his hard-beating heart to calm down and his mind to stop working on the worst scenario. He was already on the worst scenario, after all.

He steeled himself and closed the little distance left. He didn’t try to hide himself, but his stomach still turned in apprehension when someone on the inside noticed him and pointed to him at the other ones. They looked at him with an only slightly interested look on their faces. By the time he was touching one side of the gate, one of the others, a balding and moustached brown-haired man, was right on the other side.

He gave Rick an once-over, a calculating, cunning and almost mocking look on his eyes.

“Well, hello there, stranger. Who might you be, and what are you doing at our door?”

Rick swallowed thickly and wetted his lips, which he suddenly realized were too dry to speak. “I’m someone who needs help.”

“Fascinating.”

There was a short silence after that, and Rick realized that the man didn’t intend to say anything else. He licked his lips which had gone dry again and tried once more.

“My name’s Rick. I thought maybe you could help me.”

“Well, Rick, you should have started there. Politeness and all. I’m Simon, and I’m incredibly curious as to what exactly made you think that we would.”

“It’s my group, my family. They’re in danger and I can’t help them on my own. Please.”

“Breaks my goddamn heart. Not our business, though.”

The man’s tone was ice cold and completely indifferent to the urgency in Rick’s. However, along the amused shine in his eyes as he regarded Rick, there was a calculating one. Pragmatic. Looking at it, Rick knew that getting what he needed wasn’t completely out of the question, he just needed to work a little on it. He nodded, preparing himself.

“Can I go in?”

This man, Simon, rose his eyebrows as his eyes widened in a deliberate expression of surprise. “No, I don’t think you can. You think we let in every single person who looks like they could use our help?”

“I’m sure there’s something I can offer you in exchange, and I’m pretty sure it’ll be easier if we’re both at the same side of this fence. You see I’m alone, so surely you don’t think that a single man with only one gun is much of a threat to all of you? If you do, maybe it’ll be better to find someone else anyway.”

The thinly-veiled question of these people’s competence did its intended effect and Simon’s eyes narrowed in insulted pride. His mouth twitched on the left side and he crossed his arms, but he still didn’t look too find of the idea of letting Rick in. He was tired, angry, and very scared of what might be happening to his family while he was gone, so he was about to say something that might have ended in his body being full of bullet holes when one of the other men spoke.

“He’s right, Simon. It’s not going to harm us to hear him out, and who knows, he might say something worth hearing.”

Simon turned an inch to look at who had said that, and after a moment of consideration nodded. Rick’s heart threatened to beat out of his chest, loud in his ears and blocking every other sound for a second as he saw the gate opening before him. A part of him, the part that had kept him alive, bristled and screamed at him to not put a feet inside, and left him momentarily frozen when encountered with the part that needed desperately to find someone to take back with him to where everyone was, guns blazing and screaming for justice.

He was saved from having to take any conscious decision when Simon’s hand closed on the neck of his dirty shirt and pulled him inside, not strong enough to fight it even if he wanted to. He had to support himself on the man’s arms to not fall to the ground, and when he recovered his balance and stood on his own two feet the door was closing, leaving him inside.

His anxiousness grew even more when Simon reached his hand out towards his gun, raising an eyebrow. Rick gulped down and tightened his grip on it, but out of the corner of his eye he saw that the rest of the people had their hands steady on their own weapons, ready to shoot at him any moment should the need arise. Reluctantly, he handed it over, and Simon took it with deliberate slowness, inspecting it for a moment before lazily aiming it at Rick.

“You got two minutes to convince me that whatever you got to say is worth bothering my boss with.”

Two seconds of those two minutes were were wasted in Rick registering those words and opening his eyes wide. Something in Simon’s attitude made him feel that he wasn’t actually likely to get shot if he failed to get his attention, but he didn’t know these people, and any other scenario still promised to be very fucked up as well.

“We’re a large group, we wouldn’t make a big community on our own but we’re many for being on the road. We’ve been looking for a place to settle in for some time but everywhere we got there were walkers or, well, people, so we decided to head north and try our luck around here. A few days ago we met with another group and they attacked us right off the bat and captured us. They killed one of us when they did it.”

Rick’s voice was a strange mix of emotions as he said that. True, Abraham had looked like someone Rick could grow fond of provided the time, but he had known him for little more than two weeks when this happened. It wasn’t that he didn’t care he was dead, just that he was happy it wasn’t someone else. He wondered what that said about who he had become.

Right, limited time. He didn’t want to bore these people.

“They left the rest of us alive, brought us to their base, a small urbanization not too far from here. I guess I pissed off one of them, because he got me out to the forest to kill me, only I killed him first. I got his gun but knew I couldn’t go in there alone just with that, so I went looking for something to use. Or someone to help me. That was yesterday evening and I’ve been going all night.”

He had said just enough to explain his situation, which already was more than he was comfortable with. He was willing to go into further detail, but Simon was scratching his moustache in slight interest, so he decided to stay quiet and wait for his reaction.

“You know what, pal? I honestly don’t give two shits, but I think Negan might think different. He’ll find it all amusing at the very least, so I’m gonna give you the honor of meeting the man himself before you say more, alright? You better appreciate it. You, get him inside.”

He turned around before Rick had a chance to reply and the next thing he knew was that he had two people on his back, a man and a woman each with a hand on one of his shoulders. They gripped strong, to the point of painful, and they shoved him towards the main building through a different door than the one Simon had taken. Once more, he was feeling far too weak from too many days without properly eating to be able to put a resistance even if he had wanted to.

He was led through hallways and conducted up four floors of stairs, all the while without saying a single word not getting any back. Every now and then they came across some residents, but all of them acted like Rick being there, treated almost like a prisoner -although he had the bitter impression that the ‘almost’ didn’t fit there- was nothing out of the ordinary, which told Rick quite a bit about these people.

He was eventually shoved inside a room and told to wait there. It was empty except for a small table at the center and two chairs around it. In contrast to the surprisingly well-lit rest of the factory, this room only had one small window that let just a bit of light in. When Rick sat down in one of the chairs he suddenly became aware of just how tired he felt. He had been up and moving all night, after all, avoiding and killing walkers while making sure he didn’t got lost so he could go back later.

Yes, he was dead tired and now he was behind walls with a darkness that induced to sleep. He intended to remain awake, because Simon’s boss, this ‘Negan’ was supposed to meet him, if he had understood correctly. But he was taking long, very, very long, and Rick’s eyelids felt heavier and heavier and heavier by the minute.

The moment he closed his eyes, head resting on the table, was the moment the door opened. He jolted back to full awareness, hitting his knees on the underside of the table and hissing in pain.

He blinked a couple times and squinted at the door. There was a figure in there, but the brighter light on the outside made it hard to make him out at first. Then the figure stepped in, the door closed behind him, and Rick could see just fine.

Even if he had heard nothing before, Rick would have known that this Negan was the boss just by looking at him. He stood by the door, in black and red, tall and proud and seeming to fill up more space than he actually did. He wasn’t speaking just yet, but the way he tilted his head slightly to the right and looked at Rick like he was seconds away from laughing at him had the man unconsciously licking his lips and leaning forward as he waited for a word.

He was so caught on trying to read the man in front of him that at first he failed to notice the extremely striking decoration of the baseball bat surrounded with barbed wire that hung beside him.

“You’re Rick, right?” the man finally asked after a few seconds of studying Rick right back. Just like his presence, his voice felt bigger than it was and muted every other possible noise. “I’m Negan.”

Negan approached the table but didn’t sit on the other chair; instead, he leaned on it, supporting himself with his arms and letting his highly dangerous bat rest on the table, right next to where Rick’s hands had been before he retreated them.

“Simon told me what you’re here for. I’m gonna be honest here, I don’t think that shit’s worth more than a couple minutes of my extremely precious time. But! You never know where there might be something interesting to grab. So spill your guts, Rick, and tell me why I should bother to spend ammo and my guys’ time instead of leaving your bastard friends to their bastard luck. You’re all out in the open, I hear, so there’s jackshit you can try to negotiate with.”

“We’re a strong group” Rick was quick to say, gripping the edge of the table. This guy’s personality, strong as it was, wouldn’t overwhelm him nor stop him from getting what he wanted. “If you help us, we’ll find some way to pay you back for it. You name the price and we’ll manage to make it happen.”

Negan leaned further forward, teasing smirk getting close to the edge of a mocking sneer. “Strong groups don’t get beaten by the first enemy they come across, now do they? You’re not giving me a lot here other than you don’t want to admit you’re fucking weak. I’m one sentence away from telling you to fuck off and hoping I never see your face again.”

“Who says it’s the first group we come across?” Rick retorted in an even, if cutting, tone, looking right into Negan’s burning eyes and not as much as blinking as he did so. “A couple weeks ago we wiped out an entire community of cannibals because they thought we could be dinner. We were at war with another community before that and if I’m here asking you for help it’s because we won. The only reason we got beaten is because we’ve been almost two weeks without properly eating and barely drinking. We were low on weapons, too. And even with all of that, we took down half of them before they could do anything to us. How’s that for weak?”

He had stood up as he spoke, knuckles white as they gripped the table tighter and leaning closer to Negan. Their faces were a couple punches away, and as Rick glared into his eyes, Negan snorted and rolled his eyes with an amused grin, then whistled slow and long.

“Wow, wow, hold your fucking horses, Rambo! I get it, you’re fucking badass, no need to draw me a picture with the blood of your enemies.” He turned around leaving his bat resting on the side of the table, gave a few steps back and turned back to Rick, leaning on the wall and arms crossed. “So, you put half of them out of their misery. Why didn’t they kill you on the spot then?”

“They did kill one of us” Rick replied, calming down a bit and sitting again. He joined his hands in front of him and started absently playing with his thumbs as he attempted to distance himself from what he was saying. “They said we wouldn’t die if we stopped fighting, I guess we were more useful alive, wanted us for slave work and all of that. But as soon as they got us caught, they took one of us. Abraham. Cut his arms and legs off slice by slice, one for each man we killed, they said, and when they were done they put a bullet in in his brain. Drilled home what would happen if we resisted.”

Negan whistled again, more impressed than anything and apparently completely indifferent to the hint of anguish in the man before him. There was a dark glint in his eyes as he carefully watched Rick’s expression, and he didn’t as much as blink as he approached again and stood behind him, settling his hands on Rick’s shoulders. They felt huge and heavy, and Rick would’ve violently shaken Negan off if he didn’t need to convince him to help.

“Now I want to know how you killed that guy. Simon said you mentioned murdering a guy, so tell me how a scary-looking motherfucker like you kills. Don’t disappoint me, Moses.”

“Moses?”

In response to Rick’s question, Negan’s right hand slipped forward and teased Rick’s beard a little, burying his fingers on it and pulling at it to move Rick’s head like he was Negan’s own personal human-sized doll. Rick blinked a few times, actually surprised at how long his facial hair suddenly felt. It’d been a while since he saw himself on a mirror, but he was aware he looked far too much like a savage.

It’d be nice to have a place to stop for a while and fix himself a little. Despite his lack of trust in these people, what he’d seen of the factory felt like an increasingly tempting idea with every second he failed to stop himself from having some sort of hope. At least for a few days while they recovered.

“They said they wouldn’t kill any more of us, but either they were lying or I seriously pissed someone off. He took me out to the forest, quite away from their base, and it was easy enough to knock the gun out of his hand. I gripped him and bashed his head on a tree trunk ‘til he had no more skin on his face and his skull cracked. Then I kept going for a while and took his arms, used them to distract the first few walkers I met.”

“My, my, Rick!” Negan bursted in laughter, leaning some of his weight on the other man. “I’d have gone for practical in your situation, but damn, that’s fucking dark! And you say it with that monotone voice like you’re talking about picking a stone from the ground, you scary bastard.”

Rick sighed in relief when Negan retreated his presence from behind him, but questioned whether it was better when he finally took the seat across him and leaned halfway into the table, eyes shiny and smile wide, brilliant and sending shivers down Rick’s spine.

“I know of those bastards you’re talking about, they settled down there less than a month ago and the shit they got for a brain hasn’t even noticed us yet. We’re planning on attacking them sooner or later anyway, but now you come here telling me this. I honestly don’t know if it makes me wanna do it right now or wait a couple more weeks than planned. What do you think I should do?”

“Attack right now, of course!” Rick yelled, eyes going hard, already tired of this bullshit. “You must already think they’re a problem if you’re gonna get rid of them anyway. You’ve seen they’re dangerous, I’ll pay you back so you’ve got a reason to do it right away, and my people will fight from the inside if they see the chance so it’ll be easier for you. So I don’t see what’s there to doubt about unless you’re a fucking asshole.”

Despite the outburst, Negan just waited for Rick to finish and then chuckled softly. He held up one finger. “One; yes, I’m a fucking asshole and proud of it, glad we’ve got that out of the way.” He raised another finger. “Two; problem? No, they’re too much shit to be any kind of trouble to us. But you see, why work ourselves when we can have people work for us? We use our fucking brains here! This will be far from being the first community we break down and turn into our loyal little mutts. We don’t do anything unless there’s benefit to it, and making sure your people get out alive? My, that’s gonna be more complicated than if we just destroy them, right?”

The atmosphere had been heavy ever since Negan walked in, but now that was reaching a high peak. He was closer now, and it took Rick a moment to realize he was the one leaning forward this time, anxious to hear Negan’s response and also somehow drawn by the strange magnetism Negan had about him, that had kept Rick sharply aware of every inch of him all this while. He also became aware that at some point he had started holding his breath. Negan seemed to notice how Rick was feeling and that gave a pleased, sharper edge to his grin.

“You people have no settlement, you don’t produce. I won’t ask you to do anything because there’s nothing I can’t do my fucking self. You’re as useful as a big, nasty pile of fucking shit. But hey, Rick, no pouting. People themselves can be fair merchandise to me. If what you say’s true, then your group’s a fine ass addition to my own people here. I think we can work with that. You get what you want, I get two things I want” Negan lazily pointed to Rick first, himself then, “and everyone’s happy with our pretty little deal.”

Negan’s eyes flicked through Rick’s face as he thought of a reply. He bit the inside of his lip and gently shook his head.

“Look, Negan, that’s a… Generous? Offer, but I don’t trust you. I don’t trust people anymore. I wouldn’t be here if I had absolutely any other option. And many of the people with me think like that. I’m not sure it’d work out, but I’m sure we can do something for you, something different. You just have to name it.”  
  
“I’m the one who decides what fucking works out and what fucking doesn’t, Rick” Negan replied, narrowing his eyes, and Rick saw that there was a hint of something extremely menacing and dangerous in them. His breath hitched a little. “But it’d be such a big fucking fuck of a shame if we went through the trouble with a chance of it being for jackshit, right? Kinda makes me wanna reconsider it. Kinda makes me wanna punish you for making me waste my goddamn time.”

“It’d be a fucking shame if I was here losing my time too while my family’s in danger” Rick replied, not letting on that Negan was starting to make him feel really nervous. “If you’re gonna help me, freaking say so already, and if not just let me go to find someone who will. My son’s there and so is my baby girl. I’m not gonna wait any more here.”

Negan blinked at him a couple times, looking genuinely surprised, and then he was leaning back, away from Rick, and outright laughing.

“Go? Rick, Rick, Rick, you got shit for a brain too? Or was Simon a fuckhead and didn’t tell you? The moment you walked through that gate you stopped belonging to yourself. You’re mine now. You go out only if I tell you to do shit out, and the rest of the time you fucking stay here because my things can’t just wander around, can they? So help or not, you’re not finding any other fucker.”

The shiver that ran through Rick was visible and Negan took notice of it, the delighted shine in his eyes turning even brighter. His smirk was colder than ice, dark and downright dangerous, and a trembling Rick couldn’t help but wonder, if this man could make him like this just with words, what could he do when he actually did something?

He only had a vague idea, but he was sure it was terrifying. In some way, it was fascinating as well.

Negan stood up and picked the bat up. He was outright giddy as he swung it around and placed it on his shoulder, his other arm stretched to the side.

“But no need to get dramatic. Get that fucking ugly pout off your face, Rick, I’m fucking doing it. Moses, you better start kissing the goddamn floor ‘cause you’re in promised land.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first attempt at a chaptered fic for this fandom. I'm excited about it and I really hope some of you can find in enjoyable as well. I always love hearing opinions and I'm always open to suggestions of any kind, as well as pointing out of any mistake there might be.  
> I've got the general plot more or less sorted out, but not so much with the development of the relationship/dynamic between Rick and Negan. I will try to get this updated at least once a week, though!


	2. Who are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick goes to to get his family out of danger and he gets a little bit bloody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm overwhelmed. I'm honestly overwhelmed. I had some impression that someone might be interested in this, but the response I've gotten to the first chapter... wow. It's so much and I love every single one of you so much for it. I can't help the feeling that I'm gonna disappoint you, but I'll work hard to not make it so!  
> (Also, talking about disappointment, the intense part of this chapter kicks in later on, keep that in mind ;) )  
> (Also there a GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF VIOLENCE warning tag. Keep that in mind, will you?)

While the Saviors - that was the name of the group settled in the factory, that turned out to be called the Sanctuary, all of which gave Rick a rather strange impression of what Negan thought of himself - were more than capable of handling the situation on their own, Rick had been adamant on going with them despite his weak physical state. Negan had, in his own words, _sure as the ass of every single fucker trapped in hell_ agreed.

However, while Rick had wanted to head there, no if’s or but’s, as soon as he walked out of the room with Negan draping his arm over his shoulder and talking about what good friends they’d be, Negan had insisted on having _some fucking time to get everything ready, goddamit Rick I know you’re more bloodthirsty than a starving vampire but wait a damn second alright?_

His bitter complaining was ended when Negan shoved him into a communal area and said that one more word of bitching would have him reconsidering things. Rick attempted to distract himself and not say something that would anger the man by inspecting the whole area and the people there. While none of them seemed to particularly notice him, seeing so many people made him antsy and wish his gun hadn’t been confiscated.

All that flew out the window when he was presented with some food, though.

It was just canned food, but his mouth watered as soon as its smell hit his nose. He drank directly from the pitcher, so eager that almost half of the water ended up on his clothes, and he  stuffed his mouth so much he could barely close it. He was currently trying to force half a bread into his already full mouth, under the slightly alarmed and judging look of the little woman Negan had grunted at to feed him.

It was definitely better than what he’d had before. When they were captured, they had been given a moldy piece of hard bread each and some thankfully fresh water, half of which they had all agreed would go to Judith.

Judith. Judith, who was still in that basement. He felt an intense rush of guilt when he thought that he was satisfying his own needs while his family - his children -  were starving in the best of scenarios. Taking the food some strangers had offered him and sitting there, doing nothing and waiting. He stopped eating, froze completely and for a second felt like he was going to throw up everything he’d swallowed.

He suppressed the need to stand up in and do something reckless. The woman seemed relieved that he had calmed down, and he discreetly regarded her as he considered the possible outcomes of taking the knife he had been given, put it on her neck and take control of the situation. It’d be easy enough, that much was certain, and in any case he still wasn’t fully convinced no one would suddenly do the same to him.

He shook his head and went back to trying to eat, knuckles turning white around the knife he hadn’t realized he had actually taken in his hand. It would be completely useless to try anything in the core of the Sanctuary, his rational mind knew that, and he didn’t find it hard to believe that the Saviors would kill one of their own people to ensure the safety of everyone else. Not to mention that following that almost animalistic instinct meant saying bye to his one chance to save his family.

But fuck if he didn’t feel like a caged animal waiting to be sacrificed. He had to deal with it until half an hour later, when Simon entered the room and made a beeline for Rick.

“The boss liked you, I see” he commented as his hello, his voice a mix of a friendliness that had definitely not been there before, surprise and curiosity. Rick looked up at him, silent and gloomy. Simon waited for him to reply, but when Rick didn’t he shrugged. “Congratulations are in order, friend. I guess you’re full here?”

Rick brushed some breadcrumbs off his beard, then tried to dry it of the water with a napkin to the best of his ability, slightly embarrassed by the mess he had made of himself. He nodded slowly.

Simon’s apparently friendly demeanor shifted to something slightly sharper. “Brilliant. The team’s ready. Now get off your ass and follow me.”

He had gripped Rick’s shoulder and forced him to stand up before he could manage to do it himself, which was quite an achievement since Rick jumped to his feet as soon as he heard it. The woman approached Simon saying something about some points, but he lazily dismissed her and told her to discuss it with Negan, if she had the guts for it. She paled and spoke no more.

Rick shoved Simon off with excessive violence but was obedient in following him outside, where a couple vans and a medium-sized crew were waiting. Some of them looked interested in Rick, others not too trusting, and others completely indifferent. There were some introductions made, but Rick only took note of those who seemed most relevant right after Simon: Arat and Dwight. He made it clear that he didn’t care about anything but crushing those they were supposed to crush, and soon he was sitting in the van, next to Simon.

“It’s to the southwest. If you go-”

“You think you’re coming because we need you to give us directions?” Simon interrupted sardonically with an eyeroll. The van started moving, soon followed by the other one. “We’re professionals here, Rick, we’ve been watching them ever since they got there. If you’re coming with us, it’s because we’re not gonna let you stay here while we do your dirty work. If someone has to get hurt, we’ll make sure it’s you and not one of us, too. We’ll be there in an hour and a half.”

Rick hummed. Of course someone like Negan didn’t let any loose ends. “I guess Negan doesn’t come to these things?”

“Only to the interesting ones, of course” Simon replied matter-of-factly. “This one’s not looking like it’s gonna be. He told me to keep an eye on you, though, see if you’re some big disappointment. He’ll probably tag along to the next one if you aren’t.”

“Next one? You’re assuming too much there.”

“And you’re assuming too much about the freedom you have, dumbass.”

Rick huffed, too tired to reply. He had spent more than 24 hours awake, many of them rushing through the forest and fighting walkers, and now that he was sitting there, with the low hum of the engine, all the tiredness came down on him at once.

He had an hour and a half to sleep. He decided to take it; talking to Simon was anything but tempting, and he’d need energy at the end of the trip. He was going to kill a lot, after all.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

He dreamed of the guy he had killed in the woods, only that no matter how much he bashed his head into the tree he just didn’t die, which Rick didn’t particularly mind because it meant he got to keep doing it. Once he was tired of it, he pushed him away and the man had turned into the leader of the group, and Rick realized he had Negan’s wired bat on his hand, and he didn’t hesitate to use it on the man as he heard Negan’s delighted laughter coming from somewhere. It would have been satisfying, if Rick wasn’t too focused on destroying the man, whose face changed with each swing. The leader, the dead guy, Gareth, the Governor, Shane - there were some more complex feelings with that one - and start again.

Then the truck stopped moving and the sudden stillness shook him awake. Before he could open his eyes, Simon poked him hard on his temple.

“We’re here, you sloth. Get moving.”

Rick didn’t argue and just grunted as he got out. That dream had revitalized his need to do something violent, and he didn’t want to lose a single second talking. When he got out of the truck he saw that they were just before the gates of the urbanization. There were two guards on the wall, pointing their rifles at them, but the Saviors had quickly organized themselves and they were aiming right back, twelve to one. The nicest thing that could be said about the guards was that they looked like they had shit their pants.

Rick took the rifle he was offered and immediately aimed at the guard on the right. He was pulling the trigger when Simon realized what he was doing and shoved him violently, making him miss the shot, which landed two centimeters away from her foot. She paled more than she already had and a second later she was running back inside, followed by the other one.

“What the hell did you do that for?” Rick asked through gritted teeth, turning his furious scowl to Simon, who seemed incredibly annoyed. “They’re gonna tell everyone else we’re here.”

“Didn’t Negan tell you? Or were you too busy with your stormy mood to pay attention? We want them to work for us, so killing all of them is sort of counterproductive, isn’t it? And hey, you said only 15 of them looked like they could pull off a fight. Making them surrender will be easy enough, warning or not.”

“What, so that’s all you’re gonna do?” Rick continued, angrier now. “Make them surrender? I want to see them dead, Simon, and I’m going to.”

“Oh my god, don’t make me put a bullet in your head! You’re not boss here, so do what you’re told to or we’ll have a problem, alright?”

Simon patted Rick’s cheek mockingly, sardonic smile on his face, and Rick’s hold on the rifle tightened considerably. Simon was very aware of it, eyes carefully going down to it. However, when the other Saviors readied their own weapons, he raised his hand to silently tell them to not do anything. His eyes went up back to Rick’s and they stared each other down for a few moments.

“Chill the fuck out, Rick, I get it. And don’t worry, someone on their side is going to die today, just not all of them. We kill a few and everyone else gets what happens if they try shit, that’s how we roll.”

Rick pursed his lips, eyes still hard, but soon enough he sagged imperceptibly and nodded. It made sense and was probably the most effective thing. He knew he wasn’t precisely on his most rational mindset at the moment, so he forced himself to calm down and accept it.

While they had that small conflict, the others had managed to crack the lock of the gate. The sound of the metal screeching as it opened distracted Rick, who looked at it and then back to Simon. The man nodded and Rick felt relief as he rushed inside behind those who were already entering.

There was less chaos than Rick would’ve thought, and the few people who hadn’t had time to hide or try to go arm themselves were obediently putting their hands up under the watchful look of the invaders’ guns. Rick wasn’t too interested in that, so he pointed Simon to the house occupied by the leader and then he headed on his own to the house where he had been kept along with everyone else.

He shot the lock off and opened the door with a kick. There was a guard inside. Rick remembered she had cruelly mocked them about Abraham’s dead and about having to give half their water to Judith, so he didn’t take mercy on her terrified, trembling appearance and shot her on the spot without a second thought, and he didn’t as much as blink as he did so.

He watched impassively as her body fell limp on the floor with one last panicked scream, eyes empty and a bloody hole on her forehead. He allowed himself a moment of cold satisfaction as he gave a hint of a small smile before moving on to the basement.

He blew that lock too but opened the door in a much gentler way to not scare the ones inside. The first thing he saw when he walked down the stairs was Michonne standing in front of him, her fierce and furious look immediately giving way to one of shocked, immense relief. Immediately, Rick walked up to her and let her wrap her arms around him as he did the same to her, holding onto her tight and closing his eyes as he let himself breathe for what felt the first time in three days.

“Rick, you’re back.” Michonne said, voice soft and filled with joy. He nodded softly on her shoulder.

“I am. And I’m getting you all out of here.” He stepped away just enough to be able to look at her face. “You’ve been trying to cover them” he stated, not a question. She nodded in silent confirmation anyway. “Thank you. I’m sorry for leaving you, but I had to if I wanted to do something.”

“I know, Rick. We all know.”

They exchanged a small smile and then Michonne turned around at the same time Rick looked behind her to check on everyone else. There was enough light on the basement to make out the shapes of everyone, most of them standing and looking up at him in relief, a couple too weak or shaken to do so. He saw Carl walking slowly up to him, and he felt warmth rush through him at seeing him again until the moment he was close enough to clearly see his face. Then his blood went cold.

He was missing an eye.

“Carl” he whispered horrified while his son attempted to give him a weak smile. He was sickly pale and trembling slightly, and the place that had once been his right eye was now a hole of drying blood that looked too much like it was dangerously infected. A nasty gash went from the top of his cheek to his eyebrow.

“They, huh, they wanted to punish someone for you running away, and they said this’d serve you right when they caught you and you saw” Carl explained. His voice was as weak as he looked, but he was clearly trying to make himself sound as alright as possible. Rick felt something terrible stirring in his stomach and he feared he would actually throw up. He brought a hand up to cover his mouth and started to shake slightly, feeling bile at the back of his throat.

“No, no no no” he muttered. He rushed up to his son and wrapped his arms around him, burying his face on his hair as he felt tears menacing to drop from his eyes. His shaking was intensifying, and he held on tighter as if it would change what had happened.

“I’m sorry. Oh God, Carl, I’m so sorry. I- If I hadn’t- God, this is my fault, I shouldn’t have- I’m sorry.”

“Dad, stop it” Carl interrupted, shaking his head under Rick’s. “You’re back now and you’re getting us out. That’s what matters.”

Rick knew for a fact that Carl was much more affected than he let on. Maybe he didn’t want to start screaming at him in public, maybe he was trying too hard to be rational, or maybe he was just far too weak to be furious. The feverish heat Rick felt made him inclined to think it was the last option. Regardless of it, Rick chose to simply nod and accept it for now. He kissed Carl’s head and raised his almost tear-blurred eyes to everyone else.

There were diverse grades of sympathy in their faces, graduated with just plain tiredness. Rick let his eyes wander through everyone to check on them, stopping briefly on Maggie, who was sitting on the floor, hugging her knees and looking at him with an utterly broken look on her eyes. He felt his heart freeze and went through everyone again, looking for-

“Glenn. Where’s he? Where’s Glenn?”

“He tried to stop them from hurting Carl” replied Maggie from her spot, slowly getting up. Her voice was a strange mix of too weak to be steady and just plain numb. “So they did to him the same they did to Abraham.”

If Rick felt bad before, now he felt literally sick. He let go of Carl a little too harsher than he probably should have and turned around, walking a few steps away as the words resounded in his head. He shook some more, eyes wide, until Michonne put her hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her, seeking _something_ , and she simply shook her head gently. Now was not the time.

Rick gulped air down and closed his eyes, forcing himself to calm down. When he turned back to the others, he had managed to get himself together.

“There are people waiting for us outside. There’s a place we can go to rest. Let’s go.”

When they reached the street, it looked like everything had calmed down. The main leaders of the group were kneeling in the front of the gate at gunpoint, and the rest of the population were kept at bay by three of the Saviors aiming at them.

“You got them, I see!” Simon claimed cheerfully when he saw Rick and his group approaching. He inspected all of them and nodded, apparently satisfied with all of them. “Was it hard to get them?”

“I had to kill the guard. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not.”

“Huh, no worries. We have more than enough to spare here. We’re deciding who to kill right now.”

“Let me be the one to decide” Rick said immediately, eyes becoming hard and cold as he turned to those on the ground. “You want example? Let me be the one to do that, too.”

“I was planning on exactly that” Simon answered, smirk growing as he approached Rick lazily. He stood behind him and pushed forward gently. “Be my guest.”

Rick nodded thankfully at him and passed Judith on to Michonne before going ahead, slowly walking in front of the people. They were four, the main leaders, and everyone else just followed orders. In that moment, Rick was willing to kill all of them given the chance, but he knew what he had to do. The reality of the situation had seemed to sink on the four of them, who were shaking in fear as they looked up at Rick.

“I’m sorry! We only-”

“One more word and I’ll tear your tongue out.” Rick’s voice was icy. He delighted in the fear his words obviously caused before turning to his people. “Who did it? Carl? Glenn?”

“It was both him” Carl replied as he pointed to the man on the left end, his voice stronger now that it was filled with hate. Rick nodded at him and looked at everyone else, not all of whom seemed to understand what was about to happen, before turning around again.

“Dwight, my son’s hurt and I don’t want my daughter to be here anymore. Get one of the trucks and take them back to the Sanctuary. Take Maggie too, and everyone who needs urgent care.”

After discussing it with Simon briefly, Dwight guided half of Rick’s group and half of his own to one of the trucks, after Rick promised Carl he’d be with them soon enough. Every word he said since he was pointed to the man who killed Glenn was said with his eyes fixed on him, unemotional and barely blinking. Once he heard the first truck drive away, he got closer and squatted before him.

Among the leader group, that man was the one with most authority. From what Rick had picked up on his brief stay, it wasn’t because he was more skilled or smarter, but simply because he could shout the loudest and everyone else was either too scared or too weak-willed. He had killed Abraham, Glenn, cut Carl’s eye out and attempted to have Rick killed. The executioner, it seemed. As if he enjoyed being in charge of other people’s suffering.

Rick was furious, But it wasn’t hot and reason-blurring. It was calm and terrible and he was extremely aware of everything he was going to do.

Rick threw his gun back and picked his knife instead. As soon as he rested the edge on the man’s cheek, his trembling got extremely more violent and a dark stain appeared on his pants as the smell of piss hit Rick’s nose. He smirked coldly at him and pressed the tip of the knife in, drawing a bead of blood.

“Listen to me carefully, because I want you know what’s going to happen from the beginning. I’m going to carve your eye out just like you did with my boy and force you to swallow it. Then I’ll do the same with your other eye, and when that’s done, since you won’t need your tongue anymore, I’ll cut it out slice by slice, like you did with Abraham and Glenn’s legs and arms. I’ll do it all real slow. After that I’ll stab you on the groin and slice up to your chest so all your organs fall on the street. And I won’t enjoy a single second of it, but I’ll do it anyway because it’ll be justice.”

Rick just pressed a little more, and the man’s own shaking did the rest of the work in pulling the knife in. With a steady grip, he pulled up slowly, inch by inch, and started making good on his promise.

His face remained completely emotionless during the whole process. He blocked out everything, from the man’s begging to the distressed and terrified screams of everyone being forced to watch, to the disgusted but fascinated comments from Simon, to the eyes of his people he could feel on his back.

When he was done, his hands were completely blood red and he had various blood stains all over him. He stood up and walked up to the people, many of them reduced to sobbing messes. They all flinched when they saw him approach.

“You’ve all seen it. If you try to go against us, that’s the best you can expect.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“I didn’t enjoy it” Rick stated, voice firm in appearance but with a slight shaking under it. “I didn’t. But it had to be done.”

“We all heard you, man” Daryl replied. Rick couldn’t help but notice that his voice was even drier than usual. Some part of him hoped it was due to the borderline dehydration. He’d been told Daryl had given all his shares of water to Judith, after all.

“I mean it. It was necessary. It’s part of what these people do, and we still need their help, at least for some time. I know I horrified you. I horrified myself. But them? They’re mostly impressed. At least Negan will be, and that’s the one who matters.”

They were on the way back, on a van they had taken from the group they’de just subdued. It was driven by one of the Saviors. Simon had allowed it because while he knew Rick wasn’t too keen on the idea of being part of them, half his people were at the Sanctuary, including his children.

Rick was sitting, looking extremely tired in every sense but satisfied. The others were around him, looking at him with a variety of different expressions.

“Who is this Negan” Michonne started slowly, carefully, “and how exactly is this a part of what he does? How can he be _impressed_ by this?”

“He’s the leader of the Saviors” Rick sighed. “That’s the name of those people, and yes, I’m aware of how that sounds. He said they work by scaring the shit out of other communities so much that they work for them in exchange of not being killed. That’s what the example was about. Now they know what happens if they don’t obey, and they’re so scared they won’t even think of fighting back. I can’t say I particularly approve, but it’s what’s gotten us out of there so I’m not going to complain. The problem now is that Negan wants us to stay there. Become a part of his community, and I don’t know how to feel about that.”

A short silence settled between them as they thought about what Rick had said. Some of them looked interested, and others not so much.

“It sounds like… An interesting way of doing things” Michonne said, her voice extremely hesitant. “But it sounds quite terrible, too. Like a dictatorship.”

“We’ve all done terrible things here to survive, Michonne” Carol replied in a much firmer voice. “What matters now is if it’s effective. Tell us, Rick, is it?”

Rick closed his eyes and let his head lean back. He thought about the Sanctuary, about the amount of people he had seen there, safe behind fences and walls, and that had to be only a fraction of the population. He thought about all the food he had seen, among many other goods. He thought about those ‘points’ that sounded suspiciously like the money people had once used in what felt like an eternity ago, and how they had conquered that neighborhood in less than half an hour.

And then he thought about Negan, so filled with power, cunningness, charisma and self-confidence. About how everyone had looked at him with some fear but also the respect only given to those who deliver what they promise, and he found it hard to believe that the man had built a plan with weak points.

“Yeah, Carol, it is. It’s very effective.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Carl was still being treated by the doctor, who had assured a worried Rick that the wound hadn’t gotten too infected and Carl would be as fine as could be expected, and that Judith just needed a couple days of proper feeding to be back to health.

Everyone else hung around the infirmary, since Rick had refused to go anywhere else until the doctor was finished with Carl, and everyone else had refused to let the group be separated just yet. A promise to Simon that they’d make up for it had gotten everyone some food - bread and water, but the bread was actually edible and the water was more than a quarter of a glass for each one. As a plus, there was some baby food for Judith that Simon had offered with a friendly enough smile that Rick had finally felt inclined to return. He was currently smiling as he watched Michonne feed her - he was too covered in blood to dare to touch her.

“Well, hello there! I hope everyone’s good and happy?”

Rick looked to the source of the voice and found Negan on the doorstep, bright smile, lean back, bat on his shoulder. He took a few moments and sauntered inside, leaving Dwight at the doorstep, watching with his arms crossed. He waited for a few moments, grin unchanging.

“Are you deaf or you got the shit beaten out of your heads so much that your brains stopped working? I asked how you fine people are.”

“We’re good enough, Negan. The ones who made it here.”

The gleeful shine on Negan’s eyes grew even more as he turned around himself to face Rick. He beamed and approached him, who stood up just in time for Negan to clasp his hand on his shoulder.

“Rick, my man! Simon told me what you did back there, and holy hell, that’s fucking vicious! Just plain horrible, and I gotta say, I’m writing it down for next time I need to put the fear of God in someone. I freaking love it.”

“Oh, I know it” Rick replied with a hint of dry amusement.

“Of fucking course you know. I’m gonna be honest, I’m sort of afraid of you but that makes our little relationship a whole damn lot more interesting, doesn’t it?” He ruffled Rick’s hair a little bit. “Yeah, I get the feeling you’re all gonna fit here just fine.”

Rick was about to say, one more time, that there was no certainty to that, but in that moment Judith babbled a little and before Rick could even register it Negan was standing in front of Michonne, looking down at Judith.

“My, my. Who is this, Rick?”

“My daughter, Judith.”

“Well, hello there, Judith! Aren’t you the cutest little thing to grace this shit factory we got here? You’re so pretty you’re making me feel like painting all the walls in pink so it becomes your princess castle.”

Negan was wriggling his fingers in front of Judith’s face, and she looked at them fascinated. Then, without a hint of a doubt, she reached out and firmly grabbed one, which she started shaking around. Immediately, Negan bent backwards and his thunder of a laugh filled the infirmary.

He was apparently so absorbed in Judith that he had utterly forgotten everything else. Michonne gave Rick a look over Negan’s shoulder, and he nodded at her silently.

“Look, Negan, about us staying-”

“I’ve already picked out which ones will be your rooms” Negan replied, now standing in front of Rick like there had been no interruption. Rick wondered about what this man’s attention span was. “I’m gonna give you dull as shit jobs for a couple weeks to let you settle in and all that, and honestly, because I wouldn’t trust my fucking business with you people yet. But you’re gonna be part of the rad squad soon enough, if you people show you’re not here to fuck my hard worked shit up.”

“Negan, if you bother to actually listen to what I got to say, maybe you’ll hear that maybe we should talk about that first.”

In the span of a blinking, Negan’s smile was gone. He wasn’t frowning, and his expression didn’t look especially menacing, but his eyes were void of any good mood, and locked on Rick, who couldn’t help but shiver.

“My, Rick” he started in a tone that was far too quiet and composed for the storm Rick could somehow hear underneath. “You’re breaking my fucking heart here. I had planned our honeymoon and all, and you’re just gonna walk out on me? That’s fucking rude. Especially since I gave you a nice best friends forever gift and got all your fuckers in here when all I’m really interested in is you and your bloodthirsty psycho side. If you say one more word that doesn’t please me, I’m gonna leave my good manners behind. I told you earlier that you belong to me, and I meant every fucking word. You’re gonna work for me one way or another, and I’d really rather let it be the good way. But you wanna be a walker on the fence? Be my guest. Do you wanna be a walker on the fence, Rick?”

Rick swallowed hard. The air on the room felt extremely heavy now, like it was actual weight on him and hard to get into his lungs. There was a dead silence except for the doctor working on bandaging Carl’s head, as if there was no one else on the room.

Rick let his eyes flicker briefly to everyone else. He shook his head.

“No, Negan, I don’t want to.” Negan’s stare didn’t change a single bit. Rick swallowed again. “You have to understand, this is hard for me. I find it hard to trust anyone, but this… I think this place works. I don’t think you’re hiding anything from me, so yeah. We’ll stay.”

“Sweet! Now, was it that difficult?” Negan inquired, easy grin back to his face but still maintaining the atmosphere tense. “Now we just gotta make it official.”

Negan gave a couple steps backwards and pointed his bat at the door.

“Dwight, who are you?”

“Negan.”

The bat went to the doctor, Negan’s eyes still on Rick. “What about you, doc? Who are you?”

“I’m Negan.”

“As even you brainless shits can see, we’re all Negan here, and Negan happens to be me. Now what does that mean? It means that I’m everywhere. There’s no shit, no matter how fucking little, going on without me knowing about it. Not a single motherfucker can try to fuck anything up without me hearing about it. Who is Negan is in my good graces. So I want to ask you something, Rick. Who the fuck are you?”

A pause followed. Rick’s instincts to not submit were starting to calm down, but they were still pretty much there. He became aware he had heavy drops of sweat running down his forehead, and Negan’s heated stare on his wasn’t helping. This felt like signing a contract he knew he wouldn’t be able to break. He actually tried to get the words out, but his lips refused to follow his orders.

However, he wasn’t the one to answer.

“We’re Negan.” It was Carol. Everyone on the room - including the doctor, who was done with Carl and was watching the show - shifted their eyes to her. She was firm and not uncomfortable at all with all the sudden attention. She looked at Rick dead in the eye and her voice didn’t waver when she spoke again. “We’re _all_ Negan.”

Negan blinked, honestly caught off-guard, but then his characteristic smile bursted into his face. He blinked at Carol.

“Thank you, fine lady! I’ll definitely take it into account. But I think Rick really needs to be the one to say it.” He turned back to him, smile gone. “I’m waiting, Rick. I’m dying to hear your name, don’t make me wait.”

Rick’s eyes were on Carol, who gave him a warning look. He was going to check on Michonne and Daryl when Negan pulled at his beard violently to force him to face forward.

“Look at me when you’re spoken to, you fucking little bastard!” he growled, his tightening grip on Rick’s beard increasingly painful. However, Rick didn’t give any signs of it hurting him. He didn’t want Negan to see that. “I’m going to ask one last time, just because you impressed the hell out of me with your little murder show. Who? Are? You?”

Rick thought about what was around him. He thought that a doctor had just saved Carl from what could have killed him on the long run, about Judith being fed actual baby food. He remembered that both Maggie and Rosita were heartbroken and needed to rest and heal. He once more thought about the walls around them and all the things that Negan could provide in exchange of a word, from food to something that could feel like an actual life. And he couldn’t help but appreciate that Negan was putting everything over the table. He was very clear with what he wanted and how he wanted it. Rick was completely certain the man had no ulterior motives, and what he was asking was really not something unpleasant to think about.

He nodded and stopped feeling anxiety from having Negan’s gaze fixed on him. He looked right back at him with just as much intensity, not blinking, not breaking the visual contact. He smiled.

“I’m Negan.”


	3. No men like him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick has to deal with what he has done and Negan is set on starting to properly know his new, fascinating soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hand slipped. I was aiming for 5000-6000 words, ended up in almost 10000. Guess that's good?  
> Thank you for every single comment, hit and kudo, people. I'm so happy people can find this enjoyable <3

Rick didn’t remember his dreams from that night, but by the time he became aware of himself in the morning the memory of the moment when he had killed that man was playing again and again and again in his head, only he imagined he could feel what he had felt, so he had a pretty good guess about what had occupied his mind while he slept.

He felt an intense rush of nausea and got out of the bed as fast as he could without disturbing Judith, who was sleeping right next him, between his body and the wall. He attempted not to make noise to not wake Carl up either, entered the bathroom, and threw up as soon as he reached the toilet.

He let the contents of his stomach, half of it bile, go out and leave that bitter taste on his mouth for a few minutes in intermittent rushes. A couple times he thought he was done, but then his brain went to the messier parts of the earlier day and the nausea came back in full force. When he simply had nothing more on his stomach to throw out, he shakily wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and got up slowly. He went to the sink - which had an actually working water system - and tried to rinse the taste his mouth off, then his hands. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he cleaned them five times, and when he realized it, he sighed tiredly. After a moment of hesitance, he decided to shred his clothes off and enter the shower.

He had already showered far too much to be considered simply thorough the day before. Despite Negan’s intention of keeping all of them around for a while longer, seemingly very interested in them, it was clear that none had the energy to entertain him. Therefore a displeased but understanding Negan had them all shown to their rooms with the promise that, starting the next day, they’d all become useful to the community.

Everyone had to share rooms, at least for now. Not Rick. He and his kids were given a room - the biggest one, too - all for themselves in a separate area. Negan had led them there himself. It looked like the thing about having a whole lot his attention on Rick due to his psycho side was true, although Rick was very sure that his status as the leader of the newcomers had weight in it too. Negan had draped his arm over Rick’s shoulder, not minding the dry blood on him, and as they went through the hallways he cheerfully asked for details of the carnage. Carl listened as his dad complied, Rick was aware of that, but he couldn’t find it in himself to ask Negan to wait for another time, and he didn’t want to start this hopefully new stage of their lives with hiding things from his son, either. He knew that what he’d find in his son’s eyes - _eye -_ when he looked at him again would be the same than when he had ripped that man’s throat with his bare teeth.

At the very least, Judith couldn’t understand him yet. He’d take comfort in what he could.

As soon as Negan left them alone Rick locked himself up in the bathroom and threw his clothes into the laundry, although he wasn’t too sure they could be saved at that point. He got under the hot water and scrubbed, scratched, rubbed, rubbed and rubbed until the water at his feet didn’t have a single hint of red. Even then, he kept going, frantically and almost anxiously, until he realized he had used almost a third of the bottle of soap they had. He sighed and forced himself to stop, guessing his rational mind had to win the battle at some point. He let the water fall over him a few more minutes, dried himself up and put on a clean pijama he found on the drawers. He fell on his bed, and the prospect of finally, actually resting had him completely out in less than a minute.

Now it was like it had been for nothing. He saw his skin, saw that it was clean. Still, he couldn’t help but imagine there was something sticky and foul on it, refusing to let go. He soaped himself up until he could barely see it under the white and let it go away under the water, and even then he could still feel some trace of it on him. The next time would do the trick, he thought, only it didn’t nor did any of the next, always leaving less than the previous one but always leaving _something_.

He knew he’d chosen to put it there himself and now he couldn’t get it off. It wasn’t on his skin. It was on his mind.

He eventually managed to force himself away from the shower and slowly dried himself up. He was breathing steam and the mirror was completely fogged up. Rick took the towel and swiped it across the glass, forming a stripe of clear reflection of his own face, the lower half of it. Most of it was occupied by his beard.

Rick scratched it absently. It really was wild, and it wasn’t a lie that it made him look dangerous and feral. Like the man who hadn’t hesitated to make a carnage out of a living person less than a day ago. Someone who belonged on the outside with the dead rather than within walls.

He didn’t even realize when he took the decision, but the next thing he knew was that most of his beard was on the sink, the rest covered in lather and slowly disappearing under the razor. He nicked himself repeatedly on his haste, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as long as he got it out of the way. He couldn’t stand being the man from yesterday anymore. He couldn’t be that far gone.

There were several bleeding points on his face by the time he was done and it stung sharply when he put the aftershave on, but he smiled brightly at his reflection nonetheless. His face felt light and fresh, he could feel the cool water directly on his cheeks for the first time in quite a long time, and that symbolical act had let him almost forget about the feeling of unexisting dry blood on his arms for the briefest of moments. He nodded at his reflection, satisfied, and wrapped a towel around his waist to go outside.

What he found was Negan on his bed, in jeans and a simple beige t-shirt, lying on his back and smiling brightly at a laughing Judith, who he held up high in the air and gently shook her as she spread out her arms like she was a little plane. His expression as he watched her wriggle her little chubby arms would have made Rick think she was his daughter, if it wasn’t because, well, she was Rick’s.

Rick blinked at the image. That wasn’t precisely what he had expected to find in his room and he wasn’t quite sure what to do with it, either. He shifted his weight on his feet, waiting for some sort of acknowledgement, a reaction from the man to let him know how to react himself. Since Negan didn’t look like he had noticed him at all, Rick cleared his throat awkwardly, fidgeting some more. Negan’s head turned to him and his eyes opened wide. Rick couldn’t help but notice that the man took his sweet time giving him a dedicated once-over before going back up to his face.

“Fuck me sideways, Rick! Who knew you actually had a face under that angry racoon!”

Negan carefully set Judith back on the mattress and stood up in a swift movement. He was standing right in front of Rick in a couple long strides and then he went still, inspecting Rick’s body and face with his usual heavy gaze from up close. It didn’t make Rick feel threatened anymore, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t make him squirm a little bit either, especially when Negan lifted his hand. The man’s fingers brushed faintly over his chest, making the briefest stop on the gunshot scar over his shoulder, before ending up on his face. Without any sort of sense of personal space, Negan’s fingers closed over his cheeks and moved his face around to take a better look, playing him like a doll just like he had on their first meeting.

“Well, _shit_ ” he finally commented, breaking the absolute silence that had settled in the room. “No wonder Judith’s such a cutie, her father’s a fucking babe himself. I’m gonna be honest here, Rick, you’re adorable as fuck and I kinda feel like making out with you.”

Rick raised a skeptical eyebrow and had to purse his lips to stop himself from snorting. Negan’s fingers slipped down his cheeks and came together at his chin. He tilted his head backwards and half-closed his eyes as he smiled cheekily, tongue between his teeth.

“Gonna miss that psycho beard, though. I was gonna have so much fun using it to boss you around. Although this might work just as well” he mused as he shifted to grab a rough fistful of Rick’s hair. It made Rick gasp, more out of surprise than anything else, and he started feeling some heat spread over his cheeks. Negan’s face was far closer than it should.

Negan gave a couple experimental tugs and clicked his tongue. “Ain’t doing the trick, I’m afraid. Such a fucking shame.”

“I guess that’s better for you. I was planning on getting a haircut too, I’d have hated to disappoint you with that as well.”

“Oooooh, so you’re going from full wild mountain man to full ken doll? Can’t wait to see it, you’ll be dashing as fuck, all proper king of prom with a murderer heart beneath. Kinda like James Bond. It sort of tickles my balls.”

Rick couldn’t help his snort snort this time as he finally got fed up with Negan’s touchiness and pushed his hand away in an almost playful way. Negan complied easily enough, shrugging and stepping back. Rick picked some new clothes from a drawer with the sensation that Negan was attentively watching his back, although he seemed to be focused on Judith again when Rick turned around, and locked himself back into the bathroom to put them on.

“What are you doing here, anyway?” he asked once he got out a minute later. “First you say talking to me is wasting your ‘precious as fuck time’, and now you’re in my room first thing in the morning. And by the way, where’s Carl?”

“I sent him down, told him the doc wanted to see him” Negan explained easily. “I was bullshitting him, but it might be true as far as I know so let’s hope there’s still some work to do on that hole of his and I’m not making the lad run around for nothing, huh?” he chuckled, completely ignoring the stormy look that briefly crossed Rick’s face. “Told him to go get breakfast afterwards, you should probably join him at some point. As for the other thing, well, you’re not a waste of my time anymore, are you? Yesterday you were because I thought you’d be boring, simple as that. Now? Oh sir, I think you’re gonna be quite the entertainment for a while.”

He flashed Rick a toothy smirk, cold and sharp, at the same time his eyes shone. It was the exact same expression he’d had when hearing about Rick’s little murder, and Rick had no doubt about why Negan thought he’d be fun. His throat suddenly felt dry, his arms felt foul again, and for the first time he looked down to avoid Negan’s gaze. The man snorted.

“What is it, murder boy? You gonna act shy like a virgin about to be eaten out for the first time? It’s almost cute. That’s not fucking fair, man, you don’t get to be badass and handsome _and_ cute all at the same time.”

If Negan’s teasing was supposed to lighten the mood, which Rick didn’t think it was, then it utterly failed. He felt his stomach become a tight knot, and without looking at Negan he went to take Judith from the bed. He muttered an apology and entered the bathroom again to get her ready for the day, half hoping that Negan would be gone by the time they got out. No such luck, though, and Negan was smiling brightly to welcome them back ten minutes later, once more immediately invading Rick’s personal space without a care in the world.

Negan led him down to an enormous room with many windows allowing in the morning light. Rick subconsciously stopped for a second and held Judith closer to his chest when he saw it was full of people. There were several tables across the room, most of them occupied by people having breakfast. All of them turned their sights on them as soon as they walked in, making Rick feel on edge and his breath hitch. Negan side-eyed him, amused, before making a dismissing gesture and causing everyone to go back to their thing.

“Maybe you should try relaxing the fuck up. You’re safe here.”

Rick grunted a half-response, but in that moment he saw his group, all together in one of the bigger tables in a far end corner of the room, and the remark died on his lips. He did relax a bit then, some of the tension leaving him as he sagged and smiled. He quickly walked up to them. Negan didn’t follow. Once close enough, he noticed that they all seemed to be on edge as well, keeping their heads low, their voices quiet, and shooting brief looks around every now and then. Rick’s arrival and subsequent sitting down with them seemed to calm them down a bit, although a different kind of uneasiness settled on most of them.

No one quite managed to hold his gaze for longer than a few seconds and a brief, somewhat hesitant in some cases, smile before dropping their gazes down. By that point, even all those who had gotten there first had to have heard about what he’d done the previous day, and he didn’t expect those who had watched him do it get over it so soon. Only Carol seemed to be relatively at ease, although Rick could easily read her watchful eyes taking note of everything happening in the room as she pretended to just eat.

Carl approached to take Judith from his arms and Rick easily offered her to her brother. Not having dared to meet his son’s eyes the previous night and not having had the chance earlier in the day, he was relieved to see that Carl didn’t avoid his eyes, even if there was that strange, confused mix of feelings Rick had expected to see. He nodded at him nonetheless, a gesture of ‘it’s OK’, and Rick nodded back. He rejected the tray he was offered, stomach still uneasy, and faced all of them.

“How are things here?”

“This place is secure” Carol replied, voice even and controlled. “The defenses seem solid and the organization is efficient. I’d say that we’re good.”

Rick licked his lips slowly and nodded at her, giving her a little smile to thank her for her support. Next he shifted his attention to Michonne, who looked like she was about to defy him in some way but then changed her mind, shaking her head lightly.

“It’s alright with me. We’ve had a good sleep tonight and we’re being fed. People are being friendly enough. I can’t say I’m too comfortable, but then again neither was I when I first entered the prison.” She made a brief pause, like she had to think of what to say next. “I don’t approve of what you did yesterday, Rick, but I get it. I’m not sure staying here for good is what I want, because I don’t approve of what they do either, but if it allowed us to be here right now, then I think it was worth it.”

The smile Rick gave Michonne was much warmer than the one he’d given Carol. He did appreciate her support immensely, but he knew what Carol was able and willing to do if she thought it was necessary. Michonne, on the other hand, had a stronger moral code, was open about what she thought and she still understood him, had his back regardless of it. Rick had always appreciated that immensely, and now he felt that it allowed him to leave some of the weight on his shoulders behind and be comfortable on his own skin. She must have seen the gratefulness in his eyes, because she managed to smile back at him.

Rick maintained eye contact with her for one more second before shifting his attention to Daryl. He limited himself to nodding curtly, which Rick chose to interpret as agreement with what Michonne had said, and he smiled at him too. Those were the people whose opinion he valued most, and everyone else apparently decided to follow their lead. Except for Gabriel, who always looked far too lost to be in the world he lived in, they seemed to mean it, and that was all Rick could ask of them.

The conversation died down after that, but the silence that settled wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable. Maybe with a little more time they’d have started talking as if they weren’t on strange environment, but a while later Simon approached the table, looking completely done with everything.

“Hi” Rick greeted with a small nod of his head, and Simon was friendly enough to ease his expression a bit before nodding back. “Here for business?”

“Afraid I am. Boring business. You people, I know you’ve had a few rough days, but bluntly said, you’re gonna have to make yourselves useful sooner rather than later or things won’t work out too well. I’m gonna have find something for you all to do.” He reached down and took some of Daryl’s breakfast, lazily putting it into his mouth. “I see you’re done here, so let’s go somewhere else, hm?”

Without waiting for an answer he turned around and started walking away. People were very much not done, including Daryl, but a nod from Rick had them standing up and following anyway, in varying degrees of comfort with it. Simon led them out of the hall, through the hallway and into a much smaller, but still spacious room. Negan was in there, reunited with his bat now. He grinned when he saw them coming in.

“Hey there, Simon! Excited to do useful, productive shit and find stuff for these fuckers to do?”

Simon sneered something at Negan which made the man laugh. He was the image of bitterness as he took a chart from a table, sighing in defeat before doing so, and started going through it as he muttered lowly to himself.

Some followed him deeper into the room immediately. Others, like Michonne and Sasha, were slower to do so. Rick was about to go when he felt Negan’s gloved hand close tightly around his forearm, pulling him closer. Judith, who he was carrying, stirred a bit. He offered a questioning look but Negan just shrugged. He looked at Tara.

“Hey, you, cute thing! Why don’t you come over here? Yes sweetheart, I’m talking to you, don’t have that dumb look on your face. And everyone else stick to your shit.” The others looked away, back to Simon, as a bewildered and quite intimidated Tara approached. Negan flashed her a grin.

“You look like you’re the sweetest little thing, sweetie. Are you?”

“I… I guess I try to be?”

“Good enough for me. ‘Cause see, I wouldn’t want to put this little one in your hands” he commented as he took Judith away from a surprised Rick’s arms and planted her into an equally surprised Tara’s, “unless you were. Rick’s gonna have to leave the cutie for a while, and I’m sure you’ll do a good enough job in his absence. If something as much as makes her pout, there’ll be a hell of a shitstorm coming on the bastard responsible, but I’m sure you won’t take your eyes off her so no need to worry, right?”

Negan winked playfully at Tara, who nodded vigorously, face a tad pale, before turning around and joining the others. Rick, slightly open-mouthed, stared at the other man.

“What the hell was that about?”

Negan leaned easily against the wall. A moment later, when Rick didn’t move, he grabbed his arm and pulled him into the same position. “I already know what shit you’re gonna be doing around here, Rick. No need to make poor little Simon figure out something to give you only to tell him it was for jackshit afterwards. I’m afraid he’d kick me in the balls and I can’t afford to wait for them to stop aching for a good fuck, you know. You’re gonna be walking around with me, so let’s give the little one some peace away from the fucking filth also known as my vocabulary, huh?”

Rick blinked. Why would Negan want him to follow him around? “What’s it I’m gonna do, then?”

“Hell, are you fucking stupid? You might be ‘cause I just said it. Your job’s gonna be walk behind me, no hidden messages underneath. Entertain me. Learn how things work around here, what we got. Keep those lovely big eyes of yours open and fixed on my pretty face. Sounds sweet like a good night of non-stop fucking, right?”

“Why?” Rick inquired after a beat, brow furrowed. He expected to be put to do something actually useful. In the face of Rick’s question, Negan gave an easy chuckle and shifted a few inches to be facing more towards Rick, who unconsciously did the same. Negan’s eyes met his, and although his grin was mostly amused, they expressed something else. Rick felt it was something like gleeful excitement and careful calculation mixed in one.

“Why? Because, Rick, as soon as you’re done adapting to the Sanctuary I want you in my direct service. And because I still need to decide if I want to take your murder-happy instincts and turn you into even more of a killing-motherfucking-machine, or if I want to tame you and turn you into my docile, obedient little bitch. Both are tempting as fuck.”

His grin grew ear-to-ear wide when he saw that Rick had nothing to answer to that, pleased with it. He turned his attention to the group across the room as if nothing had happened, but Rick kept looking at him, heartbeat a little bit too fast. He thought about those eyes and he thought what would happen if that man had ever been his enemy. He shivered. He commanded just with his eyes and the sound of his voice, and the only thing Rick could say with certainty about him at that point was that Negan was incredibly more dangerous and scary than Rick was.

He hadn’t even known him for two days, hadn’t seen him do anything bad, and he already knew that. It made him uneasy, but not nearly as much as it made him want to know more.

He was snapped out of his brief distraction when Negan caught his attention and pointed with his head to the rest of the group.

“Those two beauties over there, what’s the deal with them? All gloomy and quiet, makes me feel fucking sad just to look at them, and usually a woman like that would make little Negan very, very happy. It’s like they’re on a funeral rather than being given jobs out of the kindness of my heart.”

Rick followed Negan’s indication with his eyes and found that he meant Maggie and Rosita. They were indeed standing noticeably apart from the rest of the group, and while they had their attention put in an a small-scale argument starting between Simon and Daryl, they weren’t too into it. They had inexpressive faces, standing close enough to one another to brush their arms together in a gesture of comfort.

Watching them like that made Rick’s heart ache. He gritted his teeth in rage, and suddenly having killed that man the way he had didn’t make him feel a taste of bitterness in the back of his throat.

“Maggie and Rosita” he eventually said. “And you could say they _are_ in a funeral. The man I killed yesterday, he killed two of ours, Glenn and Abraham. Maggie and Rosita were with them, respectively. They’ve just only begun their mourning.”

Negan emitted a long, low hum after that, eyes on the two women again. There was silence for a brief second, and Rick almost thought Negan was sorry for what had happened, but as soon as the thought entered his head the man beside him whistled loud and long. Everyone looked at him, and after a moment of basking in the attention, he signaled for the two women to approach and for everyone else to go back to their thing.

By the time they were in front of them, Negan had hid his easygoing expression, replacing it for one of seriousness. Maggie seemed careful in the way she eyed him while Rosita looked simply as pissed as she had been at everyone lately, and Rick felt irrational tension at what might be about to happen. Negan placed his hand over his heart, solemn.

“Rick was just telling me about what great men Glenn and Abraham were” he lied smoothly, “and it’s a goddamn tragedy what happened to them. I’d have been delighted to have them here with us. You two must be hurting a hell of a lot now, and I want you to know I’m willing to do anything” he let the ‘anything’ hang on for a few seconds, “to offer you any sort of comfort this poor fucker can.”

Rosita looked completely unimpressed. She stared at Negan through narrowed eyes before muttering a quick and incredibly scathing ‘thank you’ and giving him her back, going to where she was a minute earlier. Maggie seemed simply surprised, if a bit put off, but her voice when she thanked him sounded far more genuine.

Once she left too, Negan’s smirk broke back into his face and he animatedly patted Rick’s back before opening the door and dragging the man out with him. He started walking down the hallway immediately, Rick on his heels.

“Ah, widows. So full of pain, so needy for some good old-fashioned and dirty _comfort_!” he crooned like it was an extremely funny joke he had decided to share with Rick. “At least one of them’s gonna end up in my bed, I bet you. I think Maggie’s hotter, but did you see Rosita’s face? Oh my, she was about to slap me! I bet she’s wild like a fucking tigress on bed, scratching my back and making me bleed as I pound into her. Oh, I’m gonna have so much fun.”

Negan couldn’t see it, but Rick was staring at his nape, mouth slightly open, tense, eyes hard and knuckles white. He felt the sudden need to slam the man into the wall and punch him until he passed out. He was talking about taking the pain of two women had he brought with him - one of which had joined him so shortly after everything started and who he considered part of his closest family - as if it was a tool for him to use to get laid. Negan’s words also stirred something in deeply buried memories, about a woman who thought herself a widow and sought comfort in someone else’s arms, a situation that had eventually led to something that still ached in the deepest part of him if he slipped and let his mind go there.

“You’re absolutely disgusting” Rick sneered, tone matching his words, before he could stop himself. Even if he had been able to, he didn’t think he would have.

Immediately, he hit Negan’s chest when the man turned around to look at him. Looking up at Negan’s face made him see that he was opening his eyes widely in disbelief. In a matter of seconds, he went from that to laughing his ass off, bending back and clasping Rick’s shoulder as if he’d said the funniest shit ever, and then Rick’s back hit the floor with a burning ache in his cheek after Negan punched him hard and fast.

He groaned and cupped his face, unable to react in any other way for a few seconds. When he opened his eyes it was to find Negan looming over him, all hints of amusement gone, eyes dark and furious.

“I think I owe you a fucking apology, Rick. My incredibly charming and friendly behavior has led your shit self into believing a very big, stinking bullshit. You and I ain’t partners and we ain’t equals. I’m boss and you obey, that’s it and you’ll behave accordingly. Keep your fucking mouth in check or I’ll have to sew it shut.”

The image automatically settled in Rick’s mind and he didn’t need anything else to know that it wasn’t an empty threat. He felt his heartbeat hard in his ears, his blood ran cold, and he nodded quickly before Negan thought he didn’t accept it.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry.”

The bat landed on the floor, between Rick’s legs and dangerously close to his groin. “You’re sorry? You’re sorry, go kindly fuck yourself, Rick. But I guess that’s a motherfuckingly touchy subject, you’ve learned your lesson and I got to punch you and put you in your place, so I’ll let it slip. Just use your goddamn brain next time you think outright insulting me is a good idea, you shithead.”

Rick nodded again, and with that Negan’s anger was gone as quick as it had come. The scowl disappeared and his lips turned into a small grin as he let his eyes wander over Rick’s body under him. He offered a hand and an utterly confused Rick accepted it. Negan lifted him without much effort and turned into his heels, continuing with his walk as if nothing had happened.

“Very productive heart-to-heart moment, don’t you agree? I feel like we’ve given a huge step forwards in our relationship, Rick, that’s fucking beautiful. And if we ignore the whole disrespecting me aspect, I gotta say it’s refreshing as fuck that you said that, little bitches always keep their mouths shut. You see, the problem wasn’t what you said, but that fucking tone you used. Maybe once I’m sure you’re not gonna get any wrong ideas about how our little relationship works, I’ll let you run those pretty lips of yours wild.”

Rick couldn’t help but snort, even if he was rubbing his aching jaw as he walked. The hit hadn’t been extremely hard, but he could taste a hint of blood on his tongue. Negan was completely nuts, saying one thing and then the almost opposite, leaving him a very narrow range of action. Every time he opened his mouth he left him more confused, and Rick guessed all he could do was wait until he was used to the man and could read him better.

Negan seemed to go surprisingly quiet for almost a minute as he walked, and then he spoke again, voice much softer this time.

“I got to admit that might have been extremely bad taste, though. I say shit like that all the time, you’ll get used to it. But keep in mind that if anything happens it’ll be because they’ll be willing, Rick, don’t doubt that. I want you and me to get along.”

“I don’t doubt it” Rick replied simply, the far too little heat in his voice being his way of saying that he wanted to get along, too. Negan gave him a quick look over his shoulder, and his brief smile looked genuine. Rick almost felt compelled to smile back.

Negan spent all morning walking Rick around and showing him most parts of the factory, never keeping his mouth shut for more than two minutes at most. Rick kept his eyes open to every little detail he could catch, regarding Negan’s community and Negan himself, too. In a couple occasions he watched him deal with some minor problems, and what he saw confirmed what he had previously thought; his decisions were tough but reasonable, and the way people looked at him was respect with a little hint of fear. Negan seemed aware of it and to be extremely satisfied with it. It was, after all, the most perfect combination of feelings a leader could cause on their people. It ensured urgency to please and obey with no risk of ever being betrayed out of fear and hate.

Yes, underneath that crazy behavior was a brilliant, calculating mind, Rick thought as he watched Negan not-so-subtly threaten a man who was being far too problematic. He had created a system that worked well and which he had complete control over. He may be borderline brutal, if he wasn’t all talk, but despite everything Rick found himself thinking that Negan was worthy of being admired. If anything, he couldn’t stop looking at him with a sliver of careful fascination in his face.

They eventually reached one of the upper levels, Negan’s arm once more across Rick’s shoulder, the man commenting something that was supposed to be funny but all it did was put an unimpressed look on Rick’s face, which in turn made Negan chuckle.

“You look like you got a fucking tree up your ass with no lube. God, how can anyone stand you? I’m gonna have to come to the rescue and get you to stop being so goddamn bitter.”

“I think I’d rather be bitter than being, you know, a psychotic clown with poor sense of humor.”

He paled a bit when he realized what he’d said, and his body went somewhat tense as he waited for Negan’s reaction. However, instead of acting similar to how he had before, Negan limited to snort.

“Now, that’s how I like it, Rick. No real disrespect there, just two friends good-naturedly telling each other what scum they are. A classic.”

Then, Negan saw something up ahead that made his expression lighten up even more than it already was. Rick followed his gaze and by the moment he saw a beautiful redhead woman walking in their direction, Negan had already walked up ahead to meet her. When he did, he greeted her by hungrily closing his mouth over hers and leaning forward into her body, surrounding her in his arms.

Rick stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do as Negan elevated the woman and swept her around himself before settling her on the floor. She was laughing lightly and Negan was grinning. Then they turned to Rick.

“Rick, may I introduce you to my fucking gorgeous wife, Frankie. Frankie, this is the badass I told you about last night.”

He saw a look of apprehension briefly cross her face and he had no doubt what exactly Negan had told her about him. However, it was gone a second later, replaced by a bright smile as she offered him her hand. The tug in his stomach remained, though.

“Hi, Rick. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

Rick shook her hand as he tried to control his expression. A wife was something he hadn’t expected Negan to have, it just didn’t fit with the vibe the guy gave off. Specially when it came to his mind that a couple hours earlier Negan had made very clear his interest in having Rosita or Maggie in his bed. He tried to not let his smile falter as he wondered if she was aware of her husband’s actions or if she was blissfully ignorant. He couldn’t have made a great work, however, because her brow furrowed a little bit.

“Is everything alright, Rick? You look concerned.”

“It’s nothing” he answered as his eyes flickered to an unconcerned Negan. The seconds his gaze lingered on him were apparently enough for Negan to read him - it was starting to get scary, and he didn’t know if he had a far too open face or if Negan was simply too used to reading and playing people - because he waved his hand dismissively.

“Nothing to worry about, sweetheart. I just told him earlier I’m planning on banging someone, and right now he must think you’re my only wife or something like that.”

Understanding dawned on Frankie’s face and she smiled at Rick reassuringly. He frowned in confusion, though.

“Not you only wife, you say?”

“Oh fuck yeah! There’s too much Negan for only one person, you see” he commented, accompanying his words with a sway of his hips. “Got a bunch of them, they get along nicely ‘cause they’re all lovely as fuck and because that way none of them has to bear with my alarmingly high sex drive, so they don’t mind if I sleep out of our happy, big marriage every now and then either. Besides, if I had only one woman Lucille would get jealous, and I can’t have my girl feeling bad!”

That explanation left him even more confused. His frown deepened. “Lucille?”

Negan blinked at him as if he was goddamn stupid. Then his eyes opened wide and he groaned as he took a hand to his forehead, hitting himself.

“Fuck, I forgot to introduce you! That’s disgustingly rude of me to both you and her.” The next thing Rick knew was that Negan’s expression had morphed into a slasher smile and that his wired bat was within inches of his face. One of the spikes was so dangerously close to his eye he could see the light reflecting on it, and he almost stumbled in his hurry to step back. Negan grinned wider. “This, my dearest Ricky boy, is Lucille. You haven’t got the chance to see her in action yet, but let me tell you, she’s awesome and downright vicious. That’s why I fell in love with her.”

Rick bit back a ‘why am I not surprised’ comment and just raised his eyebrow in disbelief.

“You gave your murder bat a fucking name?”

“You bet your sorry ass I did” Negan crooned, apparently delighted at hearing Rick say ‘fuck’. Rick eyed Frankie, who shrugged imperceptibly and rolled her eyes as a fond smile settled on her lips. Negan looked warmly at Lucille for a few more moments and then settled her down and shifted his attention to his wife. One of them, in any case.

“By the way, sweetie, I want you to cut Rick’s hair.” When both of them raised their eyebrows, he stepped closer to Rick and ran his hand through his hair slowly, letting wavy curls catch and swipe through his fingers. Rick shivered into the touch, not completely displeased. “He said he wants a haircut, and I think I trust his pretty head with you. After all, you have some goddamned _skilled_ hands.”

Rick was pretty sure that said skill had nothing to do with haircuts, if the heated looks those two were giving each other were any indication. Regardless of it, no matter his complaining and his insistence that it wasn’t necessary, he ended up back in his room, sitting on a chair and with a towel around his neck. He was sulking a little bit, while an amused Negan sat across from him in his bed, smirking, and Frankie stood behind him working on his hair.

“He’s pretty, ain’t he, Frankie?”

“He sure is, Negan.”

The man ignored Rick’s slight blush as much as he had been ignoring his glare. “I’m glad you think so, honey. I think I’ll get him to join a threesome with us at some point. Or a whatever-fucking-some, if the girls feel like joining. He’s a babe after all.”

Rick’s blush intensified and his hands turned into first from fighting the embarrassment. However, before he could say anything, Frankie stepped back and spoke to him.

“That’s it, then. I sort of slipped, so I had to make it shorter than planned to make it look good” she explained, her voice sounding sheepish. “Hope you don’t mind.”

Rick hummed thoughtfully and ran a hand through his hair, making some of it fall on his face. He blew upwards to try to get a bit of it off. It was short enough for it to feel rough instead of soft against his palm, and for him to touch his scalp easily. If memory served him right, the last time he’d had it that short was at the very beginning, so long, long ago.

“It’s good, as far as I’m concerned” he reassured with a nod.

Negan got up, smile gone and its place taken by a thoughtful, observant expression. He walked up to where Rick was sitting and looked down at him. He lifted his hand and let his knuckles brush heatedly through his now short hair and shaved cheek, ending up on his chin before falling down.

“I said you’re a ken doll earlier, but that’s bullshit. Barbie and Ken wish they were half as fucking pretty as you, Rick” he whispered, voice low and resounding. Rick couldn’t help but shiver again, which made Negan’s lips curl into a small smirk and his eyes shine.

He looked up behind Rick’s back. “Frankie, that was so goddamn gracious of you, and I know you want to admire this work of art, but now it’s business time. I’d appreciate it if you went to do some other shit somewhere else.”

“Of course” she replied, sounding more bothered than angry. She said goodbye in a friendly manner and Rick responded, but he only heard her leave because his eyes were too busy still locked on Negan, who had gone back to stare right back at him.

They remained still, in the silence that fell between them, for a couple of minutes. Then, without breaking the visual contact, Negan walked back until his legs hit the bed and he sat down, body leaning forward towards Rick, his hands crossed over his legs.

“Rick, I’ve been with you all morning, kept you talking, and yet you’ve barely said anything about yourself. That hurts as fuck. I’m making an effort here to get to know you and you shut down, which I very much don’t like. So now you’re going to be the one who speaks and I’ll listen for a while. Go on, pretty boy.”

Rick swallowed thickly, breaking the contact with Negan’s deep gaze. He unconsciously bit the inside of his lips, taking the towel to clean some of the loose hair still in his head, doing it as slowly as possible as a way to gain some time. Negan seemed content to give him that little time, but eventually he couldn’t pull it off anymore and he let the cloth fall to the floor with a sigh.

He tapped his fingers on his knees, still looking down. He had reached a certain level of trust in Negan, but the thought of sharing things with him made him feel uneasy, a pang of anxiety piercing his chest. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, attempting to calm it down.

“I’m known to have an extremely big and beautiful part of myself, Rick, but it ain’t my patience.”

Negan’s warning came without a hint of his usual amusement, and all it did was increase the irrational anxiety. However, Rick dig his fingers into his jeans and forced himself to speak, without looking up. Everything before the world went to shit wasn’t relevant anymore, not for Negan, and not for himself. Therefore, he decided to start at the point where everything had, well, started for real.

“I was in a coma when the dead decided that graves are too boring. Got shot in the job, I was a cop. By the time I woke up at the hospital the world had been wrecked for a couple months. I had no idea what the hell was going on and almost pissed myself a few times.”

He was interrupted by a loud whistle coming from Negan. “Fucking fucked fuck! Now _that’s_ a way to say hello to a nice morning after a nap!”

Rick smirked bitterly despite himself, a bitter gesture. “You bet it was.”  
He continued talking, and judging by Negan’s expressive commentary, he was finding it interesting, although his replies were fewer and fewer as he went on. Finally, he interrupted him right after he was done talking about to Governor.

“Point one, Rick, it’s rude as shit not to look at the person you’re talking to, me in this case. You know, your goddamned boss. So as enticing as I know my crotch is, get those eyeballs up here.”

Rick obeyed, hesitantly but he did. Negan had his head tilted to the side, a curious look in his face. He inspected Rick’s expression for a few moments before licking his lips and going on.

“Point two, as fascinating as all that shit it, I already know you’re our resident Mr Awesome McCool here. You’ve been avoiding personal stuff, Rick. Start spilling, I wanna hear.”

“Why do you wanna hear?” Rick retorted, unable to keep the defensive edge out of his voice. Negan’s expression hardened a little.

“I don’t like you questioning me, Rick, that’s very nasty shit. But since I’m feeling kind, I’ll just tell you that I’m interested in you. Not just the killing machine, the fucked up little man driving it too. I’d advise you to tell me something personal _now_.”

Rick gritted his teeth but nodded quickly. He closed his eyes for a second and breathed deep. For some time now, he had been focused on keeping going and making his family do the same. He’d had no time for introspection nor memories, and therefore the drawer that contained the ones Negan was demanding was now dusty and hard to open. He didn’t even know where to start.

However, some things that day had opened a sliver to get into it. An unfortunate comment about Judith taking her looks from him, a mocking mention of a widow’s pain. Rick’s nostrils widened and he opened his eyes, not avoiding Negan’s now.

“The first person I killed without needing to was my best friend” he started, voice controlled and hard. “Or he had used to be. His name was Shane. We were on the same group and tried to work along, but he was for too violent about what needed to be done and at the time I was far too soft and naive. That was the surface. Remember I told you I woke up in a coma? Well, meanwhile, he had told my wife I was dead. I think he actually thought I was. But he had fallen in love with her, offered her _comfort_ just like you want to give Maggie and Rosita. He slept with her a few times, but when I found her and Carl it was over as far as she was concerned. He didn’t do anything at first, but we started crashing all the time and then Lori was got pregnant and she wasn’t sure who the father was and…”

Rick made a pause. He breathed deeply, having talked a bit too fast, and he felt his heartbeat stronger than it usually was. Negan’s face was somehow solemn to go with his unusual quiet mood. Rick couldn’t read him further than that.

“He tried to kill me, take me out of the way so Lori, Carl and the baby could be his.” Rick’s tone had slipped into clear sorrow now, but a hint of pure, uncontrolled anger was noticeable under it. “He actually got to the point of having a fucking gun pointing at me. I managed to talk him out of it, he was lowering the gun… and then I killed him. Stabbed him in the stomach. I could’ve tried to let everything work out, but it was so much _easier_ , Negan. With him gone I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone trying to impose the wrong decisions. But that wasn’t it, not really. The real reason was that I couldn’t have ever forgiven him for trying to take my family for himself, and when he died I felt _relief_. If I hadn’t killed him there, I would have done it sooner or later anyway. Given he didn’t kill me first, of course.”

He made another pause, seeing if Negan wanted to comment something. The man continued fixed on him, but remained silent. He nodded.

“With Shane, I… I lost faith in people. He’d been so close to me all my life, and he tried to fucking kill me. My best friend! It was then that I saw what this world can do to people, and I’ve never given my trust to anyone who hasn’t earned it since then. The day I killed Shane I killed the man I used to be.”

With that he was done. He lowered his gaze to his knees for a second and saw that his hands were a fist so tight that his nails were digging into his skin and almost broke it. He forced himself to relax and wait for some sort of response from Negan. Only Negan’s eloquence seemed to have fled him, or at least he chose not to use it, because the silence stretched on and on. Rick kept his eyes on that unchanging face, until the man finally let out a long, low whistle.

“Holy fucking _shit_. That’s some freaking heavy shit right there, Rick. Wow, no wonder you’re so ruthless if you had to learn that way that your friend was fucking scum. How did your family take it?”

“We didn’t know that everyone came back by then, so I didn’t break his skull. Carl had to shoot him. He was just a little kid back then, so he was too busy barely dealing with it to be angry at me. Lori and I had an argument that lasted until she died giving birth to Judith. I didn’t get to make up with her” Rick answered in his driest tone.

In that moment Negan’s expression was overcome with a hint of something different than the dedicated attention he was giving Rick, but as soon as it was there it was gone, and Rick didn’t have time to read it.

“Well, holy fucking shit again. Heavy stuff everywhere, huh?”

“And I guess that if we’re gonna get something actually useful out of this conversation” Rick continued as if there had been no interruption, voice still hard, “ it’s that I’m not a ‘killing machine’, or a ‘psycho’ or nothing you want to think I am. I used to be a very peaceful person, Negan, and everything that’s come afterwards has changed me but I’m still the same man. What I did to that guy yesterday… I can barely recognize myself there. It scares me, and if you want honesty I’ll tell you that I wish I never have to do anything of the sort again. I’ll do it, if you need me to or I have to, but get out of your head that I get off on it.”

Negan’s expression finally changed then, taking a wry tone. He leaned forward even more, dry smirk on his lips.

“What, you weren’t always a cold-blooded murderer? Well, surprise surprise, sir, no one was! Well, I’m quite certain at least one or two sick bastards were, but you get what I mean, don’t you? Of course I know you don’t want to be like that, deep down in your chiseled chest, but the point is that you’re willing to be if you think you got to and that’s what I like about you, Rick. You kind of make me think of myself.”

Rick’s eyebrows shot up, surprise almost taking away the storm that had been unleashed on his mind. He hadn’t expected Negan to offer any sort of information about himself in response.

“You too?”

“No, Rick, I was born with Lucille in my hand and I crushed the doc’s head because I thought he was the ugly fucker that made my momma cry. Who the hell do you think I am, exactly?”

The dry humor put a small smile on Rick’s lips. He let himself slip away into a different mood and leaned forward, mimicking Negan’s position.

“I don’t know, Negan. I don’t think I’ve ever met a man like you.”

“Oh, baby, there ain’t no men like me” Negan replied, wolfish grin in his lips and gentle shake of his head. The gesture made a shiver run down Rick’s spine. It started to look like that was a very Negan thing to do to him. He realized he wanted to know more.

“What was your life like, Negan?”

“Disgustingly average” the man answered with a small shrug. “I didn’t really mind all this night of the living dead shit, it didn’t take anything from me and it spiced things up. I do miss my car, though” he added a moment later, wistful smile on his lips. “A Chevy Impala. Ah, she was a thing of beauty, my girl.”

“Why am I not surprised that you’re the kind of guy to call a car ‘she’?”

“Wipe that smirk off your face, Rick, I’m a fucking gentleman and a lady like that deserves my respect.”

They both chuckled, light and easy. They gave each other a smile, Rick’s smaller than Negan’s but somehow more open, although that didn’t mean Negan’s was forced or false. Rick wasn’t sure what that expression on the man’s face intended to say. He didn’t worry about it and just enjoyed the comfortable silence that had settled until something poked at his mind. His expression faltered briefly. He licked his lips.

“Negan” he called. “You haven’t really answered me. A life doesn’t go down to a car.”

“Mine did, as far as you’re concerned.”

Both Negan’s voice an expression had suddenly taken a sharper, colder tone, a clear warning that Rick really wouldn’t like what’d happen if he decided to ask further. Rick’s eyes widened imperceptibly, but a second later he nodded in silent acceptance. Negan’s face softened somewhat after that, looking a bit like Negan’s own version of sheepish.

“Nothing personal, Rick.”

He didn’t add any clarification and Rick didn’t ask for it. He nodded again. “It’s OK.”

Silence fell down again, easy and comfortable. Rick didn’t know how long it lasted, but he was starting to think about breaking it when the door of the room opened. They both turned and saw Carl at the doorstep, holding Judith in his arms. He looked surprised to see Negan there, as well as his dad’s haircut, but he decided not to question it.

“Don’t close the door, brat” Negan said good-naturedly just before Carl did so. He stood up, picking Lucille and swinging a bit on his heels. “I guess this is my cue to leave you the fuck alone, huh? Sweet as hell morning, Rick. Don’t you miss me, you’ll be seeing me again quite soon.”

He walked out the door, making a pause to tickle Judith a little before leaving. When he was gone, Carl gave his dad a quizzical look, but Rick limited to shrug. Carl did so too and left Judith on the bed opposite Rick’s, sitting down beside her.

“How’s everything, Carl?”

“It’s good. For now Simon’s put me to arrange things in a storage room with Eugene. The doctor said I‘m good but I shouldn’t make too much physical effort yet, so I got to go pick Judith up from Tara and come back here.”

Rick nodded and inspected his son. Although the infection had gone down a lot after a single night of proper rest and taking a few antibiotics, Carl’s skin still had a hint of an unhealthy paleness. He was incredibly better than when Rick saw him the previous day, though, probably because instead of a hole with some pus, now he had a white, clean bandage over his eye. He seemed to feel good enough, too, so Rick guessed he could leave that worry aside. The physical side, at least; Rick could still feel a certain artificiality in his son’s behavior, the pretense that everything was alright when it certainly wasn’t. They would talk about that, at some point, just not now.

“And you? How was morning with Negan? He looks like a bit of an asshole” Carl asked back, lying down on the bed, arms crossed under his head. Rick nodded.

“He is. But it wasn’t bad. I’d say it was good, most of it” he answered with a faint smile on his lips. Sure, Negan was… unique, but despite all his rough sides, Rick found himself thinking that he actually liked the man, not just admired him.

Carl hummed, ending the conversation with that. Rick let it happen and reached out to Judith, who spread her arms towards him and smiling when he carried her into his lap. He smiled as he played with her, Carl fondly watching them from his bed. It’d be nice to spend a while like that, just enjoying time with his children and feeling safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obvious and shameless Supernatural reference? Nope I don't know what you're talking about.  
> Also, is it me or at this point it's starting to look like a pattern to have the first part of the chapter be setting things and the second part a more intense one?


	4. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick has a couple overdue heart-to-heart's and gets ready to take a step further into his role as a Savior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a hard one to pull through, and it was originally going to be one with the next, but I thought 'holy shit it's gonna be a fucking long chapter' so I decided that it was enough for a chapter and stopped writing there. One of the results is that it feels a bit empty to me, since the really interesting stuff would be on the second part, but those parts are clearer in my head so hopefully it won't take as long to have it ready. That said, I'm happy with this one too, and while not much actually happens I do think it helps settle Rick's mindset which is an important point as well.  
> (BTW most uncreative chapter title amirite?)

Rick was pleasantly surprised to find out that Negan had been right. His people fit in the Sanctuary just fine. Or as fine as it could be expected, anyway.

The first couple weeks were mostly dedicated to simply adapting to the new place. Negan insisted that he wanted these badasses following Papa Badass Rick into being a part of his Saviors sooner rather than later - as long as they proved that Rick hadn’t been lying and they were worth him laying out his offer, which he had conveniently forgotten to mention when he first tried to convince Rick to work for him in exchange of the help; ‘I don’t offer this to everyone, Rick, you impressed the shit out of me, but them? Let’s see’ he’d explained with a shrug - but for the moment they were given mundane jobs to make themselves useful in exchange of what they were given while they got used to the place. Rick found it particularly and amusingly ironic that Carol of all people had been put to cook, but by the second day she was cooking for Negan himself and the man had commented that he’d chain her down if that was what it took to have her make his meal again, so he guessed she was doing good enough.

Some of the complained about the situation, but Rick was deeply grateful for it. What they were doing wasn’t exciting, it wasn’t dangerous either and didn’t let them work their feelings out through violence - not too much at least - and Rick knew they needed just that. Some of them were broken, others furious and bitter, and the rest were simply having problems adapting to something different. About half of them clearly felt caged doing what they were doing, but Rick saw that it was good for them. They needed to stay inside and recover in all senses before he’d allow them to go outside again. Not all of them liked it, but they accepted it and they did what they were supposed to.

It wasn’t the same for Rick. Rick wasn’t given a boring but useful task. No, what he did was simply following Negan.

The man said it was part of Rick’s own adaptation period, so he could get fully used to the Sanctuary and how things were done around there. Rick, for his part, firmly believed that was bullshit, just an excuse to have him hanging around, hearing surprisingly colourful ways to curse and listening to the neverending words coming out of Negan’s mouth. And when Rick directly asked why Negan was doing all of that, the man paused for a moment, smirked as something unknown shone in his eyes, and leaned in to whisper against Rick’s face that he had too much potential to let it go to waste, before turning around and continuing with his babbling as if he hadn’t provoked goosebumps on Rick’s skin.

Rick didn’t know exactly what Negan expected out of him in the long run, but what he did know was that Negan had been surprisingly right. He had, over the course of a few days, actually gotten used to Negan and all that came with him as well.  He still found him a dangerous mix of dangerous and fascinating, and he still was left uncomfortable and tense by the sheer intensity of the fire burning within the man that he only rarely chose to uncover. But despite all of that, Rick eventually found that he simply didn’t mind any of that as he grew into a comfort that very few seemed to have in Negan’s presence.

And getting used to Negan meant getting used to life in the Sanctuary. Far sooner than he’d expected, his days became routinary, and with routine came comfort. He no longer was taken aback to wake up in his room, nor did he feel trapped in his own skin while being inside these walls. He even thought that, with some more time, he’d be able to call the place home.

As soon as he became aware of that, he did something he’d been waiting to not feel constantly on edge to do. He needed to be calmed and composed if he expected it to end up in a good way. He tried to talk to Carl for the first time since they arrived. Pause for a moment, look at him, and actually _talk_ to him.

He found his son in the room they now lived in the afternoon of the day he made up his mind about it. Carl hadn’t warmed up to the whole thing quite as much as his father had, but it was clear that he was immensely thankful for a space of their own, so the time he didn’t spend making himself useful was usually dedicated to just hanging around his bed. He was entertaining a happy Judith, and he acknowledged his father’s entrance with a nod of his head.

Rick closed the door silently as he entered and went to his own bed, sitting down on it and watched his children. Carl’s fever was completely gone now, his skin the same healthy color it had been before he lost his eye. He had his strength back as well, and his visits to the doctor to check his eye were down to one every few days instead of several times a day. Physically he was as good as he’d ever be and Rick was thankful for that. His spirits, however, worried him.

He waited until, a short while after, Judith grew tired and started to get sleepy. Carl gently placed her in a crib they’d been given a few days earlier and watched her until she was fully asleep with a fond smile. Then he turned around and grabbed a rubik's cube from their slowly filling shelf and dropped on the couch, already turning the pieces before he fell. Rick gave him another moment and then spoke.

“Carl. I want to speak with you.”

“I figured” Carl replied, not moving his eye from his hands. Two thirds of one face were red already, but the effort of getting the rest of it didn’t seem to be what kept him from looking at Rick. “I hope you weren’t going for subtle, because you didn’t put your eyes off me.”

“Carl, look at me.” That got his son to tear his gaze away from the puzzle and towards Rick, half-hidden by his hair falling over his face. He didn’t do anything else, so Rick motioned at him to go beside him. Since Carl didn’t obey, he sighed and went to the couch himself, sitting down beside him instead.

“What do you want to talk about, then? How wonderful your new bestie Negan is?”

Rick knew that the snark in his son’s voice came more from the situation than from any real resentment towards Rick’s usual company, so he ignored it and turned further towards him, almost fully facing him.

“I want to talk about your eye, Carl. You’ve been acting like you don’t even realize it, but I know it’s not easy.” His words were met with silence, so he decided to push. “Look, I know… I know that you think you gotta be strong, that you’ll be putting a weight we can’t handle on us if you break down even a little bit, and that’d have been true three weeks ago. But now I want you to look at me, and look around you. There’s no danger, we’re safe. If you break down you’re not gonna be a problem and no one’s gonna think you’re weak. Hell, you’re far too strong for your age. So if you need to scream, scream. If you need to cry, cry. All that’s alright, but Carl, don’t tell me _you’re_ alright. You’re not.”

As Rick spoke, Carl’s face had turned into an expression of impassivity with a hint of anger underneath it. However, it was easy to see the slight tremor in his pursed lips, or the way his hardened eye was fighting the start of tears. Rick reached out, but Carl swatted his hand away, turning around in his seat so he was almost giving him his back. Rick simply waited until he finally spoke.

“What do you want me to say, dad? That I’m angry you just went away like that? Well, I freaking am! You just… You left, dad! You left me and Judith behind and now look at my face!” He brought a hand to his face and hid half of it, as if in shame. “But that’s stupid, right? I mean, I know you couldn’t do anything else and that’s why I didn’t- But... Damn, dad, I don’t know what I feel, alright? It’s all stupid.”

He couldn’t see his face, but Rick had the certainty that Carl was crying. He was grateful that he didn’t push him off when he put his hand in his shoulder and pulled him closer, embracing him. He didn’t try to look at his face, feeling that at least that privacy was something Carl needed, and he’d stop allowing him this touch if he tried to take it away.

“Feelings aren’t known to be very logical, Carl” he muttered softly, reassuringly. “You’re young, you’ve gone through something horrible, and I’m your father. It ain’t that surprising you want to blame me.”

Carl wasn’t sobbing nor doing anything but be still and quiet in Rick’s embrace. However, he could feel hot tears fall into the arm he had around his son. Neither of them made mention of it.

“I can’t stand to look at the mirror” Carl added after what felt like hours. “And when I have to change my bandages… God, dad, it’s absolutely disgusting. Some people stare at me when I’m out of this room, too. I can’t forget. I spend all day thinking about it. It’s pathetic. I don’t think anyone’s ever gonna look at me and be able to look past it. Even you just pity me now.”

“First of all” Rick began softly, pressing a kiss to Carl’s scalp. His son tensed, but continued to accept it. “I’m your father and I worry about you, it’s different. It’s what I do. And how can you say it’s pathetic, huh? Didn’t you hear me earlier? You’re strong, and it’s alright to not be alright. Just keep that in mind until you can deal with it, OK?”

There was a hum from Carl, and then silence fell in the room. They stayed like that, with Rick holding Carl close, for about ten minutes of each thinking about it. Rick didn’t feel like he needed to say anything else, not that he had in himself the communication abilities to push the conversation further, and he guessed Carl needed a bit of silence to think about it. He eventually shrugged out of Rick’s arms in a gentle way, and Rick complied without saying a word.

Carl didn’t look happy, per se, and he guessed that the reason he went into the bathroom was to clean off the tears from his face. However, although he refused to look at Rick in the eye when he came out and muttered that he’d be going out, Rick could feel an easiness to him that hadn’t been there before, a weight gone from his shoulders, and he knew that Carl had needed to hear what he’d said. He just wished he had tried before.

Rick sighed after a while of staring at the door through which Carl had left and stood up. Negan demanded his presence mostly in the mornings, and although sometimes he found himself going after the man’s steps all day, most afternoons he had the time all to himself, and he usually spent it in relaxing in his room or checking on how everyone was doing.

He wasn’t sure what to do with himself that day, and he tried reading for a while. However, when half an hour later Judith stirred and would clearly not go back to sleep, he made up his mind. He gingerly took her in his arms, got her ready to go out and left the room. Now that he’d managed to gather the nerve to have that conversation with Carl, he guessed he should make the best out of his mood. He knew that when this ability to talk to others was gone, it’d probably take its time to come back.

As with everything about the man, the work Negan demanded out of those under his protection could in some cases be borderline harsh, but always reasonable. That included almost half a day of rest. Some of Rick’s group hadn’t had problems integrating into the Sanctuary and made the most of it. The same couldn’t be said about others, who for the moment chose to be by themselves until they got more comfortable with the place - at least that was what Rick hoped. And that was why he knew he’d find Maggie in her room.

He knocked on the door and was welcomed inside by a tired-looking Maggie, although she smiled brightly when she saw Judith was with Rick. He smiled too as he passed her to the woman, who happily accepted her into her arms. Judith was happy to go into Maggie’s arms and cooed happily. Her smile grew even softer, and then she smiled at Rick.

“Hi, Rick. What can I help you with?”

“You mind if I come in?”

Maggie stepped aside and Rick walked inside. After the first couple days, the group had been granted other rooms, only slightly worse than Rick’s, smaller but more comfortable and to be shared with just a couple people. Rick had already been there and comfortably so, but he still waited for Maggie to indicate him to sit down to do so. She did the same a second later, settling Judith into her lap.

“You’re alone.”

“Yeah, Sasha and Tara went out a while ago. You know, try to get familiar with the place, hang a while with the others, that sort of thing.”

“And why are you here alone, then?”

Rick was leaning slightly to the side towards her, a gentle look of concern in his face. He already knew the answer to his question, the same of why he hadn’t even doubted that she’d be there to greet him and his daughter. His expression grew softer when, in response to his question, Maggie limited to smile sadly and look forward, away from him.

Rick kept looking at her for a few more moments and then sagged, getting his eyes off her as a way to give her some sort of intimacy. He looked at his hands instead, laying together between his knees as he made his thumbs play with one another.

“”Maggie, you already know this” he started, voice soft and careful, “but Glenn was with me from the beginning. He-”

“Don’t.”

Maggie’s interruption wasn’t unkind, but it was firm. Rick saw how her hand found its way atop of his, following her arm until their eyes met. Hers were the same as before, sad and tired but not angry. She shook her head with the same gentleness that was in everything she was doing.

“You don’t need to say more, Rick, I know what you’re going to say. He was family to you too and you’re also hurting. I know.”

Neither looked away and in that moment they understood each other, more than they ever had. Rick felt his throat closing and a sensation of oppression in his chest. It was true that he missed Glenn deeply, but since the moment he got all of them into the Sanctuary until now, he hadn’t had time to think about him. Or hadn’t allowed himself to. Looking at Maggie now, thinking about it, the full weight of his loss fell on him, making him feel like he couldn’t breathe, the guilt of not properly mourning Glenn stopping him from it.

He closed his eyes for a moment, breathed deeply, and forced himself to focus on the here and now. He squeezed Maggie’s hand in a sign of comfort.

“I guess you also know that you’re not alone, right? We’re here for you, all of us. Especially me.”

“Why are you telling me this, Rick? I appreciate this immensely, but why now, why me? Rosita lost Abraham back there too, and Sasha’s still mourning Bob and Tyreese.”

Rick chuckled a little, the sound not fully amused even to his own ears. He moved his eyes away from hers and went back to his hands, which were on their own again after Maggie retreated hers.

“Rosita? She’s been snapping at everyone who tries to even go near her, including me, so I’d rather not risk getting hit in the face before I even have the chance to talk to her. About Sasha, she’s calmer that Rosita but I don’t think she’ll let me talk to her about it either, and you know she’s been making herself busy. She’s working all of it off, it’s not the healthiest thing to do but at least she’s doing something about it. You’re not.”

Maggie emitted a small laugh, a sad, almost bitter sound that almost made Rick want to cry. He said nothing and just gave her time to gather her words.

“Yes, I know that too. All that anger she’s got, it’s coming out and it’s exploding. That violence, it’s letting her fit right in. I can’t imagine what’ll happen when they allow her to have her riffle back” she said before laughing again in the same exact tone. “This place, Rick… I don’t think it’s bad. But it’s not good, either. I know Glenn wouldn’t have approved of this.”

Maggie’s eyes were hard for the first time since Rick got there, and it hitted him like a truck. He felt his stomach clench and his mouth go dry as he gapped uselessly at her for a few seconds. He’d never questioned that until that very moment, and he found himself momentarily sunk in memories of Glenn, of who he was. His word had always been one of the most important to Rick, and something he knew without a doubt was that Glenn was good. He was selfless. And if he had been there, Rick knew that making people work for them under the threat of death would have completely disgusted him. He knew it as much as Maggie did.

But Glenn was gone.

“I know this isn’t the best, Maggie” he started, voice fumbling and unsure at first but gaining strength as he went, “but it’s the best we can make. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but this places keeps us safe. _Negan_ keeps us safe, and that’s all that matters. Maybe we could find some other place, but maybe there’s nothing better. Yeah, their methods are cruel, but this is a cruel world now, and I’m pretty happy to be here. We’re staying for good, Maggie. You can put it on me, if that makes you feel better, but we ain’t going anywhere.”

He held Maggie’s gaze, intensely and almost without blinking, until quite a while later she gave up and was the one to look away, sighing heavily. She passed her hand through her hair. At this point, Judith had long gone to play on the floor, and Rick wondered when exactly that had happened.

“I know. I know we can’t afford to lose this place. But what Glenn would have said… I’ve been thinking about it ever since we got here, and it’s honestly driving me mad.” She unconsciously put her hand closer to Rick, and he didn’t hesitate to hold it and squeeze. She looked at it, surprised, but then she managed a genuine smile. To Rick’s surprise, it was followed by a laugh that actually had amusement behind it. “I’m going to try, though. Just to spite Gabriel.”

Rick raised an eyebrow. “Gabriel?”

“Aha. I happened to overhear him the other day, talking to Dwight. He was telling him about what we did with the Terminus guys, said we’re dangerous and they should kick us out before we turn on them.” When she saw that Rick’s expression had turned into a borderline grimace of anger, she continued. “Dwight just said ‘we know they’re dangerous and that’s why we want them here. Honestly, we’re worse’. I didn’t see his face, but I saw Gabriel just after and he didn’t look too great, so Dwight mustn’t have liked it.”

Rick wasn’t completely sure how he felt about that, and more importantly, he didn’t know if he was going to do something about it. However, Maggie’s smile, actually genuine now, helped him see the whole thing as something humorous. Indeed, trying to imagine Dwight’s face and tone, and Gabriel’s utterly lost face afterwards, made a weak chuckle come out of him. It looked like it wouldn’t lead to anything, after all.

“Honestly, that man really must have God’s protection. There’s no other way someone who thinks like he does has survived this far. I want to think he’s a good person, deep down, but…”

“I think he is, it’s just that he’s too much of a coward right now. Maybe with time we’ll manage to get the good parts out of him.”

Rick hummed, and a silence fell after that. It wasn’t tense nor sad, but actually comfortable. They both watched as Judith, sitting on the floor, played with a little stuffed dog that Negan had personally made sure was provided for her and that she’s refused to part from ever since. They did that for about twenty minutes, and then Rick sighed and stood up. Maggie followed.

They didn’t need to exchange words. They just hugged, and Rick knew that his hold on her was getting the message across, that it’d all be OK, just the same way that her embrace was telling him ‘thank you’. He picked Judith up from the floor and smiled at Maggie before heading to the door. However, just before opening it, he turned around and spoke once more.

“Maggie, earlier you asked me why I came to talk to you about this. You’re family, and that means I’m gonna take care of you in every way I can. I know it looks hard, but I’m doing what’s best for you. For all of you.”

His words still felt like he was defending himself. However, Maggie shook her head and smiled at him.

“I’ve never doubted that, Rick. Everything you’ve always done has been you looking out for us. It’s what you do and I’m grateful for it. We all are, and if you say this is it, then I trust you. I don’t like it, but I’ll always trust you.”

Rick’s smile grew even wider, and he nodded at her gratefully before leaving, sure that she’d be fine.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Something that Rick noticed as the days went by was a change in the way people looked at him, not only his but those from the Sanctuary as well. It was a look of respect mixed with a hint of fear that intensified every time Rick noticed it. The most logical thing was that it was directed to Negan and it sort of extended to Rick, who was always tagged along by the man, and that certainly was a part of it.

It was still there when it was just Rick, though. Rick might have been going through the hallways on his own, or with Carl or Michonne, and most people would still act like he was someone with authority in the place, and then Rick realized he was; he had become one of Negan’s favorites, sort of his pet, one of the Saviors. If he demanded something out of someone, he’d likely get it without complaint.

He didn’t think the others got that treatment, though; Simon, Arat, or Dwight still got respect out of people, but it was a different sort, so he was still left wondering about what it might be. That was, until he accidentally eavesdropped two who had been about to turn a corner at the same time he was going to from the other side. The man had gone slightly pale and the woman avoided his gaze, and muttered an apology before going away. From that moment on, it felt like he heard those things everywhere.

_‘He cuffed a man in the center of the city and left him there to die.’ ‘They were begging for mercy and he shot them without even blinking.’ ‘... killed his best friend because it was the most convenient thing.’ ‘He covered himself in walker guts like it was nothing.’ ‘When he was mourning he dealt with it by going out to kill walkers on his own for hours.’ ‘... ripped a man’s throat out with his own teeth.’_

It was only when he was walking with Carol and someone avoided his eyes in a respectful way, and he caught her satisfied smile out the corner of his eye, that it occurred to him that out of everything being talked about, whoever had started it had chosen not to talk about the time he _‘was the only one with guts to shoot a walker girl he’d used to know’_. The first thing he did that hinted at him that he was turning into a different man.

Another thing that was difficult to ignore was the fact that Negan absolutely loved it. He didn’t directly mention it, mostly because Rick asked him not to and Negan surprisingly decided to respect that, but since the moment those rumors started there was a rejuvenated shine in his eyes when he looked at Rick, a new excited twist of lips into a delighted smirk. It just got brighter when it reached both of their ears when they were together and Rick had to actually warn him not to bring it up. He was obviously amused by Rick’s discomfort at the whole thing, and Rick wouldn’t have been surprised if the reason so much of it reached his ears was that Negan actively encouraged it. Surely not all the Sanctuary could be talking about him and his less-than-flattering deeds all the damn time.

Rick’s wasn’t sure what to make out of it, in the beginning. Many of those were things he wasn’t proud of, or just personal in a painful way. But then, when hearing those things didn’t make him feel uncomfortable anymore, but strangely satisfied instead, he realized that it was good. Not only did it please Negan - and at some point, he’d realized that pleasing Negan wasn’t just a purely pragmatic thing anymore; he was actually satisfied when he made the man grin - but it solidified his presence in the Sanctuary. Ever since he arrived he’d been worried about how he’d be received, being a newcomer and an instant favorite of the boss, but when everyone looked at him in a similar way to how they looked at Negan, he didn’t think that’d be a problem.

And, more importantly, it extended to his group. For example, just the day after he’d talked to Carl, two young men, 21 years old and the closest to his age, had approached him and friendly commented that he looked badass. Carl had been taken aback at having his injury talked about that way, but he’d accepted it much to Rick’s relief. He believed Carl would actually become friends with them, which his son very much needed. Similar things were happening to everyone, as far as he could see.

Which is why he was unpleasantly surprised to see that both Tara and Michonne seemed to be having some sort of trouble.

The problem, whatever it was, seemed to fall on Tara, more than come from her. Rick hadn’t been able to find out the details yet, but that was the impression he got and what seemed most likely. All he knew was that there was something wrong with her and Michonne seemed to know what it was about. He had tried talking to her, but she put her smile on and insisted it was nothing, so he gave her the benefit of the doubt and gave her a chance to work it out herself, whatever it was.

But it looked like that just wasn’t gonna do it. She was skittish and nervous, would worry her lower lip occasionally, and sometimes would pale randomly. Rick was starting to get truly concerned, so one morning, after breakfast, he asked her to talk to him and set her aside. He put his hand on her shoulder.

“Tara, if there’s any problem you can talk to me about it, you know that” he told her, voice gentle and eyes soft. She looked awkward, not able to meet his eyes for too long, and fidgeted a bit.

“I know, Rick, it’s just… This place’s so different from everything I know. Still getting used, I guess.”

“We’ve been here for almost a month” Rick pointed out, eyebrow raised slightly. “And you’ve been doing fine until a couple days ago, right? Something must’ve happened. Any trouble with anyone?”

She caught her lip between her teeth and rolled it absently as she looked away. She shook her head and moved to the left so that Rick’s hand fell from her shoulder, and offered him an almost believable smile. It almost looked like she wasn’t eager to get away from him before he could coax any real answer out of her.

“It’s fine, Rick, pinky promise. Just the job getting a little bit too hard and not having been sleeping too well lately, that’s all. I’ll be alright, really, you got too much to worry about as it is.”  
And with that she was gone, giving Rick her back and slipping away. Rick watched her leave, lips pursed tightly and eyes narrowed. Many good things could be said about Tara, but being a good liar was definitely not among them. He waited for a few beats and then turned around, intending to go find Michonne. If Tara didn’t want whatever this was shared, Michonne wouldn’t be too willing to share it either, on her behalf, but he knew he could get it out of her with enough effort. If it was something to be concerned about, Michonne probably wasn’t comfortable hiding it from him to begin with, and if it wasn’t she would put his mind to ease.

However, just as he was about to leave the room to go find her, a booming voice gleefully called for him.

“Rick, my man! It’s been far too long since you were within my sight, so move your ass over here, will you?”

Rick raised his eyes to find a grinning Negan coming through the door and walking towards him. He felt a small smile tug at his lips and he nodded at the man as he walked towards him. Once within his reach, Negan planted his hand firmly on Rick’s shoulder and shook him vigorously.

Rick raised an eyebrow. “You saw me yesterday afternoon.”

“Exactly. What did I say? Far too long. I miss you. Now come along, I got something to show you.”

Rick snorted good-naturedly as he grinned despite himself to Negan’s excessive dramatism. The man put his arm around his shoulder as he was used to do and directed him out of the room. He waited for a few moments to see if Negan would say something else, but it looked like Negan didn’t consider it a necessity.

“What do you want, then?”

“Oh, I want plenty things, Rick, you know that. All the beautiful women in the world, things to go smooth as a dick into a wet woman, people giving me quality shit, more fuckers to beat into submission, your ass in my bed with me and Frankie, that kinda stuff. By the way, the threesome offer’s gonna be standing ‘til you accept, and she’s starting to really fancy your pretty as fuck face so I’d suggest to give it some fucking serious thought.”

The same bullshit as always, then. Rick rolled his eyes and huffed in exasperation.

“Look, I was gonna go talk to Michonne about something important, so if you’re not gonna really need me for anything can you wait for half an hour?”

He attempted to step away from Negan but the man’s grip on him tightened, his fingers burying into his shoulder and keeping him in place as Negan’s eyes narrowed imperceptibly and the corner of his lips twitched.

“Look, I don’t care if you’re playing chess or getting a surgery or it’s the middle of the night or you’re jacking off, if I tell you to come with me you shut the fuck up and follow even if you still have your dick in your hand, got it? I don’t wait, so your dear Michonne’s the one who’s gonna wait half an hour, are we clear over here?”

Rick nodded immediately and kept his mouth shut. He’d never outright angered Negan before and he didn’t plan to, nor had he seen him punish anyone either. For all he knew, Negan could be all talk and no deed and the respect he imposed on everyone else came from his manipulative nature and skilled mouth alone - which would still be a hell of a deed on itself - but Rick had the feeling that assuming that would be a mistake he’d pay dearly. Unaware of Rick’s thoughts, or actually likely aware of them, Negan looked satisfied that he’d accepted it and relaxed, his touch on Rick easy and friendly again.

“You’ll see, Rick, it’s gonna be quite the shit” he promised, and said nothing more.

He was led out of the main building and into the outdoor area of the factory. Rick’s eyes trailed briefly to the people working with the walkers on the outside of the fence but he was quickly directed to another part on the back of the building. Negan’s smirk, excited like a kid’s on the biggest candy store, grew with every step they took. Finally, Rick was met with Arat casually holding between the wall and her gun. The man was already very pale, but when he saw who was approaching he paled further and looked down.

Negan whistled casually and patted Rick’s back friendly before pushing him forward towards Arat and the man, after which he swinged back and turned Lucille in his grip, tongue between his teeth as he stared a confused Rick down.

“Now Rick, let’s play a bit shall we? I want you to decide what we’re gonna do with this fucker here” he added in response to Rick’s questioning look, swinging his hips and pointing Lucille towards the fucker in question, who visibly flinched. “Do we punish him? Let him go as if nothing happened? It’s in your hands.”

Rick frowned. “What’s he done, Negan? Gonna be quite difficult to decide if you don’t tell me that.”

“Well, of fucking course. You’re many things but a mind goddamn reader ain’t among them, is it? This little bastard,” he explained as he went towards the man, any trace of friendliness or good mood suddenly gone from his face and replaced by a furious, cold glare, “stole from me. Un-fucking-believable, right?” He raised Lucille and made her stroke the man’s cheek, the almost tender gesture creating a clean cut on his skin and making a line of blood fall down his face. The man was shaking and hyperventilating. Negan turned around back to Rick, granting him an unreadable look before leaning on the wall next to the man to see what Rick would do.

It took an instant of Rick subtly licking his lips and breathing deeply before he approached the man. His face was expressionless except for a slight crease in his his brow. It didn’t calm the man, who squirmed nervously when Rick stood a foot away from him under Negan and Arat’s sights. He leaned forward so they were face to face.

“What’s your name?”

“A- Adam.”

“And who are you, Adam? I haven’t seen you around here.”

“I’m not from here, sir. I live in the Hilltop. I work for you from there.”

Rick hummed as his eyes inspected carefully the man’s face. His eyes were wide with fear and thick drops of sweat ran down his temple. He almost felt compelled to have pity for him. Almost.

“Well, then you should know we don’t like thieves around here, Adam. What did you do exactly, anyway? You don’t look enough of a damn idiot to steal from us.”

“I didn’t-!”

“The hell you didn’t” Arat interrupted him with a grunt. Rick turned to face her and she shrugged. “Well, technically he didn’t _steal._ He just hid things from us so we thought they had less than they did and didn’t take as much. He wasn’t the only one but he admitted he came up with the idea.”

Rick turned back to Adam with a raised eyebrow. He attempted a nervous smile that utterly failed.

“Look, I know that’s not cool with you people, but you didn’t even notice there was anything missing, right? It was just a lil’ bit at a time, that’s all. I mean, sometimes we don’t do as well as others and then everything gets very hard, so I thought… Well, I thought that if we had a stash to go to when when we couldn’t meet your demands, it’d just be better for everyone, right? It was all gonna go to you sooner or later anyway, so no real harm done, right friend?”

“I ain’t your friend” Rick replied coldly. Adam flinched.

Rick glared at him and then sighed. He turned around and walked a few steps away as he weighed things in his head. He knew that what Adam had done was plain survival instinct, the same kind of thing that had led Rick to reach the point he was at now, and he honestly thought that hiding supplies for a later occasion would be the least violent thing he would do, if he was the one in that situation. He knew that Hilltop was likely full of people Adam wanted to protect. Rick wasn’t unaware of the fact that the Saviors often were downright brutal to those under their command, and from a neutral point of view he didn’t consider the action something bad.

But the fact remained that he had broken a rule and rules were the basis of everything built by Negan. Plus Rick wasn’t a neutral part in this.

He looked at Negan out the corner of his eyes. The man had his eyes fixed on him and his face didn’t give anything away about how he wanted this handled. Once he saw Rick looking at him for some sort of guidance he just shrugged and made a gesture to tell him to figure it out himself.

He twisted his mouth in his indecision and closed his eyes momentarily to decide. He wasn’t sure about what was the right thing, but what he was sure about was that this wasn’t about any moral matters. Negan was watching him, and what the man cared about was what Rick could do with the power to take decisions. What kind of leader he would be. I’f he’d be as efficient as Negan was.

He faced Adam again and let his stare make him nervous before nodding, decision made, and closing the distance.

“What’s your work in the Hilltop?”

“I’m a farmer, sir. Grow things for you. I-I’m sure I must’ve personally picked up somethin’ you’ve eaten at some point.”

Rick hummed and didn’t let the man’s blatant attempt at making himself sympathetic affect him. He turned to Arat and nodded at her.

“I’d tell you to cut one hand off, but he ain’t gonna be useful anymore if we do that. So how about we just have him beaten? Make him feel it every time he has to _pick things up for us_ for a few weeks, break a few bones. And kick him out of his house for a month, let him sleep on the ground. Summer’s getting close anyway, I don’t think he’ll get sick or anything. You think that’s fair?” he asked, turning to the man.

He saw Adam nod weakly and immediately turned to Arat, not even paying attention to the whimper that followed. He watched Arat nod at him, apparently satisfied by Rick’s call. She looked past his shoulder and Negan must have given her the go ahead because she went to roughly grab the man by his forearm and dragged him away. In his defense, he seemed smart enough to realize that resisting would end up in the beating being worse, because he just followed her, head low in resignation.

Now that they were gone, Rick let some of his control over his expression go and a grimace appeared on his face as he wondered if he’d feel remorse over it. Then he decided that he probably wouldn’t, and just as he relaxed and let a small smirk appear in his lips he felt Negan, who had silently approached him, press against his back with his hands setting on each of Rick’s shoulders, effectively making him tense up again.

“I gotta say, I had started worrying that the little trauma of realizing just how fucked up the head you are deep down, you sick bastard, had made you soften. You were just so goddamn adamant that you’re just ‘a good man in a bad situation’, but you know what? That was good enough. I’d have made sure that little son of a bitch never forgets what’s his place, but beating him and having him sleep out like a fucking dog? You’re not quite there yet, Rick, but damn you’re learning. That’s punishment.” Negan pressed even further, chest flush against back and mouth so close that his whiskers brushed against Rick’s earlobe. “ _Atta_ _boy_.”

Rick didn’t think Negan would ever stop making him shiver, if he kept doing things like that, but while a couple weeks earlier it’d have been simple discomfort at the physical closeness, now the praise sent a pleased tingle down mixed with it. He allowed Negan to decide when to stand away, and the man had the good graces of doing so before the discomfort became too intense. Rick turned to him and saw his pleased and playful smirk, head tilted to the side as he leaned relaxedly on the wall. The silence between them stretched for almost a minute, and then Negan broke it, a hint of seriousness in his otherwise calm voice.

“You’re going to go to Hilltop later today, by the way.”

Rick blinked a couple times, surprised. “How come?”

“I sent Simon there yesterday and we found mister leprechaun and his secret gold pot, so we’re going today too to let them know that anyone’s shit is paid with everyone’s shit. And you,” he made a pointed gesture at Rick, “are gonna be there and let them know that you’re the one who made their loved little Adam so bruised he’s the color of fucking wine. Make sure to tell Gregory to give you a couple bottles, by the way, I swear the bastard never runs out of them.”

“Why do you want me to go?”

“Well, Rick, I’m honestly touched that you don’t wanna get away from me, not that I blame you, I’m one handsome devil. But you’re my fun little soldier in the making, remember? You get how things roll around in here, now I want you to deal with the cattle.”

Rick guessed that made sense, and after all he had always known that the moment of going out with the other Saviors was going to come sooner rather than later. Still, the thought made him look away from Negan’s eyes and bite the inside of his lip nervously. There was silence between them, and then he could feel tension coming off Negan.

“Why so shy all of sudden?” he asked, voice colder than usual. He got off the wall and got into Rick’s space again. His eyes were drawn up to Negan’s immediately, on their own accord. “You don’t look too thrilled by the idea. What is it? It’s all fun and sunshine while you’re here taking advantage of it, but as soon as you have to be the one to go pay them the nasty visit you’re suddenly all moral?”  
“What? No” Rick replied quickly, brow furrowing into a surprised scowl. He shook his head. “Of course not. I’ve been thinking about what you people do ever since I came here and I’m more than OK with it. Hell, I’ve even had to argue with some of mine to convince them to be OK with it too. Sure, it’s harder said than done and maybe I’m not fully ready for it.” He shrugged. “But I don’t think I’ll have any trouble. If they cooperate I won’t have to do anything and it’ll be OK, and if they don’t I won’t feel bad about having to punish them. It’s not hard, it just might be not so easy the first few times.”

Negan regarded him with his scowl unchanged, but then his usual satisfied smirked broke its way into it and he nodded with a snicker.

“You’re the honest-to-god shit, man. You say it like it’s nothing. You did the same when you talked about cutting that fucker’s hand like it’s the most natural shit in the goddamn world, and then you had the nerve to ask him if he thought it was fair. Fucking hell, you’re scary as fuck.”

“That’s why you like me, don’t you?” Rick replied with an amused smile, which prompted Negan to laugh again.

“It most certainly is a motherfucking big part of it, yeah, but I’m starting to realize you’re a goddamn whole package. I think I hit jackpot the moment you got here and damn if you didn’t too. You’d be wasted potential anywhere else.”

Rick’s grin widened and he unconsciously leaned further into Negan’s space. “Good thing for us both I reached you, then.”


	5. The weight on his shoulders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick had feared it would break all he had done in order to be able to call the Sanctuary home. Instead, it did the opposite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like if I hadn't separated this and last chapter, it'd have been 16000+ words. Wow. This fic sure is getting my muse to work.  
> You might have noticed that the number of total chapters has disappeared. It was an approximation to begin with, but these chapters keep growing beyond the expected so... *shrug*  
> Once more, thank you so much to every single hit, kudo and comment. It means the world and more <3

The Hilltop didn’t turn out to be exactly what Rick had expected it to be. Well, he hadn’t expected anything specific at all in terms of appearance, and he knew that there were crops there so in hindsight a great deal of greenery was to be expected, but he was still surprised to see what appeared to be a peaceful, green place protected by wooden walls.

He had gotten used to the Sanctuary, and to the prison before that; to the grey and rather grim looks of them, industrial and dull and crudely real. They were places no one would ideally live in, but they were exactly what they looked like, without pretenses. They had never presented the prison as something ideal and they’d always been honest about the possibility of things being complicated, and the Saviors had at no point attempted to hide who they were or what they did, they came up front not with tricks but with brutal honesty. Rick guessed the Hilltop had no pretenses either, since at best they were what they looked like and at worst they couldn’t hide it since they were under Negan’s control. Still, when he first looked at it he couldn’t help being more reminded of Woodbury or Terminus’ promise of shelter than anything else. It made him uneasy.

After a second of allowing the sensation eat at him, he shook his head and pushed past it. Things were different now to what they had been back then. Even if those people turned out to not be trustworthy, Rick had nothing to worry about. He had the upper hand. Any attempt at anything could be solved with a bullet in someone’s head, and that’d be it.

He hopped out of the truck and into the ground, where others had already started to get moving. He was followed by Adam, whose skin was more purple than any other color and had troubles walking due to his limp. The man whimpered in pain when Rick put his hand on his shoulder and pushed him forward to be collected by a man and a woman wearing looks of utter concern.

He spared him one more glance, feeling a hint of guilt in his gut when he saw that those people, probably his family, had nothing but fear and worry for the state Rick had ordered the man to be beaten into. However, he quickly shrugged it off and turned his attention into more relevant things. The people who had opened and closed the gates for them were approaching, all trepidation and nerves. Rick looked at them curiously, some of their tension rubbing off on him, but Simon put his hand on his shoulder and pointed ahead, making his attention fall on an approaching man. He was on the older side of age but he seemed strong enough, although any effect that might have had was automatically erased by the obviously forced and anxious smile on his lips and the way his hands rubbed together.

“Well, hello there Gregory” Simon drawled beside Rick, hands in his pockets and easy, scornful smile on his face. He sounded like he didn’t have a single care in the world other than doing whatever he wanted, and that easiness passed on to Rick who suddenly wondered why he had been worried in the first place.

The man, Gregory, was in front of them now. Despite the fact Rick and Simon were standing side by side - Rick realized then that everyone else had stayed behind, Daryl included, leaving the both of them to lead the arrival - the man, who Rick guessed was the one calling the shots around the place, acted almost like Rick didn’t exist and focused his attention on Simon, smiling and nodding at him.

“Simon! My, what a nice surprise to see you so soon!” he greeted, all cheerfulness and friendliness. His smile met Simon’s smirk for a few seconds, but when the other man didn’t answer, his nervous eyes flickered to Rick, but before he even had time to analyze what he saw in them, they had gone to Adam and back to Simon. “I… I guess the incident yesterday has something to do with it? Not that we’re complaining! We just… we weren’t ready to properly greet you.”

“That, my friend, is gonna be answered by Rick here” Simon answered relaxedly as he patted Rick’s shoulder. Rick raised a surprised eyebrow at him and Gregory spared him his first glance that lasted for more than a fraction of second. When his confused face turned, yet again, back to Simon, the man just shrugged. “New guy, he’s learning to deal with you people. We’re all quite fond of him, Negan included, so try to be nice to him, hm?”

“Of course, of course! It’s a great pleasure to meet you, sir!”

As soon as Negan’s name was mentioned the little color Gregory had on his face faded away, and then he had his full attention on Rick, offering a hand and a smile that was about to crack. Rick’s lips twisted, not able to decide if they wanted to go for an amused smirk or a sneer. He settled on a neutral expression as he took the offered hand and shook it more firmly than strictly necessary.

“Likewise” he replied dryly. “Hilltop’s a good community, so let’s hope there are no more problems around here, right?”

“Of course, of course! You’ll see, we-”

“About what you said before” Rick cut him, not really feeling like hearing to what promised to be void chatter, “yeah, we’re here for what happened yesterday. You’ve been hiding things from us, so we’re gonna remind you of how things work with us so no one gets any funny ideas. We collect twice this week, and next one everything continues as usual.”

“Twice…?” Gregory mused weakly, smile slipping out of his face. He looked utterly lost and pale, not knowing what to do with himself. “And will, hm, will these two collections be full ones?”

“Yeah.” Rick raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “Since we’re bringing Adam back, we might as well make the bother worth it, right? Or did you expect us to keep him all week? Surely you’re glad we got him here alive, aren’t you?”

“Ce- Certainly! That is very gracious of Negan, you must tell him I’m grateful for it” Gregory replied, remembering to put his pleasant smile back on his face. Despite his words, he spared Adam a brief glance where the man stood a few meters away listening to the exchange, and Rick knew that at least in that moment no, Gregory was definitely not glad to have Adam back. Even if he had tried he didn’t think he would have been able to keep the sneer out of his face. What kind of leader was this man?

“It was my call, so you should be thanking me.” His reply was cutting and Gregory was clearly taken aback, which pleased Rick.  “I’m also to blame for the beating, though, but I guess you understand that?”

“Of course! He had to be punished. What he did was such a shame, which only a few of us were part of mind you. We would punish him ourselves but I see it’s already done.”

“Not quite. He’s not gonna have a roof over his head for a month, so you better make sure he stays out in the open. You never know when we might pass nearby and decide to come check how he’s doing. And by the way, Gregory, maybe you should pay more attention to what your people are doing or Negan might have to put someone more attentive in charge.”

Negan had made no such threat, but Rick still took joy in the way his words affected the man, widening his eyes and nodding frantically as he assured that there was absolutely no reason to worry about it. Simon snickered and added nothing, so Rick guessed he was on board with the little lie. They waited until Gregory calmed down a bit and then Simon clapped his hands loudly, turning around to address his men.

“Well, what are you all waiting for? You heard Rick. Full sweep, no going easy just ‘cause we were here yesterday. And do it fast. Move it!”

He clapped again and then the Saviors were moving all over the place, spreading in all directions under the dismayed looks of the Hilltop citizens. Truth was, they looked so lost and worried that Rick felt guilty for having thought they might be bad people in the first place, but he said nothing to change what was going to happen.

He saw that Daryl stood still and awkward even after almost everyone got going. Leaving Simon to talk to Gregory, he approached him and stood beside him. Daryl eyed Rick for a few moments, but then looked away, crossing his arms. Rick knew better than to take it as a sign of hostility, so he just waited for his friend to speak.

“Why’d you tag me along?” he finally huffed gruffly as his narrowed eyes took in what was going on around him. He looked completely neutral at first glance, but over the years Rick had learned to make out the signs that now told him Daryl was slightly uncomfortable. He sighed and put his hand on Daryl’s shoulder, followed by a friendly squeeze. He understood the unsaid words, _I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here._

“I asked you to come because I trust you and I wanted you to be nearby. You just make yourself useful, alright? It can’t be hard, just pick up useful things as long as they won’t die without them.”

Daryl continued with his stoic look, but he nodded curtly at Rick and without saying anything else he walked away after a group of Saviors, probably intending to carefully observe how they operated before acting on his own. Rick hummed, satisfied, and went back to Simon who was following Gregory to the huge house at the center of the community.

More than house, it was a manor, and Rick soon saw that the inside matched the outside in luxury. Gregory fidgeted as a portion of the men came inside after them and started searching. He shut his eyes as he took a moment to compose himself, moving his lips quietly to himself, but he was interrupted with a startle when Simon suddenly planted his hand on his shoulder. Simon smiled, amused.

“Well, Gregory, today’s strict business so it shouldn’t take long. How about you take us to have a few drinks and a nice little chat while we wait?”

“Of course! I was about to suggest it myself.”

It turned out that what Negan had said about Gregory’s stock of liquor wasn’t a lie; Rick was fairly impressed by what he saw when Gregory searched for some fine alcohol to offer his guests, and remembering what Negan had told him, he took the liberty of reaching out and taking two bottles, the finest whiskey and gin he saw. He ignored Gregory’s resigned face and instead focused on the approving smile Simon showed him.

“So,” Gregory started a couple minutes later, when they were sat at his desk and he was serving three glasses of tequila, “Rick, this is the first time I see you around here. Simon mentioned you’re new, I believe? Joined the Saviors a short time ago, is it?”

“More or less a month” Rick replied plainly, taking a sip from his drink. Gregory’s smile encouraged him to speak further, but he didn’t feel like it so he opted to see the tequila swirl in its glass. Gregory grew uneasy, and after half a minute he cleared his throat, ready to speak again.

“Well, Rick, it’s a huge pleasure. I suppose you took notice, but just to make it formal, I’m Gregory.” The man’s hand stretched over the desk, and Rick glanced at it, narrowing his eyes before reaching out and shaking it again. Languid and uninterested as the gesture was, Gregory seemed immensely satisfied by it. “You are a remarkable man, I can already tell! Leading these men alongside Simon in a month’s time, that’s quite the-”

“Don’t bother.”

“... Excuse me?”

Simon watched with interest as Rick took back his glass and put his attention on it. Another time, another circumstances, what Gregory had to say would have been something to take into account, and that mentality which he would never fully shrug off was what had made him listen for those moments. However, Gregory’s words had immediately reminded him of the situation and that he didn’t have to fake interest, if he didn’t want to. Each second, he wanted less and less. He couldn’t help but laugh a little; it was freeing, to be able to shrug it off so easily and not worry about any consequences.

“I mean the blatant flattery. I have some more authority than the others, but Simon’s still above me and he’s still in charge of this place. I don’t think I’ll be coming here often anyway, so trying to get on my good side like that’s pretty much pointless. And by the way, that might work on him but you’re just annoying to me, next time try showing some actual backbone if you have any.”

He didn’t elaborate any more and he believed he had been concise enough to not need to. He wasn’t looking at Gregory’s face, but his speechlessness helped him imagine his face, pale and with his mouth hanging half-open as he tried to figure out what to say. Beside him, Simon let out a soft chuckle that soon turned into loud laughter that filled the room.

“Damn, Rick! No wonder Negan’s so fond of you, you’re awesome! I think this is the first time in my life I’ve seen Gregory without words, that’s quite the achievement.”

Rick flashed him a brief smile. “You’re welcome.”

Gregory babbled a little, but in the end he decided to settle for complete silence, which Rick was thankful for. All the man did was fill their glasses again when they were empty, and like that they waited for about twenty minutes, Rick and Simon drinking relaxedly and ignoring the tension coming from the other man, until a woman peeked into the room and told them they were good to go. Simon cordially thanked Gregory for the drink and decided to take the bottle back to the Sanctuary in addition to the two Rick had taken. The leader of Hilltop just nodded his agreement to it, still not saying anything.

Maybe he shouldn’t, but Rick felt quite pleased with himself for having shut him up like that. However, his good mood flew out the window as soon as he got out into open space. His eyebrows shot up only to immediately come down together in an expression of worry and anxiety as he took in what he saw.

About fifteen meters from the door, in the middle of Hilltop, Daryl was rolling in the ground along with another of the Saviors as they grunted and threw punches at each other. Around them, a small group of people watched unsure of what to do.

As soon as the shock of the sight wore off Rick was rushing towards the two of them without even making the conscious decision to do so, vaguely aware that Simon was following him. He stopped just outside the reach of the struggling men and paused, hoping that his closeness would make them quit it. It didn’t.

“What the fuck is going on here? Stop it, now!”

Daryl glanced away from the other man to look at Rick, scowling and teeth gritted in anger. The other didn’t do the same and took the moment of distraction to punch Daryl clean in the jaw, making him grunt painfully and fall to the floor. In that moment Rick saw red, rushed into the fight with a growl, and roughly kicked the man off Daryl before he had a chance to hit him again.

The man fell to the opposite side and whimpered in pain as he curled in on himself, clutching his gut. All the energy he had a second earlier was suddenly gone, but Rick still decided to kick him again, pushing him further away and drawing another pitiful whimper before kneeling down beside Daryl. His friend refused his help at first, but when he saw the look on Rick’s face he allowed him to help him back on his feet.

“Are you alright, Daryl?”

Daryl grunted in pain and grasped his side for a brief moment. He shook his head. “Never been better.”

Rick wasn’t even close to convinced, but Daryl was good enough to push him aside once he was fully on his feet, so he decided that it’d be better not to press in public. Both of them turned to Simon, who was making the other man stand by grabbing him roughly by his forearm, easiness gone and replaced with an angry scowl and gritted teeth.

“Jared, can you tell me what happened this time?”

The guy, apparently named Jared, passed his hand over his bloodied lips and sneered in Daryl’s direction. He spat on the ground. “That dirty bastard doesn’t know what his place is.”

Immediately Daryl was ready to surge at him again, cursing under his breath and fists up. He would have thrown himself on Jared if Rick hadn’t stepped in front of him and held him in place. They struggled for a few moments, but eventually Daryl gave up and stepped back, sneering in Jared’s direction. Rick groaned.

“What happened?”

Daryl’s lips remained shut and he stared at Rick when he glared at him, eyes narrowed and irritated. However, he seemed to decide directing his anger at Rick wasn’t the best choice, because soon he looked away and pointed at a man in the crowd. He had brown long hair, beard of the same color, and a look of alarm on his face at the whole thing. He looked at Rick’s eyes for a second and then looked down, apparently frustrated. Rick had the strange impression that he looked like Jesus.

“We were doin’ what you said, pickin’ things up and that. All fine, no problem with anyone, but then that guy over there started being an asshole to him just for the heck of it, insultin’ him and pushin’ him around and all that shit. He was just puttin’ up with it but then I guess he got fed up and asked him what the fucking problem was. Asshole got mad, punched him, and I’d seen enough shit from him.”

The crowd had gone completely silent by then. Rick nodded slowly and turned around to face Jared. He stared him down, lips twisted on the left corner and frowning slightly, and then walked up to him until they were face to face. Jared held his gaze with an angry expression, but it was easy to see that he was intimidated by Rick.

“You got anything to say for yourself?”

“Only that I wish I’d punched harder. Both of them. Should’ve broken their noses.”

Rick huffed angrily and rolled his eyes. The he kicked Jared in the groin, and when the man bent forward in pain, he took advantage of the position and punched him right in the face, making him fall backwards and hit his head. He groaned in pain, but Rick took no mercy when he put his feet and half his weight on his stomach. He shook him up, and when he had gotten a few more groans, and nodded satisfied and left him there. He glanced quickly at Daryl, who was exchanging some sort of knowing smirk with the guy that looked like Jesus before nodding thankfully at Rick.

A worry creeped into his mind then, though. He felt a twist in his stomach and he adopted an almost sheepish expression as he nervously looked at Simon, who hadn’t done anything to stop him as he punished Jared. He cleared his throat and took a minute to scare away the people who had gathered to watch, leaving only the Saviors nearby, and then turned back to Simon.

“Is this alright, Simon?”

“Yeah, I don’t see any problem with it.”

Simon shrugged as if nothing major had happened and smirked easily at Rick, who quickly relaxed again and smiled back. The man looked even somewhat satisfied with Rick’s actions. Jared, however, huffed angrily as he stood up and seethed at them.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Simon? You’re gonna act like they have the right to treat me like an useless idiot?”

“Well, if you don’t want that, stop acting like an useless idiot who’s more trouble than he’s worth” Simon replied, eyebrow almost on his hairline. Rick swore Jared was getting redder with anger than the tomatoes the Hilltop grew for them.

“This is bullshit. They’re strays we picked up from the street, they’re nothing! Why exactly is that jerk giving orders like he’s someone important? I say fuck him and all his people!”

Any trace of amusement or easiness had disappeared again from Simon’s face, leaving only a blankness that Rick had never seen before on him. He didn’t need to see more to know that Simon had run out of patience, and that was bad for Jared. The man seemed to realize it too, because the redness of his face slowly gave away to paleness, and everyone else looking moderately uncomfortable. Simon walked up to Jared until they were mere inches apart. When he spoke he did so loud enough for everyone to hear.

“I’d advise you to keep your mouth in check, Jared. Rick, and everyone that comes with him, has been welcomed by Negan personally, and Negan personally has said that he’s above everyone else here but me. He wouldn’t do that if he didn’t have a good reason to. Tell me, do you think Negan’s an idiot? Don’t you trust his judgement? By all means, speak up if you do.” Jared was quick to shake his head frantically. Simon nodded. “Good, you do have something in your skull after all. Now you better make sure that no one hears your voice until we’re home. And next time Rick punches you, you better fucking thank him for it. He’s smart and capable and Negan’d be very upset if he wasn’t happy with us. You, on the other hand, are one problem away from being kicked into the forest to be eaten alive. Now get out of my sight.”

Jared quickly got away as soon as Simon was done. The other Saviors got into motion too, loading the few things that were still out of the trucks. Rick and Daryl looked at each other, the surprise still lingering more obvious on Daryl’s than on Rick’s. With a nod, Daryl went to help the others, leaving Rick to approach Simon. He still had the calm look but anger in his eyes, but his expression relaxed considerably when Rick cleared his throat.

“I, uh, I wanted to thank you for that.”

“Don’t mention it. No one stands him anyway, and I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. Now let’s get home, shall we?”  
Rick hummed and nodded, feeling gratefulness and contentment settle on his chest. Not even the glare Jared was giving him from afar broke his good mood.

“Yeah, let’s go home. That sounds good.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

They had been back on the Sanctuary for more or less three minutes and Rick was lazily watching the stuff from Hilltop being unloaded when he heard the gates opening once more. He spared a glance in their direction and saw three trucks coming inside. A moment later, Negan hopped out of the first one, wide grin in his face and Lucille, full of drying blood, hanging from his hand as he gleefully sweeped her around.

A couple hours before Rick had left for the Hilltop, Negan had done the same but headed towards the guys that had taken Rick prisoner before he reached the Sanctuary - since the area they lived in had no name and they didn’t have any specific name for themselves either, Negan had nicknamed them ‘the sliced guys’ - with the intention of getting a look at the place and make sure they remembered what their place was. Going by appearances, it looked like there had some unexpected complications and casualties on the sliced side, and Rick found himself smirking and hoping it had been the other leaders, the ones he hadn’t been allowed to kill.

Along the people Negan had taken with him were half of Rick’s. Negan’s arm settled around Sasha’s shoulder, and she didn’t look too amused but not really bothered either. Behind them came a satisfied-looking Carol, and behind her Rosita and Michonne.

“Ho-lee god damn, Rick, you got some fucking vicious ladies!” Negan exclaimed as his greeting. “You weren’t lying when you said they were scary as shit. I think I’m in love. Fuck, I’m gonna have to create a whole new section just for them. Negan’s angels, the sound of it kinda tickles my balls just right, don’t you agree?”

Negan was in front of Rick by the time he was done talking his shit, and Rick limited to snort in exasperated amusement. “I guess all went good enough?”

“Well, there are twelve less of those little shits, but I think everyone else got the goddamn memo, so yeah I’d say it all went good. How about you? Did Gregory bore you to dead?”

“He tried. I got you two bottles though, so I’d say the trip was worth it.” Negan’s eyes shone at the prospect of more quality alcohol and Rick tilted his head, pleased. He saw that Carol was pleased with the exchange, too, and Sasha, although she had gotten away from under Negan’s arms, remained nearby and looked more relaxed after whatever she had done out there than she had been in a whole month. Rosita had a neutral expression. But Michonne, Rick realized, looked anything but pleased, and after making brief visual contact with Rick started walking away. Negan saw her leave when he followed Rick’s line of sight, and although his good mood was then substituted by some irritation, he nodded to give Rick the go ahead to go talk to her.

Rick nodded back gratefully and turned on his heels, going after Michonne. She walked fast, but he caught up with her after a few strides. He had the feeling that asking her to stop wouldn’t do much so he settled for walking beside her in what he hoped was a casual manner. A twitch on her lips indicated that a smile for him was about to break through her scowl, but it remained unfulfilled. Rick didn’t take it personally.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“So, how was it?”

“Rick, he _laughs_ when he’s killing people. He was having more fun than any other time I’ve seen.”

Rick winced a little because, alright, maybe the heat behind her words was a bit earned on that one. Just a bit.

“He was killing the right people, though, so surely we can give it a pass?”

“There are no right people to kill, Rick” Michonne retorted as she narrowed her eyes at Rick. “Only people that are more convenient dead and people we want to kill. You know as much as I do that I’m comfortable with that, sometimes more than I should. I killed people myself today. But what he does is different. He chose his victim with a freaking eeny meeny miny moe!”

And alright, maybe the thought of Negan going around singing that out loud to choose who would die was a disturbing one. Rick had no trouble imagining the mirthful tone of his voice as he did so, and his mind supplied the idea that he’d go around, pointing at each of the potential victims with Lucille, so much slower than he needed to make it be. It was a quite scary thought, and the brief wonder of what it’d feel like to be on the dying end of that situation made his hair stand on end. He quickly shook the image out of his head.

“Well,” he tried, “that confirms he’s not all talk, after all. Not that I doubted it, but it’s something I guess.”

They were midway through the stairs to the first floor by then. Michonne stopped in the landing, turning around to Rick, crossing her arms and leaning on the wall. Rick stayed a couple steps under her, watching as most of the upset left her face leaving behind consideration.

“Rick, is this going anywhere? You already knew I don’t like him and you know I’m not gonna tell you we have to leave this place, so what is it? Speak your mind.”

Rick nodded, thankful for Michonne’s perceptiveness and straightforwardness. He licked his lips, knowing that one way or the other this was going to be a sensitive subject, and then locked his eyes on Michonne.

“I wanted to ask you about Tara.”

His words finished getting the irritation and anger off Michonne’s face, leaving behind a look of worry and frustration. Rick could only see it for a second, because Michonne quickly masked it under a blank face. She nodded stoically.

“I don’t want to talk about this here. Let’s go to my room.”  
Even if Rick had wanted to reply anything to that, Michonne was moving before he had a chance to. He quickly followed behind her. Once in her room, which was empty when they entered, he watched as she leaned against the closed door, her eyes stuck on his. Rick knew that whatever had happened was serious, and Michonne didn’t take long to confirm it.

“Someone tried to rape her” she stated without any sort of preamble. Just as she’d intended, it hit Rick fast and hard. His eyes opened wide, and under the brief numbness of the shock, Michonne’s words immediately awakened a combination of icy cold horrification and burning rage.

“What?”

“It was David” Michonne continued, voice firm and controlled, but anger vibrated underneath it. “Tara was supposed to be alone in her room, I went to see her and I found him cornering her against the wall, just _caressing_ her and telling her not to make a fuss. I could’ve killed him, Rick, I swear I would’ve, but he ran away before it could get serious. He didn’t even get the clothes off Tara, but she’s scared.”

Rick’s teeth were gritting so much that his jaw ached, but he wasn’t even aware of it. He didn’t want to lash out at Michonne, so he forced himself to breathe deeply until his knuckles weren’t white and only his eyes gave away the anger he felt. He stepped in front of Michonne, who stood between him and the door, and stared her down.

“Let me pass, Michonne” he asked gently. She filled her chest.

“What for?”

“I’m going to kill him.”

“You think I don’t want to?”

“Then why didn’t you?”

Rick’s voice had grown scathing, just an ounce of control away from becoming a scream. However, Michonne was unfazed and actually far closer to anger than Rick was.

“Because Tara begged me not to do anything” she spat back. That took Rick aback, long enough for both of them to calm down a bit. Michonne sighed and continued, somewhat softer. “She’s worried what it might cause, Rick. You’ve been making it clear that integrating with them is fundamental, but something like this? If it comes out in the open, there’s going to be quite a turmoil. I tried to convince her, but she thinks it’s worth it to stay quiet.”

“Well, that’s just stupid. Having done that? I don’t think anyone’d be angry at us for killing him.” Rick was certain of his words, but Michonne’s eyes grew harder and she twisted her lips.

“Do you really think so? I agree that we should kill him, but Tara’s right when she says that it’d be a conflict. Negan calls all the decisions here, right? And David’s one of his Saviors, one he has personal contact with. They disregard anyone who’s not above them and they have no respect of any kind for anyone outside of the Saviors. They abuse them constantly, so why would Negan do anything against David for Tara?”

“He would because I’ll tell him to” Rick replied, although his voice didn’t sound as convinced as he wished it was. By the look on her face, Michonne had noticed it.

“Are you willing to risk it, Rick? Are you completely certain?”

There was a short silence. Rick felt a pressure steadily settling on his chest. He wanted to trust Negan, but a part of him suspected that what Michonne said was right. There were few limits Negan put to his Saviors, and while this topic had never come up and there was the chance it was one of those limits, there was a chance it wasn’t, too. He knew himself and knew he’d react badly if Negan refused to pay it the attention it deserved, and the situation could potentially go unstable from there. He knew Jared wasn’t too well-liked, but nonetheless his words from before resounded in his mind. They were still newcomers. Between them and the Saviors, there was no much doubt who Negan would choose.

He couldn’t afford to be kicked out. He needed the Sanctuary. His people needed to stay there.

He sagged, a hint of dismay in his eyes as he raised his hand to press against his lips. He gave a few steps back and forth, eyes on the floor.

“I’m not sure what we should do, Michonne.”

“It’s complicated, Rick. So far I’ve been staying with her all the time. I told her to stay in public while I was gone, but I think I should go back to her now. Maybe nothing will happen again, but who knows.” Michonne gave him a small smile and out her hand on his arm comfortingly. “I won’t let anything happen to her, or anyone. Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You always have.”

Rick returned her smile, although weakly. “Yeah, I guess I will.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

When a couple hours later he was talking with Negan, the man talking to him in enthusiastic detail about how he had driven Lucille into Asshole Number 2’s skull, Rick considered bringing up the subject up. As soon as he did it, his already dwindled mood grew even weaker and he felt his stomach twitch. Of course, Negan noticed.

He was mostly annoyed when he first asked why Rick wasn’t putting his full attention on his awesome tale, but when Rick replied that it was nothing, his eyes narrowed and settled on his, calm and far too perceptive, as if Rick was a complicated text he just needed to put a bit of effort into to understand. It made him anxious. Negan asked again, voice serene and devoid of the previous annoyance. When Rick said he was just tired from Hilltop, mind going through all the ways the conversation could go wrong, Negan gave a hint of a smile Rick couldn’t read and all he said was ‘ _is that so?’_

Rick got away from him as soon as he could without being too obvious. The next day, he avoided him, making himself busy with anything he could find so Negan wouldn’t demand his presence. He didn’t intend to leave the Tara matter unanswered, of course he didn’t, and when he saw David that morning he was lucky to have Michonne beside him, because without her stopping him he would’ve probably jumped in to kill him. But the bastard had been animatedly talking to Negan, and the sight made Rick think again that it was likely no sort of punishment would fall on David as far as Negan had a say in it. He didn’t know what he would feel towards the whole situation if Negan denied Tara that justice, and a violent reaction would have bad consequences for his people.

He needed some more time to dwell on it. So of course Negan decided that he wouldn’t give it to him.

When he headed to his room for the night, he found Negan in one of the hallways, leaning against the wall, one leg bent and eyes closed in relaxation. With his leather jacket on, all he was lacking was a cigarette to be the perfect greaser. Rick paused, feeling his stomach twitch again, and Negan, hearing him, opened his eyes and smiled lazily at him. Without looking away, he opened the door beside him and gestured for Rick to get inside. It was the same one where they had first met.

Rick hesitated for less than a second and silently walked inside, immediately followed by the other. The door closed with a click, leaving them with only the flickering light above them to see.

“You’ve been avoiding me, Rick” Negan started calmly, walking leisurely around him until he was in his front, easy smile with a hint of sharpness and hips swinging forwards. “I’m fucking hurt. You’re my bestie now, remember? You better have a good reason for it.”

Rick knew better than to try to deny it; Negan had clearly seen right through him, like he always did. It wasn’t usual for Rick to be unable to hold Negan’s gaze, but this was one of those rare times. He swallowed thickly and looked down, focusing on Negan’s feet as they went forward and stopped right in front of him. He felt Negan’s eyes boring into his head as a physical presence weighing down on him.

“You’re worried about something” Negan stated, and surprisingly his voice was a tad softer than before. “Tell me.”

“I… I’ve been a bit worried about my people having problems integrating here.”  
“Why? As far as I’ve seen, everything’s smooth as a well-lubed asshole.”

Rick ignored Negan’s usual crude language and swallowed down, still unable to look up. He wet his lips nervously. “Well, there are people who think we should just shut up and obey. Daryl’s been having trouble with Jared more than once.”  
In his defense, that was true. After coming back from the Hilltop, he had seen Daryl talking to the other man quite a few times in just one day, always visibly agitated and hostile. It hadn’t been major enough for him to intervene, but it still was a conflict.

He was surprised when Negan’s gloved hand raised to his face and took hold of his chin. The touch would have looked intimate seen from outside, and it probably was in some level Rick wasn’t acknowledging just yet, but what he felt the most was the unnecessary strength of the fingers on his skin as they raised his face. It was a mere gesture of dominance, and that was confirmed when he met Negan’s cold eyes, clear even behind the man’s lopsided smirk.

“Jared’s a piece of shit and you have no trouble dealing with him. Simon told me what happened yesterday and today I was so eager to congratulate you on fucking stating where you and him stand. Which I couldn’t because you’ve been avoiding me like I had the fucking black death. No, Rick, Jared’s not what’s worrying you.” His fingers dug into Rick’s skin and shook him lightly. His voice dropped a few tones. “I don’t like being lied to. Are you lying to me?”

Again, Rick knew better than to deny the obvious. He nodded, somehow managing to keep himself composed. “Yeah, I am.”

“See that, Rick? That’s the right decision right fucking there. Now tell me what I want to know.” There was a beat of silence and Negan’s eyes narrowed. “It’s not a goddamn request, shithead. I always try the nice way first ‘cause you’re my new fucking bestie and you haven’t failed so far. Don’t disappoint me now. Not nice way is, as it clearly as fuck says, pretty not nice.”

Rick had been so caught up in Negan that he hadn’t realized he had small drops of sweat running down his temple and that his heart was beating hard against his chest. Although unable to look away, he did close his eyes and took a deep breath. He guessed he should be somewhat grateful that the decision had been taken away from him. He didn’t have to consider possibilities now. He only had to say it and hope for the best.

“David tried to rape Tara.”

As if Rick had punched him instead of spoken, Negan’s fingers snapped away from his face and he stepped back, putting space between himself and Rick. When he opened his eyes, he expected to see plain surprise, or in the worst of cases a disdainful snort. However, he was surprised to see a look of utter rage that had instantly settled on Negan’s face.

“What the fuck was that shit you just said right now?” he snarled. Rick’s eyes opened wide; he had never seen such a reaction in the man in all the days he had spent with him.

“It was about a week ago. I didn’t see it, but Michonne did. He didn’t go far, but… he tried. Michonne kicked him away, but I know he’s been looking at her. She thinks he’d try again.”

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me as soon as you knew?”

Negan was up on his face again, grasping him by his shoulders and talking so loud that someone on the other side of the door would have no problems hearing him. However, for some reason, Rick didn’t feel intimidated at all by him, or in any sort of danger. It was still pretty shocking, though, so he had to push Negan and his wide angry eyes away before he could speak.

“David’s one of your men, isn’t he? And you let your men get away with many shits. We thought that maybe-”

“You thought that I wouldn’t give a shit?” Negan interrupted, and this time, yes, some of his rage was directed at Rick, who resisted the urge to flinch. He watched carefully as Negan shut his eyes and muttered something under his breath. When he opened them again, the anger was hidden under a calm face. “OK, that’s fair. Fuck. I do let these bastards get away with many shits. But things like rape are a goddamned big no fuck no. Rick, something like this happens, you kick your ass to me and fucking tell me, alright?”

Rick hadn’t known that so many swears from Negan could make him relieved, but here he was. He felt a great deal of tension leave his shoulders as a wide smile settled on his face. He nodded, and his grin grew with borderline amusement when something that could only be described as similar to a sheepish smile settled on Negan’s lips. He put his hand on Rick’s shoulder and squeezed.

“I swear over my fucking ugly and dead heart, Rick, this is gonna be answered for.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t you fucking do that. This isn’t something you gotta thank me for.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Rick’s relief was nothing compared to the complete peace and liberation he saw on Tara’s face when the next morning he set her aside and told her what Negan had said. She was a bit upset that Rick had said it without asking her first, but that didn’t stop her from throwing her arms around his neck and saying ‘thank you’ into his ear before placing a kiss on his cheek. Rick’s smile was positively glowing, but hers was radiant.

Breakfast tasted sweet after that. Rick had the option of having breakfast on his own room, as did his kids, but he very much preferred to take the chance to gather with his family. The tension had affected the good mood the day before, but now, even those who hadn’t heard about what was going  on - that is, most of them - must have felt that things were back on track, because everything was as good as it could be again. That was why Rick was surprised when that good mood broke on Tara’s face; he was talking to her when all the color drained from her face and her eyes fixed on some point behind him, and he suddenly noticed that most of the room had gone silent. Feeling his heart skip a beat, he turned around.

Negan was approaching, satisfied smile on his face. With one hand, he pushed Jared, who had been beaten and didn’t look any better than Adam had, barely able to walk and his face twisting in pain with every step, towards their table. With the other one, he held David’s severed head.

The silence was complete in the room by the time Negan was next to them. He offered a charming smile, and despite surely being aware that almost all the attention was focused on the head, the first thing he did was slam Jared’s head into the table, accidentally or not making it so that a fork dug into his cheek, drawing a pained moan. Negan chuckled.

“What do you say now, bastard?”

“I… I’m sorry for everything. You… You… You’re not under me. None of you.”

That seemed to be all Negan was looking for, because he grabbed Jared’s hair roughly and pulled at it to throw him into the floor. Next, he held David’s head high for all in the room to see.

“You all know what happens to rapists and rapist wannabes. Hope I never have to make that clear again.”

And with that, he let the head fall right on Tara’s plate, making her cross the line from white to sickly green, and turned around. All that could be heard was his steps until he left the room, and then it was silent as if no one was there.

Rick swallowed thickly as he inspected the unexpected present. From up close, he could see that the neck had been cut with something more blunt than sharp, messy and bloody, and something told him that it had been that and not the hole in David’s forehead that had killed him. Horrible as it was, he didn’t find in himself the ability to be bothered by it. What did bother him, though, was that he didn’t understand _why_ Negan had done it.

Punishment was one thing, but this? This was a whole different level. David was one of Negan’s men, one of the important ones, and Negan had gone and given his head to Rick like a cat offering a dead mouse to its owner because he had assaulted one of Rick’s people. Negan had been furious, for sure, but he was more rational than he was emotional, and even this seemed a tad too much for him. Rick had wanted this outcome, but he hadn’t dared to hope for it because the way he saw it, there was no way it would happen.

A thought crossed Rick’s mind and he started breathing heavier. Negan was clearly trying to make sure that Rick knew he had his back, at the expense of his own men. Why? Didn’t he already have him playing along, pleased with how things worked? Did he want something more from him, something he wasn’t saying? The reason Rick had been comfortable working for him to begin with was that he was convinced Negan wasn’t hiding anything, but now, even though he wished to believe this was simply a subject Negan took that seriously, a part of him couldn’t help but wonder.

Even as he thought that he was just being paranoid and there was no reason for panic, he stood up. The first sound in the room after Negan left was Rick going after him, and it went silent again once he had left. He spotted him soon enough, and even though he called out for him more than once, Negan didn’t acknowledge him with anything beyond a passing glance over his shoulder. He kept walking, and Rick guessed he was supposed to follow.

They walked their way up to the top of the Sanctuary, Negan silent, Rick wondering how he had so easily trusted a man that could make him shiver with just a few words. However, there was no hint of fear in his face when they reached Negan’s room and he obeyed the man’s indication to enter.

They remained silent for almost a minute, Rick staring as Negan crashed on the couch, Negan returning his gaze with a raised eyebrow, waiting for him to speak up.

“Why?”

“Why what? Why am I so handsome? Why am I so cool? Why do I wear only my badass biker jacket? There’s a shitton questions there, Ricky boy, you’re gonna have to specify.”

“Why did you do it?”

“What, you mean his head? Ah, that. Yeah, I guess I could have gathered everyone and make them watch as I used Lucille on his rapey ass, but that’s kinda getting old by now. Walking in, head in hand, and dropping it on a cereal bowl? Now that’s new.” Negan shrugged. “Boils down to spectacle, I guess. I’m dramatic like that, fucking sue me.”

Rick gritted his teeth and ignored Negan’s answer.

“Why did you kill one of your people for the sake of one of mine?”

That broke away Negan’s calm expression and a frown occupied its place, leaning more towards frustrated than angry or annoyed. He stood up and moved up to Rick until their chests were almost brushing and Rick had to look up to meet his eyes.

“Sooner or later you’re gonna have to drop that shit, Rick. I’d say this is a goddamn brilliant moment for it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“That. ‘You people’, ‘my people’” he mocked, hands raised and wiggling his head. Then, his hands fell on Rick’s shoulders grounding him right there. His eyes shone with that intensity only he had. “Before that, though; oh boy, rape’s something that will get someone killed no matter who they do it to, Tara included, so fuck yeah David’s saying goodbye to life for that. Now that that’s clear, I want you to listen to me so open up your ears. I told you, you are mine, all of you, and that doesn’t just mean you belong to me. You don’t have to earn your place here, and no one has any right to act as if you’re outsiders. No difference with anyone else in any regard. Someone hurts them and they’re hurting me. They’re not your people, Rick, they’re mine. They’re _ours_. So the next time you say ‘my people’, so help me ‘cause I might beat the shit out of you.”

By this point, Negan’s hands had climbed up from Rick’s shoulders and were framing his jawline, naked thumbs caressing his cheeks and the rest keeping him in place, keeping him focused on Negan. Rick didn’t know why, but the warmth Negan’s skin gave him was so pleasant, and he had to fight to not close his eyes and sag into it.

“What you’re asking me here… I don’t know if I can do that. If I want to do that.”

“Look, I’m not asking you to stop seeing them as your family, or giving more shits about them than about the rest of us. Fuck, it’d be damned strange if you did, and I’m not gonna blame you if you choose Maggie over Dwight if one day you only can save one of them. What I’m asking you is that you stop thinking I’m not gonna give a shit about what happens to them. Let me be the one to worry about them, not you.”

At this point, the distance between them disappeared and their foreheads touched. Negan’s gentle hands kept stroking him, soothing him, and Rick stopped fighting and closed his eyes, letting his shoulders fall and getting lost on the sensations of Negan’s skin against his and their breathings mixing, lips mere inches away. He could feel Negan’s eyes looking intently into his face, but for once, he found it comforting. He chuckled.

“Because I’m weak?”

“What? Fuck, no. Rick, you’re the furthest thing from weak I’ve seen in my life. You’re as strong as me, and let me tell you, that’s a goddamn first. You know what you gotta do and you have the balls to go and do it. You’ve survived this long and you’ve kept all that people out there alive just as long, you’ve gone through bastards and loss and all the shit the world is now, you’ve made it through and you’ve taken two children on the way. I fucking admire you, and that’s not something I’m used to. You can do it, but damn, it’s damaging you. Just look at you five minutes ago, freaking out because you couldn’t believe someone gave enough of a shit. I’m not saying I’m stronger than you, and I’m not saying you can’t keep on. I’m just saying you don’t have to.”

“I don’t know if I can do that anymore” Rick admitted, chuckling softly, a scared noise with its bitterness held down by the sheer desire to keep listening to Negan and lean even more into him. “I used to be a deputy. I used to just follow orders, but now I’m not sure I can stop being anxious about everything.”

One of Rick’s hand moved upwards and settled gently over one of Negan’s. He felt Negan slip an inch closer to his nape, and for a second he swore that Negan’s lips were closer to his own, but as soon as it was there it was gone.

“You sure can, Rick, you just gotta let me help you. Let me carry the weight on your shoulders. Let me take care of you.”

The hesitance lasted less than a second. Rick was tempted to part from Negan and look into his eyes to answer, but the desire to stay as he was was stronger. He nodded an inch.

“Alright. I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope I didn't make Negan too sappy there >_> He can get pretty intense even when he's being intimate in a non-sexual way, so I don't think so, but... Who knows. Maybe I overdid it.  
> By the way, I wanted to have it as the last word of this chapter, but there was no way to work it into the end without feeling like I was breaking the scene, so I'll say it here. The next chapter will be called Alexandria *dun dun duuuunnn*


	6. Alexandria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only Rick was aware of the irony of the situation.

_“What’s the place called, then? Alexandria, you said?”_

_“Yeah, that’s what I hear. Alexandria Safe Zone. Ha! Funny, don’t you think? Safe. We’re gonna have to show them just how not safe they are. Not even close.”_

 

Rick’s eyes were shut and he breathed in the fresh air of his surroundings. He was leaning against a tree, just a handful meters from the highway, crown of his head touching the bark, arms hanging at his sides. All he did was enjoy the rare, quiet peace around him, the only sounds disturbing it the occasional bird and the wind.

In the span of the hour he had been waiting there, he had been approached by only two walkers, which now lied near him on the ground, their skulls cut open by the axe hanging from Rick’s hand. Maybe it was the quietness of the area, or Rick’s confidence on what he had planned, the certainty of it, but he was completely relaxed. In other times he’d act stoic but feel a certain level of anxiety about what was ahead; now, not even the fact than the wait was getting almost twice as long as they’d expected made him uneasy. The moment anything he should know happened, he’d know.

Just as he reassured himself with that thought, he recieved a message. He picked the radio in his pocket, turned it on, and Carol’s most professional voice, static and with minor interferences, sounded through it.

_“They’re on their way there, Rick.”_

“Got it.”

Rick put the device away and ran a hand through his hair, trying to make himself look as shaggy as possible. Coincidentally, in that very moment he heard another walker approaching and took his time to put it on the ground, making a point of being as messy as possible and get some blood in his clothes, and then he headed to the highway, standing in the middle of it.

He stared at the end of the road for a second, head high and brow furrowed in thought, and then turned around. He let his mind slip back to those days before he found Negan, with no shelter over his head for weeks. He let the exhaustion take over his body and weigh him down, licked his lips as if they had been dry for days. His shoulders fell down, worn out, and the only point of strength in his body was his right hand, where he still held his bloodied axe. He let all those sensations engulf him, and started walking down the road.

Not even less than ten minutes later, he heard an engine approaching from behind.

Rick suppressed a satisfied smirk as he turned around. He saw a worn out a car coming down towards him, its speed decreasing until it stopped about ten meters from him. Rick exchanged looks with the two surprised men occupying the front seats with suspicion in his eyes, but it wasn’t until they simultaneously walked out the vehicle that he changed his axe to his left hand and picked his Colt Python and pointed it at the man who had been driving, the one with short curly hair. Both of them raised their hands and exchanged concerned looks.

When Rick didn’t pull the trigger, the one he was pointing at gave a step forward and immediately Rick readied the gun to shot if necessary. The man went still again, trying to offer Rick a nervous smile.

“Why don’t you put that down son we can talk?”

“I’m not putting it down until I know what you want.”  
“Talk. That’s what we want. We just want to talk.” The man must have seen something in Rick’s face, because his smile became a tad easier and he lowered his hands a couple inches. “Who are you?”

Rick eyed him carefully and then passed to the other man, who hadn’t moved yet and was looking at the scene unfolding before him with worry clear in his face. He gritted his teeth and gave a few steps forward, gun still aiming at the man’s head.

“I’m not saying anything to you” he snarled, eyes hard and angry. “Not until I know who you are and whether I can trust you. What are you doing out here?”

“My name’s Aaron” the man hurried to say, taking two steps back as he paled considerably. He nodded towards the other. “That’s Eric there. Look, we’re not looking for trouble, alright? We just saw you on the road and decided to check on you, that’s all. Do you need help?”

If Rick genuinely was in the situation he was pretending to be in, he’d be more likely to put a bullet in each of them and take their car with everything in it. However, he was not, and he thought he had put up enough mistrust for his immediate reaction, so reluctantly he let his gun down, watching through narrowed eyes how both Aaron and Eric sighed in relief. However, he kept it in his hand ready to use the first moment he needed it.

“Help?” Rick mused lowly, letting his eyes flick from one man to another and back. He licked his lips and nodded slowly. “I guess that depends on whether you can offer it.”

“We can” Eric apported, stepping forward although visibly hesitant to do so. “Aaron and I are out here doing exactly that. You see, we’re from a community, a fenced and stocked up place just an hour back. The Alexandria Safe Zone. We sometimes come out to see if we can find people to take in. We have something good, so why not share it if we can?”

Rick blinked at him, as if he had said something he didn’t quite understand, and slowly crossed his arms, glaring at Eric so hard that the smaller man squirmed a little and avoided his gaze. Aaron, however, kept looking at him expectant of his reaction.

Rick wet his lips slowly. “That sounds… Good. If it’s true. It’s so good I’m not sure I believe it, actually. People don’t just help each other like that anymore.”

Aaron offered a small sheepish smile at that. “Would it help you if I said we get something out of it, too? The place needs people as much as people need the place. Making the community grow is good for us all, and you look like you know how to handle yourself.”

Again, under different circumstances that would have been met with dry irony and a bullet. As it was, Rick nodded slowly and gestured for them to go on. His gun was still on his hand, but his grip on it had relaxed, something which in turn helped Aaron and Eric relax too.

“Are you interested, then?”

“I… I might be. I’m alone now, with no roof, and my other option is to keep hoping no walker finds me while I sleep. This Alexandria sounds quite tempting in comparison.”

“You don’t look like you’ve been on your own for too long” Eric pointed out, tilting his head to the side curiously. It didn’t sound like an accusation; still, Rick scowled a little as if he had been attacked.

He passed his hand through his beard absently. After shaving it at the Sanctuary, he had never let it grow past thin stubble, some sort of symbolic reminder that he belonged to Negan’s community instead of the wilderness, and so now it was trimmed and mostly clean. His hair, although ruffled, was still on the short side, and similar observations could be made about his clothes, which were dirty but not worn.

“Yeah, well, I had a group until three days ago” he replied in his driest tone. “Everything was working as well as it could, then we had a problem with another group and I was the only one to walk out of it alive. Sorry if I don’t fit your definition of outsider. Maybe I’ll look wild enough after another week of killing walkers and no razors to shave, if you’ll be more agreeable to taking me in then.”

Eric flinched and looked ready to say something rushedly, an apology most likely, but Aaron beat him to taking the word.

“That’s a shame” he mused, brows coming together in an expression of mild dismay. “With how nearby we are… If only we’d found you a week earlier, we’d have been able to avoid it.”

Eric’s expression mirrored Aaron’s, and to his surprise, Rick found that it felt like they actually meant it instead of saying it out of politeness or the practicality of having a larger group join them. He felt an unexpected friendliness towards the two of them, and after passing his hand over his mouth he nodded at the car.

“Nevermind that, not anymore. Are you willing to take me in, then?”

“Of course, as long as you wouldn’t rather keep going as you were.” Aaron motioned languidly to the road with a slight smile, and Rick snorted as he shook his head.

“I think I’ll give your safe zone a try before going back to that.”

He finally put his gun back on its holster and closed the distance between them and the other two. He was surprised when Aaron offered another friendly smile and his hand to shake. He looked at it for a moment too long, but just when the hand was dropping along with its owner’s expression Rick took it and shook firmly, returning the smile to Aaron’s face.

“I hope this works out for us. And now that you don’t want to shoot us, can we hear your name?”

“I’m Negan.”

Rick couldn’t help the hint of sardonic amusement in his voice, but since neither of the two men seemed to notice anything off he guessed he had made it subtle enough. He wasn’t sure what had compelled him to say that, and in less than a day’s time they would know that his name was actually Rick, but he guessed it was fitting, and not even a real lie. As far as they were concerned, he was nothing but an envoy of Negan.

 

_“And why me?”_

_“Well, first, after five months of tagging along with Simon to Hilltop I’d think you’d be bored out of your fucking skull, so I’m gonna put some excitement into your life. Second, are you my one of my top damn men or are you not? You’re too useful to waste on Gregory anymore, it’s fucking overdue that you’re big bad boss somewhere, isn’t it?_

 

A somewhat friendly tone had fallen between them, but as soon as Rick got in the backseat and the car started moving, any attempt by Eric and Aaron to start a conversation was answered by monosyllables or curt, short answers. They seemed taken aback, but after a few tries they decided to give Rick the silence he was indirectly asking for.

He looked out the window, hand over his mouth as he watched the scenery pass by. Now that quiet had settled down, the slight amiability he had briefly felt for those men was gone, replaced by the cold calculation that had occupied his mind before he was found by the car.

A safe zone? Finding people just because they all could benefit from it? That was simply not how the world worked anymore. There were plenty of reasons for people to look for other people in their current world, Rick had met many of them, and none of them were good. He had a nagging feeling in the back of his mind, and now that he had a moment to examine it he remembered that bringing people in because they wanted to share what they had was what the Terminus people had claimed to do. What they had claimed they used to do before they became cannibals.

He felt bile rise in his throat and he wondered how easy it’d be to take control of the car before it crashed if he put two bullets into Aaron and Eric’s skulls.

He pushed it down and took a deep breath. They had been watching them for weeks, and if they had seen any sign of anything of the sort going on inside the walls of Alexandria he wouldn’t be heading into it on his own. Deeper down, he had a gut feeling those two men weren’t lying either, and his gut had hardly failed him lately. On top of it, he let his hand go to the pocket of his jacket where the radio was, feeling it firmly to reassure himself.

Everyone was following him within its range distance. If anything went wrong, all he had to do was contact with Carol and forty armed soldiers would be tearing their way in to help him within five minutes.

Luckily for him, Aaron only broke the silence to inform him they were almost there, once they were on the surroundings of Alexandria; Rick hummed and looked up ahead, asking some questions as if he didn’t already know the area. Less than ten minutes later, the gate of Alexandria appeared before them.

Rick’s eyes darted to the nameplate reading _Alexandria Safe Zone_. He was barely able to contain his snort.

He had had a vague idea of what to expect once the gates opened, but still his eyes widened when he was able to look inside, so surprised that it took some hesitance to take the first step and follow Aaron and Eric inside. Too good to be true, was the first thought that entered his mind; for a fraction second, he thought he was back in his old suburban neighborhood, full of alive suburban people without a care in the world. At first glance, it looked as if the end of the world had never touched this place, and Rick had grown so distant to these memories that it honestly shook him.

Of course, that disappeared as soon as he noticed the way he was being looked at. The few people around looked at him curiously, and the uneasiness of having their attention on him shook the impression off. He filled his chest, returned the gaze of an elderly woman with a glare of his own, and when she was unable to maintain the contact for more than a few seconds he sneered and caught up with Aaron.

Eric had gone ahead to fetch someone while Aaron told Rick about it and about the place in general. Truth be told, Rick was tuning it out; soon enough it wouldn’t have any relevance anymore. He hummed and nodded on the right moments, but most of his attention was focused on the people. So far he counted thirteen walking through the streets, but he knew there had to be more. It didn’t really matter; regardless the number, they still wouldn’t be enough to outmatch them.

He saw Eric coming back in the distance, accompanied by a couple that looked like they had seen their fair share of years. The woman seemed to be the one leading, and Rick put his mind back to interaction when she stepped in front of him. Aaron smiled at him and nudged him towards her.

“You must be Negan” she greeted, wearing a pleased smile that formed crinkles around her eyes. Rick narrowed his, and pursed his lips when she offered a hand. “I am Deanna and this is my husband. We’re in charge of this place.”

Far too friendly, especially for a stranger, Rick thought. He didn’t hesitate to shake her hand, though, and composed a grateful smile to give her back.

“Eric must’ve told you who I am, I guess.”

“He has. First of all, we’d like to say that we’re sorry for what you’ve lost before finding us.”

Rick gave her a wry smile. “Believe me, so am I.”

There was some more empty chatter that Rick didn’t care about at all, and then something interesting did happen. He was led to Deanna’s house - he was let in with just as much surprising ease as he had been in Alexandria, he noticed with skepticism - and then he was sitting in front of her, having her eyes fixed on him, pleased smile ever-present on her lips. Rick didn’t like it, but it didn’t hold enough weight to make him uneasy either, so he just returned it, blank and unblinking. He still didn’t know what to make of these people, but at least they didn’t look too murderous.

Deanna took a sip of tea after setting a camera to record. She crossed her hands over her knees and smiled at him.

“What do you think of Alexandria, Negan?”

“It looks good, doesn’t it?”

Deanna’s smile grew by a few inches. It still made Rick uneasy, for some reason. “It does, and it is. But I feel there’s something else you want to say.”

Rick gauged her carefully for a few moments and wet his lips. He briefly looked from her to the camera pointing at him, to his hands, and back to her. No point in being subtle.

“I’ve only been here for twenty minutes and I can tell your security is shit. You’re weak.”

That somewhat cracked Deanna’s smile, although she took a expression of curiosity rather than looking insulted, like Rick had expected. She crossed her arms and tilted her head an inch.

“What makes you say that?”

“For starters, I didn’t see any proper vigilance at the gate when we came in. Walkers could get too close to the door. And well,” he gestured vaguely to himself, “you just let me walk in as if it was nothing. No one looked put off by that. You’re having tea in front of me in your living room.”

He actually expected her to understand, so he felt disappointed when her frow burrowed slightly in confusion. She took another sip.

“My son Spencer sometimes shoots at them, if they gather on the doors, so I don’t see a problem with that. I don’t see why letting you in is a problem, either. Didn’t Aaron and Eric tell you why we brought you here? We need people who know what they are doing. You can help us, and we provide you with a place to live.”

Rick raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. He leaned back on the couch and crossed one leg over the other.

“Or I might decide to harm your people. You can’t know, not without having properly examined me first.”

“Are you going to?” Deanna inquired, and although she was mostly calm, Rick could hear a hint of hesitation in her voice. He didn’t try to conceal his satisfied smile.

“No, if I don’t have to.”

 

_“What the shit do you mean, no killing anyone? You gotta be fucking kidding me.”_

_“I told you, Negan. I don’t wanna be a killer, not if I don’t have to. It’s too easy to keep going if you start. So yeah, I will try to do this with as little violence as possible. You know I will kill if I see I have to, but until then, we’ll do this my way.”_

 

The conversation went on for a few more minutes, but Rick felt it was as empty as everything else. He could tell what Deanna was trying, and he thought she did have a good mind, but she, just like the rest of Alexandria, was just… naive. Inexperienced. Weak. The more he asked her, the more he found out just how helpless Alexandria was in face of attackers. They didn’t realize there were problems beyond the walkers, they didn’t realize that control of people was a necessity, they didn’t realize walls and fences could be brought down.

They didn’t realize that bringing in a stranger could be fatal for them, either.

Honestly, Rick was disappointed.

Deanna, on the other hand, seemed to be carefully interested in hearing him out and seemed pleased enough with what she saw in him. Rick didn’t care; once the recording was over, he shook her hand curtly again and then he was done. He put up the best he could with introductions and formalities, and then he was closing the door of the house he was freely given.

The first thing he did, before looking around, before anything, was getting his radio and turning it on.

“Carol?” he spoke into the device, voice soft, just in case the nagging feeling he had that he was somehow being listened to wasn’t just sheer paranoia. Not even looking through the peephole and seeing the porch empty cleared the sensation away.

_“Rick. How are things in there?”_

“It’s good. These people aren’t dangerous, or are scarily good at hiding it. I’m alone right now and I’m free to move around. I’ve already got a general idea of the place, but I want to examine it more before we move into anything. How long will it take for you to get everything ready on your end?”

_“We’ve been ready since you went in, Rick. When you think it’s time, just say so.”_

Rick smirked. Carol had been born for this. “Good. It’ll be a couple hours at most, stay sharp.”

He cut the communication and was left in the deafening silence of the house. Slowly, he turned around and walked in, eyes carefully stopping on everything. There was a soft carpet under his boots, working lights, and current water. Although none of that was something he didn’t have at the Sanctuary, in this place it felt less like a refuge and more like a place meant to live in. The house was big and it took Rick half an hour to explore it in its entirety.

The place was magnificent, he thought. Negan would love it.

He was snacking on some of the food there was on the fridge when he heard a knock on the door. Putting all his alarms back on for a fraction of second, he scowled at the door, let his fingers trace the outline of his gun, and went to open in. What he was met with was the smiling face of a friendly-looking young woman who held a box on her hands.

“Hi” she greeted in a amiable tone. Rick simply stared at her, blinking a few times, before a barely noticeable scowl settled on his brow. He replied in a much more neutral voice.

“Hi.”

“I’m Jessie, one of your new neighbors” she explained as she offered a hand that Rick reluctantly took. “I wanted to welcome you, I know settling in can be hard sometimes. And, huh, these are clothes we can spare. I thought you could use them, you must want to wash what you’re wearing right now.”

“Very thoughtful of you.”

Rick took the box and managed a smile that was only half forced at the woman, and then closed the door on her face. He could imagine she had been left quite speechless and felt a little bad about it. She had bothered to welcome him, after all, but any good impression he might make would be broken in a matter of hours, so he didn’t see the point. He dropped the box on the floor, finished his snack, and once he saw there was no one on the porch anymore he went out.

Alexandria was decent-sized, but not huge. As he walked around he saw that it was simply an ordinary neighborhood that had had the luck of being fortified before the apocalypse touched it. Its size would make it easy to take control of, and the same could be said about the population; he didn’t think they were more than fifty at most. At one point he saw the woman from before, Jessie, although he completely ignored her and walked past her. He did take note of the boy with her, though, a boy that probably was her son and, most importantly, looked Carl’s age. He kept mostly to himself and made no effort to be friendly to the people who approached him and looked like a huge dog was barking menacingly at them when he cut the pleasantries off, but that little contact confirmed his suspicions. These people were weak and wouldn’t know what to do in the face of a threat. With that last weight off his mind, he just made a quick sweep to inspect which were the major landmarks, and then he decided there was no point in stalling anymore.

It was nearing lunchtime and, just as he’d supposed, the streets started to get emptier as people went to their homes to eat as if the world outside didn’t demand constant attention in exchange of allowing people to keep living. He sneered to thin air as he approached the gate, near where a man made his own version of standing watch by sitting on a chair and dozing off.

“Hey” he greeted, making his tone more amiable than it had been with everyone else, making the man smile and wave lazily at him. Rick stopped at his side and put his hands on his hips, looking up at the fence. “You on watch?”

“Hell yes, I am. At lunch time, too!” the man grumbled. “What’s even the point? Nothing ever happens, I could be having lunch at home and it’d be the same.”

Rick hid his derisive expression behind a helpful smile. “I can take the shift, if you want. I wanna make a good first impression, so I guess I could start by making myself useful.”  
The man was a bit surprised, but he didn’t even question Rick’s offer: He grinned broadly at him, shook his hand energetically, and then he was going away. Rick watched him go until he disappeared, leaning back on the fence and wearing a blank face. He was glad he hadn’t had to use his gun to get him out of the way.

He almost felt guilty. Almost. He reminded himself what the other option was; holding someone at gunpoint and demand to be let in, which would either end up in said someone with a bullet on their head and the Saviors having to demolish the fence, which was bad for everyone involved, or maybe Rick would lose his grip of his own instincts and have the hostage killed even if they were let in. This was definitely the best way.

Besides, these people had something good and wouldn’t muster enough brainpower to protect it. They deserved whatever happened to them.

He opened the gate wide and messaged Carol. In less than two minutes, he saw the first of their cars approaching. He grinned and stepped aside to let them in.

 

_“Alright, alright, calm down tiger! I’ll let you do it your way. I’ve put you in charge of this after all, and who knows, maybe your peace and love shitfest will still prove to be interesting. All that matters is that you get the job done.”_

_“You doubt it? You know I’m a good soldier. Don’t worry, I’m getting us inside and I’ll get Alexandria at your feet, one way or the other.”_

 

“The armory’s that way” Rick indicated to the soldiers, pointing with his gun. “I haven’t seen it myself but it looks like they’re well stocked. I doubt they have much idea what to do with them, but it still would be better to get hold of them before they realize what’s happening. Sasha, you lead.”

Sasha nodded at him and made a sign for five others to follow her. Rick nodded satisfied as he watched her move away and turned his attention back to the others. He briefly caught Carol’s expression, smiling proudly at him, and he smiled back at her before addressing the rest.

“You know what to do. Just spread out, make clear this place is ours now. You can mess with them a little if you want, but no one gets harmed unless I say so. Move!”

He barked his order and no one hesitated; The Saviors immediately started to move into the community, and people started to notice something was going on. Soon he heard some distant screaming, but it didn’t worry him; he knew no one would dare disobey him. He smirked, satisfied with himself; Alexandria was as good as his and no blood shed.

He was walking back into the community, an equally satisfied Carol at one side, a serious Michonne at the other, and Daryl behind. It had been five minutes since he let the Saviors in when he spotted Deanna going through the streets, accompanied by her family and eyes wide as she saw all the strangers carrying guns walking through Alexandria. The smile on Rick’s face when she approached him and he waved friendly at her was soft and innocent.

“Negan! What’s this?”

“Rick, don’t tell me you’ve come in here calling yourself _Negan_.”

Rick could hear the mix of amusement and skepticism on Michonne’s voice and all he could do was offer her a sheepish smile and a shrug.

“I guess some of his dramatism has rubbed off on me” he offered as his only defense. Michonne huffed and rolled her eyes. Rick could feel her judgment on him and he blushed as he cleared his throat and faced Deanna again, who was just getting more and more nervous by the second.

“Look, why don’t we calm down? The facts are that I just brought forty armed and trained soldiers into Alexandria and even you can’t be delusional enough to believe you have any chance to fight us off. Do we agree on that?”

Deanna’s stare on him was hard, harder than he had expected her to be able to. She had crossed her arms and her lips were pursed tightly together. Rick could practically see the gears working on her mind as she took in the situation as much as she could in the short time she had.

“What do you want?” she finally inquired, voice carefully controlled to show her anger but sound peaceful enough to not piss him off.

“I’m taking over Alexandria. For good” he added before she could ask. The news hit her like a punch and she lost most of her color.

“This doesn’t have to be like this. You know we’re willing to let people in. If you had just come at us directly it’d all have been easier-”

“We’re not moving in” Rick clarified, shaking his head. “We already got a home. No, what we want from you ain’t your homes, it’s what you have. We’ll start with taking half your stuff, and then every week we’ll come and you better have something ready to give us. Sounds harsh, I know. It _is_ harsh. But you know what? That’s how things work now, and disliking it ain’t gonna change it.”

He watched impassively as Deanna grew more and more tense. Her lower lip was even trembling a little. Around them, the people of Alexandria had started to settle, hectic like scared cattle, but held still by the number of Saviors around them. He caught Eric and Aaron in the crowd and he sent them a brief apologetic look, feeling honest guilt for a second. He liked them.

Deanna shook her head a few times, as if trying to clear her mind. “I can’t agree to what you’re saying, Rick.”

“And that’s where you’re wrong.” Rick’s voice was a grunt and he stepped forward until he was face to face with her. “It’s not a matter of whether you agree or not. This is not a negotiation and it will never be. You have no choice, because the moment someone does something we don’t like, someone dies. I want that to sink in your head, because I really don’t want to kill anyone.”

“We should have never let you in” Deanna spat after a few moments of shocked silence, her teeth gritted together and her voice vibrant with anger. Rick snorted and tilted his head.

“What, you wanna kick me out?” he mocked, and some snickers could be heard from his soldiers around them. Angry sparks flared in Deanna’s eyes, but she seemed to pull back from answering. They were weak, Rick had told her earlier, and now she was painfully aware that he was right. They didn’t have a single chance against the Saviors.

Rick gave a few steps back and eyed to his left and right. He continued speaking to Deanna, but he was addressing the whole of Alexandria now. Most of the citizens were there, setting their fearful eyes on him. _Good_ , he thought, _let them fear_.

“Your way of doing things is done! You people, you don’t know what it is to survive. You sit here and live on as if there wasn’t a single worry in the world, but there is. For god’s sake, I came in here and none of you thought that it might be something bad! Outside of these fences the world is shit, and you don’t get to deny that anymore. From now on there’ll be no more strolling around day after day as if nothing had changed. You provide for us, and you do whatever’s necessary to make it so. Are we clear? Either you obey, or you die.”

There was a long, thick silence after his words. It felt as if the heat with which Rick spoke had taken everyone else’s voices away, the only sound in the place that of the wind. Most of the people hadn’t been able to maintain their eyes on him, but Rick could feel their focus, coming at him in waves of anger and fear. His eyes, however, were once more fixed on Deanna, who was still pale but took his glare without hesitance. The silence between them seemed to stretch forever as Rick waited for any sort of reaction from her.

“I saw your guys taking our weapons.”

Rick hadn’t expected one of Deanna’s sons to be the one to break through the quiet. He scowled a little as he directed his eyes at him. He dug in his memory of a few hours earlier and vaguely remembered being introduced to him. Spencer, he believed. He crossed his arms and turned to him.

“Yeah, we’re taking them. Any problem with that?”

“I’d say yes. How are we supposed to survive here without firearms?”

“You’ll manage. We’re taking them.”

The young man scowled angrily as he stepped forward. Rick didn’t think he was stupid enough to pull any attempt of violence against him, but truth was that he had no desire to keep making things complicated. When the man was within arm’s length, he quickly drew his gun and aimed it at Spencer’s head. Immediately the angry redness left his face, replaced by a deadly white as he raised his hands in surrender, and a silent gasp shook the people of Alexandria. Deanna and her husband made a motion to step towards them, but a glare from Rick was enough to pin them to the ground.

“I want you to listen to me now” Rick grunted, any hint of patience gone from his otherwise icy calm voice. “If we come next week and you don’t open that gate, us getting in again will be the least of your worries. When I said I didn’t want to kill I meant it, but I’ve killed before, Deanna, and I’m willing to do it as many times as it takes. It’s easy, you know? Easy as blinking your eyes, easy as pulling a trigger.” He cocked his gun, pushing Spencer’s head a few inches with it. The younger man closed his eyes and started muttering some prayer under his breath as his parents and brother went white as chalk. “If you’re more trouble than you’re worth, we’ll just kill you all and use this as a secondary base. It’s a nice place, we might even move in for good. But we don’t want to reach that, do we? Do I have to start making the point clear right here, right now?”

“We understand” Deanna’s husband begged, making a desperate motion towards his son. “You don’t have to do this, we understand.”  
“You understand, but what about your wife? Does she?”

“I do! You’re stronger than us, we see that! We’ll cooperate, but put your gun away from my son!”

Deanna’s words were desperate and her eyes had become void of anything other than panic. She was visibly shaking and Rick had no doubt that the threat of losing her son had scared her so much that she would do anything to appease him. And yet, he found it hard to put his gun away from Spencer’s head.

And then was when he heard his laugh.

It started as a weak chuckle, a quiet, throaty sound that grew in intensity by the second. Surprised, Rick snapped his head around and his eyes widened when he saw Negan only a few meters behind him, his cheeks red with mirth, his eyes shining with pure delight and sheer lust.

“Do it, Rick. Go ahead and put a bullet in that whiny bitch’s brains.”

Rick gaped, still taken aback by the unexpected presence, and alternated between looking at Negan and the man he held at gunpoint who was at shaking point now. He felt a rush of need to just pull the trigger and do what Negan asked of him, even though he hadn’t planned to do it. He tightened his finger against the metal, and it was just a few inches away. His mouth was dry. A few tense seconds passed, and then the gun dropped. Spencer’s relieved gasp sounded loud like thunder in his ears.

“You, em, you can keep five guns for protection, but that’s it” he muttered weakly.

It felt ridiculous now, that the situation had come up from that. He somewhat registered Spencer rushing to his family, but he was too busy thinking of Negan to pay it any mind. Even with Rick not following through with his request, Negan didn’t seem any less pleased than before, and his grin only grew when Rick approached. The lust in his eyes did the same.

Rick rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “I didn’t expect you to be here.”

“Oh, no way in hell I was missing this” Negan answered, half-speaking, half-laughing. “That right there? That was pure natural badassery, Rick. The way you talked there, as if you honestly didn’t give a shit if all these people died? You scare the hell out of me, you fucker. It’s amazing.”

Rick didn’t have time to reply, because Negan wrapped his arm around his shoulder, and with a grin and a rough squeeze made him march back to Deanna. As soon as they saw them approaching Spencer stepped back and his parents closed ranks in front of him. Negan laughed heartily at that.

“Hey there, fair lady” he greeted once he was face to face with her. He shook Rick again, still in his arm. “You’re Deanna, I hear. I’m Negan, and this motherfucker who threatened to kill that other motherfucker who happens to be your son is my goddamn bestie Rick. I’m his boss, so all the fear you feel for him, that must be a shitton lot because you all pussies look like you’re about to shit your pants? I’m ten times worse, so you better fucking fear me. Nice to meet you.”

Negan offered his hand and a cruel smirk. Deanna looked at the offering, and with the most mechanical of movements shook it. She touched Negan for a second, and then she and her family turned around to leave the scene. Negan preened silently at Rick, shaking his hand in victorious gesture, and the other man rolled his eyes good-naturedly.

It looked like Deanna’s exit was a cue for all the other residents to start leaving, too, but Carol yelled for them to stop moving. Rick rid himself of Negan’s embrace and raised his eyebrow at her.

“What’s the matter, Carol?”

“You haven’t said anything about collecting things. We’re already here, so we should just start now.”

“No.” Rick shook his head. “It’s all happened too fast, we’ll let them go over it first before we start hard with them. You hear me?” He raised his voice to address the crowd. “We’re not taking things from you today, but we won’t wait for next week either. We’ll be here in four days, and then we start our weekly routine. You know what happens if you resist. And you, wait there for a moment.”

He was talking to Jessie, who stood beside the man Rick guessed was her husband. She went pale but nodded, staying in place as Rick walked up to her.

“I saw you with a boy before. Is he your son?”

“Y- Yes. My older son.”

“Oh? You have a younger one?”

She nodded affirmatively and Rick grinned widely.

“Great. Before we leave, I want some of their stuff for my children. Toys for my girl, comics or one of those things teens like for my boy. I know it’s unfair that I only ask things of you, but…” He shrugged. “Priorities.”

Negan’s booming laugh resounded in the place, filling the silence that seemed to have taken over the lives of Alexandria.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“What do you think, then? Did you have fun?”

Everything was said and done. They had left Alexandria barely half an hour after Deanna gave in to Rick. On a whim, Negan had taken his knife and scratched the ‘safe’ out of the nameplate of the place, laughing to Rick afterwards, and then they were on their way home. It had been less than an hour.

Rick had given Judith three new plush toys and an illustrated storybook that he had promised to read to her some other time, and Carl’s sulk for not being allowed to tag along with everyone else had disappeared almost entirely when Rick presented him with a stack of Spiderman comics. He had had time to take a shower and get into clean clothes, and as soon as it was done Negan was dragging Rick to his room to have a few drinks to celebrate the day. Not that Negan ever needed an excuse to drag Rick along for drinks.

So there he was, sipping down a cup of scotch with Negan sitting beside him as he pondered on the question the man asked him. He downed what was left of his glass and left it on the table.

“It was… Exciting, actually. Different to how I imagined it going, but yeah, I’d say it was fun.”

Negan hummed pleased. “I must admit, it fucking was. You made it interesting even without murder. Congratulating the shit out of you for that. It’s the ice-ass-cold threats, man. Fucking made me shiver.”

Rick chuckled and leaned back on the couch, relaxing as he watched Negan finish his own drink.

“And the people, what did you think of the people? Anything worth talking about? You seemed pretty irritated with them.”

The question made Rick tilt his head as he gave it some thought. What did he think of the Alexandrians? Deanna seemed to be moderately competent, and Aaron and Eric looked like they had an idea of what they were doing when they got out of the community. Everyone else, though, was disappointing. His mind, just like it had done numerous times during the day, supplied the word _weak_. Truth be told, Rick’s arrival had been a blessing for them. It was basically a wake-up call to reality; if something else had arrived, they’d be dead. Even now Rick feared that their inability to adapt to the world might be a bigger threat than anything else. Those people weren’t like theirs. They weren’t used to fighting.

He wet his lip and sat straighter again, locking eyes with Negan.

“I think that the only way they can survive is if we force them to.”

There was a change in Negan’s expression after his words. His grin took a hint that Rick wasn’t sure how to describe, and his eyes filled with something new, looking at Rick as if it was the first time he ever saw him. He didn’t know what it was, but something in the air changed, and Rick’s eyes were unable to move away from Negan as the man left his glass on the table. He turned to look at Rick, eyes heated, and shifted closer so that their tights touched.

“Rick, I want to fuck you.”

That wasn’t what Rick had expected. He blinked a few times, unsure of what he had heard and how it fit in the conversation. “Excuse me?”

“It’s really fucking simple, Rick, but since you’ve been unable to understand my extremely clear signs for half a goddamn year, I’m gonna try one more time with more simple terminology. I want to stick my dick up your ass, release my semen inside of you, and make you empty your balls from it. Do you need any graphic explanation to understand the concept?”

Of course, Rick had understood what Negan had been implying he wanted all those months, but it had felt kind of unreal. Now that he was told so plainly, he didn’t know how to respond to it, and he was left opening and closing his mouth a few times, unsure of what to do.

A chuckling Negan waited for a few moments and then leaned closer to Rick, who was both unable and unwilling to pull back. Their foreheads touched, a gentle gesture that reminded him of that other time, and now he had no doubt that Negan had been about to kiss him back then. Negan’s ungloved hand came up to his face, its warm and rough skin settling on his thinly stubbled cheek and caressing lovingly. Negan waited one more moment, giving Rick the chance to say no, and then the distance between them disappeared.

Negan’s lips felt rough, but they were gentle as they moved softly against his own. Rick found himself sighing and closing his eyes as he enjoyed the soft touch, the way a man that was able of so much violence treated him with gentleness and care. Slowly, he started moving his lips too, and when Negan’s opened, he stuck his lower lip out to allow the man to catch it gently between his teeth and run his tongue along. Negan’s hand on his cheek had turned into his arm around his neck, gently but firmly keeping him in place, and Rick’s hands somehow ended up resting on Negan’s shoulders.

When the kiss ended they didn’t immediately part, but rested their foreheads together as their suddenly heavy breathings touched each other’s faces. Negan’s other hand went up to Rick’s face too, framing it carefully.

“I want you to be mine” he muttered, the softest of sounds that somehow sounded louder and clearer in Rick’s ears than any scream the man might have done.

He was already Negan’s and he had said so himself many times, and yet Rick had no doubt about what exactly the other man meant right now. He breathed in deep and slow, and then he moved away. Negan’s arm seemed reluctant to the idea, but the man let him go anyway.

When Rick’s eyes opened they went from closed to wide circles, a contrast to Negan’s, narrowed and pleased and matching his easy, winning grin. He bit his lips nervously, unable to find anything to say, and neither his hands or eyes seemed to find a good place to settle. Negan brought an end to his sudden anxiety with the simple gesture of raising a finger and pressing it against Rick’s lips, making the man go suddenly still and calm.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Rick,” he started, still soft and gentle, “but I think that what’s happening here is that you look at my face and think, ‘fuck, I’d tap that’, but at the same time you think ‘shit, I don’t know how to handle this’. Am I right?” Rick nodded slowly and Negan tilted his head, pleased. “Good. Look, I’m not gonna go anywhere and my boner for you isn’t either. When this happens, I want it to be with the most certainty from you, so how about you give yourself a few days to think about this and then come back to me with whatever you’ve decided?”

“That… That sounds good, yes.”

Negan seemed pleased with the outcome, because he offered Rick a smile that had only a hint of its usual wolfishness, and then he patted Rick’s shoulder. As if on cue, Rick stood up, muttered ‘good night’, and then he left Negan’s room behind.

He was in a sort of haze as he made his way to his room and greeted his children, not really aware of what he was doing. He knew he had to have made something in between, but the next thing he was properly aware of was that he was lying in his bed, lights out and room silent except for Carls’ soft snores. In his mind, all that was important was Negan’s lips over his.

Negan was an attractive man, that much was certain. He was, as he would describe himself, a ‘goddamn hottie’, and that did nothing but go along with his extremely and strangely captivating behavior. Rick had noticed numerous times, of course he had, and he had sometimes let his mind wander over that direction.

Now that he knew firsthand how those lips felt, though, his mind provided far too realistic sensations of how they would feel leaving kisses both soft and bruising on his neck, or how his hands would feel closing around Rick’s hips.

He felt himself grow hard in his pants and felt the urge to take care of it stronger than ever before, and for the first time in six months he wished he had taken up on Negan’s offer to have a room of his own. He made a mental note to talk about it to someone in the morning, but for now all he could do was turn around and try - and fail - to push away the thought of Negan’s naked body lying against his.


	7. Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick decides to give Negan what they both want.  
> (AKA, smut incoming)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took far longer than expected. Really damn sorry, I swear :( I've been kinda blocked, plus I was a bit unsure about how to pace things for the next couple chapters after this one.  
> But hey, smut. That's gotta make up for it, right?

For the next couple days, most of what Rick did was roll Negan's proposal over in his head. To his credit, Negan did keep his word and gave him time to do so, for once allowing Rick to have his own space to breathe in instead of popping up at random moments and fixing on him like a leech for the rest of the day.

That was a first. Rick guessed he could consider it a sign that Negan was serious about wanting Rick fully on board with the idea. The thought made him smile.

At some level, Rick already knew he was going to end up falling into Negan's arms, much like Negan himself had seemed so sure of. It wasn't like he was opposed to the idea, either, quite the opposite. He had been attracted to Negan in many different ways for a long time, and now that he was actively thinking about it, that flash of desire kept growing. The prospect of sating it was a far too tempting one to ignore.

However, another part of him was hesitant and uncomfortable with the thought of giving in so easily. Rick thought it was because Negan'd be the first person he'd have that sort of contact with since he lost Lori, and another part of it was his own reserved nature that stopped him from taking things in such a carefree manner as Negan did. He found that about himself irritating in moments like this, if he had to be honest. But yet another part of it was that the intensity that Negan had, the same thing that drew Rick to him, also scared him of getting too close and ending up burned.

All of that aside, Rick was fully aware that it wasn't a matter of _if_ , but _when_ , like Negan had confidently implied, and Rick was actually comfortable with it. In fact, every time he caught a glimpse of the man through the Sanctuary and Negan winked cheekily at him before continuing with his 'giving Rick time to be OK with fucking me' business, Rick felt himself go brightly red as lewd thoughts invaded his mind and he was left unable to continue with whatever conversation he was having, and he knew that the moment wasn't too far away.

The moment he walked into the shower and the thoughts not only remained there after almost an hour from having seen the man, but intensified when the water touched his skin, he knew Negan was about to get what he wanted.

Rick caught his lower lip between his teeth and ran his tongue over it nervously as the water hit his skin. He sighed deeply as he closed eyes and finally let the thoughts go free. His mind got filled with images and sensations: Negan over him, Negan under him, whispering into his ear, panting into his neck, kissing his shoulders, letting his hands explore Rick’s body...

He let out a soft whine and his hand went to his chest before he could even think about it, pressing the palm against his skin and running through the muscle before catching his nipple between his fingers, rolling it slowly. Rick came to a halt after that, and a moment later he turned the water a tad colder, just enough to clear his head.

He’d felt attraction towards men before, he remembered as he spread soap through his body. Not too intense, but it was there. Only once had he kissed a boy, back when he was a teen, and although Rick didn’t remember in great detail how it had felt, he knew it had been nice. A week later, though, he met Lori, and while she had been very OK with that side of him, Rick hadn’t wanted to kiss anyone else after falling for her, no other women and no other men. That is, until Negan decided to change that.

Rick was already clean, but he let the water keep running down his body as he stared ahead of him. Slowly, he poured some more soap in his hand and looked at it, his tongue poking out to lick his lips as he spread it through his fingers with careful movements. It was cold and slippery. It would be good for cleaning and loosening himself.

Rick bit down hard on his lip when his index finger started rubbing against his asshole, his body bending forwards with his left arm supporting him against the wall, and his already awakening dick jerked to almost full hardness. He let his finger rub gently, taking his time, and a few minutes later he pressed in, just the tip.

They had always been on the vanilla side, but Rick remembered Lori doing this for him a few times, so many years ago. The memory of what it was like was faded and the intrusion still made him gasp, but he had an idea about what to do. He gave himself some more minutes, wriggled his fingertip a bit inside himself, and then he got it out. He ignored his hard and leaking dick, instead grabbing the shower head and angled it so the stream hit his hole, spread by his other hand, in the hopes that the water would make the next intrusion easier.

He repeated the operation until the first finger was only a few inches from going in completely. Rick hesitated for a few seconds and then, pressing his tongue between his teeth and lip, he started pulling out just to carefully slip back in. He hadn’t found his prostate, but the mere friction itself was arousing enough to have him whining in the back of his throat and his hard-on borderline painful. However, he stopped himself from touching it and just kept pumping in and out, always careful, until the movements were smooth and he had no problems getting the digit out to the tip and slide back fully in without resistance.

Soft pants and moans escaped his lips and he was starting to sweat all over, but he was barely aware of it, his thoughts focused on his second finger, which he had also covered in soap, as it started pressing against the first one. The process was slightly faster this time, even if the larger stretch made him moderately uncomfortable, and in five minutes he was comfortable enough with the two of them intruding in him. At some point he had slid down to his knees, not trusting his legs to keep him stable in the slippery floor and through his weak focus on balance, and now that he didn’t have to worry about it Rick’s forehead was touching the wall, eyes closed and breathing heavy as the warm water that kept falling down made his curls stick to his skin.

Not touching himself was starting to drive him crazy, but he pulled through it and limited to move his fingers in tandem. He started with simple movements, but soon he got daring, smirking with some strange self-satisfaction when his muscles didn’t put too much opposition to his fingers moving in bolder ways, twisting and scissoring inside him. And then, without even meaning to, he found the spot that had him going tense and stiff for a second before every muscle in his body turned into goo, lax and happy.

Rick couldn’t help a moan far louder than convenient, although he wasn’t thinking enough to realize it, and his cock twitched violently in response to the rush of pleasure. Rick had maintained himself strong up until now, but in that moment his hand flew to his groin on its own accord and he took himself in hand, gasping yet again when his own calloused and warm skin closed around his head. It was sticky and slippery with precome, so it was easy to move up and down as he tried desperately to find the spot again.

He had only gotten to stroke twice when there was a knock on the door.

“Dad! You’ve been there forever, I want to take a shower too!”

Rick froze the moment Carl’s voice barged into the bathroom, and he cursed softly to himself as he rushed to his feet and turned the water considerably colder. The sudden drop in temperature had his breath short and his voice trembling, but at least it did a quick job of clearing his head.

“I- I’ll be ou- out in a c- couple minutes!”

To say Rick was frustrated was a hell of an understatement, but he didn’t have time and the cold water was already killing his boner down. Besides, what he had wanted was just to prepare himself. He still cursed to himself before taking the shower head again and washing any remaining traces of soap off inside him, stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel afterwards.

He _really_ needed a room of his own, he decided.

After little more than an hour of sitting there, laying down on his bed and listening to music while Carl went through his comics and showed Judith some of the panels, Rick decided he was good to go. His mind was cool, so was his groin, the stretch was gonna last for a while, and Negan was surely back in his room by that time. He kissed both of his children’s heads and told Carl he’d be gone until late.

He felt his heartbeat getting violent inside his chest as he made his way to Negan’s room, but he also felt a small, excited smile settle on his lips. He was nervous, but he was happy about it. The nervousness meant that he wanted Negan, really wanted him. That was something he hadn’t experienced in a while, and he was about to get him. He was borderline giddy.

He stopped once he had reached Negan’s door and gave himself a moment to calm down. He cleared his throat, nibbled briefly on his lower lip, and with a deep breath knocked on the door. There was no response. Rick frowned slightly and after a handful of seconds he knocked again, and again got no response. Rick’s frown deepened as he wondered if Negan was somewhere else, but he did get an answer on his final try.

“For fuck’s sake, fuck the fucking fuck off! Don’t you see I’m busy?”

“Negan, it’s me. Rick.”

“Oh. Shit. Em, come in.”

Rick snorted and smiled good-naturedly at the brief exchange and opened the door, trying not to be too hasty. As soon as he walked in, his eyes went to Negan, who was sitting on his bed, naked torso lying against the headboard and still clothed legs spread over the mattress. His left hand was around Sherry, who was wearing only her bra and panties, and caressing her ass; his right one was still holding Amber’s nape after having kissed her. Both women looked varyingly awkward with Rick on the room. Negan, for his part, seemed a bit startled by Rick’s presence, but that was secondary to the utter joy in his face.

Rick nodded politely at Negan’s wives, but he was unable to tear his eyes away from where they had settled the second he walked in, Negan’s chest. For all that Negan was lean more than hulky, he still had strong and defined muscles, and many parts of his skin were covered by old, slightly faded tattoos that Rick so desperately wanted to pass his tongue through and know everything about. Rick wasn’t even aware of it, but he had started salivating and he was flushing slightly, and all it made was widen Negan’s grin considerably. The man chuckled, managing to tear Rick’s gaze off his niples and up to his eyes.

“Well, damn. I didn’t expect you to come back around so soon. You couldn’t wait to see me again, could you?”

“Of course I could. I just didn’t see a reason not to.”

Negan laughed and cheerfully patted the women at either side of him in the ass. “I’m terribly sorry, my beautiful honeys, but I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. You see, this fine specimen of a man and I have some… business, to take care of in private. I know, how can I ask you to leave me when I’m such a sexy beast and you’re all hot n’ bothered? Feel welcome to take care of each other, just record it and show me afterwards.”

Amber just obeyed in silence and got dressed, blushing and avoiding eye contact with everyone. For her part, Sherry rolled her eyes dramatically and pushed Negan’s head in exasperation, making him laugh yet again, and she not only didn’t avoid Rick’s eyes but winked at him, brushing him on her way out. That had Rick blushing even harder than Amber and staring bashfully at the floor, minutes after the women left and it was just him and Negan in the suddenly quiet room.

“Look up at me, baby” Negan called softly, almost gently. “Let me see those big pretty eyes of yours. No need to be bashful. We both know why you’re here and so did they, no shame in it.”

“I know” Rick conceded, looking up, although the blush remained. He didn’t hide from meeting Negan’s eyes, just as sharp and thrilled as his grin.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments. Negan, still pleased, let himself slip a bit into the bed and crossed his arms behind his neck. The movement made his muscles flex and, once again, Rick was having trouble looking away.

“Just for the record, though, to make sure there is no fucking lil’ chance my dick’s getting hard enough to cut steel in half all over again for nothing, I’m going to ask. _Why_ are you here?”

“You know why I’m here.”

“Yup, I do. I still want to hear it. Be a dear and humor me, darling.”

Rick wasn’t able to hold Negan’s gaze anymore and looked away. He felt his own face burning up and bit his lower lip nervously. He didn’t need to look at Negan to know that the man found it immensely amusing.

“Negan, please.”

“Please what, darling? Ask me for it. That bashful blushing cuteness you got going on is the hottest shit ever. I wanna see just how red you can get saying the words.”

Rick closed his eyes and sighed deeply as he berated himself for having expected absolutely anything else from Negan. Of course he shouldn’t have expected him to be in any way gracious about it. He sagged and turned around, ready to leave.

He had come to enjoy Negan’s company, not to be mocked.

Negan was on his feet and grabbing his wrist before Rick could take more than a couple steps. The hold was strong and firm, on the border of painful, but Negan loosened it by a mere inch a second after he got Rick to stop cold where he stood. He pulled at Rick and made him turn around. Rick crossed his arms and glared at Negan, who to his credit had a hint of sheepishness in his otherwise still relaxed expression.

“Shit, baby. I’m sorry. Look, you know I’m just some big fucking asshole, I say shit like that all the goddamn time. This is nothing new to you.” When all he got out of Rick was a raised, judging eyebrow, his expression took a slightly anxious look and he ran his tongue through his teeth. “You came here for a good time, and a damn good time you shall have. Are you gonna let some crude assholery ruin that for you?”

Rick remained completely unimpressed, but when Negan tilted his head and sticked his lower lip out, pouting like a little kid who was being denied candy, he felt a reluctant smile tug at the corners of his lips. Negan must have caught on on it, because he exaggerated the pout, made his lip tremble, and a sad whine came out of him. Rick couldn’t hold it for longer, and after a couple moments he was chuckling and patting away a now perfectly happy Negan.

“You really are lucky you’re pretty.”

“Oh, darling, I know you love everything about me, there’s no point in trying to deny it.” Negan’s words made Rick roll his eyes, but he still did nothing to move away when the other man put his hands on his hips a tad too tight and drew him close, almost brushing their groins together. Rick’s breath hitched and he stared heatedly into Negan’s equally lustful gaze, which dropped to his lips before going to his eyes again. “I really mean it, though. I want you to tell me you’re alright with this. Tell me you want it.”

“Dammit, yes, I want sex with you. I want _you_.”

And with that, Negan pressed his lips to Rick’s. Like the first time, it was much gentler and soft than Rick would have expected from a man like Negan, but there was something new; a burning yearning that Rick felt, hot in the fingers that dug into his hips and the slight breathlessness in Negan’s breathing between one heated, slow kiss and the next, his lips moving slow and strong and his tongue pressing against Rick’s lips, demanding an entrance that Rick soon granted.

Rick’s breathing had become heavy as well, his hands firm against Negan’s nude sides. He shivered when Negan’s hand flew to his nape, deepening the open-mouthed kisses and humming pleased. He caught Rick’s lower lip between his teeth and worried it gently, pulling at it playfully before he moved away, just enough to put their foreheads together as he framed Rick’s face in his hands.

“Before we get to the beautiful business of fucking I wanna tell you something, baby” he whispered. Rick grunted and nodded, just wanting to have those lips over his again and those hands getting bolder in their exploration. “First, you know I’m gonna be running this smartass mouth of mine saying asshole things the whole time, I can’t and won’t help myself so you better not try to run away every time, just insult me if you feel like it and go on. You should also know that at some point I might slap you or some shit like that. I’ll try to keep it under control this time, but if I do it, it won’t do it because I’m angry, or because I think you deserve it. I’ll do it because I just fucking enjoy it. If that’s a problem, tell me right now. If you don’t think it is but you dislike it when it happens, you fucking tell me, alright? This is for both of us to enjoy.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll just slap you right back.”

Rick guessed that was the right answer, because he felt a trembling laughter come off Negan’s chest and then Negan’s lips were back on him, sucking into his neck without any trace of gentleness as Negan carelessly walked him backwards towards the bed. Rick yelped startled when his knees hit the mattress and he fell on his back, but Negan seemed perfectly comfortable as he kept lavishing attention on Rick’s skin uninterruptedly as they fell and after settling down.

He grunted something about Rick being overdressed as he moved away just enough to roughly undo the buttons of Rick’s shirt and yank it away, and before Rick had even time to react, Negan had sunk back into him, this time focusing his lips on one of his nipples. His lips pressed an open-mouthed kiss against it, before closing and biting down roughly. Rick gasped and bucked his hips into Negan’s stomach as he raked his nails down Negan’s wide, muscled back, action that the other man mimicked on his.

“Baby, honey, darling” Negan muttered between kisses traced up and down Rick’s chest, lapping his tongue at the skin and moaning at the taste. Rick chuckled, a sound weak and inconsistent due to the sensations he was being showered with.

“What, you got tired of my name?”

“Mh?”

Rick pulled at Negan’s hair and drew him upwards, and the man complied happily, meeting his lips in a slower kiss, the hazy eagerness tuned down as he made them roll onto their sides, facing one another. Negan stared intensely at Rick, all of him pouring into Rick through his eyes, and his hand lazily moved up and down his neck and shoulder. Rick, who was blushing intensely, smiled gently at him and traced his nails up and down the snake tattoo on Negan’s right pec.

“Well, usually you drop my name every two sentences at most-”

“And in my opinion, you don’t use mine often enough” Negan interrupted. Rick ignored him.

“-But you’ve been calling me all those pet names since I walked in. It surprised me.”

Negan hummed as he gave it some thought. He caught Rick’s hand in his and brought it up to his lips, pressing a kiss against each of the knuckles before taking the index finger in his mouth and swirling his tongue around it. Rick squealed and Negan grinned, satisfied.

“Well, _Rick_ , can you blame me? You got a beautiful name to go with a beautiful man, I can’t stop myself from using it. But having the chance to call you these things? It’s just as delicious as I bet your ass is. You have no idea how much I want you to be mine. So pretty, so amazing, so perfect, and you’re gonna be mine. I thought I was lucky to just have you around, but this is a whole damn new level.”

As he spoke, Negan’s hands moved to Rick’s backside and he grabbed a handful of his ass, squeezing it playfully and drawing him closer, close enough for their clothed erections to touch. However, although that definitely intensified Rick’s ever-growing blush and sent a shiver of pleasure right through him, it wasn’t the reason he hid his face on the crook on Negan’s neck and trembled slightly, curling into him as if to hide from shame. The physical weight of Negan’s eyes on him, the flames behind them, as well as the pure, honest desire he could feel among his words, were too much. He wrapped his arms around Negan and pressed tighter, all at once wanting to be reduced to cinders by him as much as he wanted to run away.

Negan laughed softly above him and his hands came around Rick, one settling over his hips and the other on his nape, just holding him closer in the sweetest way possible. Rick felt a gentle kiss being pressed against his curls.

“Aww, honey, you gonna get shy on me now? It’s honestly adorable. You don’t get to be both sexy and cute, and most definitely not at the same time, you know that?. It’s fucking unfair, but fuck it, my dick’s so damn thrilled I don’t think I’ll complain. My cute, sexy, awesome, wonderful lover. I really did hit jackpot with you.”

Rick wasn’t sure if Negan’s ramblings were just his nature or if it was some crappy attempt at getting him to relax, but at least they did make him smile against Negan’s skin, which he suddenly felt compelled to kiss. Negan shivered a bit and Rick smiled wider, but when one of the hands slapped his ass swiftly he squealed and went to his questionable hideout again. Negan’s hand kneaded his ass the best he could over the denim, which had Rick squirming. Negan made a confused sound and stopped.

“Rick, are you nervous?” Rick nodded silently and felt another kiss on his head, slow and careful. “You ever had sex with a man?” Rick shook his head this time. Another kiss. “Right. So is it the concept of sex with me that’s scaring you, or do you simply think that you asshole isn’t ready for taking my thick sausage?”

“Mostly the first” Rick answered, groaning at Negan’s choice of words. “I think I can handle, em, being fucked, but it still makes me nervous. It’s not important, I’ll get over it.”

Then Negan pulled gently at Rick’s hair and put his fingers of his chin, tilting his face upwards. Negan was frowning slightly, and he leaned down to barely brush his lips against Rick’s, breathing heavily. Rick’s eyes fluttered closed and he relaxed into the touch.

“If it’s something it’s not, it’s unimportant. Damn, Rick, I want you to have a good time out of this. Would you feel better if, like, I didn’t put my dick inside your ass? We can leave that one for some other time, when I’ve been playing with it nonstop for days and days and it’s all loose and ready to welcome me home.”

Rick’s heart fluttered briefly at the confirmation that Negan didn’t expect this to be a one-time thing. He bit his lip to suppress a smile. “Negan, I mean it. It’s cool.”

“Well, I damn mean it too. And you against me? I’m the boss, baby.”

Rick sighed, feeling gratitude fill him despite himself, and he tilted his head to fondly nuzzle against Negan’s cheek. Calming as he found the words, the thought of Negan leaving the night behind unsatisfied made him uneasy. True, he was a jerk, but he was a jerk that Rick was immensely attached to, for better or for worse.

“Are you sure? You’ve been talking about my sweet, sweet ass for quite some time. I know getting it is a fantasy of yours.”

Negan raised his eyebrows almost comically. “Rick, I’m a Sex God, capital letters. Do you really think that I’m unable to make this a fully satisfying sexual experience without fucking your ass? That’s an insult. And you know that insults to me are punished.” Negan poked his tongue out and laughed. “Talking about that, punishing you’s something I’ve fantasized about just as much. I’ve fantasized about doing _plenty_ bad things with you. See? I’m not gonna get bored.”

That managed to crack a smile from Rick’s lips and before he realized it, he was joining his lips to Negan’s again, rolling so that the other man was lying on his back and Rick straddling him, hands on Negan’s shoulders as he moved from his lips to trace his jawline with a series of kisses. A pleased sighing Negan didn’t put any fight on the change of positions, and his hips bucked into Rick when the man pressed his ass down against his crotch. Rick laughed and nibbled softly on Negan’s chin.

“I gotta say, you’re much more of a gentleman than I thought, Negan. Wouldn’t have expected you to say no to someone offering a home run.”

“I normally wouldn’t” Negan admitted shamelessly, mindlessly lifting his hands to play with Rick’s nipples. He rolled them experimentally between his fingers and then pinched hard, making Rick shiver and gasp. He grinned and repeated the operation. “But I want you completely cool with abso-fucking-lutely every single nasty shit we get down to. What can I say? You got me wrapped around your little finger like that.”

Rick grinned as a whole new wave of warmth and affection invaded his chest. He closed his lips on Negan’s throat, leaving a myriad of light pecks there before catching his lips in a messy kiss as he fumbled with his belt. Negan was all too eager to help him with in, and once it was out of the way they simultaneously pulled pants and boxers down. Rick grunted as he struggled to shake them off, and once they hit the floor Negan pushed at his shoulders to make him rise. The man’s eyes immediately flew to Rick’s finally free cock, and the look on his face as he licked his upper lip could only be described as _hungry_. Rick panted, suddenly aware of how hot the room was, and gasped when Negan reached out a sure hand which closed around his length, moving up and down experimentally.

Negan repeated the motion twice before deciding Rick was too far away and pulling him closer with a grunt. Rick complied and straddled his chest, earning a happy purr from Negan who winked cheekily up at him before just taking Rick into his mouth, no warning. Rick cried out loud, a high-pitched sound, at the same time he closed his hands on Negan’s hair and his hips fluttered, simultaneously wanting to sink further and move away because it was _too much_. Negan chuckled around the dick, winking at Rick again before moving further down and back away, sliding his tongue along all the underside of Rick’s dick and then swirling around the tip as he hollowed his cheeks.

Rick cried again, a weak whimper that made Negan moan loudly. “Fuck, darling’ you taste so fucking delicious” Negan panted before going down again, bobbing his head and to a certain extent allowing Rick’s hands to set the frantic pace, mind clouded by the blissful, wet heat around him. Negan’s hands had settled on Rick’s ass, which they kneaded and slapped greedily. He kept himself entertained like that for a little while, before his index finger came close to the hole. He looked up at Rick through half-lidded, heated eyes and released Rick’s dick with a loud pop.

“You OK with me taking a peek to the forbidden fruit?”

Rick nodded desperate and Negan hummed, pressing his lips in quick kisses all over Rick’s dick. The pad of his finger circled Rick’s hole a couple times, before Negan tentatively pushed the tip in. Immediately, his eyes widened and he looked up at Rick, grinning as if he didn’t believe his luck.

“Ricky boy, my precious, loved and treasured darling, have you been playing with yourself?”

Rick nodded, and he guessed it was a good thing that he had been thorough with his own preparation, because Negan’s eyes shone with delight and he proceeded to spit on his fingers and stick two of them up in Rick’s ass without any care for patience. He pumped in and out fast and hard, and just in the moment he swallowed Rick again and showed that he’d trained himself out of his gag reflex, Negan’s fingers found his prostate. Rick shook so very violently and Negan took that as an invitation to repeat both actions. Rick’s mind was clouded in a haze of lust, wet heat and blissful fullness, so intense that he almost found it hard to breathe. Negan repeated the motions twice, and then Rick was coming fast and hard down Negan’s throat with a sharp, drawn out cry.

Negan swallowed the loads down happily, and once he was satisfied he put his hands out of Rick’s ass allowing him fall on his back, panting heavily as he lied half on top of Negan, half between his legs.

It took a few minutes for Rick’s mind to come back to clarity, and yet another few for his breathing to be fully regular. He had the widest grin he’d had in far too long, hands resting on his stomach and eyes closed as he enjoyed the remaining traces of satisfied pleasure and the feel of empty balls. He peeked his eyes open and raised his head to meet Negan, who was smirking as if he was the one who had just come.

“Hadn’t gotten sweet release in a while, darling?”

Rick grunted at the mockery and shook his feet to hit Negan in the face, making him complain and Rick laughed loudly. He let his head fall backwards again, and then it hit him that Negan’s pants were still on. He scowled; that wouldn’t do, not at all. It was hard to make himself move from where he had so happily settled, but he forced himself to shift and stand on his knees between Negan’s legs. He wriggled his eyebrows a little and started working on Negan’s belt. The man offered a raised eyebrow but raised his hips, helping in the process.

“What, you’re afraid the night’s gonna end and you won’t get to see my love tool?”

“Next time you refer to your dick as something other than dick I’m ripping it off” Rick deadpanned. Negan laughed as if he found the prospect incredibly amusing, and he winked cheekily once his pants were gone and Rick was left staring at the erect - and generously sized - cock. Negan sighed happily and crossed his arms behind his neck, raising his hips and making his erection bounce a little.

“There it is. My love tool. Fucking gorgeous, ain’t it?”

“Shut up” Rick whispered, equal parts annoyance and shyness. Tentatively, he let his fingers trace their way up Negan’s right leg - following the pattern of yet another snake tattoo - until he reached the pelvis. He hesitated for a beat, and then his hand closed around Negan’s cock. The man muttered a breathy encouragement and Rick, leaning closer, pumped a couple times. He hummed thoughtfully and spitted into the tip, letting his hand’s movements spread it. Negan moaned loudly.

“You filthy slut. That’s so goddamn porny. I bet you watched tons and tons of porn back when you had a computer. Or maybe you somehow got hold of my private collection here. Did you watch my porn and jack off as you thought of me doing it to you, my beautiful baby?”  
“Negan, shut the fuck up. I mean it.”

Rick decided to channel his annoyance into something useful: He bent his head down and, quickly getting over the uncertainty of something new like this, he swiped his tongue over the head. The taste was stronger than he’d expected, and it was strange, although not exactly unpleasant. It was worth it just for the sake of cutting Negan’s ramblings short with a curse and a moan.

“Dammit, honey” he panted, brushing his fingers against Rick’s cheek. Rick smirked and decided to try licking from root to tip, which got him another pleased sound. Knowing that he was the one making those sounds come out of Negan made Rick happy and proud, so he was working on coaxing more by repeatedly kissing the tip when the man tugged at his hair. Rick looked upwards, lips hidden behind the cock.

Negan coaxed him closer with a movement of his finger, and once Rick was within reach, he grabbed him and turned him around so that his face was against Negan’s thigh and his legs on either side of Negan’s head, allowing the man to gently nip at the soft flesh of his ass. Rick went back to squirming.

“69? Really? Negan, I just came little more than five minutes ago.”

“And I remind you that I’m a Sex God. Get to sucking.”

“But-”

“No buts and no shit. I’ve known I’d fuck you from the moment I saw you walk out of that shower, all shaved and clean and pretty and glorious. I’ve had plenty time to fantasize and I’m getting to get at least two of those out of the way tonight.”

After that, Negan stuck his tongue straight into Rick’s ass, the way made easy by the earlier intrusions, and he went straight to the prostate again, starting a second onslaught. Rick whimpered pitifully and felt his cock twitch as it started to come back into action, and he decided that there was no way he was letting Negan get him to come first. He didn’t hesitate in his movements anymore and wrapped his lips around Negan’s length, deciding to take some notes from the man’s earlier actions: he hollowed his cheeks, followed by an unskilled swirl of his tongue around the head. Negan emitted a mix of moan and laugh against his ass.

It was hard to focus on the task at hand when he felt Negan’s hot, wet tongue slipping in and out of him, caressing devilishly at the point that made his mind go blank, all the while the man moaned as if he was having the most delicious dish he’d ever tasted. To the best of his ability, even through the mist of lust that clouded his mind, Rick did his best. He was no expert, so he just let himself explore freely, close his eyes and enjoy the sensation, taste and smell. He must have been doing something right, if the way Negan’s moans and strokes of his tongue sometimes hitched in suspicious sync with Rick’s.

He guessed he stood no chance to last long; he was still sensitive from the last time, and it only took a handful minutes of Negan lavishing his ass with skilled attention, licks and kisses and bites, for him to shake violently again and moan around Negan’s cock for as he came hard into Negan’s chest, coating him white. Rick breathed heavily around Negan’s cock, eyes rolled into his head. Negan kissed each of his cheeks and then slapped them simultaneously, surely with a shit-eating grin on his face. Rick gave himself a few moments to recover from his second orgasm, and then he moaned and licked at the head once more.

That seemed to be all Negan needed to come too, because he screamed a vulgarity, his hips bucked upwards, and then hot, somewhat bitter spurts filled his mouth. Rick’s eyes widened and he instinctively moved back, gagging a bit and making the semen fall into Negan’s waist. Then, the second load came and hit him right on the cheek. Rick was frozen for a second, but then he groaned in embarrassment and fell aside, resting beside Negan.

“Sorry ‘bout that” he muttered once both of them had calmed, blushing bright red. Negan was playing absently with his leg and pressing kisses into his calf.

“About what? Giving me the pleasure of experiencing your first blowjob? Don’t be ridiculous, I’m fucking honored” Negan replied easily, bending a bit to show him a toothy grin. “And I mean, I’m too damn much, no wonder you got a bit overwhelmed there. Don’t worry, by next week you’ll have no gag reflex.”

“You seem pretty confident in a second time” Rick pointed out, teasing grin on his lips and eyebrow raised. Negan slapped his thigh.

“You’re not? That breaks my goddamn heart” he replied mockingly. Next, he stood up from the bed and nudged at Rick to join him. He took him to the bathroom, where Rick was surprised yet again by the gentleness Negan showed even after he had gotten what he wanted. He kissed Rick every second as water fell on them, washed him clean with burning caresses, and then just held him long after the soap had washed off, nuzzling into his shoulder and holding him.

“Spend the night” he said softly once they were out. Rick had been ready to take his clothes and go back to his own room, but Negan’s words stopped him short. He didn’t know if they were a request or an order, and neither did he know which had more power over him. He hesitated briefly, but he thought, why? Both Carl and Judith were most likely asleep already, and it wouldn’t be the first time morning hit without Rick’s presence in the room.

His way of answering Negan was slipping under the covers that the man held open for him. Negan grinned triumphantly, kissed him one last time, and then spooned him with a happy sigh. Rick let himself be held, put his hand over Negan’s where it rested against his chest, and fell asleep to the feeling of satisfaction, protection, and happiness.


	8. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick comes back to Alexandria for their first tribute. He and Michonne reach a decision about their group. Negan decides to give a name to what he and Rick share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... I wish I had an excuse for the delay. I really wish I did. But all I can say is that I've been unable to make myself push through the block more often. I'm really sorry, people.  
> Also, this one is light on regan interaction. SORRY.

The first thing Rick noticed when he next approached Alexandria was that there was now someone actively keeping watch on the fence. As soon as he got out of the truck and his feet hit the ground, his eyes went up and he saw the guy he had threatened to kill, Deanna’s son - Spencer, was it? - holding a rifle and looking down at them with clear concern. Rick held his gaze for ten seconds, and then smirked to himself when the younger man looked away nervously and rushed to get down.

At least they had learned to take precautions. Too bad it was too late for them to wake up to the world.

Rick remained absolutely calm as he watched Spencer approach and then stop right in front of him, at the other side of the fence. If it wasn’t for the metal in between, Rick could have taken his gun and put it against the man’s head just by raising his arm, just like he had four days earlier. It seemed like Spencer was having similar thoughts, because his eyes went back and forth from Rick’s eyes to his gun. Rick smirked to himself one more time, choosing to remain silent. When it looked like Spencer couldn’t make up his mind about whether he was going to let them in or not, Rick simply crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, which seemed to make Spencer even more nervous but still unmoving. Rick’s eyebrow rose more.

The silent exchange of fear and authority between them continued until it was interrupted by a huff behind Rick. Rick couldn’t see her, but he could imagine clear as water the way Michonne rolled her eyes before she stepped forward to his side, glaring at Spencer and crossing her arms impatiently.

“You’re going to to let us in or not?”

Spencer flinched a little, but he hurried to to fumble with the chains that kept the gate closed. Rick smiled at Michonne, but she just rolled her eyes to tell him she wasn’t impressed by his little game, and she adjusted her katana behind her back before being the first one to step into Alexandria a second time. She didn’t need to say anything for Rick to know that she thought Negan was rubbing off on him a little bit too much. If he was being honest, he’d have to say that she was right.

Rick nodded at the people behind him and went in after Michonne, giving Spencer a brief look before going ahead. Carol was beside him - always beside him - and behind him went Maggie, followed by everyone else who had come with them. Daryl was missing, much to Rick’s disappointment; after securing their control over the place, the man had said he’d rather keep going to the Hilltop unless Rick specifically wanted him to go with him. Rick knew Daryl had been getting along with that Jesus lookalike, and he also knew Daryl wasn’t too comfortable with the whole Saviors thing to begin with, so he’d allowed him to go to the one thing that allowed him to feel somewhat comfortable with the situation. Besides, it was nice seeing him opening up a bit to someone else. Simon had promised Rick he’d keep an eye on the man, and that was enough to calm him down.

They had only taken about twenty steps inside when Deanna’s figure appeared in the streets, walking towards them with her husband at one side and some people Rick didn’t remember following behind. As soon as she was close enough, her eyes fixed on her son, who was awkwardly walking behind Rick, and she paled slightly. Rick snorted silently and nudged the man towards his mother, who seemed to relax a bit once Spencer was out of Rick’s immediate reach.

“Hello, Rick” she greeted once they were face to face, voice careful but clearly resentful. Rick didn’t mind it; he understood. She crossed her arms as she regarded him with a stern expression, which only grew when Rick smiled at her faintly and friendly. “I suppose you’re here for what you said you would?”

“We’re here to take your supplies, yeah” Rick replied easily. “It was a promise and I intend to follow through with it. I’m sure you understand.”

The woman’s jaw clenched, her grip on her forearm went a bit tense, and her eyes narrowed. However, after a moment of holding Rick’s calm but defying gaze, she took control of whatever anger she was feeling and appeared to calm down. Her eyes went through all the people behind Rick, strong and armed, and she sighed in defeat.

“You’re supposed to take half, right?”

“That’s it.”

With the exception of her husband, who seemed just as lost as her, the people accompanying Deanna glared at her, indignant, but none dared say anything. Rick sneered at them, and then, going completely serious, he turned to his soldiers. With a jerk of his head he indicated them to start moving, and immediately they were spreading out through the community, intimidating those who happened to be on the streets and investigating where to start looking for things to take.

Rick stayed behind for a couple minutes, watching them move. He noticed that Maggie hadn’t followed the others but instead joined Michonne, who had stayed aside during the brief exchange between Rick and Deanna, and now the both of them stood beside Deanna after everyone else had gone hide somewhere, leaving her alone. Rick approached them.

“Aren’t you two coming?”

“Not right now” Michonne replied, shaking her head gently. “You go ahead, I think I’m gonna keep an eye on Deanna. I doubt she’ll be trouble, but she’s the leader. She’s important, right?”

Rick hummed and nodded, his way of telling Michonne he saw her point. His eyes went to Maggie, who smiled faintly at him and shook her head before stepping closer to Michonne. Rick nodded at her as well, then locked eyes with Deanna once more. The corners of his lips turned upwards despite himself when he saw not fear in her eyes, just caution. He turned around and followed the group deeper into the streets of Alexandria.

As he strolled around the place, in charge now instead of cautious, Rick realized he loved the neighborhood. It was simply magnificent. The constant sensation of being on edge he’d had four days before hadn’t allowed him to fully enjoy it. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, letting a smile form on his lips. This place was good. Once he was sure enough about their total control of the place, he could see himself spending time in Alexandria. He wouldn’t leave the Sanctuary, but he would like to have one of the empty houses to himself. He could see Judith having something similar to a normal childhood here.

He bet Negan would be more than happy to join him and his family in these occasional vacations. Rick found that the thought made him smile wider, borderline giddy.

For a while, all he did was supervise what the men took and what they didn’t. Yes, we can take that. Yes, we can take that too. No, we ain’t taking _all_ their beds. Leave at least one for each house, then you can load up the rest.

All the while, Rick felt eyes trailing him as he moved up and down the streets, making sure the men didn’t get too excited in their raiding of Alexandria. He knew it was the inhabitants of the community, but it didn’t bother him; the more time he spent there, the weaker these people looked to him. He couldn’t imagine any of them posing any kind of threat to the Saviors, if they didn’t even dare look him in the eye when he turned to return their gaze.

It was a bit surprising when out of all the people in Alexandria, Spencer was the one to not only not hide from him, like the Andersons and others had when he waved at them before, but actually approached him. Rick had been directing the Saviors for little more than an hour when he heard the man clearing his throat behind him, and when he turned he was met with a slightly pale, but trying to look relaxed, Spencer.

Rick’s eyebrows shot up. It was surprising, but not unwelcome. He immediately relaxed his stance, trying to show Spencer that he wasn’t hostile. He felt a bit bad about having pulled a gun on him the other day, and he felt that, as the son of the leader, getting along with him would be good for their relationships with Alexandria. He put a little smile on his face, one that the younger man returned weakly.

“Hey” he greeted, in a voice that made him sound much younger than he actually was. He cleared his throat a second time and tried again. “No hard feelings, right?”

“Well, I  pointed a gun at you. I’d say I’m not the one with a right to hard feelings here.”

“No hard feelings, then” Spencer replied, perking up. He put his hands on his hips, watched the Saviors take things from the houses for a few seconds, and returned his attention to Rick. “They’ve already gone through my place. They left our wine, it’s good, old. You want to try it?”

Rick brought a hand to his chin, gave a quick look to his men. He hadn’t had to redirect them for a while now, and he was sure that Carol would take care of it if any of them tried to cross any line. He nodded at Spencer, and ten minutes later he was sitting again in Deanna’s couch, with a glass of richly red wine in his hand instead of a camera on his face, and Spencer in front of him instead of his mother.

“Me and my parents, we talked to Michonne and Maggie earlier” the man was saying, closer to being relaxed now. “I can’t say that I like how you’re doing it, but I see what you’re trying to do here. You’re right, we have no idea of how to deal with this world and you’re forcing us to open our eyes to it. You’ve got rules, order, you make people cooperate, even if it’s in the benefit of a few. You’re bringing structures back to the world, and me? I want to see it happen.”

Rick found himself smiling absently as he leaned back and took a small sip. He made a vague gesture with his hand.

“It’s not me all this is coming from. It’s Negan. I have always been worried just about surviving, but he wants more out of this. All you said is on him, not on me. He’s the extraordinary man.”

“He wanted you to kill me” Spencer replied awkwardly, fidgeting in his seat. Rick shrugged.

“Yeah, he’s a little rough around the edges, but he ain’t a bad man.”

“The point is,” Spencer tried again after some more moments of tension, voice unsure and choosing not to comment on Rick’s opinion on the subject, “is that I want to cooperate with you. I’m willing to. I hope you keep that in mind.”

Rick hummed and left the half-empty glass of wine on the table. He leaned forward, rested his arms on his knees and joined his hands as he looked at Spencer straight in the eye, stern and serious.

“Look, Spencer, I appreciate you’re willing to accept us, but I see what you’re trying to do. If you want to be on my good side, you won’t get in by flattering me. Try to get my respect instead. Work hard, keep this community afloat, show me that you’re willing to sacrifice for the people here. Otherwise, you’re nothing but talk. I don’t like people who think they can talk their way through life.”

Spencer blinked, taken aback, and stumbled for words before settling for staying silent as his face turned red. Rick took the glass again, leaned back, and took some more wine in the sudden silence that lasted for five uncomfortable minutes until the door opened.

Rick stood up just as Deanna walked into the room followed by Michonne and Maggie. Deanna’s eyes widened when she saw Rick in her house, and she immediately looked at Spencer, who made a placating gesture to indicate that all was alright. The woman pursed her lips, but she took Rick’s hand when he offered it, even if she chose to remain silent. Rick looked at Michonne afterwards.

“How’s everything out there? All good?”

“Good enough. Looks like there’s no conflict from them.”

Rick looked at Deanna, who nodded.

“We don’t like it. None of us. But we know that there’s nothing we can do about it as we are right now, so we’ll do what we have to do.”

“Good. I know it doesn’t look like it right now, but this doesn’t have to be bad for you. It’ll take some time to adapt to it, but once it’s settled, we can all benefit from it. You only need to cooperate, and sooner or later we’ll reward you with something. Your son Spencer understands that.”

Deanna crossed her arms, moving her narrowed eyes to her son and then back to Rick. Her lips were twisted, but she looked more frustrated and skeptical than outright angry.

“I hope you’re honest, Rick. I want these people to survive. It’s not like I can do anything else, but I trust you to be a reasonable man, as much as it’s possible. Don’t give me a reason to do otherwise, and we’ll work along.”

“I won’t” Rick promised earnestly.

And then, there was a gunshot.

Rick wasn’t sure if it was him or Deanna who jumped into motion first, but he was the first to reach the door, closely followed by everyone else. He took a quick look across the streets and saw a small group of people two streets over, and ran towards it, hand already on his own gun.

The people parted to let him in as soon as he pushed the first one away, and when he saw what was happening Rick was met with Carol holding a gun, struggling to free her arm from the Andersons’ older boy, who was grasping at it desperately. A few meters ahead of them was the father, shaking on the floor with a smoking hole mere inches away from him. The mother, Jessie, was standing beside them, one hand covering her horrified mouth and the other grasping on her younger son to keep him in place.

“What the hell is this?” Rick snarled as he strode towards Carol and the boy, both of whom were too busy struggling to notice him before. Rick reached between them and roughly pushed each to one side, allowing Carol to keep the gun but glaring at her as much as she did the boy. “Someone explain, now.”

“That bitch tried to shoot my dad!”

“Ron!” Jessie cried, desperate, but a cold, harsh glare from Rick had already made Ron go pale and utterly silent. Rick waited until everything had calmed down, gone quiet, and then he slowly faced Carol.

“Why did you want to shoot him, Carol?”

“That man is beating his family, Rick.”

Carol’s voice was, on the surface, as icy-cold as Rick’s. However, Rick had known her long enough to be able to listen to the slight trembling of pure anger underneath it. Rick’s eyes widened for a fraction of second, and then, taking a deep breat, he inspected the Andersons as he watched out the corner of his eye how Deanna reached the circle but was kept out of it by Michonne and Maggie.

Peter, if he remembered right, was still on the floor, mumbling something unintelligible about having no idea what it was all about. Ron simply looked angry. For their part, the little boy had his eyes wide open, the only sign that he was reacting at all, while his mother was deadly pale and looking at Rick with a pleading expression.

“What makes you think that?”

“I know, Rick.”

“Carol, I’m not going to allow you to kill someone just because _you know_.”

“Alright.” Carol’s voice was probably more cutting than she intended. “The little boy. He came to me, asked if we’re going to protect them from the things that harm them. From the people too. I only needed to ask him a few questions to see it. I know that man is harming his wife and their children, Rick. He’ll be better off dead.”

Rick nodded slowly and put his attention back to the family. Peter wasn’t trying to defend himself now, staring furiously at his boy instead. The boy’s only reaction was going pale, and Rick saw that his mother was starting to panic, her face white and her lips barely noticeably open, as if she needed more air than her nose could provide.

Maybe other people wouldn’t see anything, but Rick had been a police officer for years, and he trusted his instinct and Carol more than he trusted any person in Alexandria.

Quietly, he walked up to Jessie until they were face to face. His steely eyes met her scared ones before she looked down. He made his best effort to ease the expression on his face, and even managed to offer her a feeble smile.

“Is it true, Jessie?”

“No! Of course it isn’t. I don’t know why Sam would- He doesn’t- Peter has never done any of that.”

“Look at my eyes and try again, please.”

Jessie complied, although it took her a few moments longer than necessary to manage it. Her eyes weren’t any more confident than before, and they slipped at something behind Rick’s back, widened, and went back to Rick. He knew she had looked at her husband and whatever she saw scared her.

“It’s not true.”

“Then why don’t you sound convincing?”

“Look, he’s a little rough, sometimes, but he’s never-”

That was all Rick needed. He walked away from Jessie and casually took his gun in his hand, bringing his eyes down to it.

“I used to be a police officer” he started amiably, “saw lots of cases like this. To be honest, I just needed a verbal confirmation of what I’d already seen. Families like this? The same elements, the same behavior. It’s clear as water, even after all these years.” His cold, angry eyes went to Peter. “Carol is right. People like you are better off dead.”

“Y- You don’t know anything about us!” Peter cried, voice equal parts angry and scared. “You’re just jumping into conclusions!”

“I’m willing to risk it.”

“I’m not!”

Rick was startled for half a second as Deanna managed to push through Maggie and Michonne and walked into the circle, erratic and wide-eyed. She approached Rick quickly, but once she was in front of him she raised her hands in a placating gesture.

“That man is our only doctor. We need him.”

Without blinking, Rick raised his gun and shot at Peter, the bullet hitting between his eyebrows and making him fall backwards, eyes wide and mouth open for a scream that he didn’t have time for. There were a few screams over the crowd, and in less than five seconds a crying Ron was kneeling next to his father. Rick turned around and started walking away.

“We’ll bring our doctor every two weeks from now on.”

Rick didn’t bother checking anyone’s reaction; he didn’t particularly feel like dealing with the Alexandrians and their surely scandalized reaction to Rick doing what none of them would’ve had the guts to do. He knew he had simply done what had to be done. He kept walking until he found himself next to the gate. He blinked at it a few times, and then sighed heavily leaning against the wall.

Peter was the first man he’d killed since that time he took revenge for Glenn and Abraham. He didn’t regret it, not for a single second, but he couldn’t bring himself to be unaffected, either. Just like all those months ago, he felt blood on his skin, blood that wasn’t really there anymore, and reminded him of just how easily he had done something that should, theoretically, take him at least a second of hesitation.

At the very least Negan would like it, Rick thought with a snort. He had no doubt that someone would tell him in less than five minutes after they got home.

He had been there for only a few minutes when he saw Michonne approaching. Rick perked up, took in her neutral expression and readied himself for some sort of lecture. However, Michonne just leaned beside him, offering silent company. Rick gave her a faint smile.

“I trust Carol when she says he was beating his family.”

“So do I.”

“I had to do it.”

“Maybe you could’ve at least tried to be discreet, but I don’t completely disagree with you.”

“It’s gonna be a problem for cooperation, though” Rick sighed, resting the crown of his head against the wall, eyes on the sky. “Deanna was starting to come around. Guess we’ll have to start over now.”

“I think I can help with that” Michonne offered after a few seconds of silence. There was a slight, uncharacteristic uncertainty in her voice. Rick raised his eyebrows at her to tell her to go ahead. “Maggie and I, we’ve been talking to Deanna this while. We think it might be good if some of us stayed here, in Alexandria, instead of the Sanctuary.”

For a long moment, all Rick did was blink in Michonne’s direction, silent and face blank as he made sure he understood what she had tried to say.

“Absolutely not” he finally said, calm and quiet, but firm. “Are you insane? I know this place is nice, but these people hate us, Michonne. Staying here ain’t safe.”

“They’re not stupid, Rick. At least Deanna isn’t” Michonne countered, rolling her eyes, more annoyed than anything else. “You coming back to see any of us harmed in any way? It’d be the worst that could happen to them, and they know. You’d destroy this community.”

“You bet I would” Rick grunted darkly, crossing his arms.

Michonne smiled despite herself, tilting her head a little. “Not to mention three or four of us could overpower them without breaking as much as a sweat. Which is one of the reasons we want to stay. Hear me out on this.”

He regarded her carefully, squinting his eyes. His stance relaxed the slightest bit and he nodded reluctantly.

“Let’s say I’d be willing to consider the idea, if you gave me good enough reasons. Which I’m not. What exactly would anyone get out of you being here?”

Michonne relaxed a bit too and gave him a smile. “You see how people are here, Rick, they’re just… They’re not ready. For anything. Today they could offer things because they had them to begin with, but what happens next week? And the one after that? They don’t have more than five people who know how to handle themselves out there, and that’s being generous. They need to be taught what to do once they’re out there, looking for supplies. They die, we don’t get anything and no one wins, right?”

Rick’s narrowed eyes remained on her for almost a minute, lips pursed tightly and jaw tense. However, he ended up nodding slowly.

“Alright, I see a point there. You could try to teach them a few things about how to survive, but not enough that they could become a problem. You can do that and still stay home.”

The corner of Michonne’s lips twitched, but her eyes never moved away from Rick’s, strong and certain.

“We can. But the truth is, Rick, I think we _need_ to get away from there, at least for some time. Maggie’s been trying, but how things are done there… It’s just not working for her. You know she’s always thinking about Glenn, and we all know he’d like it here much better than there. We’ve talked about it, and she wants to try this. Tara wants to come here, too. She doesn’t like it there.”

Rick’s eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat. Before he was aware of it, he was grasping Michonne’s shoulders.

“Has someone else attacked her?” he asked frantically, searching her face for answers. “I swear to god, Michonne, if someone has I won’t even wait for permission to-”

“She’s alright” Michonne interrupted calmly, gently taking Rick’s hands off her shoulders. Rick immediately felt air running through his lungs again and his muscles relax. “But she’s not too comfortable with how Negan does things, either. She’s been managing, but what happened yesterday with the iron… It’s too much for her.”

Michonne’s words made Rick wince and look down, because he knew she was right. There was nothing he could say to counter that.

The same day Rick had woken up in Negan’s bed to languid kisses on his shoulder, with strong arms wrapped around him and a warm body pressing closely against his, the man who was acting so tenderly towards Rick had put a hot iron against a man’s face. Rick had just reunited with the man after a trip to his own room and having breakfast with his family, and then Negan had been informed that while he was with Rick, Amber was with another man.

Rick knew Negan didn’t like the thought of his wives being as freely-loving as he was, but that didn’t mean he expected to see nothing but quiet fury as Negan took an iron, made sure Amber was certain about her choice, and then burned half of a man’s face without as much as blinking at the sizzling sound it made. He gave a few words about rules to all the people he had forced to gather there to watch, and then he went on with his usual business as if he had done nothing worth noticing.

Rick couldn’t say he approved, not in the slightest, but he couldn’t say that he didn’t understand, either. All of what Negan was building, from the Saviors to the Sanctuary to the net of communities under his control, it was all based on rules, and every infraction of the rules had to be made an example of punishment. Even if it was a rule as personal, selfish and petty as ‘only Negan gets to sleep around’.

He understood, but he also understood why someone would want to put distance between themselves and something like that.

Rick nibbled down on his lip absently as he sighed deeply, before looking back at Michonne with a softer gaze.

“Alright. You, Maggie and Tara. Anyone else would want to stay here?”

“Noah said he’d like to come here for a while, too. I haven’t talked to Gabriel, but I’m willing to bet the only reason he hasn’t left already is because he’d die if he tried.”

Rick scowled a little, crossed his arms almost petulantly. “I don’t want Noah to go. He’s the only person in the whole Sanctuary who is Carl’s age.”

“And Carl never speaks to him. He doesn’t even like him” Michonne pointed out, eyebrow raised. “Barely acknowledges him at all. He thinks he’s weak.”

“To be fair, he kinda is” Rick mused vaguely, then rushed to add something else. “In a sense. He can’t handle himself the way most of us do. I still like the boy, but that’s how it is. It’s not necessarily something bad, though. Maybe Carl’s too harsh sometimes.”

“He _is_ harsh, Rick. He’s rough, and yeah, he’s strong, but mostly just on a superficial level and he believes that’s all that matters, knowing how to fire guns. Do you really want him to keep living in a place that encourages him to think like that?”

Rick licked his lips, hesitating briefly about his answer. He almost felt compelled to look away from Michonne’s firm but not judging eyes, but his eyes stayed where they were.

“It will make him strong, Michonne. It will make him live.”

A silence fell between them then, not uncomfortable but not really comfortable either. Michonne looked ahead, giving Rick time to think about it, while Rick rolled in his head all Michonne had said. All this time, all he had aimed for was to take care of his family, help them settle down on this safe home Negan had offered them all, and he’d thought it was all good. But now here they were, facing the fact that some members of his family wanted to stay away from what he had gotten for them. Stay away from him.

Had he failed them that badly?

“I’m sorry all of this didn’t work out” Rick finally said with a tired, defeated sigh, making a languid movement towards the trucks. “I don’t like it, but if you think it’ll be best for you to leave, then I’m not gonna stop you. It’s your choice.”

“C’mon, Rick, don’t get dramatic” Michonne nudged, but the relieved tone in her voice made a small wince go along with the smile he returned. “This is definitely not your fault. We’ve gotten so used to only having one viable choice, we’ve almost forgotten that sometimes things just don’t work out perfectly. I see what you’ve done for us these months, we all do, but we just need a change of scenery. And what do you mean, ‘leave’? We’re gonna be right here. You ain’t getting rid of me that easily, mister.”

The smile and chuckle that came out of Rick were more genuine this time, enhanced when Michonne’s laugh joined his own. He regarded her through half-lidded, bright eyes, hoping she could tell that he was trying to thank her for understanding him so much.

“Negan’s not gonna like it” Rick pointed out a few minutes later, more a casual thought than a problem to overcome.

“You’ll convince him. A man always listens to his lover, after all.”

Rick’s immediate blush, bright and covering all his face, coaxed a hearty laugh from Michonne, which in turn made Rick’s face get even redder. The shyness forced him to keep his eyes glued to the ground, but even as he did that he could feel a smile pull at the corners of his lips.

“I, huh… Is it that obvious?”

“That you started sleeping with him two days ago? It was written all over your face when you came to breakfast yesterday. If it makes you feel better, though, I don’t think anyone else noticed. They assume you two have been having a thing for months.”

Michonne laughed good-naturedly when he whined woefully and hid his face in his hands, but soon enough, for some reason, he found himself laughing with her, their mixed laughter destroying the tension between them.

“It’s just, we owe him a lot, Michonne. _I_ owe him a lot. He’ll do what needs to be done to take care of us, for the first time since all of this started we won’t die if we stop worrying for a moment. And… I know he cares. He’s got a weird way to go about it, but he’s shown that he respects me and cares about me.”

“You don’t got to justify yourself. You know I don’t like him too much, but if you think he’s good for you, that’s good enough. Besides, I got eyes, y’know. It’s not too much a surprise that you caved in to a face like that.”

Rick returned Michonne’s half-mischievous, half-teasing smile with a bright, shy one of his own. He put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed.

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna be right here” she assured again. “You won’t have to miss me as long as you keep coming here yourself.”

“I will.”

Rick said that then, and he said it again one hour later, when Michonne said the same words right before they parted. They had their hands on the other’s shoulder, foreheads together, and smiling softly at one another. It was almost painful to step back when Carol told him that the Saviors had finished clearing the area of walkers, but he managed to. He told her that he would bring Gabriel, Tara and Noah to Alexandria himself the following day.

“You better” Michonne whispered before leaning to kiss his cheek. Rick smiled at her one last time, embraced Maggie tightly too as he whispered in her ear that he knew Glenn would be happy with her choice.

And then, they were gone.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Rick’s breathing slowly calmed down, and he was mildly aware that so had Negan’s. He was lying on Negan’s bed, relaxed eyes in some point in the ceiling, while Negan, who lied opposite of him, held his leg as if it was a pillow, leaving soft kisses on the skin and running his hand up and down. Rick let himself enjoy the afterglow until it had finished slipping away, leaving only the relaxation and contentment of having been well-fucked.

“What am I to you, Negan?” he asked all of sudden once his mind had cleared. Negan stopped trying to grab his foot to tickle it - at which Rick absently shook his leg to keep Negan’s fingers away - and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Mh?”

“I mean, I’m not one of your, em, wives, right? So is this just something casual, or…?”

Rick gestured vaguely at Negan, brows furrowed in confusion. Negan propped himself up on his elbows and mirrored Rick’s expression.

“Two weeks of fucking almost every day hardly counts as casual, Rick, unless I’ve missed some big piece of information that says that you need my dick to stay alive or something and that’s the only reason you keep coming here. Why’re you asking?” A sly smirk appeared on Negan’s face as his eyes shone with glee, and he slapped Rick’s thigh with a laugh. “Oh my, don’t tell me you’re jealous that I haven’t put a ring on you!”

“Don’t be ridiculous” Rick huffed as he kicked Negan’s face with only a bit of gentleness. Negan grumbled. ”I just have been thinking about what you did to Mark the other day, burning his face off. You did that because he slept with Amber. Would you do that to someone for sleeping with me?”

Negan’s eyes took a dark hint and his smile, although still present, took a step towards sour. He inspected Rick’s face and licked his lips slowly. The teasing movements of his hands came to a stop.

“Why do you want to know? This isn’t about Michonne, or is it?”

Negan’s question was little more than a feeble mutter, but it still had enough strength in it to make Rick blush hard and look down, away from Negan’s suddenly serious eyes.

He didn’t know if Negan was just that good at reading people, or if he simply put a lot of his attention on Rick, but it was borderline scary how much he could guess Rick’s thoughts sometimes. Truth be told, even if it wasn’t what Negan was definitely implying there, the question did come from Rick thinking about Michonne. Ever since she had gone away two weeks ago Rick had been rolling her in his mind, missing her, and he had realized that maybe his feelings for her had been a little more complex than he had contemplated.

To be fair, he was asking out of genuine curiosity. He felt that any chance at whatever he could have had with her had passed, at least with things as they were, and Rick didn’t intend to chase any sort of relationship with her. What he had with Negan, whatever it was, was enough for him now. Maybe that was why he suddenly felt the need to be able to put a name to it.

Still, he had seen Negan’s version of jealous. He didn’t want to risk bringing it down on Michonne.

“No, it’s not her. It’s… Huh... There’s this woman in Alexandria, Jessie. It’s strange, because I killed her abusive husband, but I think there’s some tension between us. I’m not gonna chase it, but I wanted to know if you’d let me, if I wanted.”

There was no such tension, at least of that kind. Rick was improvising, and Negan’s raised eyebrow indicated that the man wasn’t even pretending to not notice the uncertainty in Rick’s voice. He didn’t mention Michonne again, though, and after a few more moments of skepticism he sighed deeply, softer eyes casted downwards. He pressed a kiss into the arch of Rick’s foot and let his fingertips run from Rick’s toe to his thigh, which he massaged absently.

“I wouldn’t fuck someone over if you banged them. But fuck, Rick, I’d rather you didn’t. I want you all to myself.”

Negan’s voice was a bit quieter than usual, so little that it was just noticeable because Rick had gotten so used to the man’s ramblings, and before he was even aware of it his hand had reached out to land over Negan’s and squeezed it. Negan winked at him, shifted over, and went in for a kiss.

Rick could never know if Negan was going to be gentle or rough. This time, all Negan did was brush his lips against Rick’s, pulling back when Rick tried to deepen the kiss and laughing about it. He nipped Rick’s lip gently and then pressed his lips against his shoulder, right where it met his neck.

“To answer your question, though. No, you’re not one of my wives and I think you’d beat the hell out of me if I tried to make you another name on that list. But you’re most definitely not a casual fuck, either. So how about my lover? Do you like that? Yeah, I don’t have one of those. It has a damn nice ring to it, don’t you think? My precious, beautiful, lover sweetheart.”

Rick smirked at Negan, for some reason feeling himself go a hint red, and shoved him playfully. “Is that your way of saying you’re in love with me, Negan?”

He was just teasing him, but his words made Negan smile in a way that Rick couldn’t define at first. It didn’t feel right in the man’s face, and after a moment he realized that it was because Negan’s smile looked almost vulnerable. A slight flush went with it.

“Fuck it all to everfucking hell, Rick. I might have become fonder of you than initially expected.”

“I’m fonder of you than initially expected, too.” The words left Rick’s mouth before they even took shape in his mind, but the moment he saw Negan’s grin grow wider than ever, he knew he would have said them anyway. On a whim, Rick joined their lips in a hungry kiss, and Negan let him roll them over, Rick draped over him as Negan wrapped his arms around him, chuckling as he kissed back just as hungrily.

“Say it” Rick requested in a heated whisper. “Say it out loud, Negan, let me hear the words.”

Negan took that moment to flip them around again. Rick gasped breathlessly when his back hit the mattress, and Negan’s eyes, stern and unreadable for a fraction of second, soon eased away into a gentler look. He brushed their lips together, kissed his way along Rick’s jaw and nipped lightly at his earlobe.

“I’m in love with you, Rick” he breathed heavily, only for Rick to hear.

Rick’s heart, already excited, jumped then and started pumping at full speed. Rick felt a rush of pure joy being born in his chest, spreading through every inch of his body in the form of a bright red blush. He didn’t remember the last time he had smiled so wide for so long, and now he just wanted Negan to hold him forever, keep that rush flowing through his body.

For a while they just kissed, slow and lazy, heated and rough, and back to gentle again. Rick ended up on his side, his hand tracing patterns over Negan’s chest while Negan buried his fingers on Rick’s curls, massaging lightly. Rick leaned to press his lips against Negan’s clavicle and then looked up at Negan’s eyes, heavy and dark and not leaving Rick’s face for a single moment.

“I want to know you, Negan. I say that I’m in love with you, and I mean it, but I don’t really know you. In all this time, you haven’t revealed anything about your past and you know it, so…” Rick hesitated for a second, doubting whether it was his place to ask or not, but then went on. “I’d like you to tell me something about yourself. Something personal.”

Rick didn’t miss the way Negan’s eyes went stormy for a second, but as soon as it was there it had given way to something different, thoughtful. Negan put some distance between them and Rick feared he had crossed some line Negan didn’t want crossed, but the man kept him at arm distance, hand lingering on his shoulder as his eyes, unfocused and vague, avoided him.

It took almost five minutes for Negan to speak, and Rick had assumed that his request was going to go unanswered when Negan cleared his throat and licked his lips in an almost nervous manner.

“I hope you fucking appreciate this, Rick, because this is something I just don’t speak about” he began, voice dry and huff. Rick perked up, eyes wide. Negan swallowed. “I... was married. She was too good and I was the piece of shit I’ve always been. She was the only person in this goddamned planet who could actually stand me for more than an hour, I hit the jackpot of fucking jackpots with her and then I went and started fucking someone else on the side. Hated it. Hated myself. Kinda hated the other woman too. And you know what finally made me end it? She got cancer, Rick. It took her to get cancer for me to be faithful to her.”

Negan’s words were sharp and rough, the feeling behind them biting and angry. Rick, infected with the tension invading Negan, stared wide-eyed while the man refused to meet his eyes.

“She died just as all this hell started. I was so fucking caught up in trying to make up for all the time I’d wasted that I didn’t even know it’d been happening for a while. I fucking saw her turn, Rick, that’s how it started for me, and I didn’t even have the guts to put an to it myself.”

Rick realized he was holding his breath. Automatically, he tried to reach out for Negan’s hand. The man made a gesture to take it away, but Rick didn’t allow him and in a second Negan was squeezing tight. He tried to look at Rick, but changed his mind halfway through.

“Her name was Lucille” he finished in a weak whisper. “And that’s me.”

When Negan had asked Rick that same question, back in the beginning, Rick had answered about his wife, about Shane, about their affair, and how it’d ended up shaping him in this new world. Rick realized that Negan, faced with the same question and no longer refusing to answer, had chosen to go with his own version of the situation, even if the pain he usually tried to hide was clear as water. For a few moments Rick waited for more information, but even when it became clear that Negan refused to go deeper into the subject, he knew that what he’d been told had had a great deal in shaping who Negan had become, too.

Lucille… Rick’s gaze lingered on the bat, which lied against the wall, and he swallowed thickly. With all his wives, it was clear that Negan had made an effort to not get attached to someone, not the way he had to her. Negan was clearly not done dealing with all of it.

And yet here he was, telling Rick something he hadn’t told anyone else. Opening up to him because Rick had asked him to.

Without even thinking about it, Rick reached out, placing his hand on Negan’s cheek and gently making him look towards him again. The need to comfort the clearly hurting man was far stronger than his distaste of what he’d just found out. Negan’s face was dark and gloomy, but he eagerly accepted Rick’s kiss when it was offered, wrapping his strong arms around Rick’s torso, clinging to him like he was the only thing keeping him afloat in the ocean, breathing heavily into him as he buried his face in the arch of Rick’s neck.

“Does this make you want to get away from me?” he whispered.

“A little” Rick admitted. “You were, in your own words, a piece of shit. But all of that is over now, it’s clearly still eating away at you. We’ve all done things we wish we could take back, and this… I know you’d take it back if you could. It doesn’t matter who we were, but who we are. So no, Negan, I don’t think I’m gonna go anywhere.”

Rick felt Negan humming skeptically, but at the same time the man relaxed noticeably in his hold as a myriad of kisses, both reverent and grateful, were pressed to Rick’s neck. Negan’s lips found their way up to his ear, and then he muttered, hot and heavy and his words having lost any trace of weakness and pain.

“Good. Because at this point I would never let you walk away from me, baby.”


	9. There will be blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandria is having a problem, and Rick gets too confident about his ability to fix it on his own. He pays for it. He pays hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, an almost normal lenght in the chapter?! I didn't even reach 6k for this one! Hooooray!  
> Also, brief but acute reminder that there's a 'graphic descriptions of violence' tag <3

“Rick. Hey, Rick.”

“What is it, Negan?”

“I got you wrapped around my little finger.”

Around his little finger and three more fingers of his right hand, to be more precise. Negan was pumping said four fingers in and out of Rick, careful and agonizingly slow as he stretched and teased, barely brushing Rick’s prostate as he went in. Rick had been keeping himself composed, not giving in to the begging Negan was so eager to get out of him, but this was a little too much. He rolled his eyes, huffed, and jerked his leg to kick Negan’s side. The man, lying between Rick’s spread legs, half-groaned, half-laughed as he pressed a kiss to Rick’s cheek, nibbling on the flesh.

“You’re just plain stupid, on top of being a jerk.”

“Never denied the second. Call me stupid again, though, and I’ll have to make you beg for fucking mercy.”

Negan’s voice had that edge that indicated he was both joking and being serious at the same time. Rick huffed again and buried his head between his arms, groaning in agony as he fought the urge to rock his hips back into Negan’s fingers, or into the mattress to get some friction on his leaking cock. That’d just make the man draw it all longer and longer.

Negan kept his borderline sadistic pace for a few more minutes, kissing and nipping at Rick’s ass whenever he wasn’t whistling as if the task at hand wasn’t anything worth his full attention, and then he withdrew his fingers. Rick felt his hole flutter and gap at the sudden emptiness, and Negan chuckled before giving a peck at it, immediately getting on his knees afterwards.

Rick felt Negan’s hands clutching at his sides, and then he was being roughly flipped into his back as Negan grunted. Before Rick had time to adjust to his new position, Negan had already fumbled to straddle his chest, fingers around the base of his cock and pressing the tip against Rick’s closed lips, tracing them and smearing them with precome.

Negan shuddered at the friction against his head, and his voice was rough and husky when he raised his eyebrow and spoke. “Open up, baby boy.”

For a moment all Rick did was glare, but then, in a single second, he went from that to closing his mouth around the head and sucking down hard. Negan shivered and moaned, and when Rick let his teeth graze against the flesh, Negan answered by giving him a shaky, wide smile and grasping at his hair in warning so hard it made Rick gasp in pain.

Negan nodded in satisfaction when Rick immediately loosened his jaw, proceeding to rock his hips back and forth gently as Rick made up his previous behavior by accompanying Negan’s movements with swirls of his tongue and hollowing his cheeks. This didn’t please Negan for long, though, because soon enough he snapped his hips forward all the way without any sort of warning, pubes against Rick’s nose, dick all the way down.

As Negan had predicted, Rick had eventually taken control of his gag reflex. That didn’t mean his eyes didn’t widen at the suddenness of the movement or that his hands didn’t fly to Negan’s hips, fingers digging into them. He glared angrily at Negan when he composed himself a few seconds later, and the man answered by laughing and pressing Rick’s head even deeper into his hips.

Negan just let his dick stay there. Rick was alright with that and didn’t try any movements, just waiting for Negan to move back and let him breathe. However, the moment dragged on and on and Rick was starting to need air, but he still did nothing but wait. Only when his eyes were watering and he couldn’t hold on did he start giving Negan’s thigh quick, soft pats. Negan hummed, sounding amused, but a few seconds later he did retreat.

He outright laughed as Rick gasped for air and cleaned his chin of the drool that had fallen from his lips. He glared up at a smirking Negan.

“You’re an asshole.”

“Are you fucking sure those are the words that should be leaving those pretty lips of yours, honey?”

Rick raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Surely you don’t intend me to thank you for slipping your dick down my throat?”

Negan’s answer came in the form of a slap on Rick’s cheek, not strong enough to actually hurt him, but definitely to get the point across. Rick stayed frozen for a moment. He readjusted his jaw, rubbed his cheek, and glared in annoyance at the smirking man above him. The glare made Negan smirk even wider.

“I fucking intend that, and thank me you motherfucking will. I just slid my dick down your throat, what do you say now?” he questioned, pressing his tip against Rick’s lower lip.

Rick huffed, but bit back his scalding remark. He licked his lips slowly, and without breaking eye contact, muttered a feeble “Thank you.”

That seemed to be enough to Negan, who hopped to change his position and fell on Rick. The smaller man cringed a bit, but it was all gone because a second later Negan was kissing him deep and hungry, licking eagerly into his mouth. His leg pressed between Rick’s legs, making them spread apart, and rubbed against his dick.

“No thanks needed, Rick. I just can’t deny you anything” Negan muttered. Rick emitted a mix of snort and snicker, then closed his arms around Negan’s torso, feeling the wide muscles of his back and hooking a leg around his hips in time with Negan grinding onto him. Their kissing became more heated and messy as their grinding grew more and more desperate. At a given point, Negan drew back, trying to put some distance between them, but Rick whined and clung greedily to him. Negan smirked, sucking on his lower lip and he resorted to his hands to make Rick stay lying on the bed.

Negan came back in a handful of seconds, hand working the lube over his cock as he climbed back onto the bed. As soon as he had relocated himself back between Rick’s legs, the man raised them in order to let Negan catch them and place them around his hips. Negan leaned down to mouth messily at Rick’s neck, holding a fistful of his hair and moving his length teasingly over Rick’s crack as the other man panted and dragged his nails down Negan’s back.

“You’re a frisky fuck, you know that Rick? Keep that up and I’m gonna have to punish you.”

“You fucking love it.”

“I do” Negan gleefully admitted. “I fucking love putting you in your place too, though. Can have both, can’t I?”

Rick would have replied, but Negan chose that moment to line his dick up with Rick’s hole and push in, effectively depriving Rick of any air he might have had. Rick went wide-eyed and completely still, only for a second later close his eyes and try to relax in an attempt to adjust to the width suddenly inside him. Negan gave him a rest from his bullshit, instead caressing his cheek gently, regarding him with a warm, soft expression now that Rick couldn’t see it.

As soon as Rick was adjusted, though, the sardonic expression took its place again. Negan gave a few slow thrusts, and seeing that Rick could take it, quickly built up a quicker pace, moving fast and deep into Rick. Rick dragged him down and Negan complied, meeting his lips and kissing him open-mouthed, licking at his lips and nibbling on his chin.

Negan eventually moved back upwards, his eyes full of greed as they ran over the man under him. Rick saw him lick his lips like a wolf, give Rick that smile with his tongue poking out, and then Negan’s hand left Rick’s hip, choosing instead to caress his cheek. Rick accepted the thumb that pressed between his lips, sucking it in, and Negan laughed pleased before retreating his hand and slapping Rick’s cheek.

Negan’s thrusts didn’t stop then, but they did when Rick offered him a defying smirk and slapped him right back, twice as hard, once on each cheek. The man went still, lips forming a perfect round ‘o’ as he slowly looked back at Rick, eyes wide and dark. Rick raised his eyebrow, daring Negan to complain, and was ready to strike back if Negan slapped him again.

Instead, Negan muttered a husky “You’re too fucking much, Rick” and resumed his thrusting, faster and twice as hard as before, leaning down to kiss Rick’s lips, face, neck and shoulders with a bruising desperation. The headboard was slamming again and again against the wall, muting the sounds of Negan’s skin and balls slapping against Rick, their pleased moans and gasps. Rick’s mouth tasted of the sweat he kissed on Negan’s skin, and his dick was aching to be touched just like his prostate was being pounded in earnest.

Rick’s hand traveled down Negan’s body, fingertips brushing muscled chest and stomach until he found his dick and closed around it. As soon as he did so, Negan’s hand joined his, closing firmly over Rick’s and directing its movements, on sync with the ones of his hips. With his free arm, Rick clutched tightly onto Negan, face pressed against the crook of his neck, panting and moaning and gasping as his orgasm came closer and closer, hazing his mind with _yesgoodpleasemorepleasepleasemore_ , not even aware if he was actually saying it or not. Negan seemed to sense this, because he laughed softly and teasingly as he kissed Rick’s earlobe.

“How you holding up, gorgeous?”

Rick’s answer came in the form of his teeth sinking into Negan’s shoulder as he tried to muffle down his pleasured scream, body shaking and shaking as the heat that had taken over his body went beyond burning and he came over his and Negan’s chests. Negan hissed in pain - and Rick realized he had bit hard enough to tear the skin and taste a hint of blood - but if anything, all the pain did was make him move with even more desperation, grunting loudly with every thrust.

Rick wasn’t sure how long it took, too blissed to be aware of anything, but by the time he came back to his senses Negan was making a hoarse sound above him just before all his weight fell on top of Rick, moving out just in time for his semen to hit Rick’s ass instead of his inside. Negan panted heavily, eyes rolled into his skull as he moaned from the orgasm and tried to catch his breath. Rick chuckled and kissed his cheek, caressing his hair.

After a minute in which the silence was only interrupted by their heavy breathing, Negan echoed Rick’s chuckle, laughing against his lips as he kissed him lazily and rolled onto his side. He grinned up at him, satisfied, spent and cocky.

Negan’s hand toyed a bit with Rick’s hole, only to slip its way up his body, tracing his cock, catching on his bellybutton and teasing a nipple, all to reach Rick’s throat and close around it. There was no real pressure on the gesture, Rick inhaled and exhaled without trouble, but Negan’s fingertips dug at the sides, just deep enough to feebly hurt. Rick didn’t shy away from Negan’s gaze, didn’t try to get his hand off, choosing instead to place his hand over Negan’s and putting a tad more pressure. Their eyes remained fixed on the other’s, and in a matter of seconds the absent look on Negan’s face washed away, replaced with a wide grin that he pressed against the point where his thumb had been a second earlier.

“Why won’t you stay all day in bed with me?”

“Because I leave for Alexandria in an hour” Rick replied, rolling his eyes, and reached out to smack Negan’s ass. He tried to get up, but Negan’s arms snaked around his torso and pulled him back down, trapped against Negan’s firm chest, head under his chin.

“I don’t want you to go” he whispered, pressing a kiss against Rick’s head. “Stay with me.”

“Negan, you know I gotta go. You’re the one who put me in charge of the damn place to begin with.”  
“Well, now I’m telling you it’ll be alright if you spend this one day frolicking around in bed with your extremely handsome boss. It’s been almost three months since we got the place, they’ll manage to survive without catching glimpse of your fucking beautiful face. Or backside.”

Negan greedily kneaded Rick’s asscheeks as he spoke. Rick rolled his eyes, and in one quick movement he had Negan under him, hands pinned down at either side of his head. Negan happily accepted the change, eagerly opening his lips for a kiss Rick was offering, but as soon as they touched Rick pulled his head back with a cocky grin.

“I think I’m gonna be going anyway.”

There was something in Negan’s eyes, something dark and commanding, almost angry, but it was immediately washed away by a spark of amusement and delight. “You naughty bitch. You’re lucky I love it so much when you tell me to go fuck myself.” He closed his arms around Rick’s torso, roughly brought him down for the kiss he had been denied, and then let him go.

“Go ahead then, waste your day. There will be no problems there, but hey, your fucking damn call. Hope your ass is made of steel, though, because the moment you get back here I’m gonna kidnap you to this room and make the fuck up for all the sweet fucking we’ll have missed. I’m gonna fuck your ass so good, like a blacksmith slamming his hammer into his anvil.”

“Whatever you say, Negan.” Rick rolled his eyes and got up. By the time he was dressed, Negan was hard again, stroking himself as he shamelessly told Rick how much he missed him already. Rick snorted and promised to be back soon.

-0-o-0-o-0-

“There’s a problem here, Rick” Michonne mused, arms crossed and brow furrowed in frustration as she regarded her friend.

“I can see that” he replied in a dry tone, not any more pleased than her, as his eyes trailed over the pantry.

Which was empty. Absolutely empty. Rick had made a point of not touching Alexandria’s food supplies, especially since Michonne and the others had decided to settle there, and now it was all gone. Rick blinked at it a couple more times in the off chance that all the cans would suddenly materialize back in front of him, but there was no such luck. His scowl deepened and he turned to Michonne.

“And you say Gabriel has gone missing, too.”

“Aha. It was his watch, and the next thing anyone knows is that he and the food are gone.” Rick raised his eyebrows incredulously and Michonne’s lips twitched in a hint of amusement. “He’s been more awake, lately. He actually does things around here.”

Rick snorted, shaking his head with an amused expression, but soon went back to seriousness. “Either way, he hasn’t got enough guts to take all of it and go. He wouldn’t if he did have them, either, he’s not stupid enough to think he can last on his own out there. No, there’s something else going on here.”

“I thought so too” Michonne agreed with a short nod. She reached into her pocket and offered Rick a paper. He took it and saw that it was a Bible page with the word ‘BOAT’ written on it over the letters of the Genesis. He glanced curiously at Michonne. “We were scavenging on a boat in the middle of a lake last week, Aaron says he thought he saw someone spying on us for a second. We would’ve gone right away, but I knew you were coming. I’d feel better if you came along.”

“Don’t even doubt it, Michonne” Rick assured, snorting as he thought that Negan had wanted him to stay in bed. ‘There will be no problems there’, he’d said, and now Rick was being told about what sounded dangerously like a potential new group being hostile towards them. No big fucking deal, sure.

But hey, he’d come back home to tell Negan they had another community to put under their control. That was something.

Gabriel couldn’t wait for Rick and Negan to plan this and do something, though, and definitely neither could the food. With the food the Alexandrians had at their houses they could last a week at most. Bigger-scale things would take longer, but Rick had to do something about this right now. He gave the matter less than a minute of thought and then he made up his mind.

“Let’s go to this lake, then.”

Both Rick and Michonne agreed that it’d be best not to take a group too big, if only because it’d be best for mobility and stealth; if they saw they needed more, that way they could always come back with more people. Therefore, other than Michonne and himself, Rick chose to bring along Maggie, Rosita and Sasha. To Rick’s surprise, Aaron offered to go with them as well. Rick accepted, after being assured by Maggie that he knew how to handle himself, and afterwards she explained that Aaron had taken to talking to her often. Therefore he had a more relatively accepting and cooperative approach to the whole situation than most of Alexandria, even if he wasn’t on board with the arrangement.

That made Rick smile. He had liked Aaron, back when he first went to Alexandria, and the thought of having him as an enemy hadn’t been a pleasant one. Maybe others would try to accept them, too. Rick didn’t like most of them, but he didn’t wish to be their enemy, either. All he wanted was peace, and he’d have it through violence only if he had to.

It didn’t take too long to get to the lake; they were there in little more than an hour and a half. Rick briefly glanced at the boat in the middle of the lake and the walkers floating in the water they’d probably had to avoid to get to it, but soon his attention was redirected towards where Aaron said to have spotted someone the other day. Certainly, once close enough they saw footprints in the mud, so he nodded at the others and went in the direction the path seemed to lead to.

The scenery around them eventually changed, the trees gone and the green more scarce. There were urban structures in sight, a few small buildings, and ahead of them the road gave way to a concrete yard. Rick’s eyes were sharp as he advanced, attentive to anything that might give away human presence.

And then, a woman appeared before him. She was pale and little, face expressionless as she approached. Rick scowled and immediately raised his gun at her. She did stop, but she appeared unfazed, not doing more than blink blankly.

“Who are you?” Rick asked, voice calm and strong. The woman didn’t react in any way, so he tried again. “Are you on your own?”

Still no response. Rick’s scowl deepened and he tilted his gun, about to take a step forward. Before he could, Maggie called his attention with a tap on his shoulder; he turned around to see that a large, large amount of people, all wearing the same blank faces, were closing around them. When he faced back to the woman, she too had gained company and resumed her march.

“Lower your guns” he instructed to his group. “There’s too many of them, we won’t scare them into anything. Better avoid conflict.”

It took some moments, but eventually they complied, some more reluctant than others. In a matter of seconds the group had closed around them and they stopped moving, staring and blinking and blank. Rick held his breath, waited for some sort of reaction, but nothing came. He tightened his grip on his gun, just in case these people did try to attack.

“We’re not looking for trouble, we’re just looking for one of ours. Who are you people?”

Still nothing. For a moment, Rick and the woman he had first seen stared into one another’s eyes until she stepped forward and grabbed his arm, pulling at it. Rick didn’t move and she tried again.

“Follow.”

Rick let out a skeptical snort, but he ended up following the woman, eyes inspecting the people that parted to let them pass. His grip on his gun tightened further. These people felt downright weird, and Rick didn’t dismiss the chance of an attack coming, at which point trying to get out of this peacefully would be no use.

The sensation of bafflement only increased when they were led into a junkyard, which seemed to operate as their base instead of one of the various buildings Rick had seen on the area. That was before they started walking around them in some sort of circular figure, leaving Rick’s group to gather in the center, bewildered and alarmed stares taking it in. However, it was only when their weapons were taken from them under the threat of at least twice as many weapons that Rick started to really panic.

After everyone stopped moving, a woman approached, apparently the leader if the way she asked whether Rick was the one in charge was anything to go by. Had circumstances been different, Rick would have probably tried a certain diplomacy in his approach, but as he was, on edge and menaced, he jumped into aggression.

“I don’t know who you are” he snarled at her the moment she stood in front of him, “and honestly, I don’t care. Believe me when I tell you that if you know what’s best for you, you’re gonna give us our guns and let us go.”

The woman looked Rick up and down, brow furrowed in a mix of scorn and confusion, as if what Rick said didn’t make complete sense to her.

“You come here armed, we react accordingly. You threaten us, we’ll react accordingly too.”

Rick wasn’t impressed by the retort. He gritted his teeth and stepped forward, chest filled and eyes angry. The woman seemed to only vaguely notice it, tilting her head a bit and narrowing her eyes just slightly.

“We wouldn’t have come into your territory if you hadn’t taken one of our people. Our food, too. Give it all back right now and this’ll be over, we leave and no trouble for any of us. How does that sound?”

“You took things from the boat. We wanted it, we were waiting. You took from us, we followed, took from you. It’s useful, we’ll give it back if you can be useful other ways.”

“We _won’t_ be useful, that’s not how things work with us” Rick grunted, scowl deepening. His voice gave away no doubt; they _could_ be useful, but they wouldn’t, they refused to. She blinked, as in confusion, before shrugging.

“We kill you then.”

Although his first instinct was to punch her in the face, Rick’s eyes widened and he took a step back. He licked his lips nervously as he took in what was around him. There were at least thirty blank, unsettling faces directed at them, as well as at least fifteen guns. Behind him, his family was sticking together, angry and ready to fight, but careful. They trusted him to make the best decision. Any attempt at violence would end up badly for them, so he’d have to try something else.

“You should be aware we’re not alone” he started, voice firm and daring. “And we don’t belong to ourselves. We belong to Negan. We’re all Negan. He has more soldiers, resources and weapons that you can ever dream to have, and losing even just one will make him rage down on whoever’s to blame for it. Believe me, he’ll find you if we don’t go back, and then you’ll wish to have listened to me. You put a hand on me and you’re gonna regret it. It’s not a threat, it’s a fact.”

In that moment, out the corner of his eye, Rick saw a man walk into the group, a handcuffed Gabriel being pushed in front of him. Gabriel’s scared, but oddly serene face landed on Rick, and his doubts were replaced by gratitude the second Rick nodded reassuringly at him.

“So you give us Gabriel, give us what you took, and we leave to never come back.”

Which was a lie. Even if the community proved to be of no interest to Negan, they were clearly unstable and close enough to their territory to be a problem. As soon as it was possible Rick would take enough soldiers to be safe and come back. It was likely Negan would like to be present to see him make them submit, he thought with a brief smirk.

Yes, it was a lie, but Rick didn’t think the woman noticed it. The silence that settled, the way she regarded him, was something other than doubt. Rick felt his breathing going thick, his mouth dry, and his skin start to sweat as he waited to see if she decided to kill them all, until she shrugged again.

“You can go if you impress. Prove you’re a threat.”

The next thing Rick knew was that he was being hauled to the top of a trash hill. He told his family to stay calm when they tried to pull him back, and followed the woman silently until they stopped at the top. He glared into her unconcerned eyes, she smiled slightly - the first trace of any emotion in any of them - and then Rick was being thrown down.

“Rick!”

“I’m fine, Michonne! I’m fine.” Rick groaned a little as he pulled himself up. He had definitely hit something metallic on his way down. He glared at the woman, a menacing figure on top, after which he went to an opening in the wall of trash through which Michonne was looking, worry clear in her face. “Don’t worry, I’ll handle whatever this is, alright?”

That was when he heard the growl. His heart skipped a beat, he turned around, and-

_Oh my god, did they put armor on a walker?_

-0-o-0-o-0-

Rick gasped as he stepped forward, his legs giving in and making him collapse. Had Michonne and Maggie not been there to catch him, he’d have hit the ground. He was vaguely aware that Michonne’s words, as well as the others’, were of panicked concern, but he was shaking too much, the blood too low on his ears, and the pain too intense, for him to be as much as moderately aware of them.

He looked at his hand. Or rather, what had once been his hand. Now there was a gash on it, piercing through it from being impaled on one of the walker’s blades, before it moved too harshly and too fast for Rick to react. His hand could have been just pierced. Instead, the wound moved up, and now his hand was split in two, two fingers on one side, three on the other one, bone out to be seen and blood flowing freely down his arm as Rick tried to understand that what he saw was actually a part of his body.

Michonne and Aaron grabbed him each by one side and helped him back on his feet - when had he fallen down to the ground? The woman - _oh, if he wasn’t being held back he would go and fucking kill her right then, right there -_ was talking, but Rick was too busy planning her death to hear it. Gabriel was sent towards them, no food in sight, and then he was being dragged away.

The pain was too intense. Every little movement had the two parts of his hand moving and sending him into a pained cry. The blood kept flowing, leaving a trail behind him. His head felt light, very light, so very light, and then…

-0-o-0-o-0-

“Rick? Oh fucking fuck, Rick.”

Negan’s voice was coming from his left, Rick knew that, and it was very close, even if it echoed like it was coming from the opposite end of a very long tunnel. However, as he kept speaking, the sound became clearer and clearer.

“- said you were waking up I left every damn thing I was doing and came here. God, you had me worried sick, you little shit. You’re not allowed to pull this shit, you hear me? Fuck, fuck, the fuck am I saying? Not your fault. Shit, I just… I’m worried, alright?”

“Don’t worry, I’m used to your curses, you fucking idiot.”

Rick’s words were slow and dragged, his mouth felt sort of thick, but he managed to pull a small chuckle. Slowly, he blinked and groaned as he waited for his eyes to get used to the light of the room. He looked at his side and smiled at Negan, only for his expression to freeze when he saw the tired, sad, but simultaneously relieved expression on his face. Negan wasn’t usually that open with how he felt, didn’t wear it so plainly unless it was cruel glee or anger, although that had changed a bit over the last months. Rick blinked, confused, and then he noticed he wasn’t on their room. It was the clinic.

“What the-”

And then it hit him. His body jerked violently and a cursing Negan put him back down, but Rick had already seen what he needed. Instead of a hand, what ended his right arm was a set of bandages under which the shape of a stump was undeniable. Rick remained cool for five seconds, and then he started shaking again.

Negan was at his side in an instant, for once choosing to not talk, instead putting his arm around Rick’s shoulders, bringing him close comfortingly as he peppered kisses and more kisses to his temple, hushing him soothingly. Rick barely felt any of it.

He tried to talk, but there was something in his throat, big and heavy and oppressive, that stopped the air from getting out. His breathing had stopped altogether, he realized, and he had to force himself to consciously take air in and out until the pressure was light enough for him to try again.

“Tell me what happened” he asked hoarsely.

Negan sighed heavily at his side. He kissed Rick’s temple one more time and went back to his chair, holding Rick’s remaining hand between his. Rick winced at the sensation and Negan seemed to sense it, because he let Rick have his hand back.

“Doc says that maybe we could’ve tried to sew it together and hope to goddamn lord almighty it worked, but it was infected. Hell, you didn’t need to be a doctor to see it. It looked fucking nasty, full of dirt and shit and pus, no wonder with all that junkyard shit. He cut it off almost as soon as you came in.”

It wasn’t the first time Rick appreciated Negan’s bluntness, but this time, the rush of bitter gratitude was specially intense. Things were as they were, and anyone else would have tried to go soft about it. Not Negan. The sooner Rick got hit, the sooner he’d accept it.

“You’ve been out less than a day, twenty hours” Negan went on. He cracked a weak, small smile and nudged Rick’s leg. “You got up fast, huh? You strong bastard. Judy isn’t that much aware of what’s going on, Carl’s so pissed I’m afraid he’s gonna machine gun the next poor fucker who tells him it’ll be alright. He’s waiting outside right now, but I wanted to be the first to see you. Sorry.”

Negan had a sort of sheepish half-smile on his face, as if apologizing. Rick shook his head and spread out his hand, which Negan immediately took and squeezed, raising it to his lips to kiss. The attention on his single hand made Rick wince again, but he didn’t want it back this time; instead, he clung tighter to Negan.

“It’s alright. I probably need to fully process this before he comes in all freaked out.” Rick attempted to chuckle, but it came up short and weak. He sighed and cast his eyes down. “What about the others?”

Negan sighed deeply too. “Your guys are waiting to see you and I’m afraid they’re gonna fucking kick that door down if I don’t let them in soon. Damn eager they are. The Alexandria squad’s right here too, they refuse to go home until they see you’re alright. Came here right away and told me what happened. I’m gonna give them supplies to last for a while, but it ain’t gonna be necessary.”

Negan’s eyes had been soft and worried until now, but then they narrowed, became dark and stormy at the same time Negan snarled. His hold on Rick’s hand tightened to the point it almost hurt.

“They’re all thirsty for blood, Rick, and hell, so am I. Michonne’s became the president of the ‘let’s make this bitch pay’ club and I’m fucking in. The second I leave this room we’re gonna get shit done, she and me. You’ll have the trash queen’s head on a plate by tomorrow morning, or you get to shove the hot iron up my ass.”

“No!” Rick yelled, sitting up brusquely as his hand grasped Negan’s wrist as hard as he could. At Negan’s startled raised eyebrows, he breathed deeply, forced himself to calm down. “Don’t go after them.”

Negan’s brow furrowed in utter confusion before it was replaced by a derisive snarl.

“If you think this is gonna pass as some goddamn martyrdom on your part, you-”

“Oh, don’t be an idiot” Rick cut, rolling his eyes. He raised his stump for Negan to see. “Look at this. You think I can fight with this? It’s gonna take me months to get used to it, and the day we burn them all down, I’m gonna be there.”

Rick was fully aware of the furious, hateful rage burning under his voice, and when Negan’s face morphed into a pleased, although just as furious, smirk, he knew Negan could feel it too.

“You got a damn brilliant point there, Rick. You deserve to see their fucking brains on the ground more than anyone else. You got it, we’re gonna wait. I hate the fuck out of it, but we’re gonna wait. Just because you asked me in that sexy voice.”

“Thank you” Rick sighed, sagging onto his bed. He wasn’t sure Negan would be willing to have the patience that Rick was asking of him, but now that it was clear, he let the rage slip away and went back to the tiredness and frustration. When he spoke again, the fire in his voice had given way to bitter, weak ashes. “There will be blood for this.”

He felt Negan’s hand on his chin, tilting his head up. He met Negan’s eyes, fixed on him as if he was the only thing in the whole universe worth paying attention to. Their lips came closer until Negan’s were moving softly over Rick’s, gentle and caring and careful, his hands caressing Rick’s cheeks lovingly. When they separated, he rested his forehead against Rick’s, as if he was scared to stop touching him.

“You bet on it, baby. For this, they’re gonna fucking pay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY NOT SORRY


	10. The calm before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick wants revenge for what’s happened to him. Before that, though, he has to overcome the fact that now he’s missing a hand.

Rick groaned in frustration. He gritted his teeth, breathing deep immediately after to not lose his cool and focus. Once he deemed himself calm enough he tried again; he raised his gun, fixed his eyes on the mark - the typical empty cans - , gave himself a few seconds to aim correctly, and shot. He didn’t even come close this time either. He repressed the need to scream, eased the tension gathering in his neck and jaw, and tried again, using his stump to support his remaining hand. Another shot, another failure.

His attempt at keeping his cool failed this time. He could practically feel the gun laughing at him, and oh no, no inanimate object was gonna screw with him again. Rick screamed to himself behind tightly-gritted teeth, put the safe on the gun and threw it away, as far away from himself as he could. He turned around before he even saw it hit the floor, pacing, cursing to himself and running his hand through his hair. His _only_ hand. His left hand.

Could he still consider himself ‘right-handed’, now that he had no right hand? He stared bitterly at the still-bandaged stump that had once been the hand he used for basically everything. Doctor Carson had advised against getting out of the clinic just yet, little more than a week after his seriously infected hand had been amputated, and had all but forbidden Rick from doing anything that could be considered physical effort. Still, he couldn’t stand the thought of just continuing lying down and be useless to everyone and himself.

Even as he felt himself go a tad dizzy and rested against the wall while he waited for it to go away, he thought that no one was gonna keep him in bed. Not the doctor, not Negan, not his friends, not his son. He was too full of anger to do nothing about it. In the two days he had been out of bed he felt significantly less anxious and restless than before.

But it was… Tiring. Having to deal with not being able to shoot with a gun properly, having problems dressing himself, needing to accept help for eating. Feeling that he could only grasp his son's shoulders when they embraced half as much as he could before. Seeing the curiosity and concern on his daughter’s eyes when she didn’t get that no, Judy, the hand won’t grow back like hair. Being too clumsy just yet to feel like he could comb her hair or feed her with the ease he used to have before.

It wasn’t just that the hand he used for everything was gone. It was that now he was realizing that he used his support hand more than he had realized. To support the gun, to hold both knife and fork, to carry more things than a single hand could. He felt like he could do nothing now.

And then there were these instances when his brain rejected all his attempts at rationalizing with himself and made himself feel a searing pain that made him wish he still had a hand, just so he could cut it off and make the pain go away.

He could do nothing about it. And he would still be useless if he remained doing nothing to change that. Enough rest. He went in search of his gun, cursing himself for his short fuse; frustration and impatience wouldn’t lead him anywhere. He needed to improve. He needed to be able to _kill_.

He thought of that woman - the one psychotic enough to _put armor on a motherfucking walker and keep it around_. She had thrown him to his potential death and hadn’t as much as blinked, as if it was all an hypothetical thing she didn’t quite get yet. Rick’s right hand would have turned into a fist as he thought of how much he wanted all of them dead. When he was given the chance, he’d be so vicious Negan would talk about it for years.

He picked up his gun, a small smile on his face now at the thought. Yeah, he needed to recover if he wanted to make her pay. He aimed carefully and shot, shot again and again, as many times as it took.

He kept missing. He kept trying.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

If Rick wasn’t working on going back to being self-sufficient again, which took almost every waking second he had, then he was resting in order to go back to his training. As of right now, after having spent all morning improving on his aiming and working on his close combat skills with Carol - who had simply not allowed him to say ‘no’ to her kind offer - and having cleaned himself up, Rick lied on his bed, eyes closed as he allowed out of himself the tower of tension built up with each bullet that missed the mark and each hit that didn’t reach his opponent.

He was tired, he was relaxed, he was on a nice bed, and Judith was fast asleep. Rick had a feeling he’d have to fight the need to take a nap of his own if he wanted to be back to training on the schedule he’d made for himself.

He opened his eyes when he heard the door open. He saw his son, waved at him with right arm out of habit, and smiled faintly at him. Then he went back to how he was before, head sunk in the pillow, so deep in the soothing darkness his eyelids provided that he didn’t notice Carl was approaching him until he felt the boy’s weight making the mattress sink beside his feet.

Rick put his eyes on Carl again. Their gazes met for a second, before the boy hastily looked down at his hands sitting on his lap, the right one holding tightly the left one as if they’d start twisting nervously otherwise. Rick gave the hint of a smile and sat up, trying to put on his reassuring dad face as his fingers found his son’s shoulder and gripped it tightly, shaking him a bit.

“Anything on your mind?” he asked good-naturedly. Carl met his gaze briefly before looking away again and shrugging, trying to take weight off the already awkward conversation.

“I, huh, I guess, yeah.”

Rick waited for ten seconds and then raised his eyebrow.

“Contrary to what you might believe, a mind-reading starter kit doesn’t come in the mail the day you become a parent” he teased in a light tone, feeling a chuckle bubble up from his mouth. Nothing like a little bit of teen awkwardness to lighten up the mood.

Carl huffed and swatted his hand away, but gave an awkward smile when Rick put it back in place. He looked ahead, but Rick didn’t say anything, because this time it looked like his son was actually trying to find the words instead of stalling, twisting his lips and brow creased in concentration.

“Do you, em, do you remember that time you wanted to comfort me over losing my eye and told me it didn’t make me weak?” he finally mustered, with that teen attempt at making it look like he wasn’t nervous as hell about what he said. Rick’s fingers dug a tad deeper into his shoulder for a fraction of a second, before a wave of fondness, gratitude and affection washed over him, making his hand go loose and his face soften as much as if he was having a peaceful dream.

“Yeah, I do” he answered, feeling a smile so wide take over his lips his eyes were almost shut.

Carl fidgeted where he sat, and Rick had the sensation he wanted to both lean closer to comfort him and move away to avoid physical contact with the aversion that only teenagers could muster.

“Well. Huh, that.”

What a great example of teen eloquence.

A straight up laughter rose from the depths of Rick’s lungs and filled the room. He hooked his arm around his son’s shoulders before Carl had time to run away, and drew him in to put a kiss on his hair. Carl grumbled moodily, or at least that was what he pretended, because he didn’t complain when Rick just held him close for a little while.

Rick didn’t want the quiet, concern free moment to end. Carl eventually pulled away, though, his share of parental contact of the week filled. He had the good graces of letting Rick see him smile, though.

“Thank you, Carl.”

Carl’s smile grew an inch wider as he shrugged. “Sure.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Rick could feel the smile that tugged at his lips, and for once, it didn’t disappear one second or two later. In fact, it lasted from the moment he declared his training over for the day to now, when he was stepping into the shower, and he had a feeling it’d still be there for a while.

It had been two weeks since he got up from the hospital bed, and he felt like he was improving at giant steps. Soon enough he’d be practicing on fast moving targets, and Carol deemed his physical progress good enough.

He allowed himself a little bit extra time on the shower, just rewarding his body with a few more minutes under the steady flow of water. He even hummed absently as he uncapped the soap, poured some of it on his shoulder, and spread it through his body. He took note to shave soon, looking at his reflection on the mirror once he was dry and cozy in clean clothes. Despite his lack of hand, the desire he sometimes felt to smash his unexisting first into the wall until it bled, and the times he woke up at night with a scream feeling like his hand was torn apart all over again, he found that he had, more or less, slipped back into normalcy.

And just as he was pondering on that, he walked out of the bathroom to find Negan on his room, resting on his hands and knees on the floor while Judith sat on his shoulders tugging at his hair to tell him to go one way or the other. She was laughing, a sound like angels’ music, and Negan grinned widely as he obeyed, on the verge of laughing himself.

Rick thought of the last a similar scenario had happened, his first morning in the Sanctuary, and was overwhelmed by how different things were now.

One change was that this time he didn’t have to call for their attention. Judith’s eyes, all around the place, spotted him, and she let out a delighted ‘ _daddy!_ ’ as she directed her makeshift horse towards him. Negan’s eyes shone, but he only gave Rick a smirk as he crawled towards him, close enough for Rick to take an awaiting Judith into his arms, careful so that his right one was only for support.

“Hey, baby girl” he greeted softly, adoring smile on his face as he kissed her curls. “You having fun?”

The girl squealed, voice kind of clumsy, yet to be fully used to using proper words but making up for it with sheer excitement. “Yes! Negan is my pet!”

Rick chuckled and gave Negan an amused look. The man, sitting on the floor, raised his eyebrow, mockingly daring him to say anything.

“What, you’re not coming out in all your shirtless glory this time? Talk about a disappointment” he mused, as if attempting to avoid Rick’s incoming comment. It didn’t work.

“The people out there are scared of you, y’know. If only they saw you.”

Negan rolled his eyes. “I’m a committed dad, fucking sue me.”

Rick’s heart skipped one beat or two or three. His breath stopped for five seconds before his brain whispered, _he says shit he doesn’t mean all the time, don’t fucking read too much into it._

Judith chose that moment to decide that tugging at Rick’s curls wasn’t entertaining enough anymore, because she started squirming and saying she wanted to go down. Negan seemed to have caught on on the small crisis he had just put Rick into, because any joking had disappeared from his face leaving awkwardness behind. He silently took Judith from Rick and got her close to the paper sheets and pencils for her to make colourful shapeless drawings. By the time he got back to his feet, both of them had managed to push the moment to the back of their minds.

That was a conversation that still needed some time to get ready anyway.

Negan smiled faintly at Rick and patted the couch when he sat down, indicating him to follow suit. Rick obeyed, and once he was settled in, Negan’s hand landed gently on his thigh, rubbing and massagging as if he wanted to squeeze all of Rick’s worries away.

“You haven’t come to our room since you lost your hand, baby” he started with an uncharacteristic softness.

Rick squirmed nervously. “This is my room.”

“You know what I mean.”

Truth be told, this room had slowly become simply the kids’ room. Rick still slept there every now and then, and he was usually back early enough to be there for when Judith woke up, but more often than not he slept in Negan’s bed, tangled between his arms. Over half his clothes had eventually ended up in Negan’s room, too, and Negan would usually joke about holding them hostage to have Rick come back to his arms. It was nice. It was good.

Rick had been avoiding Negan’s room lately, though. He’d been avoiding Negan altogether.

Negan’s hand slipped up, coming around Rick’s shoulders and dragging him in close.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Rick.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about, Negan.”

“Rick, have you not gotten the memo that I’m hung over the moon for you? I notice everything. You know how it goes, every step you take I’ll be watching you.”

Rick couldn’t help a laugh, giving Negan an amused look.

“Were you going for romantic? That’s a stalker song, you know, not the best choice you could’ve made.”

Negan rolled his eyes, accompanying the gesture with a wide sway of his head. Rick laughed, but it died down in a matter of seconds, making him go silent and pensive instead. He gave a deep sigh.

“I just have too much on my mind right now, y’know? Don’t wanna sour your mood” he mused lamely. At this point, he knew Negan well enough to be able to feel the skepticism roll off him in waves.

“Do I look fucking stupid to you, Rick? Maybe I do, which would break my goddamn heart. Your opinion is important to me, you know. But see, the point is I’m very fucking far from being stupid, and I can see there’s something you aren’t telling me. Last time you hid something from me a piece of shit’s head ended up in Tara’s cereal bowl. Do we gotta go over that again?”

Rick winced inwardly, suddenly feeling stupid for what he’d been doing lately. The concern he heard on this man, the one who was able to kill and be giddy about it just to stroke Rick’s cheek like a treasure the next moment, would have that effect on him. Sighing, he let himself slip down and settle his head on Negan’s lap, eyes on the ceiling as Negan played absently with his curls.

“I was avoiding you because of this” he explained, offering up his uncomplete arm. ”Thought it wouldn’t be the most desirable thing, that you’d prefer to fuck your wives rather than me. Thought you’d find me boring now, too, ‘cause I can’t fight like I did before. Guessed I wouldn’t have to face it if I didn’t face you.”

There was a short silence. Rick risked a quick glance at Negan, nervous about what he’d find, and was met with a soft expression, eyes half-lidded and lips curled up in a feeble smile.

“Turns out your head’s full of shit rather than brains. Ain’t that a surprise.” Negan grabbed Rick’s hair and shook him up a little, too soft in his playfulness for it to hurt. His other hand held Rick’s cheek, and Rick felt himself go loose as he nuzzled into it. “You think you’re any less of a badass just because you lost a hand? Damn, Rick, you’re tough as fucking nails. You’re at the top of the badass food chain here, second to me of course. You’re the most awesome fucker I’ve ever seen, do you really think something as dumb as a missing hand makes my dick any less hard for you?”

“Language” Rick grunted. “Judy’s right there.”

He couldn’t produce any heat to back up his words, though, mostly because of the huge, relieved smile that had appeared on his lips. He felt like laughing, so he did just that as Negan made him sit up and drew him in for a hungry, deep, slow kiss. Negan’s hand fisted around his hair as Rick’s did the same on Negan’s shirt.

“I’ve missed you” Negan breathed hotly against his lips. “Wanna make up for the lost time. Wanna make you feel more wanted than a candy in a room full of children eating spinach. ‘Property of Negan’, tattooed all across this pretty chest of yours, what do you think?” Negan almost giggled when he saw Rick silently judging him. “What, not a good idea? What if I get an ‘Owner of Rick’ tattoo to match? That sweeten the deal?”

Rick pushed Negan’s face away, both of them chuckling. Negan was an idiot, but he had managed to do what he wanted; Rick was relaxed. The thought of intimacy with Negan made him excited rather than insecure now. He moved away, but only after giving Negan one last kiss.

“Not now. I’ll see you tonight, after Judith’s gone to bed.”  
“Make me wait too long and I’ll have to punish you” Negan promised as he stood up, ready to go on with his duties. It took him a bit longer to stop kissing Rick and actually get out of the room.

One of the many weights on Rick’s stomach was lifted when he watched  Negan go after giving him one last grin.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

“You sure about it, Rick?”

Rick nodded, face forming a scowl. His arms were crossed and his eyes gave room to no argument. “It’s been long enough, don’t you think? Alexandria is my responsibility, it’s about time I go back.”

The trucks were ready to go, the only thing needed was for them to get the order to move. Rick stood near the gate, scowling at Simon, Carol beside them silently watching the exchange. Simon gave him an evaluating look. Rick knew that the man couldn’t see him any less strong, firm or sure of himself than he had been a few months ago. Of course, Simon’s eyes stopped briefly on his still-bandaged arm.

“You know it’s alright if you still want me to go in your place, right? Look, you’ve been getting better, no denying that, but you still got some of the way to go.”

Rick understood Simon’s doubts, and he didn’t really hold them against him. After he woke up, Rick had asked both the man and Carol to take over for him on the Alexandria pickups - at Rick’s request, Negan had given them a couple weeks to recover from the utter lack of supplies the trash people had so kindly given them, but symbolic presence had still been necessary and things had been back on track for a while now.

Rick hadn’t wanted the people he had subdued to see him as weak, and bitter as the thought made him, weak was what he had been lately. Now, though, he felt a push in him that said not to stay away from the place anymore.

“I said I’m sure, Simon.”

“Those bandages are gonna be gone by next week, you don’t wanna wait for that?”

“Him staying away will make them think we’re actually weak” Carol cut in, voice steely, stern gaze on Simon. “Michonne and the others are doing a good job of keeping the place quiet, but they need to see that Rick’s strong. Seeing him before any of them would expect will make the impression stronger. We understand and appreciate your concern, but as you can see, we don’t need it.”

“Alright, alright!” Simon huffed, raising his hands and taking a step back. “I’ll shut up. The truck’s all yours.”

He made a gesture for the vehicle. Carol smirked faintly to herself, nodded at him and got in the driver’s seat. Rick smirked amused.

“Scary, huh?”

“No kidding, man, that lady scares the hell out of me” Simon chuckled. He gave Rick another quick once over, seemingly liked what he saw, and gave Rick a friendly grin. “Good luck there.”

“I don’t need it, but thank you.”

Simon huffed a laugh and patted his shoulder, and then they were on their way. Rick appreciated Carol’s choice to stay silent as she drove, letting him look out the window and get lost in his thoughts. Truth was, he really felt just as confident as he had let Simon see, and that surprised him. He had expected some anxiety to shake him up at least a little bit inside, but the closest thing he felt was the clatter of the truck under him. And yeah, maybe it was because Alexandria was fully under control and there was no real reason for nerves, but wasn’t it good that he was able to feel this confident?

He still chose to remain aloof, though, at least where some people were concerned. When they were met at the gate, he returned Deanna’s startled expression with a raised eyebrow and a question of whether she had hoped to have gotten rid of him. He answered her questions about his state dryly and shortly, and only when the Alexandrians were gone did he relax his expression and shrug unashamedly in response to Michonne’s good-natured judging stare about his behavior towards Deanna.

“Gotta keep appearances, you know.”

“Negan’s theatrics have really rubbed off on you, haven’t they?” Maggie commented, smirking teasingly as she approached them walking down the street. Rick chose to ignore her concerned gaze for now and just chuckled.

“Guess they did.”

The day turned out to be uneventful. Rick spent half an hour giving a look at how Alexandria was doing with their pantry and keeping an eye on his men, but other than that, it turned out to be a social visit more than anything. He spent most of his time having tea with what he still thought of as his family, the part of it that lived in Alexandria, catching up with them and assuring them that no, Carol didn’t lie for your peace of mind, I really am alright. Even Gabriel, who had undergone some change of heart and his aversion for Rick’s violence had given way to gratitude and respect, joined them.

He talked to them with normalcy, he led his Saviors, and when Rick barked at Spencer to leave him alone when the younger tried to flatter him it made the younger man shut up just as much as it had before. All of it made Rick feel confident.

As they headed back, he thought about how grim things had looked little more than a month ago, and about how everything was falling into place now.

It was surprising that the problem came at the Sanctuary. Rick was chatting idly with Carol as they supervised the supplies being carried inside when he saw a guy approaching. He rolled his eyes and groaned; it was a friend of Jared, and he was the same brand of asshole as Jared. He really wasn’t in the mood to deal with the shit he might bring up. He never was in the mood, actually, but still.

They guy came close, silently watched as the supplies were unloaded, and then tilted his head at Rick.

“I’m surprised they didn’t laugh at your face and tell you to come back with jackshit. I mean, who respects someone who cannot fight anymore? I don’t even know why we do that here. Oh, right, you’re Negan’s little bitch. I didn’t know that gave you a free pass in Alexandria too.” He spat on the floor. “I’m not working for a little bastard like you to put his ass in the air for the boss and benefit from it.”

Rick considered letting Carol do what she was immediately going to do, but he put his hand on her shoulder when she went ahead to doubtlessly make him regret his words. He smoothed his furious snarl into an easy smile that he offered the woman. The he took a few steps ahead towards the guy. He realized some of the men had taken notice and were watching. Good.

He offered the little bastard the same smile he had given Carol and tilted his head.

“So you think that now that I’m handless I’m not someone worth respecting, is that it?” he asked with pure, almost childish curiosity. His smile widened.

And before he could get a reply, Rick kicked him on the groin. As the guy fell to the floor, Rick grabbed his knife barely slower than if it had been his right hand, knelt down, and stabbed the man on the shoulder. He didn’t bat an eyelash at the scream and punctured deeply all the way down to the man’s hand.

He calmly stood up, ignoring the screams and sobs. He cleaned the knife on his own shirt - he had to clean it already anyway - and put it away. He kicked the man onto his back and stepped on his arm, putting his weight on it and drawing more screams.

“Use your brain next time, if you have any” he commented casually. “Being Negan’s bitch doesn’t mean I can’t kill you if I want. I’ll make sure to tell him you can’t fight a man with a single hand. Let’s see if you’re still a Savior after that.”

He turned around, absently told Carol to make sure the man didn’t bleed out, and made his way inside to clean up, spend some time with his kids, and be Negan’s little bitch.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

One of the problems with Rick asking Negan to wait for him to be ready to attack the junkyard was that Negan couldn’t list patience as one of his many virtues. He could do just fine with his routine usually, but now that there was something looming on the horizon, that he had thirst for justice running in his veins and being unable to do anything about it, Negan was beginning to become restless. It was plainly obvious in the way he lost his temper at his men more easily; how his sex drive was even higher that usual, which Rick would have thought was impossible; how when he lied in bed, spent and satisfied, his fingers would drum on the mattress non-stop; how he joined Rick’s training, working the tension off as they struggled on the floor for the upper hand.

Just a little longer, Rick would tell him, only for Negan to curse at himself, realizing he was letting his impatience show, and reassure his lover that Rick’d be the one to decide when the attack would take place.

It was a sign of all the activity going on under Negan’s skin that one day he announced out of sudden that he was going on a pickup to one of the communities. In all the time he had been there, Rick might have seen Negan go do the job himself three times. He never got his own hands dirty unless it was something _big_. As it turned out, he also did it when he needed to let tension out by terrorizing some poor fuckers.

“I’m gonna go pay a visit to one of the communities. The ones that hate your guts. You know, the ones whose timely decision to fuck you over made you end up at my doorstep like a lost rabid dog looking for a master. They don’t know my face around there yet, it’ll be fun to yank their chain,” Negan said.

It surprised Rick when he realized that it took him a second to understand what Negan was talking about, that he had settled so deeply in his new life that he had almost forgotten how exactly he had gotten to the Sanctuary. It also surprised him when he realized he still wanted to burn the place to the ground, after all this time.

Rick looked up from Judith’s hair, which he was brushing with satisfying ease, and glanced at Negan, who leaned cross-armed against the wall as he looked fondly at the scene before him. He pondered on the man’s words for a second.

“Let me go with you.”

“No offense, Rick, but I don’t trust you not to kill anyone else while we’re there. Amusing as they are, I can’t have uncontrolled murders going around.”

Rick rolled his eyes. “I’m not gonna kill anyone, I just want to go with you, get out of here more often.” He paused. “Well, I might kill someone if they make enough trouble.”

“Oh, so you’re saying you want to be my fucking bodyguard?” Negan chuckled softly. “That’s hot as hell, gonna make me swoon.”

Rick snorted, but truth be told, ‘bodyguard’ wasn’t a completely inaccurate term for what he ended up doing. As much as he itched to be out of the Sanctuary other than on the weekly visits to Alexandria, most of his reason for wanting to tag along was that he didn’t trust these people to not make trouble. They were subdued, he knew that just as he knew that he wasn’t being completely rational there, but the thought of someone he cared about being there again made him nervous. He’d lost Glenn there, Abraham too, and Carl had lost his eyes. He wouldn’t risk anything happening to Negan.

He ended up just quietly following Negan as he let the leader make the calls - that behavior got him more bodyguard comments and a roleplay that night - going around the place, gleefully inspecting things and throwing thinly-veiled threats at people just for the sake of seeing them squirm. Rick enjoyed it as much as he enjoyed the way people eyed him; oh yes, they definitely hadn’t forgotten his face or what he’d done.

There was only one instance Rick moved away from Negan, when he went to the grave of the man he had gruesomely killed and spat on it.

There were no problems in the end, and Rick found he had enjoyed the experience. Therefore he also tagged along when Negan decided to take a stroll in Alexandria or go push Gregory’s buttons and make the man basically piss himself. It was a good way to spend his time while he took the last steps to deeming himself fully ready for action.

And, as it turned out, he hadn’t been wrong to suspect from that someone might try to pull some shit.

It happened the third time they went to that particular hateful community, which Rick suspected Negan visited more often than the others just because he knew Rick was always on edge as soon as he set foot in it. It started out normal, and even Rick, whose natural mistrust towards everyone was at its peak in that place, was at relative ease.

It happened fast. So fast that Rick thought he wasn’t going to be able to react in time. One moment, Negan was carefreely inspecting the pantry, mind deep in what he was gonna be taking - _Fuck me sideways! Look at this Rick, they got goddamn oreos!_ \- and Rick was looking at him with a fond smile. The next moment, someone hit Rick on the nape and he was falling to the floor.

Whoever had done it, a young man as Rick saw a second later, hadn’t hit him hard enough. The man tried to slip past Rick, knife in hand as he charged at Negan. Negan was ready to defend himself, but it wasn’t necessary; Rick tackled the man the the floor, gritting his teeth as he struggled to keep his opponent under control. His hand held down the hand with the knife, while his arm pressed down on the man’s throat. Rick grunted, biting down on the writhing man’s hand when it tried to push him away.

He didn’t have time for this. In the end, Rick simply headbutted the other. He took advantage of the seconds it gave him, took hold of the knife, and cleanly cut his opponent’s throat with it.

Not as much as panting, Rick stood up and slipped past an interested Negan, going towards another man that stood behind him. He clearly had no guts: The sight of his partner dying had left him unable to act, and when Rick slammed him against a wall, he dropped his own knife and held his hands up, at the mercy of the blade Rick pointed at him.

“Speak” Rick grunted darkly. All the attacker’s panicked shaking did was make him drag his weapon closer.

“W- We were acting alone, I swear!” he squealed. “No one else knew about this.”

The man was doing a good enough job of keeping himself mostly composed. Still, terrified tears kept running down his cheeks and desperate begs for mercy left his mouth.

“We- We- We just wanted to get rid of these pickups. Pl- Please, you surely understand. Week after week, we couldn’t keep going. It wasn’t you, just him. We didn’t want to do it, I- I swear, but we had to try. Please.”

Rick understood. It wasn’t hard to, and for a moment Rick almost felt sympathy for him. But then all of it was eclipsed by the simple, undeniable, heavy fact that they had _tried to kill Negan_. As soon as that fact occupied his mind, he knew he needed to see blood in his hand.

Negan meant too much to Rick. He owed too much to him, Rick owed him everything he had. Rick needed Negan, and anyone who tried to take him away would have to pay dearly.

The blood reached his elbow and covered most of the front of his shirt by the time the lifeless body fell to the floor.

Rick was breathless. The moment Negan silently embraced him from behind, all the tension slipped away and he relaxed into the touch, closing his eyes and smiling.

“Wow, Rick” Negan whispered, slow and breathy. “That was quite a spectacle.”

“You didn’t help me” Rick pointed out casually. He felt Negan shrug, his arms tightening around Rick’s torso, dirtying himself further with the blood.

“You were doing fine enough. Something worthy of being seen, that I guaran-fucking-tee. An experience I’ll treasure in the deepest part of my heart. And you know what?”

Rick turned around, coming face to face with Negan’s wide, calm, and slightly aroused grin. He leaned in for a quick kiss.

“I don’t know. What?”

Negan’s grin became sharper. “You’re ready for killing. You’re ready for justice.”


	11. Much more than an eye for an eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge is something sweet, Rick finds. And then he has an epiphany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the chapter Rick lost his hand, I wrote that it was his left one, but on the next one I said it was the right one. I went back and fixed it - that is, I changed 'left hand' for 'right hand' when it happened, not the other way around - but I forgot to mention it because when I posted the previous chapter my eyes literally stinged, I was that sleepy lmao.
> 
> I also put Rick & Michonne on the tags, not because of anything specific but because I feel their relationship through the fic is major enough that it should be tagged, dunno why I didn't do it before.
> 
> Also, I just wanted to thank all of you for every single comment and kudo and hit I get, it means the world ^^ don't hesitate to point out typos btw, I'm fully aware I miss many of them.

By the time Rick stepped out of the truck most of Negan’s men were already in action. He met Negan in front of the vehicle, they smiled slightly at each other, and then leisurely walked towards the commotion in the junkyard, Negan leading, Rick following.

“I don’t like this, Negan” Rick commented, calm but with a slight surly grumble underneath his words. “I didn’t work my ass off getting ready for this just to leave all the work to everyone else.”

Negan laughed and paused for a second, letting Rick catch up and sliding his arm across the smaller man’s shoulders. “Oh, don’t be such a whiny bitch, Rick. What’re you gonna do, walk in there terminator style and single-handedly slaughter them all? Pun completely intended and don’t you look at me like that. Don’t you worry my sweet psycho, there’s gonna be plenty of murder action for you in there, we just have to be smart about this.”

Rick grumbled some more but reluctantly accepted Negan’s regretfully perfectly logical reasoning. His fingers were aching to grab his gun, walk in there, and shoot people left and right, but there was no point in that if he got a knife or bullet in his nape. Rick was still vengeful, but he wasn’t _that_ far gone.

Besides, the longer he waited the sweeter seeing fear dripping out of them would be, he told himself.

Rick and Negan paused their steps a couple meters away from where the trash started to pile up. Rick guessed that the garbage walls and almost maze-like structure of the place would be a defensive advantage to those people, if intruders were a small group like Rick’s had been last time. But with the numbers Negan had under his control? Any disadvantage could be turned around. Rick gave a sympathetic look in Sasha’s direction, when he saw the woman cringe in her way climbing up one of the piles. Once on top, she got her rifle ready and started shooting. Others did the same.

Negan had brought half his forces for this, over twice as much as all the people Rick had seen the last time he was here, and at least four times as many guns. These weirdos were, put plainly, rats trapped in their lair. They wouldn’t hold on for long, and no matter how many times Rick tried to go in before it was all over, Negan grasped his arm and pulled him back. Rick was getting anxious, but to be fair he had tried it eleven times in three minutes.

“Calm the hell down, Rick” the larger man grunted, giving Rick a pointed glare. “You’re starting to make me fucking antsy. Just stay here until we know it’s safe to go in there, god fucking dammit.”

Rick’s eyes were narrowed and he was just biting back a remark that threatened to come out of his mouth much more scathing that he intended when he saw Dwight approaching them from inside the junkyard. He looked tired and sweaty, but not really worried.

“How’s it holding in there, D?” Negan asked before Dwight was even close enough to properly answer, easy grin back on his face as he leaned back, the perfect image of chill with Lucille over his shoulder and his hand on his pocket.

Dwight shrugged. “They got numbers but we got more, they got guns but we got more, and they don’t seem all that trained to use them in combat. The layout isn’t too hard to figure out too, but it can be a little hard with those pests trying to kill you. Still not too complicated, so I’d say it’s going pretty good.”

“It’s under control, huh?” Negan mused lowly. He glanced at Rick, smirked mockingly at his anxious expression, and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. “Go on, my brave little soldier. You better kill bloody.”

And with that, Rick was free to go. He pulled his gun in hand as he ran to the trash mountains. It didn’t take him long to start meeting Saviors, most of them engaged in shooting or direct fight. There were some bodies on the ground, but almost none of them were on their side. Relieved, Rick put his attention back on the subject at hand. His eyes found Daryl, he shot a man who was trying to approach him, and ran to his side as he felt a extremely heavy weight being lifted off him. He had finally done _something_ to make them pay. He nodded at Daryl once they were face to face and they started advancing together.

It was releasing, yes, but Rick didn’t forget who he was really after. Still, he made an effort to not prove Negan’s earlier treatment of him right and not lose his focus on the proper way to proceed. He kept his attention high, his eyes sharp, and his finger ready on the trigger. For all that they had been menacing and composed once, with their refuge invaded these people were losing all of their cool. Their attacks were unorganized, and these who had guns were missing most of their shots under the effects of shaking from fear. These shots were little more than a warning for Rick to aim and put a bullet in them.

Soon enough, with the action just a little beyond started, more than half the trash people were retreating, once their shooters were either down or gone, and the few who remained were shortly either following the rest, dying, or being captured. Rick looked around, nodded at the men, and proceeded to go deeper into the junkyard after them.

It was fast-paced, wild, thrilling, but even with that, even with the screen of rage that clouded the edges of his vision, Rick managed to keep a hold on himself and stay cool. When the last attempt at an attack came and someone grabbed him by his back, Rick’s eyes barely widened as he turned around and tackled his attacker into the ground. Only when he kept him down by pressing his right forearm onto the man’s neck and his left hand brought the gun down on his face again and again did he allow all the things he was feeling flow out. He remembered that man, remembered seeing him briefly interact with the woman, giving Rick the impression of a second-in-command. He was probably no less fucked up than she was.

Rick didn’t stop hitting until his arm gave out and he couldn’t anymore. His breath was ragged, the sweat made his curls stick to his forehead, and blood from what had once been a face had smeared all his clothes. But with that, all the feelings of impotence that had been building up all that time were released.

He looked up when Carol put her hand on his shoulder. He met her eyes, both of them disturbingly calm despite the drops of blood around their gazes.

“We have her.”

Rick suppressed the rush of thrill that invaded his lips and nodded. He stood up, rearranged himself a little, and followed Carol. A little beyond, on a clearing between all the mountains of trash, there she was. She was kneeling, with her hands tied behind her back, and she was blinking slowly, slight frown on her face, as if she couldn’t quite take in what was happening.

_Sucks to see something awful happen to you on your own flesh, so awful you’re not able to fully believe it, right?_

“I did warn you, didn’t I?” he chose to say instead, an eyebrow raised on an otherwise stone-cold face.

All her people were set aside, kneeling and held at gunpoint. Rick didn’t spare them more than a quick glance.

And then, less than a minute later, came a cheery whistling. Rick turned around to see Negan calmly walking in, chill, smug smile on his face as he walked into the scene, swinging a bloody Lucille over his shoulder. He raised his free hand to wave at everyone and made a brief bow, thrilled with their attention. Then he swaggered his way towards Rick and drew him in, putting a loud, wet kiss on his temple.

“Honey, dammit, have I ever told you how ravishingly hot you look covered in blood?” he grunted for only Rick to hear before he moved away and stepped forward, shifting his attention to the matter at hand. His smile stayed in place, but his eyes turned icier than Rick had ever seen them. The sight of it made him shiver.

Negan stood in front of the woman, his grin widening every second. He leaned back, squinting as he took in her appearance. “Hi there” he mused calmly. “Having a good day? I sure as all hell am. Birds singing, good weather, bodies on the ground. It’s lovely, isn’t it?”

The woman shifted her eyes towards Rick, staring at him like she had before, eyes squinted so slightly it was barely noticeable. Rick held her gaze until she turned her face back towards Negan, the movement almost mechanical. She tilted her head a few inches and frowned.

“You came for revenge.”

“I most certainly fucking did” Negan snarled, all fake friendliness gone. His lips were tight, drawn back, revealing white, gritted teeth, and his eyes shot sparks. Lucille abandoned her position at his shoulder, being held at Negan’s side instead, the tightly closed hand ready to make her strike any time. “You hurt someone who is very damn dear to me, bitch.”

She made a gesture with her head, indicating all around the place. “We have plenty. We have anything. You take what you want and leave.”

Negan was actually taken aback by that, unable to find his words for a moment. Rick watched as his eyebrows furrowed together and his lips opened, weirded out and disgusted under her expectant gaze.

“Listen, lady, you live in trash. As in literal goddamned trash. Now, I don’t know if that makes you and your people rats, roaches or just more trash, but the point is that all this shit you have here is fucking unsanitary. Why the everfucking hell would I want any of this shit? I have a little girl back home for God’s sake, no way I’m gonna risk her putting any of this filthy bullshit in her mouth.” With a quick, smooth swing Lucille rose and poked under the woman’s jaw, making her face upwards and a thin trail of blood flow down. Negan’s eyes were wide and feral. His voice was a low, dangerous rumble. “Do you think anything, shiny and fancy as it were, could make up for Rick’s hand? You’re just begging to die.”

But instead of hitting, Negan took a step back. He rolled his neck, did the same with his shoulders, and looked at Rick. Rick’s heart was pounding up in his neck, his mouth dry. Now was the moment Negan stepped aside and let Rick do the job. He took a step forward, but Negan raised his hand.

Rick scowled in confusion. Negan offered a shrug and an apologetic smile.

“I’m the one who’s gonna do the killing, Rick.”

Rick blinked a couple times. He raised his arm. “Negan, she made me lose my damn hand” he stated, as if Negan had somehow forgotten about that fact. Negan shrugged again.

“She harmed my favorite property” he countered simply. His voice was nonchalant, but it was simply enveloping something else, lethal and downright scary.

The woman’s eyes were wide, panicked, no hint of her old weird composure in sight. She had raised as much as her position would allow, and she shaked her head wildly. Whatever character she had created for herself to follow, Rick couldn’t see any trace of it left. It had shattered completely.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

Negan turned and clicked his tongue. “Well, that’s about as useful to us as a broken condom.”

Then, Lucille’s spikes met flesh.

The disappointment and frustration Rick felt didn’t last long; soon enough, all he could focus on was the way Lucille came down again and again. With every hit, blood jumped all over the place, less and less each time. By the second swing, Rick wasn’t sure she was alive anymore, and he had no doubts by the third one. Still, Negan kept going again and again, making sickening wet sounds as he dove into brain matter, but Rick couldn’t hear it over Negan’s laughter.

Because yes, Negan was laughing, cackling and chuckling through every second of it. His face betrayed the deep glee he was feeling at the sight of his handiwork, a deep, rumbling sound of pleasure coming out of his chest. For a second he turned to face Rick, and one of his simultaneously playfully shiny and terrifyingly apathetic eyes winked before the man stepped his boot hard down on the cracked skull. He paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and swinged one last time.

There was complete silence other than the sounds of Negan’s slaughter. At least that was what Rick thought; he realized he had simply tuned out the horrified gasps and cries of the junkyard people. Rick spared them a quick glance, then the Saviors. Some revolted expressions, for sure, but no surprise.

This was the first time Rick saw Negan do something like this. Sure, he had known he could and would do it, but it was a completely different story to be witness to it. Rick’s mind supplied him with the time Michonne told him about how Negan laughed while he killed. At the moment, it had looked not much more than bad taste and quirkiness. Now, he felt deep in his bones how terrifying the scene was. Negan looked like a figure made of black death and red blood.

He wondered if he should be worried that it didn’t bother him at all. The second he could, he would draw Negan in and kiss his cheek.

With a last laugh Negan swinged back, the quickness of the movement along with Lucille’s weight almost making him lose his footing for a second. He turned around, spinning on one leg in a tasteless mockery of childishness, and offered Rick his wide white grin. He bowed, an artist waiting for his ovation.

Rick raised an eyebrow that said he was equal parts impressed and judging him for his sheer brutality. Negan almost wiggled in the pride he felt in that moment.

“Well, the main course is over” Negan claimed as he swaggered back to Rick and clasped a friendly hand on his shoulder, shaking him up a bit. Despite himself, Rick couldn’t help but offer him a small smile; Negan’s was too contagious.

“I’m still pissed off about not getting to do it myself.”

Negan shrugged it off. “Well, yeah, you can bitch about it all you want once we’re done with the rest of them.”

“What do you mean, the rest of them?”

“It’s like you said, Rick, these guys are _weird_ . All blank stares and no words, they give me the fucking shivers. They’re clearly screwed up in the brain and I’m not gonna risk any of them pulling any nasty shit. We’re killing them off. Why, you got any complaint against it?”

“I’m not too comfortable with mass murder” Rick mused lowly after reflecting on it for a moment. He gave the people a quick look. Over half of them remained, and even through their impassible masks he could guess their horror when they looked at their former leader, and their anxiety as they tried to figure out what Rick and Negan were talking about in the distance.

Negan’s eyebrows twisted, amused and puzzled at once. “May I remind you that you’re the one who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about wanting them all dead?”

“Yeah, I know” Rick sighed in slight discomfort. He put his hands on his hips and glanced down. “But it’s different to think about it as an abstract idea with all that rage boiling inside, and now that I’m at ease and they’re in front of me. We’re not even fighting them now, they’re just… There.”

“Well, I got them right in front of me and I still want to kill them” Negan pointed out as he scratched his neck. “They look like some freaky cult or something. I got no use for them nor this place, and leaving them here just doesn’t feel right.”

“I’m pretty sure that whatever was going on here was her thing” Rick countered in the same casual tone, gesturing towards what had once been a woman. “Besides, are you really afraid they can do anything? They don’t look like they have much initiative for anything else than barely surviving.”

“People can always give you the worst surprises and fuck you over if you give them the chance. How about we decimate them? If they’re few they can’t do much, no matter how ready they get.”

Rick and Negan continued to casually discuss whether the mass of people would live or die for a while. Rick wasn’t too comfortable with leaving them alive either and he would budge without much drama if Negan got stubborn, but the idea of killing a number that high of people without any pressing reason to was even more uncomfortable. With their leader gone, he almost felt pity for them.

He believed he almost got Negan to agree with him, his hazel eyes moving over Rick’s face with curiosity and consideration, but their conversation was cut short when a scream came. They both snapped their heads towards the crowd, where one of the junkyard people, a small blonde woman, was writhing and screaming as two Saviors held her down. A quick look revealed she had stabbed one of Negan’s men, and although the wound had only reached his arm, it was enough to make Negan’s eyes go back to being hard and cold. Rick sighed.

“Alright, looks like you got your way.”

“Glad you’re not too stubborn, baby” Negan mused. His next words were high and sharp, for everyone to hear. “Kill them all! No exceptions!”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Rick sighed in relief when he stood in front of his door. It hadn’t been a tiring day - the whole operation had taken three hours and a half, time on the truck included - but he still felt mentally exhausted. He was craving the comfort of just relaxing on his room for a while, enjoying the fact that the ache for revenge deep in his chest was _finally_ gone, take a nap, and maybe pay Negan a visit later.

“Daddy!” Judith squealed as soon as he walked in. She left her spot where she was forcing Carl to play tea party with her and ran towards her father in delight. Rick stepped back, muttering something about being covered in blood, but his daughter paid no mind; she embraced his legs as if she didn’t even notice the red in his clothes. Her bright, smiling face looked up at him in a gross juxtaposition with the drying gore.

In that moment, as he looked down at the sudden image that felt both not real and far too sharply so, trying to understand what his eyes saw but his brain fought, something snapped inside of Rick’s mind. He felt as if his chest had been hit with a hammer, forcing him to lean forward as all the air left his lungs, leaving him suffocating, gasping for air.

His daughter, his sweet, innocent, young daughter, was utterly indifferent to her father being covered in death. The realization pulsed through his mind again and again, harshly coming back the moment it started becoming hazy and Rick tried to reason his way around it.

Carl didn’t look affected at all, either. Sure, he was cringing a bit at the sight of his sister pressing her face against dried blood, but the fact that there was blood in the first place didn’t seem to bother him in the least. He gently coaxed Judith away from Rick and directed his curious one eye at his father.

“How did it go?”

“It was good” Rick mused half-absently. “Not too difficult, we had the advantage the whole time.”

Carl scowled a bit. “So I could have gone. I told you nothing bad would happen if I did.”

There had been a time when Carl wouldn’t have thought of joining Rick and Negan in this trip as something exciting. There was a time when he had seen Rick covered in blood after brutally murdering a man and had barely been able to look at him afterwards. Rick had been destroyed then. Now, he needed desperately to see that look.

His kids were good, soft kids. That’s what Rick wanted to believe. But he had seen more than once how harsh Carl could be under the right circumstances; he couldn’t help but wonder if Judith would develop similarly. If, without the memories of a different kind of life, she would be even more affected by this world and grow up ruthless and indifferent to violence and death. At her tender age, it looked like she had already started that path.

As he thought of that Rick could hear Michonne’s question, back when she had decided she didn’t desire to be directly involved with Negan’s methods. She had asked Rick if he wanted his children to live in a place that encouraged that sort of mentality.

Bile made itself known on his throat. He wanted to puke. Of course he didn’t. He wanted them to be strong, not to lose their humanity.

Perhaps the worst realization of all was that it wasn’t something he had just _let_ happen; Rick had fully embraced it. That morning Rick hadn’t been all that different from Negan, taking joy in his slaughter where once he had been revolted by it. That was the example he was setting. He was too far gone. He had to stop it now.

These thoughts kept swirling and twisting around in his head, keeping him in a haze as he told Carl to clean up Judith of the little spots of blood that had stuck to her and then, under the spray of the shower he scrubbed, scratched, scraped it all away from his skin as if that would fix everything. He played tea party with Judith for a while, answered Carl’s questions about the raid once she was asleep, and then he went to find Negan.

He found the man in the storage room, fresh and clean and going through all the supplies the Sanctuary had been provided with that week. When he saw Rick he smiled wide and sharp, drawing him in by the shoulders for a quick peck on the lips. Rick produced a faint smile.

“Couldn’t wait for me, huh?” Negan muttered against his lips, covering them with his own again. “Don’t you worry, doll, I’ll be done here in fifteen minutes and then we can go to my room to chill for a while” he suggested, wriggling his eyebrows playfully. He smacked Rick’s ass with his grin widening. “I’d say we’re both dying for some celebratory fuckfest.”

Rick tried to say something then, but his words faltered on his mouth. He let Negan go back to his thing, staying somewhat awkwardly aside as Negan offered occasional commentary of the stuff they had gotten, his words only half-listened.

“Hey, Negan” Rick called five minutes later. His eyes felt heavy and eager to fall down, but he fought to keep his gaze up. “What would you tell me if I asked you to let me step away from my duty here?”

Negan offered him a confused, strange look. He took his time giving an answer, his pink tongue slowly running through his lips as his slightly narrowed eyes took Rick in. Rick didn’t look away even if the scanner of Negan’s eyes made him a tad fidgety. “I’d say fuck no. What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m not asking anything permanent. I just think that after today I could use stepping away from all of this for a while, you know? I need to keep some distance from the violence and authority, it’s making me lose sight of some things I shouldn’t. Maybe I’m not made to keep this kind of thing going on constantly.” Biting down absently on the side of his lip, Rick steeled himself. “I was thinking of leaving the Sanctuary, temporarily, and maybe spend around a month in the Hilltop. A change of scenery would be good for me.”

Rick waited with rising anxiety as Negan’s face smoothed with every word that left his lips until his face was soft, composed, and chilling. Negan tilted his head, ran his eyes through all of Rick’s face again and again, and hummed softly as he leaned a couple inches. He took a step forward until he was a breath away from Rick.

“Is that so?” he hummed soft and calm, brow creased just enough to be noticeable. For all his calmness, the whirlwind gathering behind his eyes, creeping steely under his voice, was painfully clear. “Baby, you’re not fucking stupid so don’t act like you are. Not made for this? Nasty ass bullshit. A few hours ago you were proving you’re fit to be here just fine so quit that shit. Hey, alright, fair, you had a tiring day and I can cut you some slack for a few days but you’re going nowhere out of these gates.” He brought a hand up to Rick’s cheek, which the man leaned into with an exasperated sigh. He was about to bring up what exactly he was trying to do with this, but the moment Negan saw him open his mouth he rolled his eyes and his gaze hardened. He grasped Rick’s upper arm and pulled him closer, shoulder against chest.

“Listen, honey, this day’s been hard on me too so how about you quit it? I don’t like you implying that my fucktastic system doesn’t roll nice and dandy with you, because it fucking does. Goddamn Christ, Rick, ever since you came here everything’s smooth as it can get and I really don’t like you saying you want out. If you say shit like ‘everything you’ve spent all these long hard years building sucks’ you’re gonna make me think you’re trying to make me choose, and I don’t choose jackshit, Rick. I want things and I get all of them, including you. You and me work out so fucking well because we’re on the same page and I didn’t have to _make_ you cooperate, don’t be a bitch and change that now. I like my system, I’m keeping it, and like it or not you’re a part of it so you’re staying. Let’s go about it the nice way, we clear?”

Negan was breathing into Rick’s mouth now, his grip on the smaller man on the verge of painful by the time he finished his snarl. He was oblivious to the way Rick’s heart beat hard in his chest, to the sweat that was starting to form on his forehead, all his attention dedicated to sinking into those wide, startled eyes with his own imposing ones. Slowly, after a couple breaths, Rick gave a silent nod. On cue, Negan’s expression melted down onto his usual goofy one and his hands climbed up to Rick’s face, soft and gentle this time, drawing him for a kiss and making their foreheads connect.

“Besides, the Hilltop? I can’t visit you there as often as I’d like and I know your ass would be hungry without me. I’d be a shitty lover if I let that happen. I gotta take care of my pretty little Rick, don’t I?” He chuckled and took a wide handful of the mentioned ass. Rick pulled a weak smile. “Look, the trip’s clearly been hard on you. Go lie down for a while and take a nap, alright? You’ve worked enough for today, I’ll see you later.”

Rick nodded and started walking away, stopping and turning when Negan called him with a “Wait!” He was frowning, lips pursed in concern. “We’re cool, right?”

Rick rolled his eyes and grinned. “Of course we are.”

As soon as he was away enough from Negan’s sight Rick collapsed against the wall and hid his face in his anxious hand, which then ran through his hair, pulling at it a couple times. His teeth were gritted, his whole body on edge.

_You and me work out so fucking well because we’re on the same page and I didn’t have to make you cooperate._

Negan was someone who took and took and took and wouldn’t accept a no for an answer, forcefully taking whatever wasn’t willingly given, offering his victim either a wide smile or a murderous rage. The second Rick had tried to negotiate terms he wasn’t happy with, the man hadn’t hesitated to immediately shoot it down. Negan had just openly claimed that everything between Rick and himself was because he was cooperating, and he would have forced Rick to do it if he had needed to. He remembered it, sharp and clear, when the first time they met Negan had claimed that much. That Rick belonged to him no matter what.

Rick felt his breath fall short when he was hit with the realization that the only reason he and his people had ended up on Negan’s good side was sheer dumb luck. Any other chain of events might have led to Rick meeting Lucille like that woman had.

Rick had always known how dangerous Negan was but the man had drawn him in, captivated him with his flashing smile and his dark, ruthless charisma, and like a fool Rick had been happy to fall for it. He had allowed himself to lose sight of the kind of man that Negan was, convinced himself that he was better than he really was, because he was in love with him.

Not anymore. Not when his simple request for some space had been met with threats.

Rick got on the move. He searched through all the Sanctuary until he found Carol. He asked her a moment alone and Carol accepted, her eyes showing her concern at Rick’s altered state. As soon as they had privacy, Rick stared into the woman’s eyes.

“Carol, we need to leave.”


	12. Pain and anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which shit hits the fan.

Carol would support Rick in any choice he took, ever. She might not understand it, she might ask him to change his mind - 'What are you talking about, Rick? Let's sit down and think of this for a moment, alright? You're rushing into something you're going to end up regretting' - but in the end, when she saw there was no other option, she would support him. He knew that and he was proven right. Carol was more than on board with Negan's way of doing things - and as much as Rick appreciated her, that should have been an alarm since the very beginning - and made it very clear she thought he was making a mistake every step of the way, but when he left, she was at his side.

Sasha and Rosita had both been filled with anger and grief when they first arrived and the violence the Sanctuary asked of them had been a chance to let it all out and settle down onto its system. They weren't uncomfortable there, but neither did they have any deep attachment to the place. They were surprised, but when Rick told them they needed to leave, they believed him and supported his choice.

Eugene was far too comfortable with the protection and moderate luxury the Saviors offered him, but he was more afraid of being left behind by the people close to him than of risking his chances out there. He made it clear he didn't like the idea but he would join them. As for Daryl, he had finally found his comfort and looked to be on growing good terms with Jesus back at Hilltop, but he didn't hesitate for a second to say he'd follow Rick wherever he went.

Once the initial rush of panic had been left behind, with his head cooler, Rick told them they didn't need to leave too, that they were free to make their own choice and stay behind, stay safe from Negan's retaliation. None of them would have it; the least they could do was make sure he made it out alright. Any thought about possibly coming back would have to wait until Rick was safe.

Rick had the support of his family. Of course, the one who wasn't on board with the idea was someone Rick wasn't willing to let stay under any circumstances.

Judith, needless to say, was too young to argue anything. Carl, on the other hand, chose that moment to pull his full teenager power - Rick refused to acknowledge it as anything other than a teen rebellion - and glared at him with his single eye, arms crossed and scowling. For a moment he looked like an adult, and for an even briefer moment Rick felt vulnerable to his judging as he explained that Negan was a bad man, a bad influence, unpredictable and potentially dangerous. When he was done, Carl's eye narrowed.

“You do realize how incredibly hypocritical you sound, don't you?”

Rick was struck speechless. “I... We're leaving, Carl, and that's final. I'll have no arguing over this.”

He didn't allow himself think of what Carl had told him.

After their little argument Negan was far too eager to make up to Rick for the roughness he had shown. That night he wouldn't have anything but Rick in his arms as he covered him in affection and kisses. Rick would be lying if he said it didn't bring a smile to his face and made him second-guess himself for a moment, but then he forced those words to play again in his mind, all of them, again and again.

_ I don't choose jackshit. I want things and I get all of them, including you. _

_ You and I work out so well because I didn't have to make you cooperate. _

_ I like my system, I'm keeping it, and like it or not you're a part of it. _

Rick was Negan's possession, and if he didn't fall into the place the man had planed for him, as soldier and lover, there'd be consequences to face. Rick wasn't going to allow that, not for all the caresses and soft praises in the world.

For Negan, it was victory sex. For Rick, it was goodbye.

The following day Rick talked about wanting to spend the night with his children after almost two weeks of sleeping with Negan, which the other man happily granted after he had coaxed one long, deep kiss out of his lover. After that Negan easily  sauntered  off to his own room, giving Rick a cheeky wink over his shoulder before disappearing. Rick remained on his spot for about ten seconds, gaze lost on the way Negan had gone, then shook his head and got moving.

That night no one dared question why Rick was asking for the gates to be opened so late, even if he could see the curiosity on the eyes of those on watch, just like they wouldn't dare question Negan. No one dared ask to look into the truck he was driving, either, so they couldn't see the people Rick was carrying with him. The gates opened for him and Rick drove away.

Not even in that moment did Rick plan to leave Negan and everything that came with him behind for good. No, not for good. Just some time until Rick's head was clear and he could make sense out of the whirlwind of confusing, panicked, hurt thoughts that were rolling non-stop in his head, until he could think of Negan and not think of the way he had hissed at him, until he could forget violence and remember what real peace was, until it completely filled him up.

When that happened, when Judith was scared by the sight of blood and Carl didn't see killing as something normal, then Rick would come back. Carefully, of course. Rick had no idea how he would do it and figuring it out wasn't the priority at the moment, but when the moment came he'd find a way to approach Negan again, go back to him without falling victim to his rage, without being caught under his control.

If they would be again what they were now... Rick couldn't allow himself to think of that. The prospect of a negative would make his decision waver too much.

Two hours later Rick stopped driving. He took a moment for the weight of what he had just done to actually hit him. He had fled the Sanctuary. He had left Negan. All those ideas that had been going on his head were now something real, right in front of him.

He started shaking. His lungs ached and for a moment he thought he'd never be able to breathe right again.

None of that. He avoided the looks his friends and family were giving him and got out of the vehicle. He walked up to the gate of Alexandria, let his eyes linger for a second on the scratched 'safe' of the 'Alexandria Safe Zone' nameplate, then looked up and stared at the eyes of the one on watch.

“What the hell are you waiting for?” he inquired in his most dead tone. “Open up the gate. Go get Michonne. Now.”

He was obeyed immediately. By the time the van was parked inside the community as far away from the gate as he could and they all got out, Rick could see Michonne walking up to him, surprise and concern mixed up on her face. Beside her was Deanna. Some other people were around too, but Rick didn't even register them.

“Rick, what are you doing here at this hour? What's wrong?”

Rick didn't hesitate for a second. His voice was hard, cold, impersonal. “We're leaving the Sanctuary, Michonne. We need to stay here tonight.”

Michonne's eyes widened a few inches and took in everyone that came with Rick, including Judith who sleepily rubbed her eyes while under her brother’s care.

“What happened?”

“Dad had a  lovers' spat with Negan and he's being dramatic.”

“Carl!” Rick barked, scowling at his son. He got a glare no less impressive right back. They stared each other down before Rick turned his attention back to Michonne with a grunt. “I can't stay with Negan anymore, Michonne. Please.”

She held his gaze, searching his blue eyes for answers, but she seemed to decide that it could wait until later. She nodded slowly and put her hand on his shoulder. Rick let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and felt the hint of a smile pull at the edge of his lips.

“You don't need to ask. Whatever we can help you with, we're happy to give.”

“I know. Thank you.”

Michonne crossed her arms and tilted her head, thoughtful. “Knowing what exactly you plan to do would be pretty nice, though. You know, fill me in on what's gonna happen.”

“Of course.” Rick nodded. He licked his lips slowly. “We need to stay here tonight, that's all. Negan doesn't know we're here and if it works out right, he never will. We'll leave early in the morning, before anyone even notices we're missing back at the Sanctuary. We'll find somewhere to stay, maybe the urban area near the junkyard, but preferably further from his reach. That's all we need for now, we'll figure everything else sooner or later.”

Michonne nodded. Deanna, though, chose that moment to step forward, arms crossed and wearing that steely look on her eyes, made no less intense by the fact that she was wearing a nightgown. Rick offered the same look right back.

“All of that sounds good, but what if Negan finds out you came here and we aided you in running away from him? Isn't that a possibility?”

“It's a risk, yeah, but there's nothing else we can do. We couldn't leave in plain daylight for all of them to see and we can't drive somewhere unknown at night. This is the best place to make a stop. We need it.”

“You” Deanna replied, gaze hardening and taking another step towards Rick, barely a couple feet away, “come in here with lies, take our freedom away, menace us and steal our food and comforts. And now you ask us to risk the rage of a man even worse for your sake? What if we refuse?”

Rick's nostrils widened and his calm behavior shattered. He had too much on his plate as it was without having to deal with this woman's attitude, and he didn't plan to take the long way. All he wanted was to get some sleep before leaving. With his cold eyes still fixed on Deanna, he pulled his gun out and aimed it at the small crowd of sleepy suburbans gathered around them. The air became even thicker than before.

He flicked his eyes away to aim at someone specific. He saw Deanna's son among the faces. Perfect.

“Listen to me, Deanna, I respect you but I'm not willing to accept a no here. I don't want to hurt anyone and I hope I don't have to. I just want to get away from a man that's dangerous to me and my family. Surely you understand that.”

There was no change in Deanna's face; if anything, the steel became stronger. She remained impassible, as if she knew for sure that Rick wouldn't shoot.

“I definitely understand. A dangerous man is threatening my family as we speak.”

Her words took the form of a whip that hit Rick in the face, breaking the harshness and revealing something shocked, almost horrified underneath. Rick's grip faltered, and when Michonne put her hands on the gun, encouraging Rick to put it down, he didn't fight it.

“Rick, c'mon” she asked softly, careful. Rick swallowed thickly, put the gun away as he avoided eye contact with anyone. Michonne sighed  imperceptibly  and nodded at Deanna, who was still stern but visibly more comfortable being addressed by her than by Rick. “It's alright. We're letting him stay, and any trouble that might follow them, I'll deal with.”

“I hope you can, Michonne. I really do.”

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

There were various empty houses in Alexandria, but there was no need for them to speak to decide that they would all sleep under the same roof. It was natural, just like it was natural that Michonne, Maggie and the others showed up at the door less than ten minutes later wearing faces of utter concern. Rick reassured them that yes, they were alright, Negan hadn't harmed them. That was an immediate relief for them.

When Michonne asked him for a why, Rick found that speaking, for her and for everyone else, was harder than he'd expected. He painted the broader strokes: His children's indifference to seeing him covered in blood - and when he spoke of that, he saw a brief, self-conscious break in Carl's otherwise sulking scowl - , how he'd asked Negan for some time away, and how easily Negan had gone cold and threatening on him, as if he and Rick hadn't spent all those months growing closer and closer. As someone he wouldn't let out of his absolute control.

He was hurt, angry, and didn't feel safe. He could see that not everyone agreed it was enough of a reason to get away so desperately, but at the very least he could feel he had all their sympathy.

“You could come with us, too” Rick proposed to those who had chosen to stay in Alexandria. There was a brief hesitation, but then Maggie shook her head with a  rueful but fond smile.

“We can't do that, Rick. Negan will be outraged when he finds out you're gone, and Alexandria will be the first place he thinks of. We can tell him we have no idea about it and it’ll be hard enough to convince him as it is, but what will happen if he comes here and we're all gone? It'll be a confirmation of what happened here, and we all know he'll make these people pay a price.”

“These are good people, Rick” Tara added, soft and soothing. “I know you don't like most of them but they are, and they've been kinder to us that we could've expected.”

Rick opened his mouth, but stopped himself when he realized that what was gonna leave his lips was a 'So?' His eyes widened so slightly no one saw it, he wet his lips, nodded, and stood up.

“We'll be leaving very early. I'm gonna try to get a few hours of sleep before that. Those who want to come with me should too.”

One thing was to say it, though, and another to do it. Sleep. It was every bit as hard as he'd imagined it'd be, especially without a bed underneath him. The only bed left in the house - they could've asked the Alexandrians to give them more; with one bed per house as they were, there were enough for each of them, but something told him  fervently  not to ask that of them - was being occupied by Carl and Judith, while Rick and everyone else were left on the floor.

The others were in small sleeping groups. Not Rick. He was in an empty room on the upper floor, eyes fixed on the moonlight filtering through the window instead of closed and trying to rest.

Carl had been so right in calling him an hypocrite.

Nothing would change Negan's words and Rick's decision, but with what right did he call Negan a bad man when Rick had so happily leaped into his way of doing things as long as he got a part of the benefits? If it got him what he wanted, Rick wouldn't hesitate to pull a gun on an innocent man. To take beds from a whole community and make them sleep on the floor.

He'd lost so much of himself, carelessly thrown away so many values and let himself be dragged down into kill or die. When was the last time he had been concerned with whether what he was doing was right or wrong? He hadn't thought about morals since the Governor, since he ripped that man's throat with his teeth, since he wiped out Terminus.

And then he'd fallen right into Negan's hands and all of that had been given a purpose. It was no longer wild, but there it was. Thinking he was helping build something, Negan's something, he hadn't even been fully aware of just how cruel he could be.

Scratch that. He  _ was _ aware of it. He just didn't care. Rick didn't regret anything he had done to survive, but he wished he hadn't become so damn numb to it.

He needed much more than getting away from Negan's system if he wanted to wash it all away and Judith to be as pure as she should be. Rick needed to build his own morals from their ashes once again. He couldn't expect anything to really change until he understood the weight of taking a life like he once had.

But no, he shook these thoughts away. He had to put it all on Negan. He needed to. At least until he was far away and changing his mind wasn't a choice.

His mind was full of guilt, accusations, rage and denial by the time he managed to fall asleep.

And barely half an hour later he was shaken awake by a gunshot.

“Rick! You little fucking backstabbing slut! I know you're hiding somewhere in here so come the fucking fuck out! Let's not waste our time, get your pretty as all fuck ass here right now!”

There were two more gunshots that sounded dangerously close. With his heart beating at the base of his throat and a deadly cold taking over every pore of his skin Rick cautiously approached the window and took a peek outside.

Negan, dressed in his black leather that seemed to melt into the dark of the dimly lighted Alexandrian night, stood there, two houses down on the same street Rick was. Rick didn't need to see the details on his face to know that he was shaking with uncontrollable rage. Around him stood enough Saviors to let Rick know that any attempt at fighting him off was a suicide.

Negan shoot into the sky one more time to the scream of “You filthy cocksucker! I have an inch of my patience left so you better work your ass off to make sure it doesn't run out!”

There was no danger of being spotted in his location. Rick still stumbled back away from the window so fast he almost tripped and latched onto the opposite wall, shaking wide eyes fixed on the window and irregular breaths violently coming out of his lips.

_ Not a sound. Please, Judith, I know it's scary and loud but please don't wake up, please don't cry. Please, please, please. _

When the door opened and Carl came in Rick immediately brought a finger to his lips. Carl, visibly nervous as he was, kept himself composed and nodded almost calmly. They remained quiet, straining their ears for any sound. It looked like Negan's initial outburst had come down.

“Did anyone turn the lights on downstairs?” Rick whispered so low he was barely above mouthing the words. Carl shook his head.

“No. It's all dark and all quiet.”

Rick absently muttered his approval as he looked at the window again. He was tempted to take another look, but he quickly rejected the idea. His fingers ran furiously through his hair as he silently cursed to himself again and again.

“Dad, what do we do?”

“Stay fucking quiet.”

“We can't do that all night!”

“You think I don't know that? I'm thinking, dammit, give me a minute!”

Little more than five minutes had passed since Negan last spoke when his voice boomed in again.

“Alright, honey, I'm giving you one more chance before I break into every damn house in this shithole and drag you out by your perfect damn curls! I know you're all 'oh, violence is bad and it makes my penis sad, I'm a corny cartoon character giving morals to the children' all of fucking sudden, so how about this? You come out right now and I don't kill this sorry sonofabitch I got right here!”

He had to look. As carefully as before, ignoring the few that had gone upstairs to gather in front of his door, Rick approached the window. Negan was a house closer this time, furiously snapping his head all around as if he expected Rick to come to him from any direction. Lucille was in one hand, her wire shining eerily under the streetlights. With his other hand, he held a man's arm.

He was from Alexandria. Rick had seen him a few times but couldn't conjure up his name. Probably hadn't even bothered to learn it. He had a look of utter horror on his twisted face, his whole body was shaking, and Rick wouldn't have been surprised if there was a dark stain in the front of his pants.

Rick's first instinct was to let him die, let his demise buy him a couple more minutes to figure something out. But there was nothing to figure out, was there? He knew he was going to be found sooner rather than later. He'd be letting the man die for nothing, and if he wanted his conscience to be alive again, he had to start feeding it.

He didn't know what the others thought, but his mind was made up. It scared him to the core of his heart, freezing it, but he saw no outcome with anything possibly going good unless he gave Negan what he was asking for. Stepping over his own fear Rick rushed downstairs, everyone getting out of his way, and opened the door. The beating of his heart was only slightly painful as he did so. He knew at least a couple went after him, but he barely registered it at all.

He went out to the street, arms up, and slowly walked up to where Negan was. He realized that he was sweating and his curls were starting to stick to his forehead, and he couldn't help but snort. He knew for a fact Negan loved it when he looked like that.

Negan's distorted grimace of anger smoothed down into calm impassivity the moment he saw Rick. Someone else would have thought there was nothing to read on the loose line of his lips or the neutrality of his eyes, apparently void of the emotions, genuine or fake, that invariably filled up the man's face. Rick, thought, could see the  maelstrom of fire and brimstone underneath his eyes, even from this distance. It made his knees shake.

They stared each other down for a minute. Then Negan turned around and used Lucille on the side of the man he was holding hostage. His elbow and ribs gave out under the strength of the hit, and the man fell to his knees, crying out loud in pain. Rick cringed visibly when he hit the ground. The blankness was gone from Negan; an amused smile occupied his face now.

“I said I wouldn't kill him, nothing about not harming him” he mused quietly. He turned his attention back to Rick and tilted his head. “I see four of you. Tell the others to come out or I'll burn the house down with them inside.”

Three minutes later everyone who had been in the house with him was out on the street under the menace of the Saviors' guns. Rick's sweating was heavier and his lips, mouth and throat felt made of sandpaper. He cried out when he saw Judith coming out of the house too. Negan ruffled her hair lightly, then  entrusted  her to someone else. He had a strange look on his eyes when he regarded Rick after that. He shook his head slightly. Rick knew he meant that no harm was going to come to her, and for some reason he believed him. Negan loved Judith, he knew that much. There was a brief second of relief that allowed him to breath, and then he was suffocating all over again when he was pushed to kneel down.

He and his family were all on their knees, right there on the streets of Alexandria. Negan stood in front of them, dark, tall, powerful, unable to be escaped from. Shadows covered most of his face. Lucille hung at his side.

He was an executioner.

Rick licked his lips. “Who was it?” he asked hoarsely.

Negan's eyes shone. He pointed his bat to someone on Rick's left, never looking away from him.

“Eugene, stand up.”

Fidgety, cowardly, rational Eugene did as he was told. He walked almost bent as if carrying an enormous weight, with his head down and eyes refusing to turn even a hint in the direction of all the people staring at him. He looked so much smaller than he really was. He only looked up, hesitant and afraid, once he was next to Negan.

If he expected any sort of friendliness from him, he didn't find it. Negan's eyes were hard, unemotional, and his lips formed a sneer. “I'm still trying to decide if I should reward you for being the only smart one here or tear your skin out inch by inch for betraying Rick” he whispered in a low, rumbly voice. “Get the fuck out of my sight before I make up my mind.”

Eugene made a sound similar to that of a scared mouse and then he was lost between the crowd of Saviors, in which Rick spotted Simon, who was giving him an apologetic awkward look. Negan's attention was then back on those kneeling on the ground. He let Lucille's end sit on the asphalt as his hard, unmoved eyes examined the face of each and every one of them. By the time he was done and he approached Rick, he was outright shaking with anger.

“What the actual fuck, Rick?” he gritted out, a scream into Rick's still shaking face. Then he let out a laugh, cold and bone-chilling. “Maybe my mind's playing a fucking nasty trick on me, but oh wait, aren't those all the motherfuckers who came with you? Oh right, I forgot, you call them your  _ family _ . God, I wanna fucking puke on top of you” he spat out. Every word was less and less composed, trembling and distorted under the weight of furious yelling. “I warned you, Rick, I fucking warned you! Next time you made a  distinction  between your people and my people, you'd fucking regret it! And fuck me sideways if you're not about to.”

His voice had lost some of the volume, back on conversational tone, but the anger was ever-peaking. Negan grinned, all toothy sharp angles, and he brought a hand to his forehead as he let out a soft laugh.

“Sasha, honey, I thought we were getting along just fine! You've just broken my goddamn heart. Carol, I gotta say I expected more from you. You should've fucking knocked Rick down and tied him up instead of letting him pull this crazy shit, and you know it. Carl, son, I know the idea of me boning your old man isn't pleasant for you, but  _ really _ ? All of you, actually. I'm so fucking disappointed in all of you. I welcomed you with open arms and now you go and backstab me. You're damn revolting. I should make you eat your own flesh and then have your heads on fucking spikes.”

Negan paused. Rick, even while flinching with every single word the man spoke, could see that he was getting too worked up. Negan took a deep breath, pinched his nose, and turned around. He took a few steps, then swirled right back, dangerous smirk perfectly in place again. He downright sauntered to his previous spot, but midway through he decided he wanted to speak to Michonne now. Negan settled in front of her, Lucille perched over his shoulder, eyebrow raised.

To her credit, Michonne was unfazed under the tall figure, which was more than could be said about everyone else, except perhaps Carl, who all of sudden didn't seem to disagree so much with Rick's desire to get away from the man. Negan slowly licked his lower lip, eyes fixed on the woman with a cold glint.

“And you? God _ damn _ , talk about a sore loser!” Negan chuckled, apparently calm, but when he next spoke his voice was an outraged scream, loomed over her with his face twisted in murderous fury. “You bitch had your fucking chance with him and let it go! You couldn't stand it, did you? It was killing you, knowing I was the one to have him when it could've been you! You hate me for it, right? So you went and wrapped him up, convinced him to betray and leave me! It's all your fucking fault, you goddamn bitch!”

Rick gritted his teeth. His nails broke and bled trying to dig into the asphalt under them. “Don't you fucking call her that!”

“You shut the fuck up! Did you hear anyone giving you the goddamn right to open your shitty mouth, Rick? No! You don't get to talk until I fucking tell you so, or I swear I'll rip your tongue out with my own bare hands!”

Negan was panting, chest heaving as he glared at Rick, loomed over him. A silence settled on the scene, so heavy over them that it was hard to breathe through it. It felt like the air was thick, refusing to move into Rick's nostrils and provide him with the oxygen he needed. Maybe that was why he'd felt light-headed since he saw Negan on the street.

Negan's gaze slowly settled down into relative calmness. Rick wouldn't say he looked peaceful, but the anger was gone, on the surface level at least. There was an almost curious look to Negan's face as he  squatted  down in front of Rick, using Lucille to support himself. His head was tilted, his eyes narrowed.

“What am I gonna do with you, Rick?” Negan mused softly, so low only Rick could hear it.

Rick's voice was wavy and frail, just like the rest of him. “Negan, w- we can talk about this, figure it out. Just, let's talk, alright? No rushed decisions, please. Nothing has to get worse than it already is.”

Negan blinked, moved his head back a couple inches. A sharp laugh came out of him, trying to hide what was lying underneath. “Oooooh, so  _ now _ you want to talk! Fuck me over, if my memory works right you didn't want that before this happened! No, Rick, you didn't. You didn't even talk to me.”

The sensation of being suffocated by something strange on his chest took hold of Rick. It was physically painful and slowly driving him mad. It was his turn for a weak, shaky, incredulous laugh. “I tried to, dammit! That's the first thing I did! I tried to talk to you and what did you do? You threatened me, Negan. After all we've done together, you fucking threatened me.”

Negan huffed, completely throwing aside Rick's words. “Aaaaaah, I get it. It doesn't work out at the very first try so you think 'hey, I gotta get the fuck away from here right fucking now, no other options at all because I'm a dramatic little shit'. Gee Rick, maybe it's just me but I would swear we've built something together, you and me. That means you don't pull this kind of shit, love. You don't give up on me so fucking easy, you don't leave me at the first hardship. If everything had gone like you wanted I'd have woken up to find you just gone and that’s it. Don't do that, Rick. Don't you ever fucking do that.”

There was a slight, barely noticeable trembling on Negan's jaw, in full tension and tilted to a side. His lips were slightly open, showing a hint of his teeth, and his eyes were burning up almost feverishly. For his part, Rick had gone cold and distant, even through the sweat and gleamy, scared eyes. He regarded the man in front of him as a stranger, nothing more than a menace, even if his nails were digging into his thigh so hard it hurt.

“You know what? I thought we had built something, too, but turns out it only looked like it. That stuff works both ways, Negan. Don't you dare tell me I should've tried again because we both know you'll never accept anything but exactly what you want. You don't get to say that I've failed and betrayed you when you don't see me as anything but a toy to do whatever you want with. If anyone's got the right to be angry here, it ain't you. But it's not like you're gonna care about that, right?”

“Maybe you're right, Rick. Maybe we got problems. Maybe we're pretty fucked up. But you know what? That doesn't mean shit right now. Because right here, right now, there is only one thing that matters. Wanna know what it is?”

All the rage had seeped out of Negan's voice and face. Now he was calm, composed, cold and distant. His soft eyes eyes took in every single shift in Rick's face and his warm breath hit Rick's lips again and again. Rick's heart was beating erratic and violent in his chest.

Negan came an inch closer.

“You hurt me, Rick. Really hurt me. And it's only fair that I hurt you right back.”

Before he could have time to ask what he meant Rick's lips were full of Negan, who had closed the distance to give Rick the slowest, gentlest kiss he had ever given him, for all to see. Negan's free hand held Rick's cheek reverently, traveled to the back of his head to hold him while he made their foreheads touch, and then he was stepping up and walking back. The look on his face was unreadable and chilled Rick to the core.

“Don't you worry, Rick. I could never hurt you. You're safe. Everyone else? Well, we'll have to wait and see.”

Once more Rick was suffocating. He shook as he watched Negan hold Lucille more steady, as he walked to the first person on his right - Maggie - and pointed the bat at her.

_ Eeny. _

No. No. No, please no. This couldn't be happening. Rick let out a suffocated cry as he tried to move forward, but he stopped when he felt a click and metal being pressed to the back of his skull.

“Negan, stop” he begged, voice desperate and shaky. “Please stop, you don't have to do this, you don't want to do this, please!”

_ Meeny. _

Rick's shaking got more and more intense every second. His teeth clicked together and he bit his tongue more than once. His throat was closed up altogether, stopping any air at all from getting into his lungs. He felt lightheaded, like he might pass out any second.

_ Miny. _

He realized there were tears on his eyes when the first one finally overflowed and fell down his cheek, mixing up with the sweat and falling to the ground. After it was out, the rest of them finally followed, freely running down his shaking face that moved violently every time he tried to breathe. He was hyperventilating and made pathetic, suffocated noises on the back of his throat with every bit of air that passed.

_ Mo. _

His mind was shutting down. All his thoughts became blurred and hazy, escaping his consciousness every time he tried to bring them up. There was only one that stayed sharply clear, attacking him again and again and again.

_ How can I have ever trusted this man? _

He couldn't watch anymore. He stared at the ground under him, struggling to remain aware of himself as Negan's sing-song reached his ears like far-off echoes. He didn't know how long it lasted. As far as he was aware Negan might have taken hours with his little game, or he might have done it in under one minute. Regardless of it, it felt like he had reached his dying hour when Negan said the last word.

…  _ It. _

It was absolute silence afterwards. It was soaking to the bone, heavy, and dead. Rick couldn't make himself look up, see who was going to die for following him. He just couldn't. He tried to, but every time he tried to face upwards he was met with that heaviness, forcing him to stay down, humiliated and defeated.

Negan's soft voice had to be the one to let him know.

“My my, what do we have here? If it ain't little Carl.”

Anything stopping Rick vanished in that second. His head snapped up, eyes wide and crazed, to see Negan standing in front of his son with his bat pointing at him. Carl was doing his best to stay  impassive but he could do nothing about his skin being white as  chalk , trembling all over.

No.

“Negan, please, no” Rick cried, screamed, ordered, yelled, asked, implored, begged. His voice was so affected by his sobs that he wasn't sure Negan could even understand him, but he didn't care. “Please don't do it, I'm begging you, I'm sorry. It's me, it's my fault, it's all on me. Kill me if you want, make me suffer, rip my arms and legs off but please don't harm him. Please, please, please, please...”

He dissolved into a weak mantra that eventually faded into simple sobs as he bent over, tears running down his face nonstop. Negan didn't listen to him, didn't even look at him, but he was frozen in the same position he was before. His knuckles were white around Lucille, his head was shaking hard enough for everyone to see it, and his face, cold and harsh, was breaking around the edges to let the thunderstorm underneath be seen.

Negan didn't say anything. Instead, he nodded at some point behind Rick, and then he was hit in the head. The world went black.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

Rick woke up on a truck.

He became aware of himself, of the seat he was on, of the feeling of the wheels rolling on the road, and the next second he snapped his eyes open as everything that had happened attacked him in one hard hit.

The first thing he saw was Negan in the seat in front of his, his hard face covered in soft shadows and aiming a gun at him. Rick trembled, suppressed the urge to jump to him and tear his skin out, and forced himself to stay right where he was.

They stared into one another's unmoving, almost unblinking eyes for a while. It looked like Negan didn't feel the desire to say anything, so eventually it was Rick who broke the silence.

“Where is Carl?” he demanded. His voice was hard, cold, and furious. Negan didn't seem affected by it. There was no change at all on his face, and only when Rick  assumed  he wasn't going to get any answer did he speak in a calm, fake-casual tone.

“Carl is alright.”

Rick didn't believe him, but he knew better than to say anything else. Neither of them spoke a single word in the hour they still had to travel. All the while they stared into the other's eyes.

When they finally reached the Sanctuary and Rick was dragged out of the truck, though, Rick saw something that made his legs weak and he almost fell to the floor with a cry, all the ice he had built up melting on the spot. Everyone that had been kneeling with him in that street was coming out of their own trucks, too, all looking shaken and scared, but alright.

Among them Rick saw his son. He was pale and scared, but as far as Rick could see he was fine. He held Judith close to him. His face broke into something weak when he saw Rick in the distance, just like Rick's had. Rick breathed as if it was the first time he had done so in years and tried to lunge forward towards his children, but Negan's hand closed like a vice around his arm, stopping him from doing so.

“You don't get to talk to him tonight” he grunted, dark and feral. “You can do whatever the fuck you want tomorrow, but now you're coming with me.”

Then Rick was being dragged down into the factory and up the stairs. Maybe some other time he would have fought Negan, yanked his arm away, knock him out and run outside to check on his son. Not now. He was too exhausted, numb, and defeated now. All he wanted was to listen to whatever the man wanted to say to him and then curl himself around a pillow and fall asleep.

He didn't even register where they were going until Negan opened the door to Rick's room and shoved him inside, following afterwards. Just as Rick was recovering his balance Negan took hold of his face, grabbing him by the jaw, fingers digging into his cheeks.

“You belong to me!” he screamed into his face. Rick couldn't help but flinch.

Rick stayed silent, dumbly staring back. Negan gritted his teeth and slapped him only to grab his face again immediately afterwards. “I speak, you answer!”

Rick's eyes went tightly shut, breathed deeply as he tried to get control of his trembling body and erase the knot on his throat.

“I belong to you” he spoke, soft and weak but very clear. Negan grinned ferally, the gesture still full of danger.

“You'll follow my every order.”

“I'll follow your every order.”

“Your place is at my side.”

“My place is at your side.”

“You'll never leave me.”

“I'll never leave you.”

“Never, Rick. You can't leave me, I won't allow it” Negan grunted, and had Rick put enough attention to it, he'd have noticed the slight trembling to his voice, right underneath the authority. Negan's face had distorted into a pained,  anguished  grimace, but he didn't notice that either.

Negan leaned in for a long, deep, possessive and bruising kiss, shoving his tongue into Rick's mouth and taking everything from him. Then he moved away, stared at the other man and turned around.

“I'll see you later” he muttered right before slamming the door shut and leaving Rick alone with his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides* PLS DON'T HATE ME


	13. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan wanted to keep Rick at his side no matter how. He should have understood that all he was doing was push him away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! I know I've left you hanging for a long while after a hell of a cliffhanger. Really hope this will make up for it!

Later that night, or early the next morning, possibly - Rick couldn’t tell for sure and neither could he bring himself to minimally care - the door opened again.

The room had been completely silent for what felt like a long time that might have been hours just as much as it might have been barely more than twenty minutes, and the usually barely noticeable noise was suddenly deafening and making Rick flinch as his heart beat at the base of his throat. However, he didn’t react further than that. His aching eyes remained refusing to seek rest and shut, choosing instead to stay fixed on the wall, barely even blinking.

He didn’t react either when he felt the mattress dipping down behind him. He could feel as boots were kicked out and then a body settled in behind him, chest flat against Rick’s back and arms coming around him to tug him closer. A soft, hesitant kiss was placed on his temple, and then Rick’s head was maneuvered to rest under the man’s chin.

Rick expected Negan to go for far more than spooning. Truth be told, he wouldn’t have raised any sort of fight if he had. After the night he was still in the process of accepting, he lacked the strength to refuse anything. He almost craved it, even, wished that Negan would leave a soft trail of kisses down his neck and slip his hands under his shirt, caress him, make him shiver and moan and forget. When he felt this broken, any sort of comfort was good, regardless of whom it came from.

Negan didn’t want that, though. Once he was settled and snuggled up close, he kissed Rick on his nape, even gentler than before, and then did nothing. His breathing was slow, hot and heavy on Rick’s ear, so close that he could imagine he felt his lips pressed against it. If he noticed the way Rick’s body tensed up, stiff as wood, under his touch, he decided not to acknowledge it. He just remained cuddling, his hold calm and relaxed, for so long that Rick started to suspect that he had just fallen asleep.

“You know I wouldn’t have hurt him, right?”

Negan’s voice when he spoke sounded borderline weak, a slight tremor threatening to show underneath, and there was a desperate accent to it. He spoke soft, afraid to break the silence, and gripped Rick tighter as if he needed him to ground himself down.

Rick didn’t answer. He finally closed his eyes; he had had enough of reality.

“Rick, answer. You know it, right?” There was something yearning in Negan’s voice, and when he didn’t find an answer he squirmed against Rick’s body. “Come the fuck on, honey, that shit’s not fucking cool. I was angry as fuck and I was scared of you going away and leaving me behind and hell, I was fucking hurt you wanted to leave me in the first place. Don’t you get how I felt? I wanted you to piss your pants for a while, that’s all. You know I could never hurt that kid. Hell, I didn’t want to hurt any of them, I know how fucking much they mean to you. You gotta know that, I know you do.”

Negan didn’t get an answer this time, either. His voice broke around the edges.

“Rick, please tell me you know that.”

“I don’t.”

Rick’s voice was, in contrast, sure and sharp. He felt Negan flinch like he had been hit, momentarily leaving a few inches between them that soon were gone again.

“Rick, look at me. Honey, sweetie, look at me.” He shook Rick’s shoulders lightly, but he didn’t get anything. “Goddammit” he grunted under his breath. Rick felt him raise a bit, stretch his hand out and touch his chin with the tip of his fingers, a silent plea to turn his face. “Fucking hell, Rick, look at me. I’m asking you. _Please_.”

Rick didn’t yield, and for a moment he thought that Negan was going to make him. The fingers did grasp him; however, they simply retreated a moment later, vaguely tracing the outline of his jaw before going back behind him. Negan sighed deep and tired as he hid his face on Rick’s back.

“Rick, don’t be like this. Dammit, you know me!”

“No, Negan, I really don’t” Rick replied, bitter and scathing as he momentarily broke out of the cocoon of apathy he’d made for himself. “I don’t know you and I don’t think I ever have. You’re just a stranger that fucked me, that’s all.”

“Bullshit” Negan grunted angrily. His hold around Rick’s waist tightened to the border of painful. “You’ve been with me fucking long enough to know me and what I do. You know that I’m telling you the goddamn truth. Hell, I couldn’t even think of hurting you! Rick, baby, please look at me. Please look at my eyes and tell me you don’t believe me.” Negan nudged him lightly. “C’mon, honey, c’mon.”

For a second, Rick considered the possibility of turning around, give in to Negan’s desperate pleas. Then he snarled at the thought and covered his face with his arms, twisting away from Negan as much as he could.

“Leave me alone, Negan. Please.”

There was silence, a heavy, defeated silence. Rick couldn’t see it, but he could imagine the way Negan’s twisted face nodded pitifully, could almost feel the broken curve of his lips and the frenzied look on his eyes. The mattress moved under a change of weight and Negan leaned to press a kiss into his neck, something chaste and soft.

Rick didn’t acknowledge Negan’s presence again, not when he moved away and fumbled with his boots and not when he stood up. He could feel Negan’s eyes on him, his heavy breath too even from this distance.

“Will see you around, Rick” the man finally sighed, low and resigned. “And that’s not a fucking offer.”

Rick still didn’t acknowledge him. Only when the door closed and he heard the sound of heavy steps moving away did he lose his grip on himself. His hand fisted on the pillow, his teeth gritted, and even though his eyes were closed in a dark room, he saw red. His eyes burned and he felt new tears forming and falling. He took a shaky breath, trying to hold himself together, but his efforts were useless. He gave in and cried into his pillow until he fell asleep.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

It was two hours past lunch time when Rick finally decided that he’d had enough sleep. For a few hours, he’d had a deep, dreamless sleep, allowing him a hint of rest from the experiences and images of the night. Not too long after, though, his body decided he couldn’t sleep anymore. He spent hours alternating between staring at the wall, eyes heavy and hurting with exhaustion, and moments of shallow rest that got cut the moment he fell into it too deep. By the time he got up, he had been awake for one hour and a half without any possibility to fall asleep again.

He didn’t get up because his muscles were sore, or he was hungry, or needed to move, although all of those were true. It wasn’t out of the raw necessity to stop just lying down, either. No, what drove him to finally get out of bed was, plainly and exclusively, the need he felt to see Carl.

He had wasted enough time in self-pity, he thought, angry at himself. His son could have died yesterday and here he was, too busy lying down to check on him. There were more important things to do than wail in his misery.

He didn’t bother fixing himself up before going out; he got out as he was and started going down the hall. He stopped a few steps later, though. Where should he go? Given the time, he very much doubted anyone would be getting food - even if it was the right time he doubted any of the people he was looking for would be there - and the thought of going around aimlessly, risking any encounter with any Savior, made him bristle. The thought of asking Negan was rejected almost before it entered his mind, so violently that he had to repress a snarl.

He ended deciding to see if Carol and the others were in their rooms or had been given prisoner treatment. Carl and Judith had been with them last night, after all, and he could only assume they still were.

As it turned out, not only was Carol in her room, but a handful seconds into embracing her - which he leaped into doing as soon as he laid eyes on her - she shifted to angle him in position to see inside the room. Rick tilted his head up and a deep, warm rush of absolute relief surged through his body as he let out a breath that he felt like it had been poisoning him since last night.

Carol let him go and Rick rushed to go embrace Carl, who dove right into his dad’s arms. It was a testament to how badly shaken his son had been last night that he didn’t even pretend any sort of reluctance; he simply let Rick’s arms surround him and gripped him tighter when Rick let out a shaky, relieved almost-sob and kissed his head.

“Oh God, Carl” Rick whispered with a shaky voice, suddenly breathless. “I was so worried about you, I… Are you alright? Did he do anything to you? I swear to god, if he touched one hair on you-”

“I’m alright, dad” Carl assured, voice softer, in a way weaker than it usually was, and Rick realized it was because he had completely dropped that edge of roughness he always tried to have around himself. He wasn’t a man, he was a teen through and though now, and it showed in the way he tried to smile reassuringly at his dad, taking his hand away from his face where Rick was trying to check for any possible injuries. “He didn’t do anything to me, he just put me in a truck and brought me here with the rest, didn’t even touch me. You’re the only one who got harmed, when you got knocked out.”

Rick still checked him out thoroughly, seeking to appease the anxiety within him, before accepting his words and calm down, for now at least, tilting his head with a confused scowl. “Why didn’t you show up at our room last night?”

“Huh… Negan said you were very tired and needed to rest, said I had to leave you alone to sleep in peace. He’s gonna let me go back tonight, though.”

Rick grunted. “You’re gonna come with me with or without his permission. Let him try and stop me.”

Carl sighed, but there was an undeniable fondness, and most of all, relief to the gesture. He let his father stay close, finish reassuring himself that his son was alright, when they sat down on the bed and Rick discussed matters with Carol.

Apparently, there had been no retaliation on Negan’s part towards their attempt to flee other than the spectacle last night on Alexandria. They had been sent to their rooms, the ones that no longer lived at the Sanctuary had been accommodated with them, and in the morning everything continued as if nothing at all had happened, other than a few looks they got from time to time.

They had been working all morning, as usual, and now they were resting. As far as Negan and the Saviors were concerned, it seemed that there was nothing demanding any immediate hysteria.

Well, not ‘nothing’.

“And where’s Judith?” Rick inquired eventually, already assured that there had been no victims last night other than his own emotional stability and having catched up to everything. His son was alright, and now he direly needed to hold his daughter. He looked at Carl, expecting him to say that she was with Maggie or Michonne or someone else. Anyone but Eugene.

However, Carl hesitated, almost flinched. He looked down and scratched the back of his neck. He spoke as if afraid of Rick’s reaction. “She, huh… Negan took her last night, said he’d look after her while you were, em, not up to it.”

As soon as it was said, any good spirits or warmth that Rick might have managed to gather promptly left him, leaving him as cold inside - a coldness with a core of burning anger - as his face was hard. Carl and Carol awaited for his reaction.

“I see how it is” Rick stated, composed and controlled. He stood up in an almost mechanical way, but before he could take a step towards the door, Carl grasped his arm.

“Dad, please don’t do anything stupid” he asked, and all the calmness he had held up during the conversation seemed to be suddenly gone, leaving him insecure and scared. Rick gently pulled his arm free.

“Rick” Carol called too, careful but firm. “We’ve tempted him enough as it is. If you anger him again, you’re going to regret it. All of us are gonna regret it. Just… Be careful and don’t antagonize him, alright? We can’t get away from him, not as we are right now, so for the time being let’s cooperate and make the best of it.”

Rick froze with his hand on the door. He closed his eyes, breathed deeply. His nostrils widened and the muscles of his neck visibly shifted. He slowly turned to give Carol a cold smile that wasn’t even the tip of what was inside him.

“With all due respect, Carol, I got no intention of playing submissive bitch to him. Over my dead body.”

Rick got out before any answer came to him, and probably slammed the door shut harder than he should have, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. No one, not his son, and not the most efficient and ruthless person he’d ever met, would sway him.

He was single-minded as he went through the Sanctuary, teeth gritted and head slightly tilted down, scowl leading his march. Everything that wasn’t ‘find Negan’ was sort of a haze that stopped him from noticing anything but what was right in front of him, ignoring everyone else.

When he eventually found Negan on one of the hallways, he didn’t even notice that the man was talking to Arat. Negan was lacking that usual spark of his, standing without the energy he always held himself with, speaking in a calm, almost sober way instead of his cheerful, colourful chatter. Rick didn’t notice that either, just like he didn’t notice the way Negan perked up like he had a fire on his feet the moment Rick approached, face a sudden mix of anticipation and apprehension.

No; all Rick cared about was grabbing Negan’s arm, grunting a stiff “You’re coming with me,” and dragging the man away to somewhere more private. Negan didn’t fight him, didn’t even comment anything, just let Rick lead the way. That much Rick did notice.

They ended up on Negan’s room. Rick shoved the man inside and closed the door firmly. By the time he faced Negan again, he had made away with any trace of anything that could be read as weakness, sporting a cocky, fake smile and regarding Rick with his hands on his hips.

“What’s the fucking matter, sweetie? As I said, everything’s nice and fucking fine, isn’t it? Nothing to get your goddamn panties in a goddamn twist about. The kid’s fine, everyone’s skull is in one piece, and I’m allowing you all to go back to work as if none of that shit had happened. Don’t you agree that that’s damn gracious of me?”

Rick’s only response was to glare even harder, if that was possible, and skip any pleasantry.

“Where is Judith?” he almost barked. Negan’s mask of easiness trembled for a moment, briefly showing a disappointed expression with eyes of anger, before it came back in full force. Negan simply gave a lazy smile and shrugged.

“She’s with my wives. She’s in good hands so calm your shit down.”

“You don’t get to decide what to do with her. She’s not your daughter.”

“She might as well be” Negan replied, sharp and cutting, as his eyes narrowed and a hint of a snarl appeared on his lips. “I remember you telling me about how your dearest, loyal, wonderful buddy Shane left you for dead and banged your equally loyal missus to hell and back. You don’t know if she’s got your blood, so what the hell makes you more of her dad than me? I think I’m gonna do whatever I want, fuck you very much.”

Rick’s eyes widened and he felt his mouth go dry. For a moment his breath failed as he dove back into those memories of doubt and fear, all those years ago when he felt like he wasn’t good enough, when the menace of Shane taking his family away kept him from sleeping at night. It gripped at him again and made him doubt, for the briefest moment, if he had a right to hold Judith.

He shook it away, at the same time he wished he had never trusted Negan with that part of his life. Or any of them at all.

As soon as he had said that, Negan regretted it. Any attempt at looking smug and in control, as if he couldn’t be affected at all by Rick’s presence, flew out of the window as remorse, clear and sharp, settled on its place. He let Rick see it for a moment before going to a more neutral expression, faint smile on his face but not quite as smug as it was before. He did make an attempt to be softer as he gestured to reach towards Rick, but he hadn’t moved more than a few inches before he changed his mind and settled into his earlier position, shrugging. His eyes flickered away for a fraction of second but then he met Rick’s again, and Rick could see a hint of the desperate anguish Negan had showed the night before, even if he tried to hide it now.

“I’m sorry, Rick” he said, his voice quieter and softer than Rick’d have expected. He made an attempt to make his words appealing and honey-like, but there was a clear hint of uncertainty underneath. He cursed under his breath and scratched his nape. “That was… That was assholeish of me. More than usual, I mean. It’s bullshit and we both know it, you’re her dad more than I’ll ever be, more than Shane would’ve ever been, sperm donor or not. I had no right to say anything like that.”

Rick didn’t reply, didn’t say anything at all. He just tightened his jaw, crossed his arms as he swallowed thickly and stared blankly at the man. Negan traced an attempt of a cocky smile as he stepped a bit closer to Rick. His voice came out low and soft, bordering seductive.

“Please, baby, please talk to me. Listen to me, at least. Will you pretty please do that?” Rick didn’t answer in any way and the line Negan’s smile got crooked. “Rick, sweetie, come on. I’m sorry, alright? Last night… It was a mess. A huge fucking mess and I wish none of it had had to happen at all. I just… That fucker Eugene told me you were gonna leave and I said ‘no fucking way Rick’d do that to me’. But then you were gone and it hit me that I was going to lose you and I kinda went fucking nuts, you know? I was fucking panicking and I do shit when I’m panicking. I just need you so much, baby, so damn much. I can’t lose you.”

Rick hated it. Hated that tone of Negan’s voice, like he was talking to a child that needed to be convinced to be reasonable and behave. He shook with anger, and in that moment he hated Negan. Outright hated him like he hadn’t had time to the night before. Just like he hated that he couldn’t tell if the hint of shakiness he felt underneath his voice, aching and yearning, was really there or just his own wishful thinking. Like he hated that part of him that wanted Negan to hold him like he had last night, be comforted and put everything behind.

But then the memory of the moment Lucille had pointed at Carl flashed through his mind and he felt himself dying just as much as he had then, and any desire to give in to Negan’s  desires shattered to dust.

“So you’re saying this is my fault, that I should apologize for running away and forcing your hand into threatening my son’s life” he commented dryly.

“Fuck, don’t you do that! I’m trying to say sorry and you just-”

“You’re not apologizing. You just want me to forgive you, but you don’t regret anything. Tell me you don’t understand why I wanted to leave” Rick prompted. “That you don’t know what exactly is it that pushed me away. That you can’t put yourself in my position and get why I felt betrayed and afraid and in danger. That you don’t see why last night fucking destroyed me.”

A minimal amount of shame joined the emotions that made up Negan’s expression, and for a moment he couldn’t stand the heat of Rick’s gaze, had to look away. He took a deep breath and came back, willing to accept the weight of Rick’s words. There were no attempts at smugness now, just calm skepticism.

“What, you think I don’t get that being pushed down and menaced like that, thinking your kid’s about to die, is fucking scary? I do, hell yeah I do. But then again, that’s the whole damn point. And then again, it’s just a scare, and that’s it. You made me feel shitty, I made you feel shitty, we’re in peace. Sure, right now I wish I had been less damn dramatic, but,” he shrugged, “it’s done now. No one harmed so we just go about our lives as usual. And maybe, well, yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have been so damn rude when you asked me to have some space. I’m man enough to admit I screwed up there.”

For all that he was livid, with a sour taste of bilis and indignation in the back on his throat, Rick felt a small deal of pleasure when Negan admitted that he had been the one to get it all going wrong in the first place. Not that it changed anything, but it was still good to hear.

“Why did you do it?” he inquired, allowing his voice to be somewhat more composed. “That reaction… I still don’t fully understand it. What made you say that?”

Negan’s expression shifted, and for a moment he took on a closed-off, borderline bitter expression. He pressed his lips together in a tight line, looked away, and when his eyes came back it was gone. He continued as if Rick had said nothing.

“Doesn’t mean you had to go the fuck out like I was gonna murder you any moment, though. That was pretty shitty of you.”

Rick blinked a couple times, but decided he had enough on his plate as it was without trying to uncover the depths of Negan’s mind. At this point, he doubted he ever would. “Well, perhaps. But it was pretty shitty of you what you did in Alexandria, too. Far shittier.”

“You’re right” Negan conceded almost casually. “Shitty as a bath of cow shit up to the neck. But, again, no harm done other than your pride. I’m sure we can work our way around that.”

There was a moment of silence. Negan’s eyes bored into Rick, who decided he had had enough eye contact and turned away, giving Negan his shoulder. The man hesitated, tried to reach out and touch him, but Rick shifted away with a grunt.

“Well, in any case, now you got your submissive little bitch for you to take whenever you feel like it. So right, wrong, who cares? You get what you wanted.”

Outright horror took over Negan’s face, immediately washing over anything else. He shook his head violently. “What? No. Fuck no. Rick, I didn’t bring you here so you’d be my bitch. Fuck, I won’t put a hand of you until you forgive me.”

“That’s not gonna happen.”

“Sure it isn’t” Negan grunted before continuing. “I brought you back because I need you here. I need to see you’re safe and not dead somewhere without me even knowing. You get that?”

 _I get that I’m not safe here_ , Rick bited back. He brought his hand to his brow, massaging his incoming migraine away.

“Well, what am I gonna do here? You gonna put me back to work like the rest?”

“Nope” Negan replied, gaining some of his casual attitude with the word. He grinned somewhat easily. “Last night was intense as fuck for you. Now you gonna rest for a few days, and then, once we’ve left this bullshit behind and we’re good, we can go about our lives as usual.”

Rick snorted and felt anger crawling through his insides. How did Negan dare expect things to just go back to normal? He had no fucking right. He let out a low snarl and, considering the conversation over, turned around to leave.

“Rick” Negan called, voice now giving away a hint of urgency and fear. Rick felt fingers ghost over his wrist, but they never closed around it. “I’m sorry, alright? I really am. Please forgive me.”

Negan sounded on the verge of wrecked, and for a second Rick’s treacherous heart had the urge to give in. However, he didn’t even turn around.

“Do you say that because you’re sorry or just because you want me to go back to you?”

He left before he could get an answer.

Later that night, Tanya showed up at Rick and Carl’s door with Judith on her arms. She stood awkwardly as Rick embraced his girl and sobbed in relief. She seemed unable to meet Rick’s eyes, but he pulled her into a hug and assured her that he didn’t have anything against her or any of the wives. His face went a little blank when she said Negan had been the one to ask her to deliver Judith, but he managed to smile at her.

Boh his children were alright. That was what mattered.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

In only a week’s time, things were fully back to normal. Rick’s presence was still intimidating enough that any Savior knew better than to act like anything had happened at all. Alexandria was getting pickups again, Michonne and the others were allowed to go back with a stern warning, and the rest were settled into their jobs.

Everyone except Rick, of course. He still refused to forgive Negan, or even interact with him at all, most of the time. Therefore, he was left idle as Carol took over his role as the boss of Alexandria for the time being.

He knew why Negan did it. Rick felt powerless, frustrated, and anxious, driven up the wall with the urge to do _something_. All his life, Rick had needed to have a task at hand to keep him grounded to the here and now. Without it, he felt useless and had far too much time to let his mind wander, think of how Negan punished him for not falling into his perfect mental picture.

The man didn’t even understand that Rick might need time, more than anything else. He wanted Rick’s forgiveness at any cost, and he wanted it fervently, immediately, pushing and pushing for it. He couldn’t stand having to let time make its work. He had softened his approach, sure, and Rick was more willing to listen him now, but forgiveness wasn’t even in his sights. Still, Negan didn’t see that no amount of ‘I love you’s would fix anything.

Now was a perfect example of it.

“I love you, Rick. Don’t you get it? I fucking love you. I need you. You can’t shut me away forever, I won’t fucking allow it.”

God, what a broken record.

They were on the roof of the Sanctuary. Rick sat near the edge, letting the fresh night wind wash over his face and hoping it would whisk away all he carried inside, leave him blissfully ignorant of everything surrounding him, if only for a few moments.

Of course, Negan had to come, standing against the wall a few feet away. It was far from being the first meeting they’d had after their conversation, although all of them had consisted on Negan longing for Rick’s presence while deciding to respect his boundaries, which mostly meant them being nearby with little words exchanged. This time, though, it seemed like Negan couldn’t stop himself, or at least less than usual. Rick guessed that meant he didn’t have to control himself either.

He snorted dryly. “I’m sure you love me _so much_ , Negan. You’ve been brilliant at showing it.”

He spoke scathingly, and he expected - and to some degree wished, just so he could make fun of it - Negan to react like an insulted kid and mindlessly contradict him, throw a whimsical killer’s version of a tantrum. What he got, however, was a surprisingly composed, surprisingly serene look from Negan’s eyes. The man hummed lowly and nodded, giving Rick a small smile.

“I get why you doubt it. Hell, you’re within your fucking right to, but it’s still true and you’re still being fucking stubborn. I love you, Rick Grimes, and I want to be with you more than anything else.”

Rick rolled his eyes and looked away, towards the void beyond the edge, choosing to ignore the sudden change of demeanor in Negan. The other got closer and sat beside Rick, leaving a foot of distance between them. For a couple minutes, silence reigned and it was almost nice. Nice enough to make Rick have to fight a relaxed hum, at least.

“It was when we came back from Alexandria, that first time” Negan began, low and calm. “I liked you before, of fucking course I did. I liked you a whole damn lot. You’re strong, smart, resourceful, and a good leader. You’ve been all of that without losing your humanity, which well, is a lot more than can be said about me. You’re a goddamn babe, too, and I’m not gonna lie and say that’s not a factor. To be honest, I think I was already in love with you, because you’re so damn _unique_ , but that was the moment it hit me. Tell me, Rick, do you remember what you told me when I asked you what you thought of the people in Alexandria?”

Rick shook his head. Negan traced a faint, fond smile.

“‘I think that the only way they can survive is if we force them to’” he recited as something he had told himself again and again. He probably had. “That was what you told me, and that’s the moment I knew you understood me.” He gave Rick a pointed look and laughed lightly at his puzzled expression. “You see, Rick, everyone believes that what I do is because I’m a power-thirsty madman who gets off on controlling others and making them do my dirty work. That’s not a lie. But what’s really at the core of it? People are stupid, Rick. I’m not, you’re not, but everyone else is. Maybe not individually, but as a whole, fuck, they’re cattle. I do what I do because the only way people are gonna survive is if we, you and me, force them into obeying us and doing what they gotta do. I don’t enjoy being cruel. Hell, I fucking hate killing. But it’s what I gotta do. And you’re the first person who’s ever understood that. Do you know what that meant for me? In that moment I told myself, ‘fuckity fuck, I love this man.”

Negan gave Rick an expectant, hopeful look. Rick thought about it for a moment and nodded.

“Makes sense then, I guess.”

“What makes sense?”

“What you did” Rick replied easily. “That night, when you hurt me. You loved Lucille and hurt her by cheating on her. You love me and hurt me by treating me like a possession and making me think you’d kill my son. I guess that hurting the people you love is just something you do.”

His statement sounded casual, and he had purposefully made it that even if it was anything but. He got what he wanted.

Negan’s smile froze as he tried to understand what Rick had said. Then, it slowly vanished to give way to a carefully neutral facade, that only lasted for a couple seconds before it gave way to something completely broken and devastated, which in turn got mixed with something else. Negan’s jaw was tense and shook, and looking at his eyes, Rick could see it was equal parts anger and pain. Negan’s eyes frantically searched Rick’s face for something that the man refused to give, and then he nodded. Negan stood up giving a derisive snarl.

“Good night, Rick” he whispered before leaving. There was no denying that his voice shook a bit, anger suddenly extinguished and leaving only what had caused it in the first place.

Rick had regretted it even as he said it. Even with all the remaining bitterness he felt, he had to repress the pained urge to after Negan and embrace him, cling to him and say sorry. He felt something shaking within himself, something that obstructed his lungs and made him wish to feel pain. He took a deep breath in a pointless attempt to do away with it and simply continued staring into the distance.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

One week later found Rick standing next to Arat as she negotiated with this Ezekiel loony from the Kingdom.

The day after his last conversation with Negan he had been given something to do. Not quite his old role with Alexandria yet, but something to occupy his mind with at the very least. Rick had considered going to Negan to thank him, but he shoved the thought away. Negan was making himself look like the devastated one here, as if he hadn’t been the one who shattered Rick’s soul to pieces for one night just out of spite for something he had caused himself. Rick couldn’t let himself forget that.

Besides, even if wanted to thank him, Negan had decided to start avoiding him. Rick had been trying to make himself think he was glad about that.

As much as he appreciated something to do now, after ten minutes of Arat’s dry monosyllables arguing with Ezekiel’s exuberant speech about whether or not the offering made up for a slight lack in the previous one, Rick had to go away, at least a few meters. It wasn’t like anyone else pretended to be a part of the discussion, anyway.

Besides, he had seen things from the not-benefited side of the equation, for a couple hours in Alexandria. He didn’t quite feel so carefree about it now.

He had been resting his back against a moderately far-away tree for a few minutes when he felt someone approaching. Rick opened his eyes and saw one of Ezekiel’s men standing in front of him, serious and attentive. He seemed to wait for some acknowledgement, but when Rick didn’t react to him at all, he just cleared his throat.

“I’m Richard” the man said somewhat stiffly, reaching out his hand. Rick eyed it for a few moments before cautiously taking it.

“Rick.”

“Rick” the man repeated and nodded, as if he was saying something extremely important. He gave a look over his shoulder to make sure they were alone, and then turned back to Rick. “I couldn’t help noticing that there’s some… Unhappiness, on your part, about this situation.”

For a long, long moment, all Rick did was stare at Richard as he weighed any potentially negative consequences of telling him to not get into something he had nothing to fucking do with. Eventually, though, he decided he had no reason to, so he nodded slowly without offering any words. Richard immediately relaxed and offered a smile that Rick didn’t return.

“That’s what I thought. I assume, then, that you’re at odds with the rest of the Saviors? Or that you don’t agree with this system?”

“A bit of both” Rick replied dryly. Richard’s smile grew faintly. He licked his lips.

“Rick, me and my people, and many others, are caught in the Savior’s cruelty. I’m sure you must be, too, in some way. And I wanted to know, would you be willing to help me do something about it?”

Silence.

“Are you telling me” Rick began carefully, “that you want me to betray Negan?”

There was a definitive uneasiness to his voice. Richard, however, only seemed to perk up.

“Do you know Negan personally? That would be fantastic! If you’re close to him, then you can do much to help the people under him. What do you think?”

Rick swallowed thickly. He stared at Richard long, deep and hard, as his words played over and over again in his head.

_Betray Negan._

His palm went up to indicate that he wanted some space, then he walked away a few meters, his back to the man, head tilted down. His mouth felt dry. Negan was, undoubtedly, the source of many, many problems for many people. Rick himself had been affected, but much more trouble was for people like Richard. Deanna. Jesus. Rick himself, if destiny had been different and he hadn’t ended up at the Sanctuary’s gate.

Hadn’t he himself thought about how wrong Negan’s system was? Hadn’t he wished he had never gone down Negan’s path, wished to have something to clean his conscience with?

He found himself considering it for a moment, even if just hypothetically. As it turned out, in that moment he hated himself so much more intensely than he resented Negan. Betray him, take him down, have a role in his -potential - death?  The thought made him wanna kill.

He had no doubts. He got his gun out and shot Richard on the stomach.

He didn’t pay attention to the interrupted discussion still going on, to the way all eyes were suddenly on him. He barely noticed how Richard’s hands pressed over his wound and he shook, pale and scared. He simply shot again as he took a step forward, this time to the head.

He let out a little scream go out through his gritted teeth. Richard was on the floor, lying dead, and still Rick shot again, and again. How did he dare? How could he even imply that he backstabbed Negan like that? Red fury blinded the edges of his vision as he kept emptying his gun on the man.

All the fury he had kept locked up inside of himself or had pretended had vanished for those two weeks was flowing out now. He loved Negan. Despite everything, despite not being willing to let things just go back to where they were, he loved Negan, he had never had any doubt about that. The mere thought of this man wanting to put Rick against him made him shake with fury.

He kept shooting until there were no more bullets. Then he kicked his corpse and walked away without looking back. He ignored all the looks he was getting and headed directly towards Arat. He put his hand on her shoulder and nodded towards the truck.

“Let’s go home.”

He and Negan had one more conversation to have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the last one... I can barely believe it. I'm gonna put some emotional message on the next one, for sure, but I still wanna say it here too: Thank you so much to everyone who's read, commented, and left kudos. You have no idea how much it's meant to me. Will see you soon on the next chapter, and I hope that what I got in store will be worthy of you ^^


	14. Resolutions and good intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something ends. Something begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... final chapter. When I posted the first chapter I was hella excited but I only had a handful of not fully connected ideas and I thought it'd be like 8 chapters at most. Much shorter chapters. And now, well, look at this. It got out of hand and quite honestly I'm blissed it did. This fic is something special to me.
> 
> I need to thank you, all of you. Really, the hits, kudos and comments I've gotten in this are quite literally more than three times my wildest dreams omg. All of you, with the time and attention you have put on this, have made me very very very happy and have done wonders for my confidence. Like, you have no idea. I love all of you, I'm gonna be grateful forever and I sure hope that this ending is worthy of you <333333
> 
> (Also, I wanna thank my friend Dekk for helping me navigate these last chapters. I couldn't have reached the exact dynamic I wanted for them towards the end without his advice. Thank u buddy)
> 
> And last, if you ever feel like it, check me out on tumblr! I'd be thrilled to talk to any of you <3 : Ocegion.tumblr.com
> 
> And now... let's begin.

Rick briefly thought about other courses of action, but they all ended up discarded as soon as they entered his mind. He knew what he wanted and what was the best way to get it. The moment the truck entered the Sanctuary Rick was on the floor, before the vehicle had even stopped completely. Without giving any explanations, he went to the inside of the building, not hesitating even for a second.

Rick needed to talk to Negan. He was going to set this right, properly talk things out. Any other issue could wait until that was settled.

He entered Negan’s room, not too disappointed to find it empty. He’d hoped the man would be there, but he knew better. Negan was probably doing something else around the Sanctuary and would take his time to come back to his room. Rick would have to wait.

Not that it was that much of an inconvenience. God knew that any time he had to prepare himself for this would be more than welcome. Rick let the tension he had been harboring slip out in the form of a long, breathy sigh, closing his eyes to better isolate himself from everything around him for just a minute and feel his muscles go slacker, his shoulders go down.

He sat on the bed, where he and Negan had lied together so many times; he fidgeted a bit, decided he didn’t like it, and changed positions. He raided Negan’s stash - he felt he was more than entitled to that, at the very least - and sat down on the couch with a generous glass of whiskey in his hand. He took a sip, and he waited.

In less than ten minutes, seven and a half in fact, the door opened and Rick’s eyes met Negan’s.

For something more than a full minute, neither of them did anything but stare blankly into one another’s eyes, interrupted by nothing but blinks. Negan remained silent, almost hesitant, as he finally walked towards Rick and sat down on the couch in front of him, even as his eyes lingered on the seat beside him. Rick knew he was thinking about how he missed sitting together, leaning against one another, Rick’s head resting on Negan’s shoulder as the man’s hand caressed his hair. He knew that because he couldn’t deny he missed it, too.

Even when they were sat face to face, the silence remained between them, not as heavy and uncomfortable as it had been other times, but just as thick and deafening. As a result, Negan’s voice felt loud and thundering when it broke right through it, even if it was little more than a hum.

“So, huh” Negan started, awkward and sort of fidgety. He cleared his throat to gain a few seconds. When he finally dared to make eye contact Rick saw carefulness and curiosity. “A little bird called Arat told me you killed a guy at the Kingdom, one of loony Zeke’s pals. Decided to use him as target practice. Emptied a whole damn gun on him.”

“I did” Rick replied, plain and clear.

“Oh, huh. Fucking neat, I guess. Suppose he had it coming, some way or another.” Negan broke the eye contact, looked down and scratched his neck as his lips twisted into a sign of awkwardness, as if trying to figure out how to not mess up and under a lot of pressure about it. “So… Kinda awkward for you, I imagine, but it’s something I sort of gotta ask. The fuck did you do that for?”

Rick let the answer hang on his lips for longer than would’ve been normal, partly because the words that had been so clearly defined in his mind wouldn’t come out so easily now, partly because he wasn’t sure how deep to go into what had gone through his head, partly because he wasn’t all that sure that he was ready to share what had gone through his head with Negan in the first place. Mostly, though, it was so he could enjoy the sight of Negan’s awkwardness slowly turning into irritation, up to the point where he shot Rick an almost snarky gaze, only for his eyes to widen and quickly retreat to his previous position.

A sigh escaped his lips. It was so uncharacteristic of the man that Rick didn’t know if he was pained to see it or pleased that Negan was actively making an effort not to be the pushy asshole he had been last week. He had been tempted to simply say ‘because I wanted to’, but he decided he could give Negan that much.

“He wanted me to plot against you” he finally said in a carefully neutral voice, except for the spark of anger underneath that he couldn’t help. Negan’s insecurity flew out the window and he directed his now wide eyes at Rick, mouth slightly open in a hint of a snarl.

“What the shit?”

“Exactly” Rick nodded, completely composed again. He hesitated, but he made an effort to give his face a somewhat reassuring look for Negan to see. “He saw me a bit moody, I guess, and took a moment I was away from the rest to propose it to me. He thought I was there against my will or had grown bitter or something like that. He thought I’d accept, but he just got me pissed. Hence the whole deal about filling him with bullets.”

Negan made a pause and his angry grimace slowly gave way to a more neutral expression under Rick’s eyes as he processed what he was being told, although there was still an edge of tension at the corners of his lips. He shot an appraising look Rick’s way as he ran his tongue over his lower lip and then caught it between his teeth, absently rolling it again and again.

The man seemed about to speak quite a few times, but he went back to biting his lip just as the sound started leaving his mouth. If Rick hadn’t been so amused by the idea of a Negan hesitant to use his words - and also just a little bit sympathetic at the same, cause Negan had to be really damn worried to reach that point - he’d have been irritated by how long it took him.

Negan nodded slowly, but not hesitant anymore. “So let me get this straight, make sure you and me are getting the message across right here. You killed him because he wanted you to betray me and that pissed the royal everfucking fuck off you so much that you decide to shoot him deader than dead. So far so good?” Rick nodded. There was a beat. Then, Negan’s eyes lighted up like fireworks and the corners of his lips curled upwards in the barest, but brightest, hint of a smile.

“You still care.”

It was such a simple statement, and yet the pure joy and relief behind it was so intense, coming out like an almost laughter out of Negan’s chest, that it made Rick shiver. For a brief moment he was tempted to not answer, let the silence hang and watch Negan’s face sober up in disappointment as he saw his words implicitly denied, but that would defeat the purpose. He couldn’t force a clear conversation out of Negan without giving something himself.

“Well, I did have a couple weeks’ worth of frustration and anger to let out, and he happened to give me the perfect chance” he pointed out evenly with a raised eyebrow, although a hint of dry amusement colored his voice. Negan’s childlike excitement had forced its way into him; he had always had a talent for permeating Rick with his mood.

He couldn’t have been too clear about it, though, because Negan emitted a soft “Oh” as his face went drastically more neutral, disappointment clear on his gestures but trying to look indifferent. Rick rolled his eyes and huffed.

“Of course I care, Negan.”

And just with that, the smile was back on the man’s face, wider and even brighter than it had been before. He tilted his head a couple inches, incredibly satisfied, but the warmth and relief in his eyes stopped the gesture from being the cocky thing it’d have otherwise been.

Rick gave him a couple seconds to bask on the feeling before deciding to burst it. He had finally found the words he wanted, needed, to say: _‘Negan, it looks like I’m stuck being in love with you no matter what, but that doesn’t change anything between us, so please, please, give me a sign that it doesn’t have to be something that will tear me apart inside. Please give me something that will let me be with you again.’_ Negan, however, beat him to it. If he thought about it, that was probably the best sign he could’ve hoped for.

“You know, Rick, there’s something I haven’t told you yet” he started softly before Rick had time to prompt him, giddiness quickly erasing out of his face and leaving a more serious look in its place, although not harsh. He leaned forward, arms resting on his knees, and nodded. He didn’t take his eyes off Rick for a second. He cleared his throat and continued.

“About why I was even more of a goddamn insufferable asshole than I usually am, the day you told me you wanted to spend some time in the Hilltop and have some space to yourself. Hell, it was nothing to fucking make a drama about, that was pretty damn shitty of me, but I… Look, Rick, listen to me. For a fucking long time, for years, I’ve done absolutely whatever the fuck strikes my fancy and what I think has to be done, no second guessing and not taking anyone’s opinion on it because people are here to obey and that’s it. And I fucking like it like that, you know? I say shit, shit gets done, and bum, shit’s over. And that day on the junkyard I wanted to wipe all of them out until all that was left was a bloody and disgusting stain on the ground. I was fucking thirsting for it from the very moment they laid their nasty hands on you. If Simon or Arat had complained I’d have laughed in their face and flipped them off. But then you came, said you had changed your mind, and just like that I’m thinking it over too.”

There was a pause. Negan nipped at his lip, face tilted down but looking up at Rick with uncertainty. He hummed to himself and resumed his speech.

“We did kill them all just like I wanted, but still. You bat your pretty as fuck eyelashes at me and I’m putty in your hand. Not gonna lie, baby, when I realized you could sway me so easily it unsettled the fuck outta me. I wasn’t angry, just… Fuck. After so long of being king shit absolute, it was damn uncomfortable. And I suppose I needed to reassure myself that in the end what matters is what I want and that’s it. And an hour later you come and you tell me you want to leave for some time. I didn’t think it was bad, per se, and fuck, I understood why you’d want to, this thing we do here is fucking brutal, but I still didn’t like it. So I play my fucking brilliant move and lash out on you, threaten you like some asshole I don’t give a shit about. Look at what I made you do. And look at how I punished you for doing what I made you do. And then I tried to pull that bullshit that you were being an unreasonable asshole for not leaping into my arms. Jesus fuck, Rick, I fucked up, fucked up real bad and it’s all my fault. I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so, so, so sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me just like that, but know that I am.”

Negan had been losing some of his composure as he spoke, and while he had remained in a controlled volume, his voice still revealed how shaken up he felt. When he finished his monologue his heavy breathing took over the now quiet room as he tried to catch his breath, giving Rick an anxious, pained expression as he awaited for his response.

Rick would be lying if he said he wasn’t affected, too. At some point during Negan’s speech his jaw had gone so tense that his teeth were starting to hurt, and some pressure in the top of his throat was making breathing difficult. His fingers had become a claw that dug into his knee and his eyes couldn’t stop moving all over Negan’s face, desperately looking for a sign. When he didn’t find it, he felt something - relief? - wash over him so intensely he almost couldn’t hide his shaking. Negan was sorry. He was genuinely sorry, and he was apologizing just for the sake of it and not to seek a reconciliation. He was acknowledging and validating Rick’s feelings, acknowledging his own fault. Rick hadn’t known it’d feel this good.

“At least you acknowledge it” he replied, voice far more calm than he felt. How he managed to do it, he didn’t know.

Negan nodded fervently and raised his hands, directing them at Rick with his eyes wide. “Exactly! It’s an ‘at least’, and that’s all I’m capable of! Bullshit, isn’t it?”

Rick tilted his head, crossing his arms. “It’s a start, I guess. Unless you still plan to keep me as a toy to parade around?”

“What? No, fuck no. I’d never do that shit and you know it, but… Look, Rick, this is about you more than anything else, but there’s other stuff too. I’m a piece of shit, we can agree on that, right? I don’t know how to be good, not anymore. But you… Rick, you can teach me to be better.”

Rick stared at Negan for a few moments, then he sighed deeply, sinking a bit into his seat.

“Are you telling me that you want me to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong? I’m not sure it’s that simple, Negan. You gotta be able to know that on your own and not because of some angel on your shoulder. And I’d like to point out that I’ve got things to work out, too. Ever since I came here I’ve been doing things your way. Today I killed a man in cold blood just to let out stress. Hardly an example to follow, don’t you think?”

Negan shook his head, fiery and adamant eyes set on Rick. “But you _try_ , dammit! You’re aware of it and you try to fix it. That’s what all of this shitstorm was for, right? You realized you were doing something fucked up that was affecting your kids and you wanted to put a stop to it. That’s more than can be said about me.”

He eyed Rick expectantly, but all he got was a non-convinced frown and a hum. He didn’t let that stop him.

“I don’t want to stop being human, Rick, it scares the shit out of me and I’m coming pretty damn close to it. You never have. I admire that about you, more than any cunningness or brutality or anything. I will listen to anything you say, you’ll be in control of everything we decide. Please, Rick, let me make up to you. I’m _begging_.”

Indeed, his voice had that eagerness, hope and uncertainty that only begging could give, wide eyes fixed on Rick. It was a look that Rick had never seen on Negan. On a man defined by his pride and violence, it felt downright unreal.

And yet there it was, sharp and clear.

He was asking, begging Rick to take control, a control he had just confessed he was afraid of losing in any minimal way. Rick was sure the request pained Negan deep in his chest, but that didn’t make the man falter for a second. Rick couldn’t think of a more clear way to show how deeply willing he was to fix what he had done.

The answer came naturally to him, without needing to consciously think of it. “Alright.”

The look of utter, absolute happiness that immediately invaded Negan made it worth it. The man stood up, was about to walk towards Rick, but he thought better of it and sat down again. He shuffled awkwardly, suddenly finding the floor extremely interesting.

“Can I hold your hand, Rick?”

The silence afterwards stretched for a bit too long. Right before Negan apologized Rick moved and sat down next to him. They weren’t touching, but Rick’s hand settled on top of Negan’s. He didn’t fight it when Negan eagerly turned his up and grabbed Rick’s.

“We’re not back together” Rick stated, calm and without heat. “Not yet.”

Negan nodded. “Fuck, I know. Wouldn’t dare to expect it, either.” There was a brief silence, and then, out of the blue, he added: “Do you want Eugene to be punished?”

Rick raised his eyebrow at him, skeptical and slightly disapproving. “Thought you wanted to get better. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose?”

“But he betrayed you!” Negan complained.

“On your benefit. You can’t go around punishing people for doing what you want them to do.” Rick hesitated for a moment. “Let him be a pariah for a while longer. I’m angry at him, but I don’t want him beaten or anything. Not anymore, anyway. It’ll sort itself out.”

Negan nodded silently, and after that, they fell on silence, not fully comfortable but clearly not uncomfortable, either. Negan ended up pressing onto Rick’s side, nuzzling at his jaw, but when Rick pushed him away he went along without complaint.

“I’m sorry” he muttered. “I got a bit carried away.”

“It’s alright” Rick replied, calm and relaxed. He meant it.

 

-0-o-0-o-0-

 

When Rick returned from his first trip back into Alexandria, the first thing he did was go searching for Negan. Or he would have done that, if Negan hadn’t been already there at the gate mere minutes after the trucks came in. Rick nodded at his men and followed the man into the building. Negan’s hand didn’t go to his back or over his shoulders, but it did brush him every now and then.

“So how’s everything in Alexandria?” he asked once in Rick’s room. Rick sat on the bed, kicked out his boots and leaned back, while Negan remained by the doorframe, arms crossed and back resting on the wall.

Rick hummed, relaxed. “All’s good there. Deanna’s civil enough as always, everything went smooth, and I spent most of the time catching up with the others. They were pretty happy to finally see me” he added with a small but bright grin.

Negan tried smiling too, but it came out a bit askew, unsure. “Does Michonne want me dead? She seemed about to fucking behead me last time I saw her. The others too, but she’s the one that makes me shit my pants the most.”

Rick hummed again without any hint of concern in it.

“She was pretty damn pissed, that’s for sure, but I think I got it under control. She was pretty pleasantly surprised that we’re on good terms now and that you apologized to Carl.”

“Hell, I fucking owed it to the kid. It was awkward as hell, but you can’t say I didn’t try.”

“I know” Rick reassured, voice carrying that fond sort of irritation of having had to say it repeatedly. “In any case, they all think that if I’m willing to get along with you, then they can try as well, so no one’s gonna try to kill you. Most likely.”

Negan gave a dry chuckle that Rick returned far more amused. However, then Rick sat up, expression morphed into something more serious. Negan caught up and frowned slightly, waiting for him to speak.

“Michonne and I have talked about your system, Negan. From our point of view in the Sanctuary and theirs in the communities. Are you gonna stick to what you said and listen to what I got to say?”

“Of fucking course I am” Negan assured hastily, sounding a bit annoyed at being doubted. He gestured towards Rick. “Speak up, I’m listening.”

Rick nodded, took a moment to steel himself. He didn’t doubt Negan’s intention to be better, but still.. He was a bit apprehensive at the idea confronting the man in any way. He shook it away and began.

“Do you remember the first time I went to the Hilltop? We were punishing a guy who had tricked us. He wanted to keep some of the supplies that were meant to be ours in case they ever came short and needed them to make up for it.” Negan nodded. “Well, Michonne and I have decided that’s what we’re gonna be doing. All of us. As a _start_. It’ll be the same system, but they’re gonna keep a third of what we would usually take, and it’s going to be as much in case they need those supplies for themselves as if they fall short. And if there’s ever any lack, we’re not gonna kill anyone. Is that alright?”

Negan didn’t express any displeasure, per se, but Rick knew him well enough to interpret the crease of his brow or the way his lips pulled back as the beginning of a sneer. His own lips became a tight line and he raised an eyebrow.

“We’re more than able to spare those portions of the tributes, Negan, and they need to keep them. It’s only fair, unless you want to have a revolution on your hands sooner or later.”

Negan’s almost-scowl didn’t disappear, but it did smooth under the weight of Rick’s gaze, and he looked agreeable enough when he nodded, although reluctantly. Rick smirked to himself, pleased with the result, as Negan grumbled under his breath, and a few moments later Negan mirrored the gesture, sharper and edgier.

“What about these guys you hate so much? The ones who killed two of yours. Are they gonna get this treatment as well?” Negan inquired, smugness clear in his voice.

Rick went tense and he had to stop himself from snarling. He felt some red anger spark in his chest, and he found out it was difficult not to feed it with thoughts of Glenn and Abraham’s deaths, of Carl with only one eye, of those guys who had tried to kill Negan. He knew there were normal people there, most of them were, and hell, he still wanted to deny them any kind of relief.

He got the point: _See? You got shit to work on too_.

He shut his eyes for a second, felt momentarily angry at Negan for it, and angry at himself for being so fucking resentful after all this time. He should be better. He had to make himself better.

The answer came out a little forced, but out it came. “Of course they are.”

Negan’s face fell so subtly it was barely noticeable. “Oh. Right, right, that was stupid of me to ask.”

It was strange, seeing Negan’s face simultaneously show pride on Rick’s resolve, some disappointment, and most of all self-consciousness. The man fidgeted awkwardly where he stood, looking down at his feet, and Rick felt a sting of sympathy for him. Couldn’t be easy, being so sharply reminded that he was the one who needed to change the most. He could tell that under all of it, Negan was only trying to remind himself that he could actually be better. That if Rick, the man he was looking up to, could be better while still having stuff to push through, then so could Negan even if it didn’t feel like that.

Rick smiled softly and patted the mattress beside him. Even chastised as he was, Negan wasted no time going to him and settling down at his side, all but buzzing in excitement and showing Rick a smile that was both shyly grateful and flirty. Rick rolled his eyes even as his own smile took on an amused edge. Their hands immediately found each other and their fingers weaved together.

They ended up lying down mere minutes after, on their backs, side by side. Negan’s arm was around Rick’s shoulders, drawing him in close so Rick’s head was slotted on his shoulder and Negan could tip down to kiss his hair. Negan didn’t try to go further than that - not yet - and Rick didn’t try to push him away - not anymore.

He would be lying if he said he hadn’t missed it, having Negan close like this, letting himself get lost in the warmth comfort of his body. These rare moments were what he had missed the most, these in which Negan wasn’t running his mouth non-stop and neither were they heatedly, hungrily undressing each other, but they rather just laid there quietly, enjoying the assuring presence of one another and sinking in it. Now that he had it back, his heart beated hard in his chest, giddy and bubbly as a happy blush colored his cheeks. Rick nuzzled Negan’s shoulder playfully.

Yeah, this was what he had missed the most. Feeling that Negan was beside him where it mattered, just because he wanted to and not because he was looking for something more. Being reminded that Negan loved him for who he was and not for what he could do.

Everything else? The sex, the passion? He missed it too, no doubt about that, but he couldn’t bring himself to go there just yet. Just a little longer, he thought, because he knew that he couldn’t keep himself away from it for too long. Having Negan like that was something he’d always crave.

But for now, this was all he needed. For now, this made him happy.

“Do you regret it, Negan?” Rick asked eventually, soft and careful. “Letting me guide you?”

“No, not for a moment. Not gonna lie, it’s a nasty pill to swallow, but I’m happy as fuck to do it” Negan replied, low and sure. He peeked down at Rick, frowning a bit. “Why? Do you regret it? Giving me another chance?”

Rick shook his head. “No. It was hard to do it, but I’m glad I did. What we have right now, going back little by little… I like it.” His lips traced a shy smile, heart beating a little bit faster, a little bit happier. “No regrets then, huh?”

At that, Negan emitted a laugh that had too much of bitterness to it. Rick didn’t like it. “Baby, you know I have plenty of shit to regret. What I did to you takes the fucking price.”

“And so do I. We’re _both_ trying to make things right” Rick pointed out with a small scowl, pressing his cheek closer to Negan in an attempt to reassure him. “But you know what I mean. I don’t regret working this out the way we are, you and me.”

Negan snorted. “Heh. In that case I don’t have regrets either, I guess. Even if it’s just in that.” Negan’s voice was far more amused than a moment before, dry humor instead of bitterness. It made Rick smile, something good swelling within him as a smile pushed its way to his lips.

“That’s good” he hummed, and pressed a kiss to Negan’s cheek, quick and light. He pulled back, waited a moment, feeling hesitance and sudden, irrational shyness take over him, but in the end his want for Negan won and he pressed another kiss.

Negan’s lips waited for him the third time, instead of his cheek. Rick didn’t falter; he went for it anyway.


End file.
